Joon was standing in front of Eunah’s apartment door. He stood there for 30 minutes already, lectured himself to get some courage and turn the door’s knob. He can’t. It's frightening him to open the door and meet Mir. A hundred questions filled his mind; How Mir will react when they meet? How is Mir now? Is he fine? Is he still scared much? Will he sees recognize in Mir’s eyes?

It’s been a week since Mir released from hospital. A week since Mir moves with Eunah and a week since last time Joon saw him. Eunah gave him Mir’s newest progression every day. From what she told, Joon knows that Mir’s get used to the apartment now. He already gets out of his room sometimes, although most the time he stays in his room, locking the door. He started to talk with Eunah sometime, just a few words, called her ‘nunna’, and listened to her, Joon glad that there’s some progress.

Sadly, the after effect is stronger than the progress. Eunah told that Mir doesn’t eat much. He even doesn’t eat for a whole day if Eunah didn’t force him, and threaten him sometimes. Mir also suffering from nightmare, he often screamed in the middle night. He also not letting anyone touches him, or even stayed close with him.

Joon really worried about it. He wants to come over the moment Eunah told him about the anxiety problem Mir’s suffered, but what he can do? What can he do when he is one of the causes of the anxiety? It tore his heart that he can’t do even a single thing to ease Mir’s anxiety. It kills him to just sit and waiting while Mir was screamed and trembles with fear. It feels like he goes under the same situation, the tragedy that night, and once again, he’s not there to protect the only one he should protect.

Eunah also mentioned about Joon to Mir. He doesn’t give any respond but to avoid that Eunah can't exactly told Joon even the latter already guess that. Joon fisted his hand before entering the security code Eunah told him earlier and opened the door. The first thing he sees is Mir, sitting on the couch under the blanket, hugging his knees. Joon didn’t miss the fact that Mir wore a sweater, and there’s collar shirt under the sweater.

He also notices that Mir’s cheeks sunken, a fact that Eunah didn’t mention before. The moment Mir sees him, he started to tense and fidget. He held the blanket into death grip, and unable to move his eyes away from Joon. His eyes filled with fear.

“Hello,” Joon carefully walked in, slowly so he doesn’t scared Mir more than he already is. “How are you today?” he said, never tearing his eyes off the younger, who now obviously avoiding his gaze.

Mir doesn’t reply. He just nodded subtly, indicating that he’s alright. Joon smiled, although the younger can’t see it. His gaze fell into Mir’s white knuckles for held the blanket so tight. He also saw how Mir’s shoulders stiff and how Mir looks like he wants to hide himself. Joon moved to another side and Mir started to tremble.

“I’m just stay here,” Joon said with soothing voice. He stopped moving and leaned on the wall at the farthest side from where the younger’s seating. “Is that okay?”

Once again Mir nodded, pulled the blanket over his shoulders and tried to stop his tremble. Joon doesn’t say any word for a moment, just take a clear look on his lover. “Are you cold?” Joon asked with concern laced his voice. He saw Mir pulled the blanket over again, covering his body from neck to toe, although the room is warm, with the heater on.

“You sick?” Joon asked again, ignoring the urge to come and touch Mir’s forehead to check on him.

This time Mir shook his head, still avoiding looking at Joon. Like he wants to prove that he isn’t, his gripped on the blanket lessen and he lets the blanket fall into his lap. Now Mir linked his fingers together.

Eunah comes just in time. She smiled seeing there’s some interaction between his brother and Joon, even if just a little.“Oppa you come,” she greeted Joon. Joon nodded and smiling slightly to her, but didn’t pry his eyes away from Mir, who now seems better with Eunah here. “I wanna to talk about what we mentioned earlier, but it can wait, you two just talk first,” she said.

“No, we’ll talk about it first,” Joon said. Once the words spilled from his mouth, he notices Mir becomes relax.

“Okay then,” Eunah said, “Mireu, the chicken soup is ready,” she told his brother. She convinced him to eat awhile ago, pleading him to at least make something enter his empty stomach. Mir won’t agree if he doesn’t see how stressed she was over him.

“Nunna,” Mir called as light as air, looked down on his hand which nervously crumpled the blanket. “Is it okay if I eat in my room?”

“Sure,” Eunah easily complied, whatever as long Mir eats something. “I’ll bring it to your room.”

 Joon watched when Mir gets up from the couch, and leaving to his room, takes the farthest route from where Joon's standing. Eunah drifted her eyes to Joon, already opened to speak but she closed it after she saw the glint in Joon's eyes. Those pair of warm brown eyes filled with something that Eunah can't describe with anything else then longing. A strong and intense gaze that never leaves her brother.

Eunah clears to gain Joon's attention. "Take a seat and make yourself at home, I’ll be right back."

Joon seats on the couch that Mir sat earlier, let his hand runs into the softness of Mir's blanket which he left. He doesn't utter a single word but Eunah understands his worry. "I'll come only after I’m sure he eats something."

Then she left Joon alone, buried with the soft scent of Mir. In barely ten minutes, Eunah comebacks with a soft smile plastered on her lips. She sat in front of Joon, offer him a cup of warm tea. "How are you oppa?" she asked carefully, eyes never leaves Joon's face.

Joon managed to smile. "I'm fine." He fixed his position and let off the blanket. "How about the medical report?"

"I already gave it to Seungho oppa," Eunah trailed off. She knows he is far than fine, but she doesn't say anything. They've gone some understanding for not to talk about how hard it is for them. When someone looks at Joon's face, to the dark circles under his eyes, his sunken cheeks, and to the empty gaze in his eyes, then there's no word is necessary.

Joon nodded. Seungho already called him the moment he knows what happened to Mir. He offers to help, to find the culprits and punish them by the law. Seungho is a good prosecutor, the best that Joon knows. He knows lots people that can help, and he promised Joon that the culprits will be found soon. None of them could run away after what they did to Mir. Seungho's words managed to calm Joon somehow. He knows he can trust the elder, knowing he won't stop before he finds the culprits.

Not to mention the affection Seungho always has for the youngest.

Who isn't attached to him anyway? Joon thought while smiling vaguely. Mir always so lovely, so pure, and kind, which attached people near him. Before they realized, they already fell for the angel.

"They came just before you come," Eunah told him, referring to Seungho and G.O. "They want to meet Mir. It's disaster," she smiled sadly. "Mireu, he freaked out, just like once at the hospital. He screamed and cried really hard. I don't know what to do oppa."

Without realized, Joon fisted both his hands hard. Some part of him angry because Eunah didn't tell him earlier, before it shut down by the rational part of him. He can't be any help either. Once again the thought that he can't do anything washed over him like a huge wave. He felt drown, useless. He took Eunah's hand and was about to reassure him when the loud voice rang through his ears followed by screams.

***

Mir sat quietly inside his room, resting his back on the stack of pillows. Those pillows are soft and Eunah always keeps his room's temperature warm and comfy, yet he feels restless with all the thoughts running in his mind. He unconsciously puffed his cheeks, a habit when he was in a deep thought. He is very much aware that he makes everybody worried. Seungho and G.O are worrying over him, Cheondoong and Key are really concern about him, and their voice through the phone really contains their sincere. His sister looks like she was about to cry every time she looks at him.

And there's that guy. Lee Joon. He's far from worry. The word 'worry' seems to belittle his feeling. Mir can't find the right word which strong enough to express Joon's feeling. Mir is too scared to look right into his eyes, but you don't need to look into his eyes to see how desperate he is. How this mess affects him. It eats him alive and everyday Mir could sense the burden on Joon's shoulders becomes heavier.

Lee Joon. The name only already tugs his heart, leaving somewhat uncomfortable feeling lingers behind. He scares, he can't deny that. He scares as hell whenever Joon's around. He scares when he hears Joon's voice, he scares just to hear about him. Even the memory about him hurts. The keyword of course being scared, although there's no reason for being to.

He knows Joon as good as the back of his palm. He understands him probably more than Joon understands about himself. For eleven months of being together, not even once Joon handles him violently. He always so caring, so loving. There is practically no reason for Mir to be afraid of Joon, but the fact that he does really pissed Mir off. He hates it when his mind went blank wherever Joon comes. He hates the panic attacks he has whenever some guy, mostly Joon, get near him. He also gets tired of the countless long nights he spent trembles under his blanket, crying soundlessly.

The eleven months of happiness with Joon...he can't imagine it now. He can't even think about them being together. How can it be? The thought of being close with Joon already turns his blood cold, living together with him...sounds like fairytale.

Joon, Eunah, Seungho, G.O, Cheondoong, Key, everyone worried about him. Everyone works hard for him. To this, he doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't like to be pitied, to be burden for anyone. They don't deserve to be like that. It's more than once that Mir really think of them leaving him alone. It's better for all of them that way. Just leave him alone.

Mir took another sight and his gaze fell to a bowl of warm chicken soup that Eunah kindly prepare for him. Mir takes the bowl, stirred it slowly. He doesn't have an appetite, never since he opened his eyes at the hospital. He doesn't eat unless Eunah begging him too. He just doesn't want to bother Eunah more than he already was. He dips the spoon to the soup and brought it into his mouth. He swallowed one mouthful warm chicken soup.

Almost in an exact time with his gulp, Mir's vision blurred. He felt cold and wet, as the rainy night hits him. His back pressed to the wet road below him. His body feels heavy, someone hovering above him, pinned him down, and cut off his circulation. The man pressed his neck a little too hard before violently kiss him. He was abusing Mir's lips, bite it till Mir could taste the blood. Mir struggled to break free but it just makes the man excited more, his hand roam over, getting down and down, and palmed Mir right there. In his vision, the man suddenly change, the picture replaced. In his vision, there's Joon who kiss him, who touch him. It's Joon who pinned him at the cold and wet road that night.

Mir jerked away and snapped to the reality. His body becomes paralyses as the familiar rush of fear washed over his body. He saw the bowl slipped before hits the floor and broken into tiny pieces. The flashback about the tragedy that night haunting his mind. Before he really recognizes it, he screamed. He screamed from top of his lungs, just like that night. He brought arms to hug his knees, hiding his face there. Tears spilled and he can't breathe, not with the man strangled him.

Mir's scream brought Joon and Eunah rushed to his room. They opened the door and saw terrible thing happened which stopped them in front of the opened door. They saw Mir, who lifted his face from hearing their footsteps. His face wetted with tears and he trembles violently. He is struggling to breath. Joon looked right into his eyes and found the brown orbs don't react. Mir, though looking at their direction, blinded by the horrible memory that running inside his mind.

The state makes Eunah covered his mouth and busted into tears, lost for words and for what to do. She took one step closer before realized that it’s worsen the situation. Joon held her when Mir struggled to breath. His chest rose up and down wildly as he tried hard to breath. His face scrunched in pain every time he tried to intake air for his lungs. Eunah step back, hand automatically grasped Joon's arm hard.

"Mir," Joon's almost steady voice called him. His voice snapped Mir's back and Joon released his held up breath when he saw Mir blinked. "Mir, breaths slowly, don’t try too hard," Joon spoke again, this time gently and steady. "It's okay, just slowly." Joon repeated over again, becomes softer every time he talked to Mir. He keeps talking until Mir blinks once again and his breath becomes normal.

Mir looked to his sister who crying soundlessly. He looked at the mess below him and realized what he just did. Tears slipped from his eyes. "I-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I-" he said shakily. He bends down, trying to pick the shards.

"No, no, Mir, please don't," Joon prevented him. Mir froze but doesn't bring his eyes to meet Joon's. "It's okay, I'll clean it. Don't touch, you might hurt yourself." With that Joon took one step closer. "I will just cleaning the shards," he informed the younger man who backed away to the corner of his bed.

Like that Eunah finally managed to take a grip of herself and rushing out. "I'll take the cleaning stuff," she said on her way.

Joon managed to gather all the big shards he could see, carefully avoiding the wet floor and looking for the liquid on the floor, glad he doesn't found blood. "Do you get hurt somewhere?" he asked softly to calm the scared man. He doesn't get any answer from Mir, but he keeps on gathering the shards on his hand. He shook his head once his vision starts to get blurry. The aftershock finally hits him. The feeling scares, desperate, anger, sad, all he feels when he saw Mir slowly took a rise in him.

His hands trembles but he ignores them, takes  a deep breath and getting control of his self again. Eunah came back noisily. It looks like she brought all cleaning stuff she had at home. She started to weep the wet floor with mop without said anything. Joon threw the shards into the trash, before holding Eunah's both shoulders, effectively stopping her.

"I'll take care of this one, go and calm yourself," he said soothingly. Eunah opened , wanted to refuse right away. Joon smiled and shook his head. The look on his eyes made her retreat. Both of them understand how the situation shocked them. Eunah gives up on her stubbornness and takes a single glance on her brother. Her heart's bleeding by the sight of Mir hugging his self on the corner of his bed, afraid of them like he doesn't know them. Tear escapes her eyes and she wipes it right after. It's not time to lose herself, she must be strong for her brother, and to protect him like a mom will do to her son. She must be strong to be able to stand beside Joon, cheer him up, not to get protected by him too.

"Alright," she said with a strong confidence in her voice. "Mireu, I’ll make something warm to drink, okay? It will make you lots better," she told Mir and Joon smiled when he recognized the cheerful tone that Eunah usually had in her voice whenever she talks to Mir.

Joon continue on wiping the floor, cleaning all the mess. However his movement stopped when he hears a muffle sob. He sat on the floor and rests his back to the bed. Many things he wanted to say to his lover but he keeps his mouth closed. Many things that he wanted to say, although he needs to say that, will not help through the situation. Mir  is very fragile right now, vulnerable that a little wave could broke him. He can't stand looking how hurts the younger, how scared he is every time he met someone, every time the nightmare come back and haunt him, sleep or awake.

That's more than enough to Joon to ignore what he needs and focused on what the best he can give to Mir. More than once he ever thought on leaving. Wondering if it will be better if he isn't at the younger's side. After that thought flew in, his mind instantly defending by think that there must be someone for Mir to lean,  someone to protect him and also his sister, someone to bring everything together into the perfect place where everything should be. Someone to hold Mir before he breaks away. He always grateful that there are reasons for him to stay.

He waited till the muffled sob stopped. He waited till the frantic breath turn into soft and neat. That time, he stood and saw Mir fell asleep. He smiled, despite the worried he had for the younger for crying too hard. He took steps closer to the bed, careful not to make any sound. By this close distance, he could see it all in Mir's face. The traces of tiressy, worry, and mostly fear in his not so peaceful sleep. He can't explain the pain in his chest when he saw Mir up this close without worried that the younger will be afraid.

Slowly, he pulls the blanket to Cover Mir's now thin body. He covers the younger up to shoulders, and step back. Mir still hugging his self, looks not so comfortable to sleep, but Joon can't risk waking up the copper hair if he moves  him. Remember to check on him, Joon placed his hand delicately on Mir's forehead, brushing his lock away. When he could feel the normal heat radiating from Mir, he retreats.

"Sleep tight sweetheart," he said softly. Took one last glance over the copper hair, he whispers a faint, almost inaudible words that he keeps for himself all this time. "I love you."

Written by: Honey June

I know it's been a long time. I've been very busy with my exam and college stuffs, but the main reason is because I can't portray the characters in this story the way I want. Suddenly the feeling changed and I got stuck for awhile, but it's all good now. I can see them crystal clear. 

Also I'm on holiday till february! kekeke. I'll try to update regularly. 

Now now, when I re-reading this, I realized I made a big mistake. At the prologue Mir told u guys that he had been in relationship for almost a year, but the next paragraph told that it's been 3 years. TT I don't know what's in my mind on that time. Sorry. I already correct it so it won't make any confuse. I will dilligently edit all the chapter from now on.  ^^

see y later

KeyOppaSaranghae Mir himself could feel the unstable emotion inside him. He only feel safe with his sister in a moment because she is a family and is a girl. It's better for him to be close with girl than with man, especially Joonie. He knows him deep inside, but he can't imagine that they shared such a happy time together.

I also enjoy to read your comment. It's always so heart-warming.

Karenkitty1092 Almost everyone feel bad for Joon. kekeke. Mir is the victim here, but I agree, It's harder for Joon in some way

^^ will try to update faster.

GenerationX Mir is feeling uneasy with everyone now, mostly Joon of course. He knows that Joon never hurt him, but sometimes people can be afraid irrationally. It's true Mir is far from being reasonable now. His emotion is all mixed and pushed him in uncertain directions. Maybe himself doesn't really know what's really inside his mind, but our Joon never fail isn't he? Kekeke. Aigoo, I tend to forget how sharp u could be. It's always fun to read your feedback.

MeroMarocco Yes the three are broken heart now. Even it subtles, but Eunah probably the most broken heart seeing his brother and his lover both suffer. We all know how she loves his baby brother, that's why I really love her. kekekeke

Then isn't this the best way to train? kekeke. Have a confident on yourself.  I'm waiting~~ 

BLAQRAINGELTX Hello there! Welcome~~

What? Nooooo I don't have the heart to make the BLAQIES bad guy here. Keke can't imagine Doongdoongie did that. All the sympathy goes to Joonie. ^^ But he's strong and will getting stronger. 

Thank youuuu

dary-dara O-ow you win the first prize, but let's see if Mir exactly forget or not. 

O.o you could be really cruel, dear, although I'm agree they deserve that. Well, I'm sure Yang leader is more than able to do that. ^^