C h a p t e r  1 5

I'm very shocked to hear the news about Philip Seymour Hoffman. I didn't know about it as I uploaded the last chapter and I wouldn't have uploaded it the same day if I had known. I'm truly sorry if some of you felt offended by it or you thought it was inappropriate.

My condolences to his family and friends.

Eunhyuk shivered.

Outside bright sunshine was warming up the air, a soft breeze tugged on summery dresses and there were smiles on people's faces. It was going to be a beautiful and hot summer day – but the hallway of the hospital where he was sitting was cold and dark, only lighted by white neon lamps that were just as cold as he felt. His body had been trembling this whole time but now he felt like he was going to freeze to death. His hands were pale; every vein could be seen as a soft blue line, staining his skin. There was no way to warm him up; they had tried it with coffee some time ago but the paper cup was now standing next to him, abandoned and untouched, cold and useless.

A tear fell to the floor he had been staring at since forever, joined all the other ones that were already there. The crying hadn't stopped; his tears and sobs had followed him from the moment they had left their dorm to that uncomfortable plastic chair he was currently sitting on. They had been hot at first, had felt like fire on his cheeks but now he didn’t feel them anymore. He thought he couldn’t feel anything anymore – not the cold, not the throbbing of his head and not the nausea in his stomach. The only thing he was sure he felt was pain; dull pain all over his body that enveloped him in a tight hug.

A phone started vibrating close to him but it stopped only a few seconds later. Silence fell upon them once more, only interrupted by soft sniffles and a few hushed words now and then. Eunhyuk fisted his hair tighter and let out another sob; the hand on his back kept drawing soothing circles even though it must have felt numb already. The phone started ringing again, making someone sigh.

"Can't you just turn it off?" Heechul said with a low and exhausted voice; a negative hum was his answer.

"I have to keep it on for Donghwa. He should at least be able to call one of us."

"Hyung, when will they arrive here?"

"I really don’t know. He said they were in the South, visiting relatives. Maybe two hours, maybe a few more."

"What do we tell them? I mean, they don’t know about his addiction-"

"I'll handle this once they're here, okay? I just… don’t know what to think at the moment."

Eunhyuk let out a sob once more and successfully made the others stop talking. They sent worried glances towards him but he didn’t notice them, just kept looking at the floor.

"Sssh… Donghae's a fighter. He'll make it, I'm sure."

He nodded absent-minded and didn’t dart a single glance at Sungmin beside him who kept caressing his back. He wished he could believe in the elder's words, wished he could cling to the hope that Donghae was fighting for his life in that moment but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he had seen the look in the younger's eyes, had felt his hand on his arm and how he had tried to push it down. Donghae didn’t want to fight. He had given up – and it was very hard for Eunhyuk to not do the same thing. Donghae had wanted to die – so how was he supposed to believe in anything in that moment?

Eunhyuk didn’t know how long he had been sitting in that hallway, he didn’t even know how he had gotten there. All he remembered was how Heechul had pulled him up to stand on his feet some time ago and that he had brought him to a car, telling him that Donghae was breathing again and that they had brought him to the hospital. He hadn't seen him though, he hadn't seen it with his own eyes; maybe that was the reason why he couldn’t believe it. The next thing he knew was that someone had pushed him down to sit on this chair. There had been hushed but desperate phone calls and after that the other members had arrived, one by one. He was sure that they were full of questions but he couldn’t remember hearing one of them asking about what had happened. Well, maybe they had asked – but he wasn’t sure if he had heard it.      
What he had heard though was that they had talked about turning their phones off because they just wouldn’t stop ringing. He knew exactly who was this persistent in trying to reach them and only imaging to speak to one of them made him want to throw up. It wasn’t worry that made them call; it was anger, disgust and maybe a bit of fear – for themselves of course. He wasn’t sure if they knew what was going on and where they were. None of them was here yet so maybe they didn’t know anything and only had seen the video.

The video.

Eunhyuk hadn't seen it yet and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see it. They had been so careful this whole time so what did they record that was enough to proof their relationship? It had to be more than secret glances and smiles but they didn’t even do something like that when they had been in public. So what was it, some old footage they had found and published? Was it faked maybe? But on the other hand: what did it matter? It didn’t change a thing, it would still stay the same with Donghae trying to kill himself.      
Trying… maybe he hadn't only tried it. He could feel the shaking of his hands getting stronger as this thought crossed his mind. Eunhyuk couldn’t imagine a life without him. And he didn’t want to. There was no life for him without Donghae; it was as simple as that.

"Lee Donghae?" someone suddenly said and made him look up. There was a woman standing in front of them, maybe about their age. The white coat she was wearing revealed that she had to be a doctor; Eunhyuk immediately jumped to his feet, Leeteuk beside him had to hold him back.

"How is he? Is he fine?" he blurted out, his voice trembling and weak from all the crying. The doctor sent him a sympathetic gaze.

"Are you related to him?"

"What? No, I-"

"We're part of the same group", Leeteuk interrupted him. "But his family is on the way, they should be here soon."

"I see." She sighed silently. "I'm very sorry but I'm not allowed to tell you about Lee-ssi's condition if you're not related to him. I'm afraid you have to wait until his family arrives to get more information."

"No, please!" Eunhyuk begged and looked at the small name tag on her coat. Dr. Kim. "You don’t have to tell me anything, just let me see him! Please, please just let me see him!"

"I'm sorry but I'm not allowed to. You said his family will be here soon, you just have to wait until-"

"Please! Please, I need to see him!" he cried out; making first people in the waiting area turning their heads towards them. "We are also his family, I'm his- He needs me, please!"

"I can't let you see him. Please wait until his relatives arrive", Dr. Kim said and was about to turn around when Eunhyuk blurted out the only thing left he thought could change her mind.

"You have to let me see him, I'm his boyfriend!"

The doctor stopped and slowly turned her head towards Eunhyuk, her face unreadable. The waiting area was completely silent for a moment and all eyes were directed at Eunhyuk who stood in front of her, his breathing heavy and his eyes full of tears. Dr. Kim blinked and let her eyes fall to the floor for a few seconds before meeting his gaze again. An understanding and sad smile tugged on her lips.

"I understand", she said silently. "Follow me, please."

Eunhyuk let out a sob and nodded before bowing and thanking her multiple times. He followed the young woman in white through a gate and along a corridor until she stopped in front of one of the many doors he saw. With her hand on the handle she turned her head to look at him.

"Please try to not make any loud sounds. He needs a great deal of rest."

Eunhyuk nodded quickly and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat that prevented him from saying a word. Dr. Kim slowly opened the door and stepped to the side, making the way free for Eunhyuk. It was this loud and constant beeping that was the first thing for him to hear, followed by silent bubbling. He had to take a deep breath before he dared to enter the room.

Donghae was lying in a bed that seemed to be way too big for his tiny looking body. There were screens standing around him showing colorful lines; cables and tubes everywhere, one of them disappearing in his mouth. Every single of his breaths made a loud and rustling noise, mixing with all those unfamiliar sounds. Eunhyuk approached him with slow and unsure steps, his whole body was trembling like crazy and even though he wanted to avoid it his eyes started to water again.      
He sat down on the chair standing next to the bed and carefully grabbed one of Donghae's cold and pale hands; the needle of an IV stuck in the back of it and almost made him not daring to touch it. The bruises and scars at the crook of the younger's arms were dark and seemed like they had been painted on his skin; for him they simply didn’t belong to the younger's body. There were electrodes sticking to his bare upper body that connected him with one of the screens; his chest rose and fell with his regular breaths. Eunhyuk's eyes slowly travelled to Donghae's face. It looked peaceful despite everything, just like he was only sleeping. He wished he would.

Dr. Kim started to quietly explain Donghae's condition to him. She said that they had to administer him some medicine to neutralize the effect of the heroin and the paralysis of his lungs every hour; he had lapsed into a coma