I balled my eyes out the entire ride home, up the apartment elevator and into my room

I was a horrible child; I had made assumption, my own beliefs about my mother.

All this time I thought she was a sleeping around and a waste of life as she wasted it drinking, sleeping with other men and abusing me…

The reality was she did try to move forward life but when she thought my “father” was gunna be there for me he wasn’t… he wanted her for the night…
The different men she brought home was just to fill the void, the alcohol was a solution to make her forget the painful past for that night.
I thought she didn’t care though she did, that’s why she made me do pageants at 7 months, ballet at 2 years old, piano by 4, singing lessons by age 6, different styles of dance at 7… and so on
she wanted the best, for me to have a life, to move forward to get outta this mess

-BUZZZZZ- BUZZZZZZZZ-

“ERAAAA! PLEASE LET ME IN CHILD!” I heard Kim through the speaker, her trying to be let up to my apartment

“Umm... One sec, ill let you in” I stumbled trying to collect my thoughts
when Kim finally made it to my room, she held me “Love… how you doing?”
“Ill get over it, I guess” I said burying my face into her shoulder

“Talk” she said pulling us on the couch in the living room
-SIGHHH- “I want to take that flight to Canada you offered me a few weeks ago…” I admitted looking up at her now, as she patted my hair. “Please, I want to visit her grave… to thank her… and apologize”
“Daring… I’m not sure it’s a great idea” Kim said not looking at me biting her lip with uncertainty.

“Why not? It’s the least I could do, for not going to her funeral after all... and I think I want to see Tyson as well, will you contact him for me?” I questioned, now trying to sit upright
“Era… I don’t know..”
“Mwo? I miss my brother… we haven’t talked in weeks, and im sure he’ll come visit mum with me” I told her
“Its just he maybe busy, his wife just had their baby”
“Even better I get to see my nephew!” I said excited as I got up to grab my phone thinking about texting the cow, he hasn’t talked to me in about 3 weeks, not telling me he had a kid! :o
“Era” she touched my hand that was texting Tyson “think about this”
I waited for her to go on
“Im not sure how this will effect you love… you been fragile for the longest time with T.O.P, haven’t seen your brother in more then 3 years, and you haven’t been home in Canada in 3 years and..” she kept going

“Kim… I need this; this whole situation happened for a reason… I need to go, are u going to deprive me of my yearning for some part of my past?” I sad sadly looking down
“You know I would never deprive you from anything, especially your past, if you want to connect with it”
“then trust me that I will find some beauty in this, and heal a bit…”
-SIGH-
“but you have so much work to be done”
“you said im leaving on the end of the month, next month ye?
“ye”
“Great plenty of time! I have inspiration and ill do my interviews, photo shoots and signings okay? And I throw in big smiles everyday!!” I said kneeling excitedly in front of her
“I guess…” she said unsure “OKAY FINE. ASH stop making those faces they brake me dear girl” Kim said giving in
“YAYYYY! But Kim, don’t forget to….”
she finished my sentenced “make time for you and T.O.P” mumbling while rubbing her temples, eyes shut.
“I love you.” I kissed her cheek.