CHAPTER VII
An Oath to Myself

“But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise—faint, like a heartbeat. And pure love—why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.” – Erma Bombeck

I hated it when I have so much to say but I couldn't pour it into words.

I was rolling on my bed, thinking all day. The kind of day when you woke up without feeling good, your body suddenly became heavy, your legs wouldn't carry you around, and your heart was making some noise with an uninvited unknown kind of pain.

I probably should stop thinking about Yoona.

If I couldn’t do that, then I should just never be a couple with her. I’ve always told myself that I WOULD NEVER be her couple. I’ve told myself countless of times that I would only be friends with Gee and Shikshin. That way, she’d catch the line, right? But maybe I should just stay away from her. Play with others.

Then I imagined myself appearing offline every night, just to see the notification of Shikshin and Gee getting online. This thing, wrenched my heart. I imagined myself having horrible feeling of wanting to see but knowing I shouldn't. It wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that'd be painful. I knew it would be.

“No.” I muttered, sinking my head below the pillows. “I shouldn’t hang around with them anymore.”

This should be the best option, for me and for them.

But how could I? I was officially a couple with Gee yesterday. The thing I wanted to happen but told myself that it should not ever, happened yesterday. It happened unexpectedly, naturally, unplanned. It was because Shikshin set up the couple mode and we played together for a long time.

Yul, of course, was team up with Gee. Even if it wasn't a couple mode play, I had to admit that Yoona and I would always team up together. Shikshin, on the other hand, was paired with Wooyoung. While playing, Shikshin’s been asking me lots of question about the continuation about Yoona and I.

It had me thinking for awhile, was I that obvious? And if I was that obvious... Did Yoona like me the way I like her? Why would Shikshin trying to be the cupid if Yoona didn’t have any feelings for me? I was happy. And sad. And guilty.

I was happy and sad at the same time, that I couldn't really sleep. The memory was vivid in my mind:

[Shikshin>Yul: won’t you ask Gee to be your couple?]

[Yul>Shikshin: huh what?]

[Shikshin>Yul: oh come onnn i am not blind. you have things for her, right? LOL]

Honestly, when I heard those words coming from her, I felt like being electrocuted. The thing I was avoiding—was getting placed right in front of my nose. The temptation was back. The devil was back, whispering to me: “It’s okay, it’s just a game. No hard feelings.”

But deep down, I knew, this wasn’t just ‘a game with no hard feelings’ because Yoona’s been on my mind all day and night. I battled wth my thoughts and feelings, but in the end, I listened to my emotions. I clicked the couple request button and Gee accepted it in 7 seconds. I counted it exactly.

“Yuri ya?”

I looked up, surprised to find someone looking at me with puzzled expression. She narrowed her gaze on me. “What were you thinking about? I’ve been here looking at your for maybe around three minutes.”

Of course I wouldn’t say, I was thinking of a girl I met in Audition. “Ah. Nothing much.”

“You lie. You look at the left side everytime you feel pressured.”

“It’s just... I don’t know.” I rubbed my head, not knowing how to describe this. “Just... confused. I think.”

“You look terrible, you know?” She crossed her arms, tilting her head a little. She made this gesture everytime she was trying to decipher the meaning behind someone’s expressions. “Your thoughts might be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.”

Taeng just threw a magical dart at the center of my heart. And somehow, this dart—brought pain along. I looked away. Then I realized that what she was saying was true. I always looked away when I was pressured.

I couldn’t look into the person’s eyes. I was afraid. I was feeling insecure. I was doubting myself. I was lying to myself. And I hated it when people said: “See? I told you, right?”

However, this midget here, didn’