3/4
In Your Room
Yes, that’s what I wanted to say. It sounded lame, so lame but it’s really what I wanted to say. You gave me a searching look, your head tilted a little to the left the way you would do when you’re trying to assess something. I knew you were measuring and weighing the worth of what I said. I was all knotty and twisted inside hoping for a sliver of hope that you will hear me out. I was asking for too much, after all everything I said and done was wrong. I would completely understand if you would rather throw me out but I am begging you to just send me somewhere, anywhere but not where I cannot see you or talk to you.
“Wait outside by the living room,” you said like a teacher talking to a student who's about to get detention.
My breath was being dragged out of me while my brain registered the respite you’ve given me. I bowed to you on my way out of your room. It was the most I can do, bowing to the queen who has captured me with her open hand.
I slowly closed the door and leaned on it before going to the living room. There is a certain fear in me right now a fear that I may not be able to regain something precious that I have lost. I pushed myself away from the door and resolved to fight against that crippling fear creeping in on me. I felt like I was fighting for my life and I needed all the courage I could muster if I wanted to even survive this night.
“It could be the end or the beginning, an unfolding of something altogether new,” I remembered Daesung telling me when I dropped by his place after the second night of the concert.
Daesung’s the safest person to go to since all my other members knew what I have done and would definitely not let me near Chaerin. Yes, they’re part of my group but their loyalty is somewhat going for Chaerin. TOP-hyung already scolded me and told me to grow up. I think he’s right. I used to think I have done a lot of growing up in the last year but it seemed not to be the case at all. I may have grown in one area but on this side of me, I remained a boy. Meanwhile I could not even get back at Seungri for ratting me out because… well because his defense was valid, I wronged Chaerin.
“Hyung, I do not know what you’ve done but I know who Chaerin is. She is not just anyone. She’s one of the nicest and best dongseang I have ever come to know. If you’ve hurt her, the least you can do is admit it and say sorry, bear the consequence whatever that may be. She’s probably bearing the consequence of what happened between you two a lot harder than you think,” Dae told me. And I saw it in your sleep tonight. A peaceful slumber evaded you because even in your dreams I seem to be haunting you.
I sat on the sofa, fiddling with the corner of the table, unable to focus or be still. Are you even coming out? Even if you do not, I will wait here until you do. What happened between us was more than just a question of whether I loved you or not. This was a question of me betraying the trust you have wholly given to me and the confidence you had on my commitment. For you loving me was easy to do but trusting me was something else. I promised to not break your trust but I reneged on that promise when I did what I did.[/green]
How do I get it back? How do I get you back in my life? “Trust is such a fragile thing and when it’s damaged it’s so hard to put the pieces back together,” Top-hyung once told me, “but to me it’s all a question of WORTH. Is she worth going through hell just to regain her trust? How much is she worth to you?”
Everything. Now I could say she’s worth everything. I heard a door click and I saw you -- hair tied back in a bun, dressed in a pair of black shorts and large black shirt -- walk towards me in the living room. I quickly stood, knees slightly shaking, my heart racing glad that you came out but unsure of what you were feeling. It would have been better if you were lashing out on me or something but you remained as composed as ever. You coolly came over one of the chair opposite mine and invited me to sit. I sat and just stared at you. I wasn’t sure how to begin.
“It’s getting late, so if you have something to say, please say it now,” you politely told me.
“I’m sorry,” I began.
“You already said that,” you said looking directly at me.
“Yes, let me finish,” I said, frustration creeping in to my voice. I silently berated myself for losing patience and quelled my frustration because I had no right to be frustrated. I was the one intruding in your sleep and you were under no obligation to meet me whatsoever but you did. You placed your hand on your lap in that prim manner of yours and gave me a look that showed nothing of what was going on in that pretty head of yours.
“Sorry about that. Yes, I am saying sorry again. I do not know what else to say. I admit I was wrong. I was very wrong to even think of doing that, more wrong now that I did it and I apologize for what I have done,”
“Why?” you asked. I know what that meant. You were asking me why I did it.
“I do not know either. I thought…” I trailed off. I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t think this through. I thought a sorry will do but yes, you are not like any other girl. What got into me? “I thought I wanted something else but I know better now.”
“What is it exactly that you want, Jiyong-ssi?” you asked as you sat back and got really comfortable on that chair.
“Ssi?” I blurted the word out before I could stop myself. Earlier you called me oppa now it’s a –ssi? “I want to beg your forgiveness.”
“Beg my forgiveness?” you tilted your head to one side, an eyebrow raised as you funnily stared at me. You seem to think I was joking. I exasperatedly ran my hand on my head and exhaled. I just couldn’t back out now.
“I am honestly hoping we can get back to how we used to, but I know it’s not possible so I am just asking for simply a chance to start over,” I replied hoping you can see the sincerity in my reply.
You sat straight again and heaved a sigh. There was a pregnant pause like you were thinking about what you were going to say and how you were going to say them to me. “You know I haven’t had a chance to grieve over what you told me weeks ago. I haven’t had the chance to sort out my reaction and how I should be really feeling towards you. I haven’t even had the chance to throw away the things you gave me or wallow in some sad love song. I haven’t done those yet and here you are apologizing and asking for a chance.”
Hearing you say it in a manner so calm, made me sound downright selfish and foolish. Am I being childishly selfish about this? I was silenced by the reality of what you said but who could blame me?
You continued, “I am not saying I’m blameless. Maybe I did something you didn’t like that made you look at other women, but see even that I haven’t figured out yet.”
I looked down at my feet. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs you didn’t do anything wrong, all that happened was my fault. I was being an immature boy who didn’t know better, who thought I wanted one thing when everything I needed and wanted was already with me. Oh, Baby, can you not blame yourself?
I bit my lips so hard I was half expecting to taste blood. I raised my eyes and looked at you. You were staring at me with an incomprehensible sadness in your eyes.
“This was all…”
“Don’t say it was a mistake, Chae, please don’t,” I pleadingly said it interrupting whatever it was you wanted to say. I am more than willing to take the blame for this but just please don’t tell me it was a mistake. Nothing was a mistake. All the months we were together prior to the last 10 weeks were real, Chae, please don’t tell me it was a mistake.
“I wasn’t going to say it was. I was going to say that it was all started the wrong way though,” you sadly said.
I wanted to protest that there was nothing wrong with the way we started. We started out as friends, the way it should be, what could be so wrong about that?
My mind swirled in panic and honestly I was this close to breaking down and crying. I couldn’t let her think everything was a mistake or that it was started out wrong. It was one thing for me to commit such stupid decision of fawning over a girl I hardly knew over her and another for her to think there was SOMETHING WRONG from the START. That would nullify everything. No, I couldn’t and wouldn’t agree to this. How could I fight for that one slim chance if she would be dismissing everything altogether?
I opened my mouth to speak. Nothing coherent came out. I croaked, I groaned, I desperately sounded desperate.
“What?” I heard you ask me.
I sputtered the first thing that came to my mind, “You can’t say that, Chae.”
“But I just did,” you replied with that confident air of yours.
I was about to argue, but the look in your eyes silenced me. That and the way you raised your hand to signal I got to shut my pipes up. I reluctantly shut my mouth and once again reminded myself that I am in no position to demand anything from you.
“Wait outside by the living room,” you said like a teacher talking to a student who's about to get detention.
My breath was being dragged out of me while my brain registered the respite you’ve given me. I bowed to you on my way out of your room. It was the most I can do, bowing to the queen who has captured me with her open hand.
I slowly closed the door and leaned on it before going to the living room. There is a certain fear in me right now a fear that I may not be able to regain something precious that I have lost. I pushed myself away from the door and resolved to fight against that crippling fear creeping in on me. I felt like I was fighting for my life and I needed all the courage I could muster if I wanted to even survive this night.
“It could be the end or the beginning, an unfolding of something altogether new,” I remembered Daesung telling me when I dropped by his place after the second night of the concert.
Daesung’s the safest person to go to since all my other members knew what I have done and would definitely not let me near Chaerin. Yes, they’re part of my group but their loyalty is somewhat going for Chaerin. TOP-hyung already scolded me and told me to grow up. I think he’s right. I used to think I have done a lot of growing up in the last year but it seemed not to be the case at all. I may have grown in one area but on this side of me, I remained a boy. Meanwhile I could not even get back at Seungri for ratting me out because… well because his defense was valid, I wronged Chaerin.
“Hyung, I do not know what you’ve done but I know who Chaerin is. She is not just anyone. She’s one of the nicest and best dongseang I have ever come to know. If you’ve hurt her, the least you can do is admit it and say sorry, bear the consequence whatever that may be. She’s probably bearing the consequence of what happened between you two a lot harder than you think,” Dae told me. And I saw it in your sleep tonight. A peaceful slumber evaded you because even in your dreams I seem to be haunting you.
I sat on the sofa, fiddling with the corner of the table, unable to focus or be still. Are you even coming out? Even if you do not, I will wait here until you do. What happened between us was more than just a question of whether I loved you or not. This was a question of me betraying the trust you have wholly given to me and the confidence you had on my commitment. For you loving me was easy to do but trusting me was something else. I promised to not break your trust but I reneged on that promise when I did what I did.[/green]
How do I get it back? How do I get you back in my life? “Trust is such a fragile thing and when it’s damaged it’s so hard to put the pieces back together,” Top-hyung once told me, “but to me it’s all a question of WORTH. Is she worth going through hell just to regain her trust? How much is she worth to you?”
Everything. Now I could say she’s worth everything. I heard a door click and I saw you -- hair tied back in a bun, dressed in a pair of black shorts and large black shirt -- walk towards me in the living room. I quickly stood, knees slightly shaking, my heart racing glad that you came out but unsure of what you were feeling. It would have been better if you were lashing out on me or something but you remained as composed as ever. You coolly came over one of the chair opposite mine and invited me to sit. I sat and just stared at you. I wasn’t sure how to begin.
“It’s getting late, so if you have something to say, please say it now,” you politely told me.
“I’m sorry,” I began.
“You already said that,” you said looking directly at me.
“Yes, let me finish,” I said, frustration creeping in to my voice. I silently berated myself for losing patience and quelled my frustration because I had no right to be frustrated. I was the one intruding in your sleep and you were under no obligation to meet me whatsoever but you did. You placed your hand on your lap in that prim manner of yours and gave me a look that showed nothing of what was going on in that pretty head of yours.
“Sorry about that. Yes, I am saying sorry again. I do not know what else to say. I admit I was wrong. I was very wrong to even think of doing that, more wrong now that I did it and I apologize for what I have done,”
“Why?” you asked. I know what that meant. You were asking me why I did it.
“I do not know either. I thought…” I trailed off. I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t think this through. I thought a sorry will do but yes, you are not like any other girl. What got into me? “I thought I wanted something else but I know better now.”
“What is it exactly that you want, Jiyong-ssi?” you asked as you sat back and got really comfortable on that chair.
“Ssi?” I blurted the word out before I could stop myself. Earlier you called me oppa now it’s a –ssi? “I want to beg your forgiveness.”
“Beg my forgiveness?” you tilted your head to one side, an eyebrow raised as you funnily stared at me. You seem to think I was joking. I exasperatedly ran my hand on my head and exhaled. I just couldn’t back out now.
“I am honestly hoping we can get back to how we used to, but I know it’s not possible so I am just asking for simply a chance to start over,” I replied hoping you can see the sincerity in my reply.
You sat straight again and heaved a sigh. There was a pregnant pause like you were thinking about what you were going to say and how you were going to say them to me. “You know I haven’t had a chance to grieve over what you told me weeks ago. I haven’t had the chance to sort out my reaction and how I should be really feeling towards you. I haven’t even had the chance to throw away the things you gave me or wallow in some sad love song. I haven’t done those yet and here you are apologizing and asking for a chance.”
Hearing you say it in a manner so calm, made me sound downright selfish and foolish. Am I being childishly selfish about this? I was silenced by the reality of what you said but who could blame me?
You continued, “I am not saying I’m blameless. Maybe I did something you didn’t like that made you look at other women, but see even that I haven’t figured out yet.”
I looked down at my feet. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs you didn’t do anything wrong, all that happened was my fault. I was being an immature boy who didn’t know better, who thought I wanted one thing when everything I needed and wanted was already with me. Oh, Baby, can you not blame yourself?
I bit my lips so hard I was half expecting to taste blood. I raised my eyes and looked at you. You were staring at me with an incomprehensible sadness in your eyes.
“This was all…”
“Don’t say it was a mistake, Chae, please don’t,” I pleadingly said it interrupting whatever it was you wanted to say. I am more than willing to take the blame for this but just please don’t tell me it was a mistake. Nothing was a mistake. All the months we were together prior to the last 10 weeks were real, Chae, please don’t tell me it was a mistake.
“I wasn’t going to say it was. I was going to say that it was all started the wrong way though,” you sadly said.
I wanted to protest that there was nothing wrong with the way we started. We started out as friends, the way it should be, what could be so wrong about that?
My mind swirled in panic and honestly I was this close to breaking down and crying. I couldn’t let her think everything was a mistake or that it was started out wrong. It was one thing for me to commit such stupid decision of fawning over a girl I hardly knew over her and another for her to think there was SOMETHING WRONG from the START. That would nullify everything. No, I couldn’t and wouldn’t agree to this. How could I fight for that one slim chance if she would be dismissing everything altogether?
I opened my mouth to speak. Nothing coherent came out. I croaked, I groaned, I desperately sounded desperate.
“What?” I heard you ask me.
I sputtered the first thing that came to my mind, “You can’t say that, Chae.”
“But I just did,” you replied with that confident air of yours.
I was about to argue, but the look in your eyes silenced me. That and the way you raised your hand to signal I got to shut my pipes up. I reluctantly shut my mouth and once again reminded myself that I am in no position to demand anything from you.
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