So it feels like this when you’re touching someone. It’s been too long for Mir for not to touch someone. The thought about it is already scared him. How come he becomes that afraid? He doesn’t really know. He just know that the fear is consumed his mind, paralyzed him.

Now, when he lightly held the older man’s hand, it doesn’t feel so bad. Far than it, it feels warm. Warm, comfortable, and save. There’s a weird feeling inside him, a feeling that he doesn’t realize he missed until now.

Slowly, he tightens his grip, doesn’t want this moment to end. He lifted his gaze to meet that someone who held him tenderly. That man gave him a soothe smile. It sent another warm wave through his body. It’s weird how he can’t pinpoint the face before. It almost sounds ridiculous how he tend to feel the face is familiar when actually he knows the face like he knows the back of his hand.

By that time, everything becomes splendid and blurry, than he looked the view in front of him. It’s like watching a movie. He saw…himself. He saw him with the same man who held him before. How does he know that the two men are the same? He just knows. No reason.

He saw the man raised his hand to place it on Mir’s cheek, on his cheek. Mir doesn’t refuse like he thought earlier. Mir allowed the man to softly cup his cheek and closed his both eyes. The Mir who watched the scene in front of him wished he could take a closer look. He in that scene looks happy, with a shade of red on his cheeks and smile tugging on his lips.

When the Mir in the scene opened his eyes, Mir gasped when he saw the look in his eyes, his own eyes. It’s shining with something he can’t describe than love. The man leaned and planted a small chaste kiss on his forehead.

That’s when he took a closer look. That’s when he could clearly see the identity of the man. It’s none other than Lee Joon.

Mir opened his eyes wide. The first thing he saw is the white ceiling of his room. He sighed and turned to see the alarm clock on the table next to his bed. It’s eight. He swirled the blanket between his fingers. Another dream or should he said memory? It’s happened for awhile now, since he came to the psychologist.

The psychologist, Dr. Kim is nice. She’s not just a crap who is faking to be cared just to dig out money out of your pocket. She also doesn’t make Mir feels like patient, the fact that he takes gratefully. She’s young, cheerful, and caring. She makes Mir comfortable to tell her bit by bit.

Together, they work to heal Mir, took little step further each time. There’s quite a progress. Mir now in stable condition, the panic attack decreased, and he slowly is able to eat. Dr. Kim is also reassuring him that there’s nothing to scare every time Mir walked out after their session. She answers almost all the question Mir asked her. Mir glad has her helps. Slowly, he feels like he gets a control of his life again.

The sound of his phone cut off his thought. He looked at the caller ID and pick up the call.

“Good morning,” said the familiar sound over the phone. “It’s me.”

“I know,” Mir murmured slowly. This is one of progress he made; able to control his fear. It’s still there, but he could handle it, like channeling his emotion.

“Have a good sleep last night?”

Mir hummed as an answer. The man over the phone chuckled softly. “It’s good. Just want to call you before work. I’m going to have work for Y magazine till noon.”

The younger although didn’t form any word, listening every word from his phone. That man tends to tell him everything he does all day. When he calls at night, he will tell Mir what he did from morning. When it’s morning, he will tell Mir his dream. He simply tell anything, from the simplest things like what song is playing on his iPod, the color of the sky from his window, the stranger’s weird style he met on the road, to the more urgent things like the next appointment to visit Dr. Kim.

Mir doesn’t respond to the ramble, but he doesn’t mind either. Actually, when he heard to those entire stories, he feels like he live another life. He often portrays himself in the situation that the man tells him, imagine he himself so brave and carefree, just like he used to.

“Rain already calls me. I’ll call you later?” he said with some uncertainty that ended like question. Mir nodded before realize that man can’t see him. He voiced his answer right after.

“Okay.”

“Okay. Have a fun day today.”

Joon ended up his call with smile plastered on his lips. It’s easier to communicate this way. Everyday Mir talks to him words by words, more than day before. He is also starting to get a grip of his life, the fact that relief Joon more than anything. Dr. Kim is a big help for both of them. Joon also has session with her. She kindly explains what exactly happened to Mir, giving Joon a new hope.

“Okay, let’s start our session for today,” Dr. Kim said friendly, patted the boy’s upper arm in comforting manner. Mir clearly looked a bit uncomfortable with the contact, but he doesn’t shrug away.

Joon is watching them through the one side mirror. There’s some sessions when Dr. Kim allowed him to take a look, also there’s some that only between her and Mir.

 “Don’t be nervous. Just answer what ‘s in your mind,” she calmed him down. She took a pen and her spiral note, ready to observe.

“Today?” she started their test.

“Survival,” the boy replied with low voice.

“Candy?”

“Sweet.”

“Go Eunah?” the psychologist said with the same tone.

“Sister.”

“Bang Mir?”

“Disgusting,” the boy replied.

Joon unconsciously clenched his fists. Mir now looked uncomfortable, like the first time they come here. Dr. Kim also run the same test the first time they arrive. She told him before she’ll run the test again to see whether Mir’s answer is change.

 “Lee Joon?” the raven haired held his breath, anxiously waited for the answer his lover will say. Is it still the same heartbreaking answer?

It seems like forever before the boy answered with one word; “Stranger.”

It’s still the same.

Dr. Kim wrote to her note before placing some photos on the coffee table between them. “It’s good, Mir, some answer is different from the previous. It’s mean you are starting to improve,” she said cheerfully, giving Mir her wide smile.

“Now, I want you to name all this pictures and tell me your impression, your relation, anything about them. Is it okay?”

Mir nodded slowly. “Alright, take a deep breath first. Just relax. If you don’t feel comfortable to speak about some person, you don’t have to answer.”

Dr. Kim pointed the first picture; Mir himself. “It’s me,” Mir answered with tad of confused.

She nodded. “Tell me about him.”

Mir took a deep breath. “He is Bang Cheolyong. Friends called him Mir. He used to be a cheerful boy.”

“What happened to him now?”

“He’s hurt, he’s scared. He’s imprisoned.”

“Imprisoned?” Dr. Kim asked with one brow raised.

Mir nodded. “By his own fear.”

“Alright, now tell me about her.”

The copper haired seems relax when he speaks later. “She is Go Eunah, my sister. Her actual name is Bang Hyojin. She is always a positive woman with a high willing.”

The test keeps going. Dr. Kim shows him lots of pictures. There are images of people Mir knows; Seungho, G.O, Cheondoong, Key, Nicole, Rain.

Lastly, it’s a picture of Joon. “Now, how about this one?” Dr. Kim asked him.

Mir stared for the picture longer than the other pictures before. Behind the one side mirror, Joon observed how Mir becomes tense again.

“You don’t want to talk about it?” Dr. Kim spoke.

Mir shook his head slowly. Dr. Kim put down her note and pen and took Mir’s empty cup. “Why? You don’t know him?”

“I know him,” Mir murmured quietly.

Dr. Kim refilled his empty cup with warm tea. “You know him? Who is he?” Dr. Kim placed the cup in front of Mir who immediately took it and brought it to his lips.

“Lee Joon,” Mir answered after drank the tea, grateful that the tea is warm and sweet.

“And who is Lee Joon to you Mir?”

Mir fell silent. Joon saw how the uncertainty tinted his eyes. He hated it and again, he can’t do anything about it.

“You don’t remember?”

Mir blinked and looked at his doctor’s face. “I don’t want to remember.”

After the two hours session with Mir, Dr. Kim met Joon that’s afternoon. “Mir is in the denial phase,” she explained. “He doesn’t want to admit what happened to him. It’s normal, considering the traumatized accident he experienced. He hardly accepts himself, not to say everyone else.”

Joon’s reading the report that Dr. Kim gave him earlier. The evaluation of Mir’s today test is all there. “I want to focus on make him accept himself first. That’s the most important to do now. Usually people with experienced like Mir tends to harm his self. Suicidal attempt is not rare to find,” she patted Joon’s arm to give reassurance and support when Joon tensed hearing the word suicidal.

“We will help him. I won’t let Mir go that far. We have so much progress here. He’ll be alright. It will take times but he will be alright.”

“Thank you,” Joon said to her. He is glad that Dr. Kim is here, care for Mir, and tenderly trying her best to heal the younger.

Dr. Kim smiled widely. “I assume you know that he doesn’t forget you?” she said, once again being serious.

Joon nodded though both forget and doesn’t want to remember are not really compromising. “He doesn’t want to remember because you and him ever being intimate. For his condition now, intimate is something that out of question. He can’t believe he has such an intimate relationship with someone when he is frightened just to be in the same room with man. It’s too confusing for his fragile mind that he chooses to ignore and buried the memory about it. It’s his way to defense and protect his mind,” Dr. Kim told Joon. “That makes it’s normal for him to fear you the most. Because he knows you are different. Even though he doesn’t want to remember, his sub conscious recognize you.”

Once again she smiled warmly, like a mother would do to her son. “You don’t need to worry, Joon. When Mir could take a hold of his emotion and realized you aren’t going to hurt him, he will remember his memory with you. I can’t guarantee but I almost sure he won’t forget any single thing.”

“YA! Lee Joon! Come back to earth and drag your here!” Rain’s loud voice brought Joon back to the present. He realized that he just pacing out and hurriedly come to stage.

Joon keeps asking himself what he doing here since he already request for break and Rain decided to take care of it. Oh right, it’s because he accepted this job before he requested for break. He shrugged when he took a pose for the magazine’s photo shoot. Well, he just unlucky.

“Oppa, I thought you are in the middle of hiatus?” his model partner, Hyuna asked.

“This is the last job before I’m going on break,” Joon answered her. They had plenty works together that grow friendship between them.

Hyuna nodded understanding before she tilted her face and put her arm on Joon’s shoulder as instructed. “How is Mir oppa? I haven’t seen him these days.”

Joon touched the tip of his fedora hat, glancing at Hyuna, and waited for the photographer to take the picture before he answer. “He is alright, has quite big appetite these days.” Beside Rain, nobody in his work place knows what happened with Mir.

Hyuna chuckled. “It’s a good think. Mir oppa is so slim that makes me and every girl here envy.”

Joon laughed along with her, wishing his job will be finish soon so he could call his lover. It’s barely twenty minutes, but he already misses him.

***

Pulling his hoodie to cover his face and adjust his glasses, Jay walks outside the crime scene, watching the police and detective movement secretly. He snorted when he passed the crime scene. That little boy isn’t famous or important person, why so many people make fuss about him?

Apparently that little has a great connection. He thought. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Mir. It’s a pity that Jay only has a little time with him. Mir is beautiful and y, if it’s up to him, Jay will lock Mir for days, the out of him before finally kill him. To his dismay, that person wants him to leave Mir unconscious on the street, so the little man could feel the fear through his bones. Seems like die is too merci to him.

Well, Jay never refused that person’s order. He lives for that person only. His feeling for that person is too big and allows him to do anything to make that person happy.

Even if that mean someone.

Written by: Honey June

So, I have reason why i'm not updating soon. First, I fell sick... again, to the point that i'm bored of it

second, my connection is still an

I promise for reply all your comments later at night, when my connection decided not to be a jerk.

well, enjoy

ps: read all the part of this chapter because tough it familiar, it's different. ^^