Forevermore | serendipity-- ★
The PROM15E box。// closing downFOREVERMORE BY SERENDIPITY--
TITLE: 8 / 10
Personally, I prefer ‘Evermore’ better. Although it means the same thing, however ‘Evermore’ allows some mystery whereas ‘Forevermore’ is a little too revealing.
DESCRIPTION: 8 / 10
I adore the crispness of the description. Loved how you kept it short and sweet. However, I personally feel that the inclusion of the fact that Chanyeol is an immortal is a tad unnecessary. This can be tied in with the ‘Title’ component where I have mentioned that the word ‘Forevermore’ carries the word ‘forever’ and thus has already casted an imprint of something lasting forever.
Hence, stating that Chanyeol is an immortal may be a tad too revealing. Now, we are already clear of two plot points; 1) Chanyeol cannot die, 2) Baekhyun is a mortal.
Love the quote though!
FOREWORD: - / 5 (bonus)
PLOT: 25 / 30
The plot had no unusual elements. It seemed like you played safe with the plot. However, I greatly appreciated the simplicity of the plot as from here you were able to bring forth a few themes.
The first appeared very early on in the story (approximately paragraph 10) where Chanyeol mentions the difference between existing and living. And I feel that you are slowly showing the transition of Chanyeol – from one who merely exists, to one who lives. At one point of the story, I believe that you even mentioned that Chanyeol was stuck in the past and the future (I believe in a letter) and that after he met Baekhyun he starts to live in the present. I guess it’s your own way of explaining this concept about existing and living. I mean if you are stuck in the past, you can’t possibly be living, so you just merely exist.
Second theme was probably the recurring theme for this story, and that was that the first time is the most special. Because it seems like the recurring theme for this story, that is why I felt that the title is slightly irrelevant to the story.
FLOW: 20 / 20
The flow was just nice – it was neither too fast nor was it too slow. It is just like a perfect cup of tea – not too bitter, not too sweet. Usually, authors have problem when it comes to scene changes, however you completely have no problem with that. In fact, your scene changes compliment the story rather than bring an interruption to its flow. Perhaps, it is due to the nature of the story. Either way, it still does not deny the beauty in the flow of this story. The way it was crafted allows time skips and comparison across time. Really really loved the flow.
WRITING STYLE: 30 / 30
Your writing style is totally up my alley. I think I am in love <3
TOTAL: 137 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 91 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
Ahhhh, really, this story is one of the best stories that I have ever read – seriously. You definitely deserved the Featured on AFF and the win.
Your command of English is very strong and so is your imagination of scenes and sceneries. I would definitely recommend this story for writers who want to try writing their stories in present tense.
It is a brilliant story and you should be very proud of it.
Ps: I hope you get featured on The PROM15E Box too :D
- kloh-ay (freelance reviewer helping to complete current requests)
TITLE: 8 / 10
Originality: 2/2 – I have honestly never seen this title before. :D
Relevance: 1/2 – Even though I know that this story is about a guy who lives forever, I am not convinced that this title is actually relevant for your story. Refer to ‘Plot’ for more details.
Appropriateness: 2/2
Appearance: 2/2 – because it’s a single-word title, there’s not much to be worried about in regards of capitalisation, punctuation and much less spelling.
Memorability: 1/2 – mmm… the problem with a single word title is that it is very hard to strike a nice balance. I do not think that your title is terrible, but neither do I think it is the best. Well, one thing we as authors learn is to avoid lengthy titles, but another thing that we are also thought is to not choose boring titles. Reading the title ‘Forevermore’, I really don’t sense this urge to read the story. The suffix, ‘forever’ already hints a lasting effect of something.
I just ran a simple search on Google to define ‘forevermore’ and the first result I saw had the word spelled ‘for evermore’. Well, looking at the space made me think, is there a word called ‘evermore’? So, like every 20th century girl, I ran a Google search for ‘evermore’ and sure enough, I had a result.
Relevance: 1/2 – Even though I know that this story is about a guy who lives forever, I am not convinced that this title is actually relevant for your story. Refer to ‘Plot’ for more details.
Appropriateness: 2/2
Appearance: 2/2 – because it’s a single-word title, there’s not much to be worried about in regards of capitalisation, punctuation and much less spelling.
Memorability: 1/2 – mmm… the problem with a single word title is that it is very hard to strike a nice balance. I do not think that your title is terrible, but neither do I think it is the best. Well, one thing we as authors learn is to avoid lengthy titles, but another thing that we are also thought is to not choose boring titles. Reading the title ‘Forevermore’, I really don’t sense this urge to read the story. The suffix, ‘forever’ already hints a lasting effect of something.
I just ran a simple search on Google to define ‘forevermore’ and the first result I saw had the word spelled ‘for evermore’. Well, looking at the space made me think, is there a word called ‘evermore’? So, like every 20th century girl, I ran a Google search for ‘evermore’ and sure enough, I had a result.
Evermore (adv) – forever; always (chiefly used for rhetorical effect or in ecclesiastical contexts) For evermore (adv) – forever (used for rhetorical effect)
Personally, I prefer ‘Evermore’ better. Although it means the same thing, however ‘Evermore’ allows some mystery whereas ‘Forevermore’ is a little too revealing.
PRESENTATION: 5 / 5
It was a very pleasant way of presenting the story. I am really grateful for it. It made reading so much more enjoyable. There are absolutely no complaints about this segment.
It was a very pleasant way of presenting the story. I am really grateful for it. It made reading so much more enjoyable. There are absolutely no complaints about this segment.
DESCRIPTION: 8 / 10
I adore the crispness of the description. Loved how you kept it short and sweet. However, I personally feel that the inclusion of the fact that Chanyeol is an immortal is a tad unnecessary. This can be tied in with the ‘Title’ component where I have mentioned that the word ‘Forevermore’ carries the word ‘forever’ and thus has already casted an imprint of something lasting forever.
Hence, stating that Chanyeol is an immortal may be a tad too revealing. Now, we are already clear of two plot points; 1) Chanyeol cannot die, 2) Baekhyun is a mortal.
Love the quote though!
FOREWORD: - / 5 (bonus)
Foreword was primarily used to credit those who had helped in the publishing process – both pre and post. .
WRITING MECHANICS: 13 / 15
WRITING MECHANICS: 13 / 15
When it comes to the mechanics of writing, I got to say that you are one of the best that I have read so far. It was really good and the tenses were very consistent. Hmm, however I would say that your first portion “Chanyeol couldn’t have stepped into Baekhyun’s life at a more …” . This part was written entirely in past tense so when you started the next portion with present tense, I got a little taken a back. After reading through, the confusion was cleared. I got to say that you are very adept with present tense writing, and it is something that I really admire.
There were very minimal typos, which just shows how much proofreading you actually do. Kudos to you man, I personally can’t proofread till such accuracy, so mad props to you!
Grammar wise, you are really solid! However, you should take note of contractions and try not to use them outside of dialogues.
Otherwise, your grammar is flawless – like literally flawless.
There were very minimal typos, which just shows how much proofreading you actually do. Kudos to you man, I personally can’t proofread till such accuracy, so mad props to you!
Grammar wise, you are really solid! However, you should take note of contractions and try not to use them outside of dialogues.
Otherwise, your grammar is flawless – like literally flawless.
CHARACTERISATION: 19 / 20
So in this story, we have two characters – Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
What I really liked about Baekhyun is how you introduced him in the second portion but totally did not mention his name. Personally, when I saw you focusing on the boy, I knew that that boy is Baekhyun. It’s an author’s gut, I guess. When you started the next part with ‘The second time Chanyeol meets Baekhyun…’ I immediately grinned. Still, I was impressed at how you managed to ‘conceal’ yet reveal Baekhyun. It was a very good move.
Anyway, I seemed to have digressed a bit. Let’s discuss about the characterisation; starting with Baekhyun.
Personally after I look at my notes, I realize that Baekhyun resemble somebody I know. Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure you know that person too… Remember that there is this girl, who sings to birds… Hahaha! Yes, I’m sure you are thinking of her too! Baekhyun reminds me too much of Cinderella! Laugh and guffaw all you like, but I am convinced that you have – to a certain extent – based Baekhyun on Cinderella. I mean, come on. Singing to birds? I half expected him to whistle and get mice to help him sweep the floors.
Kekeke. Okay, seriously though, I grew fond of Baekhyun. In the starting you sort of paved the way for a typical broken child – orphaned and chatty – and to be honest, I half expected you to tread down that path. So when you made Baekhyun a truthfully normal child, I was so happy words can’t even describe how happy I was.
The little facets of Baekhyun do not contradict each other and instead, complimented rather well. Like how he was a budding (I love how you used blossoming by the way) architect and was also a dreamer. Even the tiny traits, like him loving nature seem to tie in seamlessly with his occupation. All these tiny details really helped bring out the inner charm of Baekhyun making him likeable despite his character being nothing unusual.
Chanyeol, I had not much scribbled down – I think I focused too much on Baekhyun (oops). Hmmm, for Chanyeol, I liked how you slowly developed his feelings for Baekhyun. It started with a spark, and slowly reached the point where it was love. I especially loved that part where Chanyeol tries to find the point in time where he fell in love with Baekhyun. I felt that that was probably the most genuine part in the entire story. When you fall in love, you can’t just simply say when you fell in love, all you know is that you love that individual.
That one paragraph was able to bring out the realness of Chanyeol making him believable despite his immortality.
Speaking of Chanyeol being an immortal… why is he immortal?
So in this story, we have two characters – Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
What I really liked about Baekhyun is how you introduced him in the second portion but totally did not mention his name. Personally, when I saw you focusing on the boy, I knew that that boy is Baekhyun. It’s an author’s gut, I guess. When you started the next part with ‘The second time Chanyeol meets Baekhyun…’ I immediately grinned. Still, I was impressed at how you managed to ‘conceal’ yet reveal Baekhyun. It was a very good move.
Anyway, I seemed to have digressed a bit. Let’s discuss about the characterisation; starting with Baekhyun.
Personally after I look at my notes, I realize that Baekhyun resemble somebody I know. Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure you know that person too… Remember that there is this girl, who sings to birds… Hahaha! Yes, I’m sure you are thinking of her too! Baekhyun reminds me too much of Cinderella! Laugh and guffaw all you like, but I am convinced that you have – to a certain extent – based Baekhyun on Cinderella. I mean, come on. Singing to birds? I half expected him to whistle and get mice to help him sweep the floors.
Kekeke. Okay, seriously though, I grew fond of Baekhyun. In the starting you sort of paved the way for a typical broken child – orphaned and chatty – and to be honest, I half expected you to tread down that path. So when you made Baekhyun a truthfully normal child, I was so happy words can’t even describe how happy I was.
The little facets of Baekhyun do not contradict each other and instead, complimented rather well. Like how he was a budding (I love how you used blossoming by the way) architect and was also a dreamer. Even the tiny traits, like him loving nature seem to tie in seamlessly with his occupation. All these tiny details really helped bring out the inner charm of Baekhyun making him likeable despite his character being nothing unusual.
Chanyeol, I had not much scribbled down – I think I focused too much on Baekhyun (oops). Hmmm, for Chanyeol, I liked how you slowly developed his feelings for Baekhyun. It started with a spark, and slowly reached the point where it was love. I especially loved that part where Chanyeol tries to find the point in time where he fell in love with Baekhyun. I felt that that was probably the most genuine part in the entire story. When you fall in love, you can’t just simply say when you fell in love, all you know is that you love that individual.
That one paragraph was able to bring out the realness of Chanyeol making him believable despite his immortality.
Speaking of Chanyeol being an immortal… why is he immortal?
PLOT: 25 / 30
The plot had no unusual elements. It seemed like you played safe with the plot. However, I greatly appreciated the simplicity of the plot as from here you were able to bring forth a few themes.
The first appeared very early on in the story (approximately paragraph 10) where Chanyeol mentions the difference between existing and living. And I feel that you are slowly showing the transition of Chanyeol – from one who merely exists, to one who lives. At one point of the story, I believe that you even mentioned that Chanyeol was stuck in the past and the future (I believe in a letter) and that after he met Baekhyun he starts to live in the present. I guess it’s your own way of explaining this concept about existing and living. I mean if you are stuck in the past, you can’t possibly be living, so you just merely exist.
Second theme was probably the recurring theme for this story, and that was that the first time is the most special. Because it seems like the recurring theme for this story, that is why I felt that the title is slightly irrelevant to the story.
FLOW: 20 / 20
The flow was just nice – it was neither too fast nor was it too slow. It is just like a perfect cup of tea – not too bitter, not too sweet. Usually, authors have problem when it comes to scene changes, however you completely have no problem with that. In fact, your scene changes compliment the story rather than bring an interruption to its flow. Perhaps, it is due to the nature of the story. Either way, it still does not deny the beauty in the flow of this story. The way it was crafted allows time skips and comparison across time. Really really loved the flow.
WRITING STYLE: 30 / 30
Your writing style is totally up my alley. I think I am in love <3
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 9 / 10
This is the first time in a long time that I have truly enjoyed an EXO fanfiction.
It was really well written and it was such a pleasant experience to have.
However, at some parts the descriptive just got too draggy for me.
This is the first time in a long time that I have truly enjoyed an EXO fanfiction.
It was really well written and it was such a pleasant experience to have.
However, at some parts the descriptive just got too draggy for me.
TOTAL: 137 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 91 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
Ahhhh, really, this story is one of the best stories that I have ever read – seriously. You definitely deserved the Featured on AFF and the win.
Your command of English is very strong and so is your imagination of scenes and sceneries. I would definitely recommend this story for writers who want to try writing their stories in present tense.
It is a brilliant story and you should be very proud of it.
Ps: I hope you get featured on The PROM15E Box too :D
- kloh-ay (freelance reviewer helping to complete current requests)
SHOP'S NOTE:
WE ARE SORRY FOR THE WAIT!
KLOH-AY IS NOT OUR STAFF BUT A FREELANCE HELPING OUT. CLICK HER USERNAME TO GO TO HER PROFILE.
SHOP'S RULES:
WE ARE SORRY FOR THE WAIT!
KLOH-AY IS NOT OUR STAFF BUT A FREELANCE HELPING OUT. CLICK HER USERNAME TO GO TO HER PROFILE.
SHOP'S RULES:
FIVE } CREDIT YOUR REVIEWER AND PROVIDE LINK BACK TO THE SHOP UNDER YOUR DESCRIPTION OR FOREWORD.
EIGHT } WE HOPE THAT YOU CAN COMMENT ON YOUR OPINION ABOUT YOUR REVIEW. THE REVIEWER DID THEIR BEST FOR EVERY REVIEW AND DO NOT WISH TO JUST GET 'THANKS FOR THE REVIEW' AS A FEEDBACK. THEY HOPE TO GET FEEDBACKS FOR IMPROVEMENT TOO.
UPVOTE IS APPRECIATED.
P.S. THIS STORY IS UNDER THE 'FEATURED STORY' SECTION.
P.S. THIS STORY IS UNDER THE 'FEATURED STORY' SECTION.
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