1.

When your heart is divided in two, you can lose the hold of yourself.

It wasn’t something familiar to Kyuhyun – a young singer that had it all – but as time passed by, he had realized that there was an ache in his soul that never died away as he wished.

It had him feeling more brittle than ever before.

As the morning had approached and light beamed through the blinds, Kyuhyun was slowly waking up, feeling nothing in particular except for a gentle breath against his dampening neck and a few fingers carefully playing with his hair.

His eyeballs rolled strained to the left, making sure that he wasn’t hallucinating and smiled when the hand fumbling with his hair pulled away. It trailed along his jawline and neck to stop right on his chest, feeling its rise and fall. A feeble laugh echoed into his ear, and he turned his head as the nose recently poking his neck had withdrawn.

Sungmin was darling beautiful in the morning – he wasn’t going to lie – and despite his terrible morning breath, Kyuhyun didn’t resist the urge to quickly peck the small, M-shaped lips before he could say anything.

There was a short silence after that, but they didn’t mind looking into each other’s eyes.

It had been seven months. If Kyuhyun were to say that glancing into his boyfriend’s eyes and holding him close meant the world, he would not be lying. Because the shield he held before his soul didn’t hide a lie; it held another truth.

Necessarily hiding from the other members in the popular boy group’s dorm wasn’t the correct term, because both Kyuhyun and Sungmin knew that no one whole-heartedly disapproved of their relationship. Luckily to them, their friends had open minds and could accept the fact that love wasn’t monotonous. Their society was a cruel one, and the celebrity world was not any less judgmental – if not a hundred times more. It was only outside the dorm and around the managers the lovebirds had to be cautious.

While eating breakfast however, Kyuhyun couldn’t concentrate on being lovey-dovey with Sungmin – in fact, he couldn’t focus on anything but his food, and a bubbling feeling in his stomach told him that the pestering feeling he always had wouldn’t change as long as everything remained ordinary. While eating, he ruthlessly rested his elbow on the table while not caring to sit straight.

 “So, Kyuhyun-ah; your birthday is coming up soon, eh?”

The youngest band member first didn’t respond to the call of his name, nor the following statement.

There was one week left. And just thinking about it made his heart sink.

Hyukjae – a jolly redhead soon in his 25^th year – tried again to bring life into the half-immersed maknae.

“What do you wish for?”

Birthdays had always been a time for Kyuhyun to live in a fairytale; he’d just take a day off in his daily thinking routine to release everything within him, and he’d wish for impossible things.

Even though this next birthday would be no exception, the impossible that he used to dream about had a completely different meaning now. It wasn’t to be able to fly, and it wasn’t to run away to an undetected universe with the one; escape wasn’t necessarily the correct word although most of his visions involved something unknown.

Because his dream was to fix himself: to cut one, or both of the ropes that were dragging him apart. He knew he couldn’t get used to being in between, but he also was fully aware that he had no idea how to affect it. Two things were pestering his heart in a way he had never experienced before, and nothing could prepare him for the choices he would have to make.

Sungmin smiled from beside him,

“Give him a bottle of wine and he’ll be fine.”

Laughter erupted around the table, surrounded by six early birds from both the upper and the lower dorms, and when Kyuhyun felt his boyfriend’s hand his back, he shivered. He looked up but his glance immediately fell upon Ryeowook, who was sitting by the far edge, checking so that everyone ate well. He would always go up early and make the members breakfast; at least when they were more than two people at the dorms in the mornings.

Clumsily, Kyuhyun thought himself being unnoticed, but all too soon, Ryeowook caught his gaze and tilted his head while a smile crept up his face. His brown hair fell to the side – it had grown a bit longer – even though he didn’t have many bangs, but nevertheless, Kyuhyun considered the former handsome that way too.

 “And I’ll just cook your favorite food; am I right?” Ryeowook smiled.
      But the youngest was flabbergasted rather than amused. He wasn’t sure why, though. While all the others felt comfortable in a jokey atmosphere and laughed along, discussing what to do on Kyuhyun’s birthday, he remained strained with his gaze attached to Ryeowook, only managing to force out a breathy laugh and a vague smile, soon followed by him staring yet again at the plate before him. He went unnoticed below the gabber of his fellow band members.

Later the same day, after a long round of dance practice and two exhausting photo shoots, Kyuhyun stood outside his and Sungmin’s shared dorm room, leaning against the wall and listening half-sharped at a conversation going on inside. There was only one end of the conversation he could hear however, and that was Sungmin’s.

Kyuhyun wouldn’t call himself one to sneak around people’s private lives, but when it came to his boyfriend, Kyuhyun was sometimes afraid to miss any moment the other could possibly need him.

The voice of the older man sounded strange; there was terror exposed among his otherwise soft tones and Kyuhyun could tell that the other was devastated, however, knowing that Sungmin disliked having someone barge in to soothe him, the maknae had already decided to at least try waiting until Sungmin felt ready to speak up. 

Sungmin sighed and contradicted whomever on the other line, not speaking loud at all, but just enough for Kyuhyun’s sharp ears to catch most of his words. It tinged within him.

 “Kyuhyun-ah?”

He looked up, squinted at the light and noticed Ryeowook approach him, a wondering expression plastered on his face. Kyuhyun’s heart told him that something was different with the situation, yet he only smiled towards the older man.

 “What’s up, hyung?”

Ryeowook had already stopped, and was pulling fingers through his brown hair when Kyuhyun eyed him from tip to toe. He wasn’t wearing anything in particular, having Kyuhyun excluding the thoughts that his elder was going somewhere.

“I don’t know, I’m pretty bored”, Ryeowook said, tilting his head a bit as he stuck his hands into his pockets.

“Should we watch a movie or something?” the younger suggested after merely a split second of thinking. Ryeowook complied quickly, although being a bit hesitant since he had no idea what he wanted to watch.

“We’ll find something; I know plenty of comedies we can watch!”

“I thought you were an avid fan or horror movies?”

Ryeowook raised a brow, and Kyuhyun pursed his lips.

“I was.” He mumbled. “But I’ve starting to like comedies more.”

They walked towards Ryeowook’s room to fetch his computer, meeting no one on the way. Donghae and Hyukjae – the two dancing machines – had gone practicing and Kangin and Shindong were just hiding somewhere probably; the lower dorm was a usual hangout place in the evenings. However in the mornings, the upper one was more popular, thanks to Ryeowook and his delightful cooking.

“Just like that?” the older brunette asked, shocked, as he lifted his computer from a little wooden desk. To him, Kyuhyun had always been a stubborn person that clawed on to things for long.

The maknae shrugged; his expression casual to any beholder.

But when Ryeowook started to walk, he had to stop as the younger stood in the way of the exit. Ryeowook frowned at the suddenly confused expression on Kyuhyun’s face.

“Where are we watching?” the maknae asked, innocent as a button and Ryeowook huffed, realizing that he really didn’t know either.

“I was thinking in the couch, maybe…”

Kyuhyun pursed his lips slightly,

“But what if someone else gets home and we’ll have to move away anyway.”

“But I don’t want your boyfriend throwing forks at me because we’re in my room.” Ryeowook pouted.

“Does he ever get jealous? Come on, you’re so funny.”

They still ended up lying on their backs on Ryeowook’s bed, the latter having the computer on his knees and Kyuhyun insistently leaning his head on the other’s shoulder, getting a more comfortable view from the twisted angle. He would sometimes glance up at the older, silently laughing at his concentrated expression, yet inwardly slapping himself every time it happened and he couldn’t control it.

Sungmin appeared on the threshold just as the two on the bed burst in laughter, and so it took a while for the maknae to notice that his boyfriend was eyeing him in a peculiar way.

While Kyuhyun came back to reality from his suffocating, rhythmic hiccups, he saw a guise with his peripheral vision and as unprepared for that as he was, he flinched carefully. He turned his head and noticed Sungmin, and his heart began skipping beats.

Although his grin faded, he couldn’t make Sungmin think that he wasn’t happy to see him, and so, a careful wave and a genuine greeting disguised the shock within him.

Ryeowook reacted to the sudden “hi” erupting from Kyuhyun’s throat, and waved frantically when he noticed Sungmin by the entrance.

“Hi”, Sungmin stated simply, and leaned against the doorframe. “What are you up to?”

“Watching a movie”, Kyuhyun answered as Ryeowook paused the film. “Wanna watch with us?”

The raven-haired male by the door hesitated – Kyuhyun noticed it through the glance his boyfriend threw at the floor – but soon nodded. But the lack of space left in Ryeowook’s bed caused the trio to move on to the big room to settle in the couch. As the computer was set on a table, they continued watching the movie in the couch, Ryeowook leaning lazily against the armrest and Kyuhyun holding a rather soggy Sungmin in his arms. The latter felt content against his boyfriend’s chest and hearing his heartbeats, not thinking that the reason for the gradually increasing pace had to do with anything in particular.

But in all honesty, Kyuhyun felt uneasy. He sent several, discreet glances towards the men beside him and wondered how his heart couldn’t find a solution to the agony it had set him out for.

i couldn't help myself!! here's the first update!^^