Peculiar Twins || Prom15e13elieve10ve
The PROM15E box。// closing downPECULIAR TWINS BY PROM15E13ELIEVE10VE
TITLE: 8 / 10
I like your title, as in my opinion it isn't something I would deem unoriginal or typical, and it is quite memorable because of that. I assumed your story was venturing into the mystery and horror from the title, and I could see that it was certainly the case as I was reading the story, so I consider it to be appropriate too. However, since the story isn't complete yet, I think you should try develop the plot in a way that creates a stronger link to the title, as in the first chapter I couldn’t really see in what way the twins were really ‘peculiar’, apart from doing things in unison.
DESCRIPTION: 6 / 10
I found the description to be pretty straightforward, and the link between the title and the plot of the story was shown. However, there wasn’t a lot of information revealed, and although it might be good to not reveal too much, it needs just a little bit more substance to be able to really attract readers. I suggest including some more information on the twins, for example their characteristics, and what makes them so mysterious.
FOREWORD: 0 / 5
FLOW: 18 / 20
I think in terms of the flow, you did very well. It didn't feel too rushed, or too draggy either. The narration also made sense chronologically, and that makes it easier to follow as a reader as well. I think the only thing that stops it from flowing perfectly is the confusing use of tenses, so once that is fixed, the story's flow should read very smoothly.
WRITING STYLE: 26 / 30
Although I appreciated the simplicity and relaxed tone of your writing, what is lacking is detail. Though you were descriptive when describing things like the setting, or individual people, it was more to do with appearance, and I felt that the story needed more details related to the plot. Especially since it is in the mystery genre, there should be little details that act like clues, or something of that sort.
TITLE: 8 / 10
I like your title, as in my opinion it isn't something I would deem unoriginal or typical, and it is quite memorable because of that. I assumed your story was venturing into the mystery and horror from the title, and I could see that it was certainly the case as I was reading the story, so I consider it to be appropriate too. However, since the story isn't complete yet, I think you should try develop the plot in a way that creates a stronger link to the title, as in the first chapter I couldn’t really see in what way the twins were really ‘peculiar’, apart from doing things in unison.
I could only really see the relevance of the title after getting through half the story, but I see how it links to the story. However, it was a little confusing for me as I had assumed that the main character was one of the twins, due to his interaction with his sister early on in the story, and I think to prevent this, you could maybe mention earlier how she is younger. However it's not a huge problem, as it soon becomes evident that the 'peculiar twins' are actually other characters.
PRESENTATION: 3 / 5
Your presentation was kept to minimal, and it was simplistic; the font and font size is good, and it was all in black as well so it was very easy to read. Although your text was not at all overbearing or too jammed packed, I felt confused at times due to the numerous line breaks between paragraphs; I felt that the plot was slightly disconnected due to this. I suggest that you try to have slightly longer paragraphs or less spaces in between so that the story is easier to follow.
PRESENTATION: 3 / 5
Your presentation was kept to minimal, and it was simplistic; the font and font size is good, and it was all in black as well so it was very easy to read. Although your text was not at all overbearing or too jammed packed, I felt confused at times due to the numerous line breaks between paragraphs; I felt that the plot was slightly disconnected due to this. I suggest that you try to have slightly longer paragraphs or less spaces in between so that the story is easier to follow.
DESCRIPTION: 6 / 10
I found the description to be pretty straightforward, and the link between the title and the plot of the story was shown. However, there wasn’t a lot of information revealed, and although it might be good to not reveal too much, it needs just a little bit more substance to be able to really attract readers. I suggest including some more information on the twins, for example their characteristics, and what makes them so mysterious.
FOREWORD: 0 / 5
No mark is awarded as the foreword is not something that contributes to the story.
WRITING MECHANICS: 8 / 15
WRITING MECHANICS: 8 / 15
There were quite a few grammar mistakes and spelling errors, but they're only minimal. Look out for them in the future!
(From the description)
Original: Everybody at Kang Su Academy knows them but never truly.
Correction: Everybody at Kang Su Academy knows them, but not truly.
Original: I took a quick bath and dressed up for school.
Correction: I took a quick bath and got dressed for school.
‘Dressed up’ in that context is grammatically incorrect.
Original: Her black her was perfectly brushed
Correction: Her black hair was perfectly brushed.
Original: The only difference was the school logo embroidered on the left pocket; my old school didn't have any.
Correction: The only difference was the school logo embroidered on the left pocket; my old school didn't have one.
It was written that there ‘was the school logo’; this relates that there is only one school logo. However ‘didn’t have any’ is used in comparison to having many, not just one.
Original: I went downstairs and saw an old lady by the door, looking at the window.
Correction: I went downstairs and saw an old lady by the door, looking out the window.
A window is transparent, so we generally say that someone looks out the window, rather than at it, as it doesn’t really make sense.
Original: The town, just like the waffles, was great!
Correction: The town, just like the waffle in my mouth, was great!
Here, using ‘was’ is incorrect. If we separate the sentence in two, we would get:
“The town was great.” and “The waffles were great.” As ‘waffles’ is a plural, it uses the verb ‘were’, rather than ‘was’, which is used for the singular ‘town’. Therefore, these two sentences can’t be combined until both nouns are plural, or both nouns are singular. In my correction, I chose to turn the ‘waffles’ into a singular ‘waffle’.
Original: "Just sit somewhere there and wait for the teacher. It's going to bell soon."
Correction: "Just sit somewhere there and wait for the teacher. The bell is going to ring soon."
This might be a form of slang, but 'it's going to bell soon' isn't correct English, as 'bell' is a noun, rather than a verb.
Original: "Yes! I guess they don't have a rule that siblings can't be put on the same class."
Correction: "Yes! I guess they don't have a rule that siblings can't be put in the same class."
Original: I ignored talk and focused on the book.
Correction: I ignored their talking and focused on the book.
I don't know really how to explain this one, but simply put, it is incorrect English.
Original: "Very well then, you too shall be the temporary president and vice and help me out for the time being."
Correction: "Very well then, you two shall be the temporary president and vice and help me out for the time being."
Original: "We're from Seoul but moved her a few days ago."
Correction: "We're from Seoul but moved here a few days ago."
Original: Booths were everywhere and everyone were having fun.
Correction: Booths were everywhere and everyone was having fun.
Original: "So we meet the popular kids"
Correction: "So we met the popular kids"
He was talking of a past event that had occured, therefore the past tense should be used.
Original: Once, they're even bullied Minchan and I almost got a C on my conduct grade because of that.
Correction: Once, they even bullied Minchan and I had almost gotten a C on my conduct grade because of that.
Original: One hand was gripping on a pencil and someone else's hand and the other was shaking.
Correction: One hand was gripping a pencil in someone else's hand and the other was shaking.
The thing that stood out most was your use of tenses and it is something that everyone struggles with, so make sure to be wary of it in the future, especially as most of the corrections are from the misuse of tenses. You were mostly writing in past tense, so I wrote the corrections based on that observation.
Original: Today is the first day of school and I do not want to be late.
Correction: It was the first day of school, and I didn't want to be late.
Original: The uniform of Kang Su Academy is similar to the one of my previous school: black pants, white long sleeves, black tie, dark brown blazer and a metal name plate.
Correction: The uniform of Kang Su Academy was similar to the one of my previous school: black pants, white long-sleeved shirts, black tie, dark brown blazer and a metal name plate.
Original: I would have complained if we were back in the city but the town was so nice that it seemed walked to school is such a fun thing to do, alone or not.
Correction: I would have complained if we were back in the city, but the town was so nice that walking to school seemed to be such a fun thing to do.
Original: Unlike here, the air is clean, it's peaceful and the three days that I have been here certainly wasn't stressful. I just hope that school wouldn't break my tranquility.
Correction: However in that town, the air was clean, it was peaceful and the first three days I had been there certainly weren’t stressful. I just hoped that school wouldn’t break my tranquillity.
Original: The town is picturesque and so is the school. From what I've heard, the school has been around for five decades already but it looks new. You'd think that it was built just a few years ago.
Correction: The town was picturesque and so was the school. From what I had heard, the school had been already around for five decades but it looked new. You would have thought that it was built just a few years ago.
Original: This is the start of a new life, a new beginning so I better do this with enthusiasm.
Correction: This was the start of a new life, a new beginning. I better do this with enthusiasm, I thought.
For this, I felt that ‘so I better do this with enthusiasm’ would have been a thought that went through the character’s mind at the time, so rather than changing the tenses, I just made it obvious that it was a thought that had occurred.
Original: "Excuse me, do you know where this is?" I asked a group of students who seem to be around my age. They were busy talking about something but they seem friendly. . .
Correction: "Excuse me, do you know where this is?" I asked a group of students who seemed to be around my age. They were busy talking about something but they seemed friendly. . .
Original: It was already quarter to seven and I am about to be late because I couldn't find my way to the classroom.
Correction: It was already quarter to seven and I was about to be late because I couldn't find my way to the classroom.
Original: I was too preoccupied with looking for the classroom that I didn't notice the girl beside me.
Correction: I was too preoccupied with looking for the classroom that I hadn’t noticed the girl who was beside me.
Original: She was of average height, almost as tall as I am
Correction: She was of average height, almost as tall as I was
Original: They look like twins.
Correction: They looked like twins.
Original: It's as if they radiated power.
Correction: It was as if they radiated power.
It's is a contraction for 'it is', and therefore using it is incorrect due to the writing being in past tense.
Original: They seem to already know what to do.
Correction: They seemed to already know what to do.
Original: I slowly turned my head to Minchan who was almost frozen in fear; she hates what will happen next.
Correction: I slowly turned my head to Minchan who was almost frozen in fear; I knew she would hate what was about to happen next.
Similar to one of the previous examples, it was implied that 'she hate what will happen next' was a thought her brother would have had at the time, and the correction reflects that.
Original: We ate our sandwiches, which our grandmother made, in silence.
Correction: We ate our sandwiches, which our grandmother had made, in silence.
Original: We have good fifteen minutes of silence until Minchan broke it.
Correction: We had a good fifteen minutes of silence until Minchan broke it.
CHARACTERISATION: 15 / 20
Despite it being written from Sungmin's point of view, I felt that his character wasn't developed enough in comparison to Minchan. From Sungmin's thoughts and memories, Minchan is shown to be quite playful and bright, yet also quite shy. In terms of uniqueness, her character was not that different to the typical female character, however it is believable. However, I'm still confused with Sungmin's character. For example, he mentions nearly getting a C for his grade conduct due to his sister being bullied. I think that this thought could've been elaborated; Why did his sister being bullied affect his conduct grade? What things did he do? Was he protective, or a bit too over-protective?
Despite it being written from Sungmin's point of view, I felt that his character wasn't developed enough in comparison to Minchan. From Sungmin's thoughts and memories, Minchan is shown to be quite playful and bright, yet also quite shy. In terms of uniqueness, her character was not that different to the typical female character, however it is believable. However, I'm still confused with Sungmin's character. For example, he mentions nearly getting a C for his grade conduct due to his sister being bullied. I think that this thought could've been elaborated; Why did his sister being bullied affect his conduct grade? What things did he do? Was he protective, or a bit too over-protective?
Moreover, the story is titled 'Peculiar Twins', however I felt that there was enough development there either. So far, all that has been revealed about them that is that they have a reputation amongst not only the students, but the teachers too, and that they're smart, mysterious, and always do things in unison.
PLOT: 16 / 30
Considering there is only one chapter, and therefore the plot barely started, I couldn’t really give you a lot of points for the plot. In terms of originality, it is in the middle. While the plot that includes the ‘mysterious character(s)’ and the ‘new kid’ that comes along and uncovers their secrets is quite common and has been used plenty of times, your plot is also unique in the way that it is regarding two people, twins, rather than just one. As of now. it is a plot that is easy to understand and follow, and that is always helpful for readers. However, there isn't really any 'meaning' to the events that have occured so far. Therefore, hopefully you can draw links to the events that have occured in future chapters.
PLOT: 16 / 30
Considering there is only one chapter, and therefore the plot barely started, I couldn’t really give you a lot of points for the plot. In terms of originality, it is in the middle. While the plot that includes the ‘mysterious character(s)’ and the ‘new kid’ that comes along and uncovers their secrets is quite common and has been used plenty of times, your plot is also unique in the way that it is regarding two people, twins, rather than just one. As of now. it is a plot that is easy to understand and follow, and that is always helpful for readers. However, there isn't really any 'meaning' to the events that have occured so far. Therefore, hopefully you can draw links to the events that have occured in future chapters.
FLOW: 18 / 20
I think in terms of the flow, you did very well. It didn't feel too rushed, or too draggy either. The narration also made sense chronologically, and that makes it easier to follow as a reader as well. I think the only thing that stops it from flowing perfectly is the confusing use of tenses, so once that is fixed, the story's flow should read very smoothly.
WRITING STYLE: 26 / 30
Although I appreciated the simplicity and relaxed tone of your writing, what is lacking is detail. Though you were descriptive when describing things like the setting, or individual people, it was more to do with appearance, and I felt that the story needed more details related to the plot. Especially since it is in the mystery genre, there should be little details that act like clues, or something of that sort.
On the other hand, the imagery was excellent, and I could imagine the environment of the school, the town and the city easily. Your diction was also brilliant, and I liked how you used both 'fancy words' and more simplistic words; this would mean that a wider range of readers can read your story easily.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 8 / 10
I enjoyed the story, and I felt intrigued by the plot. However it is only one chapter at the moment, so I felt a bit regretful that it stopped there. However I liked how you were attempting the 'mystery' genre, and I'd like to see how the plot develops, as well as the characters, in the future. Also, I felt like Sungmin's memories were too short and vague; I would've liked to know more, so that it is easier to understand both his and Minchan's character. So although I liked where the story was going, I was slightly disappointed that there was only one chapter, and therefore not much. I hope you write more chapters in the future!
TOTAL: 108 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 72 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
So, this was my first official review, and I truly apologise if I was quite harsh on you, but trust me, I'm just trying to help you out as much as I can! Therefore I do hope you find this review helpful, and that it'll improve your writing in the future. Thank you for requesting and waiting, do contact me if you have any questions or if there is anything you don't understand, or need me to explain!
OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 8 / 10
I enjoyed the story, and I felt intrigued by the plot. However it is only one chapter at the moment, so I felt a bit regretful that it stopped there. However I liked how you were attempting the 'mystery' genre, and I'd like to see how the plot develops, as well as the characters, in the future. Also, I felt like Sungmin's memories were too short and vague; I would've liked to know more, so that it is easier to understand both his and Minchan's character. So although I liked where the story was going, I was slightly disappointed that there was only one chapter, and therefore not much. I hope you write more chapters in the future!
TOTAL: 108 / 150
PERCENTAGE: 72 %
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
So, this was my first official review, and I truly apologise if I was quite harsh on you, but trust me, I'm just trying to help you out as much as I can! Therefore I do hope you find this review helpful, and that it'll improve your writing in the future. Thank you for requesting and waiting, do contact me if you have any questions or if there is anything you don't understand, or need me to explain!
-soeffingkpop
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