Xiumin and Luhan were his only friends.

He cherished them dearly, and because of that he couldn't bare the thought of them finding out about his addiction  problems.

They would blame the bullying before they would blame themselves, and Tao didn't want that to happen.

If anything they kept him here longer.

He hated himself even more, because of how Heechul and Kyuhyun were bound to take this.

Heechul most of all, who held him so many times as he cried and calmed him after his nightmares.

Would it break them?

He prayed they would find someone to replace him , someone special, smart, talented and korean so they didnt have to struggle anymore.

But most importantly, someone whole.

Tao had thought about it so many times over the years it almost didn't shock him how easily he pieced together a plan.

He even had a date, October 31st, Halloween his favorite day of the entire year.

It was only a month away, Tao smiled slightly, there would only be one month of hell left to endure.

He felt guilty and unworthy everytime Heechul smiled at him and gave him affectionate kisses on his cheek.

Before huffing about how Tao had grown too tall for him to kiss the top of his head anymore.

The insides of his wrists itched and he bit his tongue whenever Kyuhyun asked him what was wrong, Tao knew that Kyuhyun had a hard time displaying his emotions and rarely tried for anyone other than Heechul.

But Kyuhyun had been giving him a worried look everytime Tao fell quiet.

Though they didn't ask, Tao knew they were both in their own way pleading for answers.

Begging him, to let them in, to let them help him.

What he didn't want to tell them, is that he was too far in, he couldn't be saved.

If anyone knew they didn't show it or ask and for that Tao was grateful,

it would make it easier for him in the end, to leave without anymore regrets, he already had so many of them.

There was only a couple things left for him to do and then he would be ready.

Now where did he leave that freaking pen?