C h a p t e r  2 3

If the dorm had been silent the day Donghae had returned home, then it was dead silent now. The quickly mumbled greetings of the other members had died down a while ago as they were all gathered, now standing around without knowing what to do. Eunhyuk thought that he maybe should have bowed too as he saw the short glance Leeteuk sent him, but he refused to do it.

The only movement his body was able to do as he stared at the man standing in front of him was to let his hands curl into tight fists. The previously felt things he thought were fear and anxiety turned out to be mere anger and it took him all he had to not let his face show any of it. He clenched his teeth as his mind was thrown back to the night he and Donghae had spent in the SM building after the picture had been published, with their managers shouting at them, insulting them and Lee Soo Man almost pitying them for being sick. He thought of all the bitter tears he and most of all Donghae had cried, thought of how their life had changed in that moment. It made him so angry that he wanted to vomit.

"What do you want?" he asked, not caring at all about speaking formally. His voice was trembling just like his fists and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the other. "Are you here to tell us once again how mentally disordered we are?"

Lee Soo Man kept his head lowered a bit, looked at the floor close to Eunhyuk's feet. He didn’t respond to the younger's words and that he didn’t say anything to defend himself only made Eunhyuk angrier.

"Did you finally find a nuthouse that wants to let us in?" the raven head continued, voice getting louder. "You wanted to fire us anyway, didn’t you? So just say it already so we can go and pack our bags!"

"Hyukjae", Leeteuk interrupted from the side, sounding nervous. "Please calm down-"

"No, I won't!" Eunhyuk's voice was cracking. "It all started with him, he was the one who decided to send us to our bases without giving us the chance to see or speak with each other! He decided that we would only be allowed to call home twice a year, accepting everything that happened without even asking once how we were doing! And he's at fault for how our managers treated us all this time, forbidding us everything and watching us permanently! It all would've turned out differently if he would have had the guts to support us, but he didn’t! He didn’t help us all the way until here and didn’t even think about asking us if anything is wrong! I almost lost Donghae because of him and his selfishness and you tell me to calm down?!"

It became dead silent again once Eunhyuk's rant had ended and the latter's fingers dug so hard into his skin that he wouldn’t have been surprised if it started bleeding. His fists were trembling with rage, knuckles already turning white and he would have punched the wall if he wouldn’t have felt those soft hands around one of his own suddenly. It were Donghae's; he didn’t have to turn his head to know that.

Lee Soo Man bit the inside of his cheek as he kept staring at the ground. He had his hands behind his back as he stood there, keeping quiet for God knows how long. But as he finally spoke, his voice was low without losing its usual firmness.

"A lot of bad things have happened in the past, I know that. There are things I should've decided differently with the knowledge I have now. But back at the time I thought it would be the best for all parties and I honestly feel sorry that my decisions are mainly the reason for the happenings of the last months and weeks."

Eunhyuk scoffed and looked to the side for a moment before staring back at the man in front of him that once had been so intimidating to him. "So that's it?" he asked, voice still louder than necessary but his fist slowly losing its tension as Donghae kept caressing it. "You really think that you can come here, say sorry and everything's fine again? Or should I better be deeply grateful that you even came here because you didn’t do that any time before no matter what happened?" He felt Heechul's gaze on him as he said those words, but he didn’t turn his head to return it.

Lee Soo Man lifted his gaze and finally looked at Eunhyuk before his eyes darted to the other's shoulder, making the raven head assume that he was looking at Donghae. So he quickly stepped to the side a bit, hiding the younger from his eyes once again.

"I can't force you to accept my apology. But I want you to know that I'm honest when I say that I as a person and as a representative of SM Entertainment really feel sorry. I can't change the past, but please try to understand that SM did everything only to protect you."

Eunhyuk let out a dry laugh. "Oh really? Then what did you do to protect us?"

"You remember the questions you had to answer as you started your military service, don’t you?"

The raven head's gaze dropped.     
Yes, the questions. It had been like a psychological test where they had to lie about their ual preferences so they wouldn’t be categorized to have any kind of disorder or disability. If they hadn't lied, they would have been dishonorably discharged or even be institutionalized to cure their sickness – those were the rules. Yet he didn’t know if any of that maybe would've been better for them; or Donghae at least.

"If we hadn't denied the picture during the press conference and if we hadn't sent you to different bases, there could have been a lot of trouble for you", Lee Soo Man continued. "We didn’t want that; that's why we set up such strict rules. It already was suspicious enough and we didn’t want to make it worse. I know that it's hard to believe because it really shocked us to hear about it back then, but we only had your best in mind. That it turned out to be so much worse in Donghae's case is something we wouldn’t have imagined to happen and it was wrong to not ask about what happened. The way we instructed your managers to treat you was also wrong, just like making them check on you during the nights. Those were only a few of the many mistakes SM and I have made and I admit that. But we can't turn back time so the only thing I can offer is to try to make it up."

Eunhyuk felt Donghae's head leaning against his back of his shoulder and how he slightly played with the fingers of his hand that had completely lost their tension by now. He knew that it burdened Donghae to hear them talk about their military service and everything; he himself didn’t want to say or hear any other word about it. All of this should just find an end, he wanted the whole situation to finally calm down.

"And how do you want to do that?" he asked, almost sounding a bit exhausted. Lee Soo Man returned his gaze just as firmly as before.

"I know that you're both still going through a lot and we want to help you. So if you're planning to take legal action in any form, be sure that we will support you on your way. We'll try to help you as good as we can, no matter in which way."

Shaking his head, Eunhyuk couldn’t believe his ears. There was Lee Soo Man standing in front of him, saying all those things so rueful and full of pity. How could he change his mind so quickly, how could he suddenly think that they needed support instead of psychiatrists?

"Why are you doing this?" was the question that left his mouth a moment later. "Why do you even try to make it up instead of simply telling us that you want us to leave?"

"Because we don’t want you to leave. We still want to work with you."

The other members seemed surprised, but Eunhyuk only let out a sigh.

"Yeah, right. And why do you want to do that? Because t