still :

It's bad to lie, especially to your own self.

I should've left when I said I was going to, I shouldn't have watched it all - the way he held you and the way you sank into him. I hate to admit it but you were perfect , with him you smiled like the world was made for you and you only. I can feel it already, the beginning of the end - the end of you and I. But was there even a 'you and I' ? Yes there was , I'm sure of it. Wherever we went, those we knew us, we were always ChanTao.

" Ah look who's here ! The ChanTao pair. "

" Ayy, ChanTao. What's up guys. "

You would flush at the name, saying it's cheesy and gross but you still say it unconsciously, you finally gave up and accepted it. You're so much though you think lesser of yourself. No one else can have a face like yours, feline features gracing porcelain with a tint of red at all the right places. You're a work of art and you don't see it , don't even get me started on your body. You're much too slim for a male yet I like it, I can hold you in arms without feeling overwhelmed or awkward. It's like you fit into me, like a glove. Your toned muscles from practicing Wushu, you could've been a model if you hadn't deface your skin with foul red lines that slowly fade into whiteness. But it doesn't really matter to me at all, I love you for everything you are even though my heart aches when you do it. I tell you to stop but who am I really, to tell a celestial being such as you what to do ? I'm no one, I am a shadow to the light that you emit. I am satisfied, but I don't mind having more.

I just hope Kris will accept you just as I have. When he discovers the monsters and demons you've been fighting , I hope he doesn't run away and fights for you. If not, I - He'll never see the end of it. I run my fingers through my hair as I listen to Kai ramble on about useless formulae that have long been engraved into my bones. I poke the paper with my pencil, slowly drawing circles with my mind drifting off to the few hours ago. I raised my hand up to stop Kai from talking,

" Hyung, you're making me have a headache. " Kai sighed, taking off his glasses and putting it on the table , atop of the mess of worksheets and practice papers. 

" I know you know all this stuff, but it won't hurt to refresh your memory. Finals is coming up after all. "

" Well it's hurting me now. I'll see you tomorrow with Taozi. " Shooing him off so I could have time to think about more important things.

" Oh yeah that's right, why didn't Tao come today ? " Kai's faced was washed worry for a split second, Kai always seemed to be especially concerned over Tao - I mean it's not like he can't, since we're all childhood friends but it's just especially him. Maybe it was just me. I was so lost in thought that I forgot to answer Kai, he hit my with the back of his hand making me snap out of it.

" Ah right, er well, he was busy. "

" You expect me to believe that ? " He was almost done packing his stuff, putting his stationery in the most plain pencil case I've ever seen.

" Yes I do, and for 's sake will you change your pencil case ? "

" HEY! Watch that language kid, we've known each other long but I'm still older than you. "

" Whatever. Will you leave now ? I need my alone time. "

" I'm going over to check on Tao , you sure you don't wanna see me out ... and maybe follow me ? "

Is he serious ? What kind of a guy is he ?  I thought hard about this, I really wanted to see Tao, I've been thinking about his god damn face the whole night. I looked at Kai, getting all cocky like he hit the jackpot. I was so close to saying ' no ' but something deep inside me just blurted out 'yes'. i slapped my hand over my mouth, mentally cursing at the slip of tongue. Kai chuckled, slinging his workbag over his shoulder.

" Y'know it's bad to lie, especially to your own self. "

Those words hit me like a truck, making my heart sink all the way to my stomach. I was phased , unable to process anything else he said after. I just walked to my room and slammed the door shut, leaving a confused Kai alone in the living room.

" So you don't want to go anymore ? "

I wanted to answer him but every cell in my body stopped me from doing so, I just laid on my bed staring up into my ceiling. My breathing got heavier, engulfed in darkness.

Is  this how Tao feels like at night, when he's all alone ?

I could feel his breath ghosting my neck, it must be a memory , I closed my eyes and decided to just enjoy this hallucination. His arms s around me and pulled me close nuzzling into the crook of my neck. He was mumbling at first but the words became clearer,

" Channie hyung ? Do you know that even though I'm here with you apart of me still feels so lonely ? " He stifled his oncoming tears, hugging me tighter

" It's like I'm not here at all, and I need you even though you're already here. " He choked on his words, his tears soaking my shirt. I wrapped my hand around his head and pulled him even closer, offering whatever warmth I could offer.  My hands roamed down to his back, feeling the ridges of the scars he had left himself and unknowingly I found myself crying too.

" It's so empty, I'm so empty it hurts. " He clawed at my back, fidgeting in my embrace. I pulled him away, making him sit up and face me. He looked up in confusion as I took his wrists and started to kiss the little white ribbons that flowed all over his body. One by one, I didn't know if it worked but I had to do something. I had to fill the void in his soul. His two hands held my face, and pulled me up to meet with his.

" Why ? "

" I love you. " I realised I had blurted it out, I saw the shock in his eyes but it soon quickly melted away into something else that my mind couldn't register. He just hugged me, body a little limp letting me hold him up.

" I love you too, Channie. " He whispered into my neck, a shiver running down my spine.

" We're forever right ? You're never gonna leave me are you ? " He asked, the silence of the room quickly filling my ears

" Yes we are and I'd never leave you, ever. " I laid him down, brushing away his black bangs. My lips quirked up into a small smile, kissing away the teardrop that rolled down his cheek.

" Sleep. I won't leave you. " I pulled the covers over us and snuggled close to him.

Ah, it's not a hallucination. It's a memory.

I opened my eyes again, I got out of bed and put on my sweats. I ran out of the door after slipping on my shoes , running down the hill towards the love of my life's. I stopped half way to look at the flowers Tao always looked at and under the dim street lights, they were beautiful but they looked lonely. I chuckled suddenly remembering that I told Tao that he resembled the wildflowers yesterday. I resumed my journey to his house, looking up the wall. Should I ring the door bell or climb over ?

I looked at my phone, it was pretty late

11 : 45 pm

I decided to climb over the wall instead, walking around the back to the willow tree that shadowed over Tao's house. I climbed it, noticing how smooth it became after climbing it so many times. I hesistated a little before jumping down, realising that it was quite a height from the ground. I dusted the dirt off before sneaking to Tao's room. It was a little secluded from the main house and he was still awake, most likely texting Kris or something. I ran past the courtyard, opening his window and climbing in. He didn't even notice.  He was lying down on his stomach facing the door, so his back was towards the window. He was earpiece was in and laughing to himself like a little child. How cute.

I clambered over him and put all of my weight onto his body.

" Hi princess. "

Before I heard a reply, I was kicked off the bed in a swift motion and I found myself rubbing my in pain.

" Ya! You scared the out of me! " Tao heaved , fanning himself. He pulled out his earpiece and got up in a sitting position. " What're you doing here ? "

" Can't I be here ? " I asked, half hurt I sat down beside him letting everything fall silent for awhile.

" But..why are you here ? " He broke the silence, emphasising the 'why'. 

" I just needed to see you. " I looked out his window, other than the willow tree there really wasn't much of a view. Just the walls that seperated the house from the road.

" We see each other everyday. " He tried to sound sarcastic as usual, an attempt to lighten the quickly darkening mood but the falter in his voice knew that I wasn't kidding around.

" I'm afraid I won't get to very much soon. " I slowly broke it to him, that I was afraid that once he got together with Kris , there would be no more chantao.

" Why is that ? " He asked genuinely confused, seems like didn't get it. I didn't really want to say anything more so I just stood up and started to crawl through the way I came.

" You should know. " was all I could say, I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks as I jumped down the window and climbed up the tree again. I didn't even say goodbye like I usually do. Was I already getting used to this seperation ? It got colder much quicker, I cursed at myself for running out in just a thin pullover and sweats. I slowed my pace, rubbing my hands up and down my biceps. I passed the flowers again, retracing my steps I squatted down to look at them once more. Frost had covered the flowers, it looked like it was encased in crystal. I flicked it, watching cracks form on the once smooth surfaces. it really does resemble Tao.

I laughed to myself, tears freezing over and falling as ice.

" I love you. " was all I could think and say, I just wanted to wrap my arms around Tao and kiss him over and over. My heart ached so much, I coughed - it was as if I really couldn't breathe. I knew if I loved him enough, I would let him be happy with Kris and not try to screw everything up but yet if I loved him enough, I would fight for him.

I didn't know what to do and there was no one to give me answers.

Still, as long as I could watch over that peach of a kid and protect him. I would do anything.

----

hahaha happy new year ! or...what's left of it.

sorry this chapter was pretty short, but i kinda wanted to get chanyeol's pov out there.

photo cr: cherrynika