Soah arrived at the meeting point before Tiffany. It was a nice spot down by the Seokchon Lake and next to their favorite ice cream parlor. All around were cherry blossom trees and she remembered coming a lot when they bloomed. At this spot, they had a really good view of Lotte World and Tiffany had promised they would get to go together during the vacations, but they never had the chance. The past was like that, full of small regrets… Interestingly enough, Soah kept revisiting that said past in the last few days with her sister, Minho and her family… Truthfully, she had wanted to talk to Tiffany since the time she saw her father at the grocery store; she just needed the kick. Somehow, seeing herself succeed in patching up with her family had given her enough confidence to tackle the next issue she was running away from. She didn’t expect it would go so well, Tiffany was really good at holding grudges.

*       *       *

Soah entered the classroom feeling a little bit nervous. Her parents had arranged for her to go Jinseon High School for girls, when she had mentioned she didn’t want to have to commute really far away. It was strange, being away from Yuri who decided to pursue piano lessons at SOPA, an hour-long commute from their house while Soah only needed 20 minutes to get to school. It also meant she didn’t know anyone. The class was full, people happily chatting, sitting all over the place. Soah glanced ata  paper the teacher had taped to the board, which indicated where everyone was to sit, and she tried to locate her seat. Finally finding her place, she quietly sat down and wondered what happened next. Seeing everyone around her was busy and not inclined to start a conversation with her, she pulled out a new notebook her mother had bought her and started doodling. Surely Han Yoojoo had other plans when she got her daughter a kit of colorful yet practical thick notebooks, but Soah preferred to let her imagination free realm on the page rather than take notes.

She was in the middle of arranging the eyes of the rabbit she drew when she felt someone’s presence looming over her body. A girl with long wavy brown hair and bangs was looking at her drawing with a smile. When Soah turned to give her a surprised look, the girl just kept smiling. Her eyes were like two crescent moons. She was a very pretty girl, with a cute face and a warm aura.

“That’s really cute. Do you like to draw?” The girl asked.

“Yeah, I like art,” Soah answered slowly, slightly shocked someone was actually talking to her.

“Nice!” The girl seemed happy to learn this. “I like art too! I also draw a little bit, we should compare our notebooks sometimes.”

“Sure.”

“Tiffany!” A girl called from a nearby seat. “You need to look at this new music video.”

“We’ve all been going to the same middle school before but you’re new, right?” Tiffany didn’t wait for Soah to answer. “I’ve got to go, but you should come eat lunch with us, it’s better than being alone.”

And she walked back to her friend who was holding her phone and pressed play as soon as she arrived. They weren’t using earphones so Soah could somewhat hear the song amongst the other voices and conversation. Still a bit surprised at how easily she had got to know a new person – a future friend, maybe? –  Soah blinked and then went back to her drawing. She made a mental note to bring her old notebook with her tomorrow so she could show Tiffany. There were a lot more drawings there.

*       *       *

Soah brushed aside a leaf that had fallen on her lap and pulled out her phone to check the time. Almost 2, she could arrive at any minute. Saying Soah was scared was an understatement. She was thoroughly terrified. It was one thing to leave her family, she had a good reason then, but Tiffany… The fact was, Soah didn’t have any good reason to cut contact with the woman. They could have remained friends.

“Soah?” A familiar voice called from behind the bench Soah was siting on.

“That voice,” Soah thought before feeling her heartbeat accelerate as she nervously turned her head to look.

Surely enough it was Tiffany. Hwang Stephanie was her full name, but no one ever called her that, not even her dad. Dressed in a red and frilly top with some ripped jeans and a thin leather jacket, Tiffany was the same as before, except her hair was now a shade of brown so dark it almost seemed black. Back in school it was a lighter mocha brown and now it looked like dark chocolate. Soah took a second to take in the sight of the woman who had been her best friend for 4 years. It had always amazed Soah how Tiffany could bring together clothes that looked like they belonged to three different fashion style into a working outfit.

“Hi.” Soah welcomed the woman by shifting a little bit toward one end of the bench. “Do you want to sit?”

 “Sure.” Tiffany slowly sat on the bench next to Soah. While the former was looking at her friend, the later was looking everywhere but. Soah just felt too awkward to look her in the eyes, trying to avoid knowing what face Tiffany was making. As long as she wasn’t looking, there was the possibility that she was smiling in her warm eye-smile-way, but as soon as she looked, the possibility would be gone and she would have to deal with the truth.

“I was surprised you messaged me.” Tiffany started talking like she often did in the past, always the one to fill the silences with her chirpy voice. Except this time is was much lower than usual and more paced. To Soah, it was as if Tiffany was carefully choosing her words to craft the perfect sentence. She wasn’t used to it. Before, her best friend would spurt whatever went through her mind, sometimes getting it wrong and offending people. This change in behavior could only mean that the situation was far more serious and that her best friend had changed during the time she was gone. “I’ve been wanting to contact you lately. I wanted to call in February when I graduated. I wasn’t sure if… If you would want to talk to me. Or if I even really wanted to talk to you.”

The emphasis on the pronouns made her voice falter a little bit and Soah looked up at her instinctively. She wasn’t smiling with her eyes, but she had this sad smile of resignation. It was as if she was saying: “You win and I give up.” It felt like a punch to Soah, to see someone she had loved and been so close to now look so hurt. Tiffany had always been the strong one, the happy-go-lucky girl that was friendly with everyone, but now she was vulnerable, worn out and tired of waiting.

“I wanted to communicate with you too!” Soah pleaded. “But I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t know.”

Tiffany looked at her in the eyes and Soah couldn’t look away. Tiffany’s pained expression subsided a little.

“It’s only me,” she said quietly, almost like a whisper. “I’m your best friend. You can always talk to me, say whatever is on your mind, I’m here for you…” She looked as if she wanted to add something but changed her mind and turned her head to look ahead, frowning and looking more closed off.

“Remember high school?” Soah asked taking upon herself the duty to keep the conversation going now that Tiffany was silent.

“Yeah…” Her word trailed off as if she was fondly recalling something.

*       *       *

“Are you sure it’s okay to be here?” Soah nervously asked her best friend.

“Of course! Why else would we have the key?” Tiffany answered with an eye roll.

“And you didn’t steal it?”

“What? Of course not! The teacher lent it to me. She likes me.” Tiffany proudly retorted.

For all Soah knew, that was the truth because everyone liked Tiffany. Glancing around quickly to make sure no one was coming their way, just in case they weren’t allowed to be there, Soah closed the door.

“Fine, then.” Soah dropped her bag on the ground and took out a canvas from a large carrying case she had brought with her. She started setting things on an easel and a small table next to her as Tiffany was doing the same. From her bag, Soah took out a very large white shirt that she slipped on top of her uniform and a few paint tubes. Soah preferred drawing, the pencil and the paper were her best friends. Tiffany, however, preferred painting and Soah had agreed that she would try. A few tries later and Soah had decided that she also liked it very much. For the last months, both girls had been inseparable. They found they had a number of things in common – both their birthdays were in August, for example – and they found out the things they didn’t share were complementary. Aside from Minho, Tiffany was Soah’s first friend. Her best friend. They ate together, they hung out together, they studied together and they shared art together.

“Do you have some more Cadmium Yellow?” Tiffany asked.

“Yellow is a base color, how can you not have any?” Soah retorted, laughing.

“Hey, I take offense in that comment. I have Bih Yellow but it’s a heavy body tube and I want a soft one so I can mix easier.”

“Oh, sure,” Soah said while gently throwing her tube of paint to her friend.

Tiffany complained. “I don’t like acrylic. Why can’t we do oil painting?”

Soah took her time to apply an even coat of a nice shade of cobalt blue. “It takes too long to dry.”

“You take to long to dry!”

Soah lifted her eyes from her canvas. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“You don’t make sense!” Tiffany countered.

Both girls exchanged a glance and started laughing.

“Next time,” Soah conceded. “The teacher said we could use that room for all semester, right?”

“Yup! We have a HQ, now.”

*       *       *

After that, both girls had started to work hard to get into the same university. Soah’s grades were highly improving which had greatly pleased her parents. They liked Tiffany as they believed it was her influence that had put Soah back into the right track. Tiffany was smart and had an excellent memory, but she was no scholar either, so they both had to spend lots of time studying. But it was okay as long as they were together. They liked art, so they made a promise to get into a visual arts program at the same university.

The first weeks of university had been relatively easy and it was nice to study something that they both liked.

“Okay,” Tiffany started. “Let’s pretend it doesn’t matter who wanted to call who first and all that. Was there something you wanted to say?”

Soah weighted her words. Let’s pretend. Tiffany wasn’t forgiving her. But Soah was expecting this and she knew what she had to say. She had ran the words again and again in her head, on the way there.

“Well, first I want to thank you. You came here even though you didn’t have to and you were a really good friend to me.”

“That’s what friends do,” Tiffany simply stated.

*       *       *

Soah placed her shoes inside her locker when she caught a glance of her best friend. Tiffany was waiting by the locker row and Soah could see from her expression that she was conflicted.

“Who told you?” Soah was calm.

Tiffany bit her lower lip. “Yuri.”

Ah. So her sister was afraid of the way she would react. If anything, her sister was the one who needed support after this. But her sister had Minho. And Soah had her friend.

“I’m okay,” she said trying to make her voice sound assured and reassuring.

“Your mother died! You are not okay.”

Soah who was busy putting books in her locker spun her head around to look at her best friend. “I’m okay,” she stated once more.

“Soah, you need to face your emotions! Come with me to the studio, we can express ourselves on the canvas like we always do. It’ll be fun.” As soon as the last words left , Tiffany regretted them. Fun. How could she say that when Soah was grieving, how inconsiderate of her. She tried to take it back. “I mean, it’ll be a cathartic experience.”

“I really don’t need to, I’m fine.”

Soah didn’t really know if she was fine or not. What she knew is that her mother had always been a cold and though person to deal with. Yuri was okay with that and had loved her but Soah had grown detached. She disliked her mother, but even then, she was still the only mother she knew. It was confusing. The whole town was mourning for the famous Han Yoojoo whose beauty and graced easily landed her the favors or the upper class. “She was too young” the newspaper said. “Such a beautiful woman, like a warm light that is fading.” had compared a magazine. Soah would say her mother was warm, but she was indeed beautiful always a class act. It was confusing because Soah was sad. She wasn’t heartless. But what pained her more was the fact that with her mother gone, she had lost all hopes of one day becoming the kind of person she would have wanted her to become. Han Yoojoo would never gently pat Soah’s hair and tell her she was doing good. She would never hold her daughter in her arms after her graduation, saying with teary eyes that she was proud. Soah thought she had stopped expecting things from her mother, the woman who didn’t even come to reassure her after she had a nightmare, the woman who was constantly confronting her when it came to grades, the woman who never wanted to asks questions in order not to appear weak… She thought she was okay with the way things were, but obviously some hope was still remaining that one day she could become the perfect daughter. And now it had finally died once and for all.

“Soah…” Tiffany trailed, unsure on what to do next.

“I’m okay. I’d rather work on our Art History paper that is due for next week.”

Sighing, Tiffany followed her back to the library where they both pulled out books and their laptop to type in their assignment. Maybe Soah was the kind of person that dealt with grief by working, some people were like that. She had thought her friend would want to talk about it with her, given that she was in a similar situation with her mother, but she really seemed okay. Tiffany looked over at Soah with relief.

*       *       *

Soah dialed the number of her best friend, a number she now knew by heart.

“Hello?” Tiffany answered.

“My dad is getting remarried.” Soah said immediately and without warning. “It’s been almost a year.”

Tiffany understood that she was talking about her mother passing away. “And you think it’s too soon?”

“No, I don’t mind. It’s just that she has a kid already.”

“You’re going to have a new sibling? How lucky!”

“A step-brother,” Soah clarified. “His name is Han.”

“Like your mother’s last name?” Everyone knew Han Yoojoo as such, even after she had married Kwon Sungho. She officially had changed her last name, but no one was ever using it. She was Han Yoojoo, not ever Kwon Yoojoo.

“Yeah, I don’t know if I want to call him that.” Soah thought her mother’s name was too charged, she couldn’t really use it without transferring these feelings onto him. And that wasn’t fair.

“Well, what’s his last name?”

“Lu.”

“Then call him Luhan.” Tiffany suggested.

“Not a bad idea, thanks.”

Once their conversation was over, Soah laid back on her bed and stared at her ceiling. She didn’t mind that her father was going to remarry. But a few months after her mother’s death, when he had started dating again, Soah had seen women practically throw themselves at her father. He was rich, and had status and for those women it was like hitting the jackpot. Even older ladies they met tried to set him up with their daughter. To Soah, it was like seeing humanity at his lowest: People with no pride and dignity going after her father and her late mother’s money like that, using her mother’s death as a stepping stone for themselves. She was disgusted and had tried to ignore the whole situation. But now that her father was getting married to one of them, she didn’t know what to think anymore. What kind of woman would she be?

*       *       *

Turned out Lu Zhang Li was a woman of substance, someone a girl like Soah could really look up to. She had her own money, a self-made fortune thanks to her lawyering skills. She had been living in Korea with her son for quite some time now, working in international deals, more specifically deals with China.

Her son, Luhan, as Soah called him, was a really nice person, fun with a great sense of humor. He had met Soah and Yuri and immediately became friend with them both, although choosing to hang out with Soah more often. That fact in itself had made Soah beam, at least one boy in their entourage had chosen her over her sister. They were always hanging out with Tiffany too, which made them a super friend trio.

In fact, Soah was about to go meet them, but she needed to turn in her application for an internship first. With her portfolio in hand, reduced to a mere manila folder full of pictures instead of the 60 inches-tall canvases se usually worked with, she walked to the teacher’s office. The person that was in charge of internship admission was Teacher Lee, easily the strictest and best teacher in the school. Soah always had good enough grades in her class and believed getting that internship would be a piece of cake. Tiffany had also applied and both girls had welcomed the bit of friendly competition. Still, there were a few people chosen and the friends hoped both would manage to get it together.

Soah knocked on the door and a short but stern looking woman came to let her in. Soah gave her both the form and the portfolio-folder and sat down while Teacher Lee was looking through the papers to make sure everything was filled.

“Everything is in order,” Teacher Lee said while placing the papers on a pile of similar folders.

Soah smiled and got up to bow, but as she was about to walk about, Teacher Lee gave her a quick sign to keep sitting.

“If I may Soah, could we have a quick word?”

“Of course, Teacher Lee,” Soah answered with a smiled as she sat back.

“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat my words, but I feel like your recent work has been lacking.”

Soah frowned at the words of her teacher. This was the first time anyone was telling her this. All the other teachers always praised her work like she was the best in the class. “What do you mean, Teacher?”

Teacher Lee sat in front of Soah, at her desk and interlaced her fingers on the wooden surface. “Do you remember what I taught you in class? What defines art?”

“The application of creative and technical skill to produce a piece with emotional power,” Soah answered without blinking.

“Exactly,” Teacher Lee seemed satisfied with her answer and Soah thought for a second that it was all a test to know how much she listened in class. Truth be told, Soah had really turned her act around compared to her middle school days and was collecting very good grades in all her classes. She always listened carefully to the lessons and Teacher Lee knew it. What was the point of asking her, then?

“The truth is your art looks good, the techniques are well used, but I don’t see any individuality, emotions. Your paintings don’t make me feel anything. You need to express yourself, but you don’t seem to know how. How are you, Kwon Soah? And who do you want to be? I don’t see you anywhere on that canvas.”

Soah swallowed hard, shocked by the turn of event. “What do you mean?” Her voice was unsure, almost stuttering.

“A robot could have painted this,” Teacher Lee said, pulling a picture from Soah’s portfolio. It was a beautiful meadow with flowers and a single very old tree that looked imposing as if it was protecting the place. “The choice of colors are okay at best and the composition is nothing special. What does the tree represent? What is it to you? It just looks like a normal landscape to me.”

The student’s eyes widened. “I don’t know,” she answered quietly after giving it a bit of thoughts.

“Here,” Teacher Lee handed Soah her portfolio back. “If you want to work on it a bit, you have talent and you can make it.”

An open palm came to meet the side of the folder, pushing it toward the teacher. “Can you just submit it as is,” Soah asked with a very small and choked up voice.

“If that’s what you want,” Teacher Lee answered with a smile. “If you change your mind, you can come to me.”

Soah nodded and almost ran outside the office, not even bothering to close the door behind her and forgetting to bow. Her quick steps took her next to the cafeteria. Putting her back against the wall, Soah took deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. Her art might not have been perfect, but she was still a student. Surely Teacher Lee was wrong and the other people who saw her paintings would think they were good. After all, she only ever received good grades and praise from the other teachers. Yes, that was it. Teacher Lee was wrong, and Soah would prove it by getting the internship. Her breathing returned to normal and a confident smile was dancing on her lips. Walking inside the cafeteria, she spotted her two friends and waved at them.

*       *       *

Luhan was casually laying on the step of the university building drinking from a small strawberry-milk carton with a bored expression. Next to him, Tiffany and Soah were both on their phones, pressing the same button over and over.

“Girls,” Luhan started, “Refreshing the page all day won’t make the result come out faster. They said 3pm and it’s only 2:30.”

“Fine!” Tiffany put her phone back in the pocket of her coat and slouched on the steps next to Luhan. Soah did the same and all three friends started at the sky, watching the clouds drift.

“What if we both get an internship?” Tiffany asked without looking away from the sky.

“Then Luhan would be in Seoul all alone for a month,” Soah said laughing.

“Hey,” Luhan protested, “I will be perfectly fine on my own. Besides, that will give me an excuse to travel and go see you.”

“What if one of us don’t get it?” Tiffany asked worried.

“Then one of you can keep me company. Or we can travel together to go see the other.” Luhan joked.

“It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Soah stated. “If it’s me, I promise I’ll be here when you come back and we can keep going to classes and graduate together. We can even do her final project together, like we planned.”

“Yeah! If it’s me, I promise that it won’t change anything either.”

“Good, now that this is all okay for you, can one of you get me another strawberry-milk?” Luhan asked, raising his head to look at them.

Tiffany started to giggle and Soah raised her hand to swat him behind the head but still got up. “Sure,” she said. “Want anything Tiffany?”

“No, I’m fine,” Tiffany said, reaching for her phone and refreshing the page again.

Soah smiled at her and walked inside the building toward the cafeteria. She picked a strawberry-milk carton from the fridge and got in line for the cash register. As she was waiting, she noticed it was 3pm and took out her phone. Opening her mail, she scrolled to see if she had received a word from the internship program. There was indeed a mail. She opened it in a heartbeat.

To Ms Kwon Soah,

We are sorry to announce that your candidacy for the fourth semester’s internship has been denied.

Soah stopped reading and her arms limply fell by her side, almost dropping the milk and her phone. She walked in a daze to the register, paid and went out. At least, Tiffany surely wouldn’t get in either and they could both stay together in Seoul. She made her way outside. Tiffany was jumping in joy and practically jumped on her. “I got the internship!” Tiffany said in a sing-song voice. Soah’s world collapsed in that second. “They are sending me to Busan.” Her friend continued although Soah wasn’t listening. She gave Luhan his carton and barely heard Tiffany when she asked if she had gotten in too.

“Yeah,” Soah lied, “but I forgot I need to go see the teacher right now. Don’t wait.”

And Soah ran back inside the building. She could hear Tiffany tell Luhan that since she was leaving for her internship in a week she should go home and tell her father. Soah felt like puking. In the end, Yuri had Minho and Minho had Yuri, her late mother had her fame, her father had his new wife, Tiffany had her intership... But what about herself? What did she have? Art? She wasn't even good anymore. Love? No, he had chosen her sister. Even her father would rather spend time with his new wife rather than spend thime with his daughter. Not once had he said he was proud of her. Her family was no more. She had nothing anymore and every failure was pulling at her, set on making her break. One day she would just fall to pieces and no one would know why. All these emotions she had to bottle up. Play the part. Be the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, the perfect student. She had tried so hard so why was the world so unfair and giving everything she wanted to every one else but her?

She went up the stairs in a hurry and found herself in front of the teacher’s office. She opened the door without knocking. Teacher Lee was busy filling some paperwork but no one else was in the room. The woman raised her head when she heard Soah enter and their eyes met.

“How can I find who I am?” Soah asked in a breath.

*       *       *

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell her?” Luhan asked his step-sister.

“Yeah, I don’t want her to feel back about me not getting in.” Soah answered in half-truth.

“And are we really doing this? You and I, going to China while Tiffany is in Busan?”

“Yeah.”

“What about university?”

“Teacher Lee said I could take a leave of absence for a month without consequence on my classes, it’s been validated and all. I’ll miss the start of the fourth semester but when I come back I can start it back.” Soah explained.

“Uh, okay, then.” Luhan agreed.

The plan was to drop Tiffany at the airport and as they told her that Soah was going to Daegu for her internship while Luhan was going to China to see family. The three friends had promised to message each other every day and Soah had promised Luhan she would tell Tiffany when they would be back. Luhan had agreed, she had said her goodbyes to her family, everything was set. She remembered her teacher’s word. “It’s not gonna work for everybody, but the world is vast. Go explore and get real life experience, you’ll find that you often find clues about who you want to be in unexpected places.”

So that is why she was there, at the airport, waving Tiffany goodbye and waiting with Luhan for their plane. She had brought her sketching pad with her and some artist supplies in her luggage and she was ready to get out of the city, ready to amass real life experience and see other corners of the vast world her teacher had mentioned. It would be okay. She would come back to school in a month and be more mature and ready to do some real art.

“Thanks for coming with me,” she told Luhan.

“No problem sis, I’m here for you.” He answered.

*       *       *

Tiffany got in the class and looked for her best friend. A month away had been fun but she had missed her dearly. She sat at her seat and waited for her friend to show up. It wasn’t like Soah to be late, but if her flight had been today, there were chances she could arrive later. The whole day passed and Soah didn’t come to class at all. After trying to call her and receiving no answer, Tiffany called Luhan.

“Do you know where Soah is?” She asked after he picked up.

“She’s not in class?” Luhan asked.

“No.”

“That’s strange, her flight landed yesterday and she told me she was eager to see you on the next day.”

“Well, she’s not here, maybe she was feeling under the weather from her trip back?”

“Probably. She’ll surely be there tomorrow.”

Tiffany agreed and hung up. Soah would be there tomorrow. Except that on the next day, Soah didn’t show either. A whole week after the end of Tiffany’s internship passed and still no sign of Soah. She didn’t answer her phone or replied to her message, it was radio silence. Where in the world was her best friend?

*       *       *

“Do you know what friends also do?” Tiffany continued. “They call! They tell each other that they are still alive once in a while. I had to find out from Luhan that you had lied to me and were in China and from Yuri that you weren’t coming back any time soon. Do you know how I felt?”

Tiffany’s eyes were tearing up and Soah’s heart hurt, as if a hand was squeezing it inside her chest.

“I felt like I didn’t matter, like you forgot me and didn’t care anymore. I felt awful for a year, without a call and without my best friend!”

Seeing that Tiffany was now crying, Soah’s eyes started to water too.

“I’m so sorry, Tiffany,” Soah tried to explain. “I wanted to come back but I couldn’t there were just so many things about myself that were confusing and I didn’t know who I was.”

“I know that now, your sister told me. But you could have told me then. Friends listen to each other. Three years ago, you left and never returned and I might be your friend, but you certainly weren’t mine back then. I know why you called me here and I can’t forgive you.”

“Is there anyway I could change your mind?” Soah’s voice was trembling.

“I’ll think about it.” Tiffany wasn’t crying anymore. Instead, she was looking at Soah with a sad smile again. “I’ll call you.”

The woman got up from the bench and took something from her purse that she placed next to Soah. She then walked away. Through the tears, Soah took the item Tiffany had left behind. It was a tube of acrylic paint. Cadmium Yellow. The one Tiffany had borrowed before but had forgot to return.