I hate it when this happens. 

I gave him a look and raised my hand to stop myself from losing it and to call a halt to whatever it was you were planning to say further. Jiyong can really rile me and ruin a tranquil moment without even knowing it.

“Listen to me, let me explain why I said what I said,” I said, keeping my temper in check as I let the sudden flaring of my temper cool down. 

“It’s true that we started out as friends and we progressed from being friends to something else so suddenly that we did not even bother to properly name what it was we were having. It was a relationship that we slipped into because we got comfortable with each other not because we decided we wanted it,” I said feeling fuzzy and breathless. 

You sat there, eyes boring on me. I paused letting you take everything in. Was I talking in alien-speak?

“I know I wanted it,” you said haughtily and dared to challenge me with your next words, “Are you telling me you didn’t know if you wanted it?”

I looked at you straight in the eye, “Although I knew we were rushing it, I knew I wanted it. But apparently you didn’t. Because you know what, if you did no matter how many girls were paraded before you they wouldn’t make you budge or cause you to entertain an iota of doubt if you were good enough for me or if I was good enough for you. And that’s actually the painful truth of it.”

I said those words before I chickened out, before the love that I still have for you softened me or make me turn a blind eye on and coddle the despicable thing you did. It was difficult to fight against a heart struggling to just forget everything and run to the warmth of your embrace but it was a relief to finally say it without breaking my resolve. 

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see your face stricken with the realization of what I had just said. It hurt like hell, right, to be faced with the truth of why and what you did? If you really wanted to fix this, whatever it was we had, you need to face the truth of why you cheated on me. The sad fact of the matter really was that I never questioned if you loved me, however I knew of how you wavered on your own convictions that you could be good for me. And because you thought you were not good enough for me you found ways to justify cheating on me. A man who had no inkling of his own worth in the eyes of the one he professed to behold would forever be looking for the soothing but temporary whispers of comfort in the arms of another. What did they say about commitment? Ah, that it’s about knowing you have options but still choosing the one you have because you know she is who you needed and wanted. 

I opened my eyes to see you sitting there, hands clasped, head bowed low. Was I too harsh? Was I too mean? 

“What does this all mean then, Chaerin?” your voice was too soft even to my own ears. 

“This means that I am willing to take you on your offer.” It took me a moment to say what I said and it surprised me too. Did I really just say that? I think I just did. 

“You said start all over, didn’t you?” I asked and waited for a response from you. You nodded your head slightly and whispered, “Yes.”

“Then we start over. We are not picking up from where we left off. We will start over, as an acquaintance, colleague, co-worker, be friends again.”

You protested by turning your head to the side and curling your lips. “That’s not fair, Chaerin. We’re not fixing anything by doing that. I lo…”

“Don’t!” I shushed you.“I hope you are not going to say what I thought you were about to say because that is the very last thing I needed to hear right now.”I said in a rush, feeling my insides tremble from the swift bout of anger. In my mind I silently implored you not to even dare say it and cheapen the meaning of the phrase just so you could get what you wanted. I am not going to lie to myself, I know deep within me I still love you but I owe myself some respect too. I just couldn’t let what you did slide and treat it as nothing. I heaved a sigh and told you exactly what was in my mind. 

“I felt you betrayed me twice, Jiyong, as your friend and as your girlfriend,” I paused as the gravity of my words revealed what I was feeling all this time.“I want to be able to look at you and not remember your betrayal,” I saw you flinched and at the same time bravely endured the heavy lashes my words were bringing you. “I want to look at you and respect you and I want you to look at me and do things for me because you want to not because you feel guilty. We will be fixing this by starting new and starting right; let’s start getting to know each other, as friends. Yes, let’s start there, let’s build that one right. Let’s not rush.”

You cleared your throat but you didn’t say anything. After what seemed like a long while, you spoke, “So it’s like it will be the first time I am meeting you?”

“Yes, something like that. No pressure. Just get to know each other again,”

“Until when?”

“Until we can trust each other again. Until I am ready; until you’re ready to be a man,” I solemnly replied.

“And if along the way…” you started but dared not continue. I could feel the worry that made you falter. 

“And if along the way we find other people who are better suited for us then we love them as they deserved to be loved, be faithful to them, and the two us can stay friends,”I finished it for you. 

You looked pained as if I slapped you and your eyes reddened trying to hold back tears from falling. “Why do I feel this is a lot worse than goodbye?” you said your voice about to break. You cleared your throat once more and remained quiet. I shook my head and half scoffed at what you just said. It was very typical of you to only find easy ways out when it comes to relationship, which grudgingly reminded me of the other girl in this pretty little dance you got yourself into. 

Emboldened by your vulnerable state I casually asked,“Ah, I want to know something. You came here asking to start over but you never said anything about her, what’s her name again?”

You averted your gaze and mumbled, “I ended it with her.”

I didn’t know if I was supposed to be shocked by it or devastated at how you easily disposed that relationship as if it didn’t matter to you or didn’t cost you our relationship. 

“Don’t look at me that way, Chae. I knew what it cost me but I also knew it will cost me more if I continue on with it. Chung-Ae and I both knew we weren’t really…”you trailed off and slouched on the seat. I waited. I kind of guessed you still got something to say so I remained silent. “It was just exciting at first but she wasn’t you. She was not for me and I was not for her. It was a very terrible way to learn it.” You exhaled deeply running a hand against your neck, “I really messed things up, didn’t I?”

I wanted to nod vehemently and make you feel a lot worse than you’re feeling right now but decided to just say,“Yes, you messed it up big time. You really need to grow up.” 

“I know. People are hurting because of me; you’re hurting because of me. I’m really sorry, Chaerin,” you said looking down at your feet. Was that supposed to move me? I bit my lip and squinted my eyes, well it did move me a teeny weeny bit but it seemed not enough for me. I once more sighed. The room was getting stuffy and I started feeling suffocated that all I wanted was to go back to my room and rest. 

I was about to say something when you straightened up from where you were slouched and extended your right hand to me. “Well, I know I’ve wronged you, I’m owning up to what I did. And if this is the best way you think I can show you how sorry I am and make things right I will do it, no matter how long it takes.”

I looked at your hand, completely taken aback by the sudden turn-around in your demeanor, from the self-indulgent boy to someone almost like a man. I slowly stretched my hand to clasp your outstretched one. You took it, shook my hand and said, “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, not right now, but maybe in time.” 

I softly looked at you when you said that and I smiled to myself. Forgiving you was not easy but I have already started doing so because I do not want to be caught in a prison of bitterness and hate. 

“We can talk some more some other time, it’s getting really late and you need to rest. Sorry for disturbing your sleep,” you offered a tentative smile. I sensed your hesitation, that flicker of a moment when you wanted to hold onto my hand a little longer and come in closer. I held my breath readying to step back and pull away but then you looked up and with understanding in your eyes gently and gingerly let my hand go. You bowed to say goodbye and went straight to the door while I stayed behind. As your hand twisted the door knob open you stopped, turned around, then flashed me a more relaxed smile, somewhat showing full acceptance over the condition of our situation and said,“To new beginnings then, Chaerin.”

I gave you a small nod and then saw you walk out the door with head bowed low. As soon as I heard the front door clicked close I made my way to my room. Looking back at our conversation and my responses I thought they all seemed surreal that I wondered if they happened at all. 

After changing back to my sleep clothes, I made a side trip to the closet that contained all of my bear collections and took out one of the sandy brown huge bears my father gave me when he returned from France. I looked at it and smelled the Jasmine scent from its fur. Ah, this bear would be good company tonight. 

I tiredly dove under the covers of my thick blanket with my bear and comfortably snuggled against it beckoning sleep to come right away. A few minutes passed after much tossing and turning, I exasperatedly kicked the covers off me and turned to my side dragging my bear with me still visibly awake. Sleep eluded me. I stayed that way for a long while: bear in my arms, eyes wide open, staring at a distance, thinking about nothing, feeling unexpectedly lonely. My hand was absently caressing the furry ear of my bear when it grazed a furry portion that suddenly felt wet. I touched the patch of wet brown fur again wondering what caused it to be sodden when my hand accidently brushed my cheek and felt it drenched in tears. I quickly pulled myself up and a fat drop of tear fell on my hand, followed by another, and then another. I touched my cheeks and felt my tears uncontrollably streaming down my face as the dam in my heart opened and let loose everything that I was bottling up inside. Until today, I never shed a single tear over the events of the past weeks that it made me think perhaps my heart was so calloused now that I am no longer capable of common human reactions. However, tonight after I found my closure I was finally feeling something painfully real and my tears were telltale signs I am human after all. I cried some more and didn’t even bother to muffle my cries or soften my sobbing or mind that someone could hear me. I hugged tighter my bear and let my tears freely fall to wash away all the things I wanted to forget, letting everything else fade away. As sleep slowly overtook me one hopeful thought came to mind: with the closing of this night tomorrow would be an unfolding of a new beginning for me, tomorrow would be a new day. 

~*~

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