White Roses, a Sketch, and a Short Line by blissfulrandom-words

Review by ScreamingMidget

Title → (7/10)

I gave you a high 7 because I'm all for those - I so don't know what to call it - three-word-thingamjigs. Anyway, whatever, I mean that I like that the three items you used are different but evoke a similar feel. They all have a nostalgic, sentimental aura about them especially in the order you placed it. One con is that it is definitely on the long side. Although I admit I like the phrase, it is not as practical to be used as a title as it would a bold statement/sentence in the story. I do have some suggestions but I know I wouldn't change the name of my story even if the world was ending - I don't know what that would have to do with my story though - so I definitely don't expect that from you. The next time you write a story, remember the biggest rule in the world, according to a midget, which is: titles should be MEMORABLE. This means several things...the title can't be too long, it can't drag things out, it has to evoke an image (which I believe your title definitely does). 

First Impressions → (10/15 pts)

I think what we’re missing here is that the first page looks too barren. There is no poster, background or foreword and the description too short to compensate. But when I actually read the description, I was like, wow, because you’re a really good writer. If you’re capable of writing like that then use it to your advantage! Write a foreword! Between you and me, I think there are people who aren't so hot at writing and they color code words, format every sentence differently, have pretty posters and backgrounds and on and on and on. I realized this one day when I was working on this shop's layout instead of working on your review. Sorry...for taking so long, by the way, huhuhu.

Anyway, I also get that it’s a oneshot and not many people that write oneshots like to request for a poster or background. I didn’t take off any points for that - because I totes begotes feel you, brother - but I highly recommend getting one or the other (poster, background, or both) so it can make the story look all nice and fancy. Here are two good shops to start you off. Look through the list of affiliates until you find a shop you think will suit your story best: + Veracity and Inception.

So, back to the description and foreword!

I think that what we could do is move what you have for the description over to the foreword. Since that piece is describing a part of the story, that would fit better in the foreword area, before the actual story starts. But, it’s still too short. I think you could expand that writing and include some sensory details. I like that you’re getting there. I mean, you’re telling us that the nurse isn’t older than forty. And that’s great stuff. It helps us classify her, sure, but it’s not as easy to picture her in our head. Maybe instead of telling us that she’s less than forty years old, maybe you could describe how she had wrinkles on her face but her age willed her to cover them with makeup or how there were strands of gray in her hair. Show us, don’t tell us, her age. But I commend you on giving more information than is called for. Giving those insights prove that this passage isn’t some kind of list.

You can get away with idioms pretty easily on AFF considering that, for a lot of us, English might be our second language (it is for me huhuhu) but keep in mind that if a sentence "sounds wrong" when you read it out loud, that you should fix it immediately. And that's a good tip, you know. Most of us (once again, this includes me up until recently) never, ever "edit" our story! When we write, we pause, we think, we itch our noses, and we end up diverting ourselves and not knowing what our sentence sounded like to our readers. This isn't aimed at you specifically because your story was a total beauty, but for the future, I think it's a good idea to read it out loud while editing.

I really also like the fact that you put that piece in present tense. This works because it’s not a page-long work and that tense really suits forewords. I also love that you place questions correctly within the paragraph and allow the readers to be drawn in. Awesome! I can’t praise you enough!

Language → (12/15 pts)

I think that overall you did incredible in this category!

We can still fix up some small mistakes. Let’s look at the beginning of the story.

‘...and in the middle is a bed where a body of a young woman lies seemingly lifeless but still breathing...’

This is a really cluttered sentence. I'll never forget what my 9th grade Engish teacher told me: NEVER, ever, EVER use two words instead of one. And another tip she gave me was: USE PUNCTUATION or I will FAIL you. So stuff like this isn't really about grammar but the feel of the words. If you're writing professionally, you'll have to focus more on your FEELINGS and the kind of...the sense of the words rather than grammar. I would play around with this sentence a little bit. "And in the middle of the room was a bed so close to the floor that it couldn't possibly have hid a demon under it. There was a woman atop; to any passerby, she would have appeared a corpse but in the intervals of beeps from the IV pump, her chest slowly rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and...

You know what I'm saying here? You have to assume your reader knows nothing because, to be honest, you reader knows nothing. They don't know what's going on in your head so you have to lay it out all out to them. You don't have to write like a moron, like I do exactly like that since you have your own style, but I hope you get the sense of what I'm trying to say.

Your second paragraph starts off with an extremely long sentence. Now, there’s nothing wrong with long sentences - given that they have proper punctuation to keep them from being run-on sentences - but they are most susceptible to grammar mistakes and errors.

‘No one is present in the room, therefore no other sound is heard other than the soft drops of the fluid on her IV attached on her right hand with a needle and the machine that acts as a life support.’

Whoa. Now, I don’t want to discourage you from long sentences! I write short sentences and have trouble really getting them to merge when I edit. We’ll get to that point later. The thing here is that long sentences are harder to manage and it’s not easy to spot the mistakes when you’re writing/editing!

Try something like:

No one else is present in the room. But against the thick silence, the drops of fluid from the IV is like a knife - plop! plop! plop! - cutting into the air, reminding an invisible audience that she is incapable of living by herself.

I slacked on the last part, but you get the idea. Again, you don't have to write stuff like that but I'm trying to show that a statement can actually be improved if you cut it up a bit. Just like titles, memorable sentences are short. The first sentence in that piece kind of leads the way for everything else but the piece revolves around that memorable statement that 

Flow and Consistency → (15/15 pts)

Amazing job here too! I like how you utilized the different tenses to show the shift in time. It’s absolutely flawless!
Storyline → (15/15 pts)

I thought it was amazing! You're definitely a pro in these two categories!

Characters → (12/15 pts)

One thing that will definitely improve your characters is introducing little quirks and idiosyncracies that really bring them to life. I can see the love between the two main characters and its representation definitely brings that love into something of a character as well. Which is definitely great but it would be even better if the characters had more human-like qualities...this ties in with what I said before. Instead of telling us that the parents looked healthy for their age, show us a little more of why, etc. I can't even take off many points for that - you write that well!

Entertainment → (9/10 pts) 

Total: 80/100 

Oh huhuhu, amazing job!!!! 

Reviewed by ScreamingMidget

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