Timing (age 18)
18 vs 30A/N: Sorry for the hiatus, I have a blog post explaining why I've been gone, but I wanted to pick this up again! And as you can tell by the picture, the main of this chapter is someone new. Dun dun dun! Well...not really new, just different. And yes, that’s technically Go Ara, but let’s pretend that’s she’s Oh Hani instead.
While growing up, The Runaway Bunny was Hani’s favorite book. Her mother used to quote it every day to her, and Hani would playfully run away from her screaming joyfully, “No!” as her mother would chase her around the house. It was their fun little game that would ultimately end with her mother catching up to her and snuggling her warmly in her arms.
During that time, she was often told that she had looked and acted just like her mother. Just as pretty and just as jovial and care-free. She had delighted in being a mini-version of her mother, whom she thought could do no wrong…until she actually did.
But as she got older, she truly became that bunny who so desperately wanted to run away from its mother. And her mother became this looming, inescapable shadow over her life, painting Hani in a despicable shade. For once, Hani wished that people stopped comparing her to her mother. But they didn’t.
During Hani’s final year of high school, a year that was supposed to be bitter-sweet, a time of celebration, she was on top. She was a first-string striker and a captain of the women’s soccer team. She considered by almost all of her classmates as a dear friend. And she had a sweet and caring boyfriend, Junseo, who happened to be the captain of the male soccer team. Even her grades (while not top of her class) were decent enough to earn her a sizable scholarship at the local university. But it was a long fall from the top, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t entirely blame her mother for it, although she may have been the catalyst for the chain of events that ended her final year.
At the beginning of the second semester, Hani’s mother ran off with another man, a younger man by ten years. She didn’t even care to run far away from her family and lived in the next town over with her new man, where they ran a bar together; she would still wander about the town hand in hand with her new lover, in front of the eyes of judgmental and gossipy peers, in front of Hani and her father.
Hani would have been elated that her mother found love and happiness, if she had thought she was unhappy before, if Hani had seen her parents fall out of love with each other. But her father didn’t. Her mother’s affair came as a shock to her and her father. He became almost catatonic at the news, missing work so much that he was eventually fired. Hani had to take care of him, forced him to eat, sleep, survive.
Her mother’s disregard for her father soon grew into a disregard for Hani. She could remember it clearly, her mother at their front door, her bags packed with all of her belongings, and the headlights from the car taking her away shining through the windows. “Hani, come with me. I’m not going far away, so you can stay at the same school, stay with your friends. Come with me, and we’ll be happier together, without that bastard.” And out of the corner of her eye, Hani could see the said ‘bastard,’ kneeling at the dining table in silence, hearing every harsh word coming from her mother’s mouth. At that moment, Hani wondered what had happened for things to get this way, what signs she had missed, and what she could’ve done to stop it. The only reason she had for everything was that her mother ‘had found love.’ If this was love, then what did she have with her father? Apparently nothing but hate now.
“I’m staying with Dad,” Hani was firm in her decision. After all, if she had left, he would have nothing but an empty house (Hani’s older sister, Hana, was away at college during this time and avoided her parents and sister, refusing to take sides).
She still remembered the sneer on her mother’s face. “You always did take after him,” she retorted with a slam of the door. Leaving Hani to ponder for years what she meant by that, because up until that point, she was always her mother’s daughter.
And she was still seen that way by her peers. Rumors flew around the halls of the school. Whispers were buzzing behind her back. Friends had disappeared from her side. No one wanted to be next to the daughter of a flighty woman who abandoned responsibilities to run a dodgy bar with an equally dodgy and younger man. After all, the similarities between her and her mother were too numerous to count. Who’s to say she wouldn’t do the same? That she wouldn’t abandon everything so freely in a blink of an eye on a whim?
Only a handful of friends, including Maeri whom she always considered as a little sister, remained. Maeri tried her best to cheer her up and console her with distractions, but like with Woohyun, Maeri wasn’t any better at comforting Hani either. Her boyfriend, Junseo, was no better. He was worse.
“Let’s break up,” he proposed the week after her mother left, during which he had ignored her.
“Why?”
“Because it’s nearing the end of our last year, and we’re going to different colleges. It’s inevitable.”
“But I thought we’re going to the same school.”
“Not anymore. I got a soccer scholarship somewhere else, and I took it.”
“Oh, okay.”
Thinking that the break-up was only about that, Hani let him go with a sad smile. He was probably right anyway, and she didn’t really believe in the endurance of love anymore. Although her heart cracked at the news, it was still holding together until later that afternoon.
Hani was passing the boys’ locker room and noticed that it was opened by just a crack. Feeling embarrassed for them in case they were to get exposed (in fact she had to shoo away a few of the underclassmen away from the door, who were trying to sneak a peek), Hani reached to shut it, but her fingers froze soon afterwards.
“I’m glad that I got rid of that . It was time, especially with her mom wh**ing around. Didn’t want to get attached to that. Besides, I was only dating her because she made me look good, but now…” He whistled lowly. “I can’t run away fast enough.” A murmur of his teammates’ approval echoed throughout the halls.
It was unmistakable whose voice that was. It was Junseo, bragging to his teammates about how he just dumped the formerly most popular girl in school, like it was an honor, like she was a disgrace. And their relationship, which Hani thought was founded on mutual trust and affection, really existed for social standing only. The most popular guy must date the most popular girl; it was only right.
Hani pulled away from the door, put her back up against the wall, and crumbled onto the floor. Her heart finally broke into thousands of tiny pieces after losing the one thing holding it together: faith in other people.
“Shut the Hell up!” a voice rose up from the excited chatter. Hani lifted her head. That voice sounded so familiar, but she just couldn’t place it. Before she could identify it, Junseo spoke up again.
“What’s wrong, Nam? Got a problem with me?”
“Yea I do,” the unknown teammate argued. “Noona has enough problems already.” He scoffed. “I guess you’re not one any longer.”
“Noona? Noona?!” Junseo laughed. “You like her, don’t you? You’re in luck, Nam. She probably prefers younger men just like her mother, the sl-” Junseo was interrupted by a clashing sound from the lockers, and the murmur of the teammates grew louder and angrier. “What the Hell?” Junseo’s voice rose above all of the noise. “You asked for it.”
Nothing could be heard but the shouts of the team, egging each other on. It was evident that a fight broke out. Hani was trying to find the strength in her legs to leave, but the soccer coach brushed past her and into the locker room to break up the fight. “Yah! Yah! Yah! Stop it right now, or I’m benching all of you and playing the first years,” he threatened in a booming voice. Hani took it as her cue to leave. She got up from the floor, and steadying herself with the wall, she began to slowly make her way down the hall.
She made it halfway when she saw the soccer team hurry past her, making their way out the door and down to the practice fields. Junseo didn’t even spare her a glance as he trudged on by, but Hani looked up and saw that he had a split lip and a bruising cheek. A smile immediately spread across her face.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to bench you. Rules are rules,” Hani heard the coach say behind her. She automatically stiffened, knowing that she was the ultimate cause for the fight. She was afraid of getting caught. Her eyes were fastened to her feet as the coach and the player passed by her. “I don’t blame you. I would’ve clocked the guy too, but I expected more from you, Woohyun.”
Hani’s head shot up. Woohyun? Isn’t that Maeri’s friend? Sure enough, there was her dongsaeng’s best friend with his head hanging down, his long black messy hair hiding his embarrassed face, nodding along to the coach’s lecture. Her eyes trailed down to his hands. His knuckles were red. "Yes sir," Woohyun muttered. "I understand."
Hani tried hard to choke down the "sorry" threatening to come out as a reflex. She had known very well how much Woohyun had loved the sport and now because of her, it was being taken away. However, she did the best thing that she probably could have done for him at the moment, Hani turned around and walked away, pretending like nothing had happened.
But Hani couldn't spend the rest of her life pretending like nothing happened, not with her father still acting like nothing more than a specter and with whispers following her every step. So like the little bunny in her story, she was going to run away and hopefully escape her mother once and for all. She applied to a program at Manchester, luckily knowing enough English to pass the minimal requirement. She felt guilty fleeing the country, but she wondered if her father would even notice if she left (he did). However, she couldn't stay in that small town any longer.
Unfortunately, her guilt only grew when she told Maeri the news. "But Unnie, you can't!" Maeri protested, trapping the soccer ball underneath her foot and refusing to pass it back. Her eyes were wide with panic. "You were going to stay here. You were going to be here and help the team. You can't! What am I going to do?"
Hani sighed. She didn't account for this. She had forgotten about her promises that she made to the team...to Maeri. They were close, like real sisters, and so Hani hoped like a true sister, Maeri would understand where she was coming from. Hani chewed her lip and replied, "It's a really good program. And I want to explore the world while I'm still young."
Maeri looked at her suspiciously and then grumbled, "Fine." She finally passed the ball back to Hani with a pout fixed on her lips. "As long as you're not doing this to run away from that butthead," Maeri added.
Hani laughed, recalling how when she told Maeri about the break-up, she had to restrain the younger from keying his car and other acts of vengeance. If anything, this whole experience had showed who her true friends were, and Hani was glad that Maeri was one of them, which made her all the more sad to be breaking her promise. "To be honest," Hani began quietly, passing the ball back and forth between her feet, avoiding the other's eyes. "I'm running away from more than just him."
"I know." Hani lifted her head and saw Maeri suddenly closer to her. She didn't necessarily like the look of pity on her dongsaeng's face, but it was better than disappointment. Maeri understood. "Unnie," Maeri called to her and put her hands on the older's shoulders. Hani looked her straight in the eye, worried about what the younger might say. "Let me set you up. Just once. Please!" Maeri begged cutely, putting up one finger.
"Huh?" Hani chuckled in disbelief.
"Before you leave for England, let me set you up on a date," Maeri explained. "It'll be like a palate cleanser! Washing the horrible taste of butthead from your mouth." Hani started laughing at that. Maeri had a way of always putting her at ease. "I'd hate for you to leave Korea thinking that all men here are jerks because maybe then...you'll come back."
So that's the reason. Hani smiled and patted Maeri's shoulder. "Of course I'll come back," she promised. "I'll miss the food!"
Maeri looked more relaxed after hearing that. She grinned and stole the ball from Hani's feet. "And the date?" she asked as she flicked the ball upwards and began juggling it on her thigh.
Hani watched the ball bounce as she mulled it over. She had an idea of who Maeri would ask. After all, Maeri had few male friends, and only one that she could easily ask favors of. Hani grinned. She at least owed the boy a meal for what he had done for her. "Sure," Hani acquiesced.
Maeri let the ball drop to the ground. She ran over to Hani and began jumping up and down. The older couldn't help but to be caught up in her excitement. "Thanks Unnie! I won't let you down!"
Hani hated to admit it, but Maeri actually did let her down. That Friday night, Hani was at her favorite restaurant for possibly the last time in awhile, dressed in her favorite one-piece dress with her make-up carefully done. She hadn't expected to be so excited about this date. She didn't know much about Woohyun other than he was cute, liked soccer, and was Maeri's best friend. But Woohyun probably knew as much about her as she did of him, and yet he still fought for her that day. Hani wanted to know why. She smiled to herself as she fiddled with the hoop earring she was wearing. Her mind was running wild, making up reasons for his actions. Hani, don't be silly, she chided herself and placed her other hand over her heart. Nothing can happen. You're running away. Even if he did like you, you can't take him with you.
And maybe it was lucky that nothing did happen that night. "Unnie!" Maeri yelled from across the room with a worried look on her face. She scurried over with her head down. Once she reached the table she bowed and apologized, "I'm sorry! I'm late!"
Hani laughed and pulled Maeri to sit down with her at the table. "Don't be sorry. But where is..."
"Argh!" Maeri groaned loudly, ruffling her hair. "Jerk! He's the reason why I'm late!"
"Huh?"
Maeri lifted her head, half of her hair was covering her face. "That jerk, Nam Woohyun, canceled at the last minute because Seungho got them tickets to some dumb basketball game," she answered. Her voice sounded a bit hoarse, most likely from yelling at her friend over the phone.
"Oh," Hani muttered. She pulled herself up straight in the both. Her eyes fixed on her lap. She screwed her eyes shut. It's probably better this way.
"Whatever. It's better this way," Maeri spoke the other's thoughts out loud. "Because," she said in a sing-song-y tone. "I found you someone better. And...OH! Here he comes now! Myungsoo-ah, over here!" And once the handsome boy reached the table, Maeri got up and gave her seat to her friend. Maeri put her hands on Myungsoo's shoulders and patted them. "He's a nice kid." Myungsoo chuckled at that, covering his mouth. Maeri blushed and immediately retracted her hands, putting them up in the air to wave goodbye at the couple instead. "You two will have fun!" she said as she turned around and left.
Hani couldn't help but to let out a sigh through her puffed cheeks as she watched her dongsaeng leave the restaurant. She then turned to face Myungsoo who was politely smiling at her, and she returned the gesture. Myungsoo took some encouragement from that sign. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table and asked, "So you're going to England? Tell me about it." And Hani was more than happy to oblige. She was more comfortable talking about her future than the past. So they talked about what they would do in the upcoming years, ate, and exchanged embarrassing stories (mostly involving Maeri, their one common denominator). They spent the evening pleasantly that way. And like Maeri had intended, Myungsoo made the perfect palate cleanser, allowing Hani to leave this small town on a good note and with a pleasant memory.
But she couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if the timing was a bit better. If the date was one day later or sooner, or if the game was canceled, what would have happened?
Then years later, the timing finally seemed right. Hani hadn't recognized Woohyun at first (the years had chiseled his face and wizened his eyes), but something about him felt familiar, felt almost like home. She wanted to explore that feeling more because after spending some time back in Korea, playing around with Woohyun in the library was the first time that she felt like she belonged. She thought it was a sign. However, she was wrong. The timing couldn't have been worse. Woohyun and Maeri were engaged, and Hani was encroaching on dangerous territory. One misstep, one little fall, and it could be disastrous.
For all of them.
Comments