Ink in the Snow || Cutie-Pie || 71%
The PROM15E box。// closing downINK IN THE SNOW BY CUTIE-PIE
TITLE: 7 / 10
I couldn’t figure out what your story is about as the first thing that I thought of was why will there even be ink in the snow? I also can't relate your title to your storyline at all (other than the fact that it was during the winter season) and don't understand where the 'ink' came from.
I am thinking that 'inked' would be a better choice if you meant memories Jongin and Kyungsoo created during the winter. If this is really what you meant, the title is pretty much unique since you didn't just put something like 'Memories in the Snow' which gives a very literal meaning.
DESCRIPTION: 7 / 10
The description is weak. It doesn’t interest me and sounds like a typical romance story that is taking place during the Christmas season. A good description is one that has the ability to leave reader hanging and wanting more. Your description is simply just a plain statement; a one sentence summary of the story. This is just based on my own opinion. However, there are people who read and really like this kind of sweet romance stories.
First and foremost, readers are not told under what circumstances they kissed. What made them do it?
Moreover, why did Jongin leave in the first place? Nothing really explained what happened over the period of time they separated.
Why did Kyungsoo cry that Christmas? How long ago was that Christmas to make his icy glare haunt Jongin for a while now? Since when did Jongin start having difficulties to fall asleep?
The storyline isn't under the original category as the story is a rather simple one about Jongin who had fallen in love with his childhood friend. I feel that the story is incomplete after I had finished reading it as the ending just hanged me there. It got me thinking if Jongin will really try to kiss Kyungsoo again, if there will finally be a confession and whether these two will end up together. It was not a very satisfying ending but I guess all that I thought about will happen since Jongin really sounds like he came back for his love.
TITLE: 7 / 10
I couldn’t figure out what your story is about as the first thing that I thought of was why will there even be ink in the snow? I also can't relate your title to your storyline at all (other than the fact that it was during the winter season) and don't understand where the 'ink' came from.
I am thinking that 'inked' would be a better choice if you meant memories Jongin and Kyungsoo created during the winter. If this is really what you meant, the title is pretty much unique since you didn't just put something like 'Memories in the Snow' which gives a very literal meaning.
Yet, the title is too vague. Every title used for stories should always establish a strong link with the plot itself but with a title to sum up the whole story as memories made during winter, it can be used for many different kind of stories.
PRESENTATION: 5 / 5
The layout of your story looks sophisticated and organised just like a book. The font can be larger for the description but it should be fine for most of the readers. The colours used were still acceptable and you have a pretty poster by the way.
PRESENTATION: 5 / 5
The layout of your story looks sophisticated and organised just like a book. The font can be larger for the description but it should be fine for most of the readers. The colours used were still acceptable and you have a pretty poster by the way.
The fact that each paragraph was kept short sort of gave a pretty lighthearted feeling when I was reading it.
DESCRIPTION: 7 / 10
The description is weak. It doesn’t interest me and sounds like a typical romance story that is taking place during the Christmas season. A good description is one that has the ability to leave reader hanging and wanting more. Your description is simply just a plain statement; a one sentence summary of the story. This is just based on my own opinion. However, there are people who read and really like this kind of sweet romance stories.
I wouldn't really say that your description did justice for your story because you did not mention that he was returning to celebrate Christmas with his childhood friend and love.
FOREWORD: 0 / 5
FOREWORD: 0 / 5
No mark is awarded as the foreword is not something that contributes to the story. The way of crediting is neat.
WRITING MECHANICS: 10 / 15
WRITING MECHANICS: 10 / 15
There were mistakes here and there but they are easy to correct. Just be sure to look out for them in the future.
Original: You never liked the winter so much.
Correction: You never really liked winter.
Adding ‘so much’ at the end gives an impression that the said person likes winter now as ‘so much’ is used as for comparison.
Below is an example of a sentence with comparison:
Original: The familiar turn to the right swayed me back from the memories to the reality and it wasn’t so bad how I expected it would.
Correction: The familiar turn to the right swayed me back from the memories to present and it wasn’t as bad as how I had expected it to be.
Correction: The familiar turn to the right swayed me back from the memories to present and it wasn’t as bad as how I had expected it to be.
In this case, the two underlined phrases are used to make a comparison between Jongin's feeling at that time and what he initially though he would feel. However, this sentence does not sound right. You have to be clear about what it is. I changed the word 'reality' to 'present' because 'reality' is too strong to use in such situation.
Original: You didn't like the cold, I didn't like when you were cold.
Correction: You didn't like the cold; I didn't like when you were cold.
The said person not liking the cold and ‘you’ not liking the cold is two independent clauses. A semicolon or a full stop should be used instead. If you need more information on semicolons, this website might help: here
Original: You tried not to cry, even trough I said it’s okay to cry. You kicked me and said it’s the worst Christmas for you.
Correction: You tried not to cry, even though I said it was okay to cry. You kicked me and said it was the worst Christmas for you.
Correction: You tried not to cry, even though I said it was okay to cry. You kicked me and said it was the worst Christmas for you.
Knowing when to use present and past tense also something I haven't really fully manage to grasp yet. Always match the tenses. As 'said' is a past tense, the next word should be written in past tense too. Some exceptions are: did not (didn't), could not (couldn't), should not (shouldn't), etcetera. And do take note of the spelling of 'though'.
Original: On some points, you fueled my hope and as the boundaries became thiner, I was tempted to do something stupid again.
Correction: At some point, you fueled my hope and as the boundaries became thinner, I was tempted to do something stupid again.
Correction: At some point, you fueled my hope and as the boundaries became thinner, I was tempted to do something stupid again.
This is an example of wrong use of preposition and another spelling error. This website has some examples of when to use which preposition: here
Original: I stepped out of the car, with the bag full with gifts and unseen memories that only the empty, snowed streets know… and you
Correction: I stepped out of the car, with the bag full with gifts and unseen memories that only the empty, snowed streets and you know.
There is no need to use ellipsis here; if you want to put the ellipsis, it should be placed between 'and' and 'you'. As for sentence structure wise, the phrasing is awkward.
CHARACTERISATION: 11 / 20
In my opinion, planning the characterisation and plot are the hardest part when writing an one shot. Mostly, one shots are fast paced and only has an average of 2000 words which is really short to be able to fully develop these two parts.
Your one shot revolves around Jongin and I only got to know a little about Kyungsoo's personality when Jongin reminisce the past. After coming to my final conclusion, these two characters left me utterly confused. They weren't exactly flat; neither rounded.
I don't understand if Jongin and Kyungsoo are just being childish or what, but it was weird that they kissed, one got a girlfriend, kissed again and Jongin's girlfriend became Kyungsoo's (if i have not misinterpreted it). Is Jongin a playboy? What was their reason for doing that? It seems like they like each other but yet, their actions after they kissed just contradicts with that.
It is clear that Jongin had fallen for Kyungsoo, but readers never really gotten a confirmation that Kyungsoo felt the same way. Even though it was pretty obvious, I feel that Kyungsoo should have been given more exposure as Jongin's point of view was not enough for us to know Kyungsoo.
Honestly speaking, was the characters given characteristics beforehand? This is probably what most people tend to forgo about, especially when writing one shots. It is true to say that characters will grow with the story but it is also important to create a personality for the characters to make them stand out. It's not easy to always (or even try) to incorporate the characteristics you want in your characters but there's always the saying that goes, 'practice makes perfect.'
PLOT: 21 / 30
Moving on to the plot, I feel that it is too abrupt. It did not give us the full story, simply a bit of elaboration on the past and you moved on to write about Jongin returning to visit Kyungsoo on Christmas.
In my opinion, planning the characterisation and plot are the hardest part when writing an one shot. Mostly, one shots are fast paced and only has an average of 2000 words which is really short to be able to fully develop these two parts.
Your one shot revolves around Jongin and I only got to know a little about Kyungsoo's personality when Jongin reminisce the past. After coming to my final conclusion, these two characters left me utterly confused. They weren't exactly flat; neither rounded.
I don't understand if Jongin and Kyungsoo are just being childish or what, but it was weird that they kissed, one got a girlfriend, kissed again and Jongin's girlfriend became Kyungsoo's (if i have not misinterpreted it). Is Jongin a playboy? What was their reason for doing that? It seems like they like each other but yet, their actions after they kissed just contradicts with that.
It is clear that Jongin had fallen for Kyungsoo, but readers never really gotten a confirmation that Kyungsoo felt the same way. Even though it was pretty obvious, I feel that Kyungsoo should have been given more exposure as Jongin's point of view was not enough for us to know Kyungsoo.
Honestly speaking, was the characters given characteristics beforehand? This is probably what most people tend to forgo about, especially when writing one shots. It is true to say that characters will grow with the story but it is also important to create a personality for the characters to make them stand out. It's not easy to always (or even try) to incorporate the characteristics you want in your characters but there's always the saying that goes, 'practice makes perfect.'
PLOT: 21 / 30
Moving on to the plot, I feel that it is too abrupt. It did not give us the full story, simply a bit of elaboration on the past and you moved on to write about Jongin returning to visit Kyungsoo on Christmas.
First and foremost, readers are not told under what circumstances they kissed. What made them do it?
Moreover, why did Jongin leave in the first place? Nothing really explained what happened over the period of time they separated.
Why did Kyungsoo cry that Christmas? How long ago was that Christmas to make his icy glare haunt Jongin for a while now? Since when did Jongin start having difficulties to fall asleep?
The storyline isn't under the original category as the story is a rather simple one about Jongin who had fallen in love with his childhood friend. I feel that the story is incomplete after I had finished reading it as the ending just hanged me there. It got me thinking if Jongin will really try to kiss Kyungsoo again, if there will finally be a confession and whether these two will end up together. It was not a very satisfying ending but I guess all that I thought about will happen since Jongin really sounds like he came back for his love.
All in all, the plot seems random.
FLOW: 15 / 20
The overall flow of the story is actually acceptable although you could have tried to balance both parts of the story better; the first part which focused a lot on the past and the second part in which was the two's reunion.
My suggestion is to actually elaborate more about Jongin's (if possible, Kyungsoo's too) feelings then.
WRITING STYLE: 23 / 30
Basically, what you lack in your writing is details. Know how to give the right amount of information that your readers need to know so as to avoid confusion. The fact that Jongin only reminisce failed to show that his mind was really in a mess. It was more like he was looking forward to the meeting again and just start recalling about the past.
FLOW: 15 / 20
The overall flow of the story is actually acceptable although you could have tried to balance both parts of the story better; the first part which focused a lot on the past and the second part in which was the two's reunion.
My suggestion is to actually elaborate more about Jongin's (if possible, Kyungsoo's too) feelings then.
WRITING STYLE: 23 / 30
Basically, what you lack in your writing is details. Know how to give the right amount of information that your readers need to know so as to avoid confusion. The fact that Jongin only reminisce failed to show that his mind was really in a mess. It was more like he was looking forward to the meeting again and just start recalling about the past.
As you are not fluent in English, i definitely don't expect you to be able to use too much flowery words and all. I appreciate the simplicity of your story.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 8 / 10
I'm only giving eight marks here because I noticed the weird parts of the story and ended up rereading the story because I thought I misread about the part on Jongin's girlfriend becoming Kyungsoo's. I don't mark originality here since this is based on my personal preference and there is definitely nothing wrong to read a simple romance story once in a while.
TOTAL: 107 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 71 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
All the best with your writing! It will take time to finally master the skills to write well (I definitely need to work much harder instead of slacking all the time) but just don't give up and keep trying.
I feel so guilty for making you wait so long for such a useless review. I guessed I lost my touch (?) Thank you for requesting and waiting. Contact me if you don't understand any part of the review!
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 8 / 10
I'm only giving eight marks here because I noticed the weird parts of the story and ended up rereading the story because I thought I misread about the part on Jongin's girlfriend becoming Kyungsoo's. I don't mark originality here since this is based on my personal preference and there is definitely nothing wrong to read a simple romance story once in a while.
TOTAL: 107 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 71 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
All the best with your writing! It will take time to finally master the skills to write well (I definitely need to work much harder instead of slacking all the time) but just don't give up and keep trying.
I feel so guilty for making you wait so long for such a useless review. I guessed I lost my touch (?) Thank you for requesting and waiting. Contact me if you don't understand any part of the review!
-onlysj
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