To have a life, one must first live. The first step is never easy, it may take years and one must have bravery to do it. But, once that step is taken you can never stop. Life was meant to be lived, so live it! 

I grew up with dreams, dreams that even now at the age of twenty-three, I have yet to achieve. Instead I failed to graduate, a promise I had made with my father and grandfather. I married young at the age of twenty, and I am at the most miserable point in my life. I feel even worse than when my greatest role models passed. I will have been married four years this January, in one whole month, yet I shudder thinking about it. Unlike with most couples, I dread the date. Fate and naiveness are two different things. What once seemed great can become horrible. Like your favorite food as a kid can change to be your least favorite. 

At one time, I wanted nothing more than to be right and love like I wanted. Start my dreams early and be envied by all. I realize now, that it is not that simple.

Thinking about it, I realize that just like my whole youth, I'm scared to take the first step. I'm scared to leave the safe mundane world I knew and lived in to enter a world new and foreign to me, a world I only dreamed of in books. That first step, it was a hurdle I wanted to overcome. A step, I needed to beat, a step to start living my true life!

I needed to remember it was best for me. I was tired of being thought of as useless. It was better for us to part. I still love him, Whitney Houston's song 'I will always love you' spoke my situation perfectly. I needed to focus on getting my life straight. Focus on living. That was my goal and that was what I focused on. Yes, it would hurt me just as it would him, but it needed to be done. I had two friends who agreed to come provide back up in case something happened. Truthfully, my lover had never been an abusive man, but when his anger grew, I cowered in fear out of habit. I have never been brave, it was something else I had to change growing up. 

It was this, that had me on my knees as he walked out that door in anger. Even though a part of me knew this emotion was inevitable, I was still taken by surprise and my own grief to know that I had caused it.  I was the one never stirring up trouble, the one who always wanted to make them happy. Now, it was me being the one to fall short of happiness and cause pain for everyone. 

I remain silent, unable to answer the questions my friends asked. Instead, I watched as the scenery outside the car sped pass us. I was going away from him, moving away from my stress. Or, at least I thought I was, in truth it was just a dream like everything else. 

Yes I was leaving the man who kept me running in circles, but I was still far from being rid of him. Divorce was not just a I'm sorry let's break up thing of boyfriends and girlfriends, it was longer and cost money. Money I didn't have. Closing my eyes, I remember the good times, only to realize it hurt worse to remember those at this time. Indeed, the first step was the hardest.

A moment of happiness, is not worth a decade of misery. Sadness was inevitable after what I had done. Would he and I still be friends, would we still talk? I shake my head, this needed to happen, I couldn't take back anything now. From the corner of my eye, I saw my friends watching with worried looks. I couldn't blame them, this had taken me three years of misery to decide on. When we finally arrived at their house, I unpacked and made my way to the guest room.