The Twilight of Our Love || GreenGardenPop ★
The PROM15E box。// closing downTHE TWILIGHT OF OUR LOVE BY GREENGARDENPOP
TITLE: 8 / 10
DESCRIPTION: 7 / 10
The description only offered one sentence on the actual plot, but it was short and sweet - something that would definitely intrigue readers, however it does seem a little cliche and that could put some readers off. Different people have different preferences when it comes to the length of the description, but personally I would prefer to see just one or two sentences more.
FOREWORD: 4 / 5 (bonus)
PLOT: 21 / 30
The plot of the story, admittedly, was not perfectly original. However, though the plot is predictable, the relationship between the two main characters wasn't, and I'd like to applaud you on that. In terms of how believable the story was, I could tell that you had done your research on leukemia and its symptoms, so in that sense it was very well done and absolutely believable. On the other hand, it seems difficult to believe that Baekhyun hadn't tried harder to find the reason behind Jiyeon's sudden disappearance - why ask only her family? I'm not saying that he would've been able to find out, but it would've been more believable if he had done more ( such as ask her friends, maybe? ) where she had gone. Meaningfulness - reading the story, I found it to be a very touching story, however, it's a shame because it does lose some of its meaningfulness due to the often very cliché moments.
FLOW: 18 / 20
The flow of the story was very easy to follow, and quite gentle and slow - befitting of its tone and atmosphere. At times, I did feel that the story was dragging on too slowly - and yet, during some of the character's dialogue, I felt like things were being a bit too rushed. That is, I felt that Chanyeol's explanation in the last chapter was too rushed and unnatural, possibly due his dialogue appearing as one large block of text. All in all however, the story flowed well throughout.
WRITING STYLE: 26 / 30
The tone and atmosphere of your story was really well done, and it really suited the plot of your story. The reason I gave you a high score for your writing style is due to many things. Firstly, the imagery you conjured of the stream where Baekhyun and Jiyeon had their dates was amazing. You described settings in detail beautifully, yet without making it too lengthy or typical. You often used figurative language, which really added to the depth of your story, and considering you are not a first-language English speaker, I find it to be very impressive. For your diction, I could tell that you put in effort to not re-use the same words again and again, and that is always a good thing to do. However, I do find that some words are slightly awkwardly placed, though they do make sense within the context they're in. Again, I might be being a little nit-picky with it, but although a change up in diction is good, using fancy and rarely-used words is not necessarily good when it comes to a reader's understanding. Also, as mentioned before, it'd be nice if the language and sentence structures you used in the characters' dialogue were less formal, as some parts made me wonder 'would someone actually speak like this?' Apart from that though, I really like your writing style and especially the detailed imagery you manage to conjure.
TOTAL: 128 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 85 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
Firstly - I am so sorry for taking so long to review your story. I actually read your story ages ago, but I struggled to write much about it, due to it's near-flawlessness. Your writing style and mechanics are amongst the best I've seen, so even though I picked on those things a lot, please be reassured that it's just me trying to make you even better! I look forward to reading other stories of yours in the future, and who knows? Maybe I'll see on featured one day - I'm sure you'd be able to achieve that.
- soeffingkpop
TITLE: 8 / 10
In terms of relevance and appropriateness, I find the title to be very befitting of this gentle love story. I'd like to give you a huge thumbs up for the fact that it actually links to the characters themselves, especially jiyeon, and how their love developed, as not many people are able to do that. It is slightly lacking in terms of its originality and memorability however, but it is still a very well-suited title.
PRESENTATION: 5 / 5
Font type, size and colour all are simplistic and therefore easy to read, the layout as well also seems very neat and crisp. The spaces between paragraphs are obvious and not too close or far apart, and therefore I give you a perfect score for the layout. The addition of the poster in the foreword is also a nice touch.
PRESENTATION: 5 / 5
Font type, size and colour all are simplistic and therefore easy to read, the layout as well also seems very neat and crisp. The spaces between paragraphs are obvious and not too close or far apart, and therefore I give you a perfect score for the layout. The addition of the poster in the foreword is also a nice touch.
DESCRIPTION: 7 / 10
The description only offered one sentence on the actual plot, but it was short and sweet - something that would definitely intrigue readers, however it does seem a little cliche and that could put some readers off. Different people have different preferences when it comes to the length of the description, but personally I would prefer to see just one or two sentences more.
FOREWORD: 4 / 5 (bonus)
The poem describing twilight is a nice addition, as it sets the tone of the story well in my opinion. The layout is neat, and the long list of reviews does give an impression to readers that it'll be a good read.
WRITING MECHANICS: 14 / 15
WRITING MECHANICS: 14 / 15
Despite English not being your first language, I can easily say there were no huge errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation and the lot. However, I do tend to nit-pick when it comes to writing mechanics, so the following are a few things that I thought needed tweaking a bit.
Original: He slowly closed his eyes, enjoying this blissful moment, losing in his world.
Correction (option one): He slowly closed his eyes, enjoying this blissful moment, losing himself in his own world.
Correction (option two): He slowly closed his eyes, enjoying this blissful moment, lost in his own world.
Original: His arms tightened around him and let his wracking sobs of despair rush through them.
Correction: His arms tightened around him and let his racking sobs of despair rush through them.
Original: A warm feeling of contentment. . . their back facing him.
Correction: A warm feeling of contentment. . . their backs facing him.
Original: Jiyeon had her head rested against her mother's shoulder, dressed in. . . dark pants, a brown colored-knit hat.
Correction: Jiyeon had her head rested against her mother's shoulder, dressed in. . . dark pants and a brown-colored knit hat.
Original: He felt helpless, numbed and heart-broken, seeing his wife suffer.
Correction: He felt helpless, numb and heart-broken, seeing his wife suffer.
Original: . . she nestled against him accepting gracefully the warmth and comfort he provided.
Correction: . . she nestled against him, gracefully accepting the warmth and comfort he provided.
Correction (option one): He slowly closed his eyes, enjoying this blissful moment, losing himself in his own world.
Correction (option two): He slowly closed his eyes, enjoying this blissful moment, lost in his own world.
Original: His arms tightened around him and let his wracking sobs of despair rush through them.
Correction: His arms tightened around him and let his racking sobs of despair rush through them.
Original: A warm feeling of contentment. . . their back facing him.
Correction: A warm feeling of contentment. . . their backs facing him.
Original: Jiyeon had her head rested against her mother's shoulder, dressed in. . . dark pants, a brown colored-knit hat.
Correction: Jiyeon had her head rested against her mother's shoulder, dressed in. . . dark pants and a brown-colored knit hat.
Original: He felt helpless, numbed and heart-broken, seeing his wife suffer.
Correction: He felt helpless, numb and heart-broken, seeing his wife suffer.
Original: . . she nestled against him accepting gracefully the warmth and comfort he provided.
Correction: . . she nestled against him, gracefully accepting the warmth and comfort he provided.
As I said, they're not really that problematic or anything - I'm just very nit-picky, so you can consider your writing mechanics all good.
CHARACTERISATION: 17 / 20
In terms of uniqueness, I found Jiyeon's character to have been more developed personality-wise than Baekhyun. Her personality seemed distinct and unique, but I feel that Baekhyun's character needed a bit more development to make him a memorable character. Furthermore, I felt that Baekhyun's personality was a bit too varied - it'd be nice if certain characteristics were emphasised on, similar to how Jiyeon's playfulness and stubbornness was emphasised. Criticisms aside, I applaud you for making them seem believable, which many authors do struggle on getting right. For Chanyeol however, even though he isn't a main character, I feel that more could be done in his characterization too. The premise of the story is that Baekhyun and Chanyeol were friends first, but in the last chapter, you don't really display that friendship. Therefore I think by developing the interactions between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, not only would you expand on Chanyeol's character, but if done right, you could also use it as a way to further reinforce Baekhyun's character too.
In terms of uniqueness, I found Jiyeon's character to have been more developed personality-wise than Baekhyun. Her personality seemed distinct and unique, but I feel that Baekhyun's character needed a bit more development to make him a memorable character. Furthermore, I felt that Baekhyun's personality was a bit too varied - it'd be nice if certain characteristics were emphasised on, similar to how Jiyeon's playfulness and stubbornness was emphasised. Criticisms aside, I applaud you for making them seem believable, which many authors do struggle on getting right. For Chanyeol however, even though he isn't a main character, I feel that more could be done in his characterization too. The premise of the story is that Baekhyun and Chanyeol were friends first, but in the last chapter, you don't really display that friendship. Therefore I think by developing the interactions between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, not only would you expand on Chanyeol's character, but if done right, you could also use it as a way to further reinforce Baekhyun's character too.
PLOT: 21 / 30
The plot of the story, admittedly, was not perfectly original. However, though the plot is predictable, the relationship between the two main characters wasn't, and I'd like to applaud you on that. In terms of how believable the story was, I could tell that you had done your research on leukemia and its symptoms, so in that sense it was very well done and absolutely believable. On the other hand, it seems difficult to believe that Baekhyun hadn't tried harder to find the reason behind Jiyeon's sudden disappearance - why ask only her family? I'm not saying that he would've been able to find out, but it would've been more believable if he had done more ( such as ask her friends, maybe? ) where she had gone. Meaningfulness - reading the story, I found it to be a very touching story, however, it's a shame because it does lose some of its meaningfulness due to the often very cliché moments.
FLOW: 18 / 20
The flow of the story was very easy to follow, and quite gentle and slow - befitting of its tone and atmosphere. At times, I did feel that the story was dragging on too slowly - and yet, during some of the character's dialogue, I felt like things were being a bit too rushed. That is, I felt that Chanyeol's explanation in the last chapter was too rushed and unnatural, possibly due his dialogue appearing as one large block of text. All in all however, the story flowed well throughout.
WRITING STYLE: 26 / 30
The tone and atmosphere of your story was really well done, and it really suited the plot of your story. The reason I gave you a high score for your writing style is due to many things. Firstly, the imagery you conjured of the stream where Baekhyun and Jiyeon had their dates was amazing. You described settings in detail beautifully, yet without making it too lengthy or typical. You often used figurative language, which really added to the depth of your story, and considering you are not a first-language English speaker, I find it to be very impressive. For your diction, I could tell that you put in effort to not re-use the same words again and again, and that is always a good thing to do. However, I do find that some words are slightly awkwardly placed, though they do make sense within the context they're in. Again, I might be being a little nit-picky with it, but although a change up in diction is good, using fancy and rarely-used words is not necessarily good when it comes to a reader's understanding. Also, as mentioned before, it'd be nice if the language and sentence structures you used in the characters' dialogue were less formal, as some parts made me wonder 'would someone actually speak like this?' Apart from that though, I really like your writing style and especially the detailed imagery you manage to conjure.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 8 / 10
I genuinely enjoyed your story, though I'm not usually the type of person to read these types of romantic tragedies. . . so you should be very proud you managed to make me like your story! There's barely anything I dislike about this story, the only thing that does come to mind is the occasional awkward dialogue pieces - so if you worked on that a bit, it'd be great!
I genuinely enjoyed your story, though I'm not usually the type of person to read these types of romantic tragedies. . . so you should be very proud you managed to make me like your story! There's barely anything I dislike about this story, the only thing that does come to mind is the occasional awkward dialogue pieces - so if you worked on that a bit, it'd be great!
TOTAL: 128 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 85 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
Firstly - I am so sorry for taking so long to review your story. I actually read your story ages ago, but I struggled to write much about it, due to it's near-flawlessness. Your writing style and mechanics are amongst the best I've seen, so even though I picked on those things a lot, please be reassured that it's just me trying to make you even better! I look forward to reading other stories of yours in the future, and who knows? Maybe I'll see on featured one day - I'm sure you'd be able to achieve that.
- soeffingkpop
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P.S. THIS STORY IS UNDER THE 'FEATURED STORY' SECTION.
P.S. THIS STORY IS UNDER THE 'FEATURED STORY' SECTION.
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