Much to my dismay Jinki did not return that night. I stayed up and I waited for him, barely able to keep my eyes off of the child that I had helped to create, but the morning light came before he did. I could not understand why he was so angry with me; I had not kept this from him out of spite. My parents did not even know that they were grandparents. I had thought that telling people would cause more problems due to the fact that Cheolyong was not a part of my life, nor did I believe that he ever would be. “What should Appa do? If he wants me to choose... I have to pick you.”

“He would be foolish to make that mistake, yeebo.” I heard my love’s voice come from the doorway, and I felt a calm wash over me. I ran over to him and embraced him tightly. “I’m sorry for leaving last night.” He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to his chest. This was where I belonged and the worst feeling in the world was to be pushed from this spot forever. “I was shocked. I don’t have any desire to be a father. But now I have to either become one or lose you.” All of the calm that his voice had put in me was stolen once again as he continued speaking.

“I don’t think that should be a hard decision, Jinki.” My voice was wavering and I felt like I wanted to cry. If he did not immediately know which once was worse then I was sure that it meant that he did not really love me. I have no idea where he got the impression that I was going to make him help me raise my son if he did not want to. I was sure that we could still be together without him having to be a father.

“Can we take a break until I can wrap my head around this, yeebo?”

I pushed him away from me, hoping that he could not hear the sound of my heart shattering into pieces. I could not believe that he would break my heart over this. I did not think that I could ever forgive him for it either. “If you leave now I can’t promise that I’ll let you back in if you decide it’s what you want.” I had never felt anything more painful than having the love of my life threaten to leave me. I felt as though my entire body was on fire, and that my nerves were screaming at my brain. Then on top of that I wanted nothing more than to punch Jinki in the face. “Cheolyong doesn’t need a father like you anyway.” My mouth spat out without even asking my brain if it was okay first. “And I don’t need a flaky, clumsy, useless boyfriend.”

“I understand that you’re mad at me... I would be mad too...”

“Then stop making stupid decisions.” I pushed him out of the room and tenderly placed my body on the bed next to my son. Tears started rolling down my cheeks before I could even realise that they were building up. I covered my face with my pillow so the sounds of my sobs would not wake my child up. The last thing I needed was a crying baby, especially since I was already bawling like one. I had no idea that I would lose one of the most important things in my life in order to gain another, and I had no idea how I was meant to react to it.

After I succeeded in crying for the next hour I felt a small hand on my head, “Appa? No cry, Appa?”

I looked up into the face of my beautiful, and perfect, son, and forced a small smile to stretch across my face. “Appa isn’t crying. Appa is too happy to cry. He got the most wonderful present in the entire world yesterday.”

“What?”

“Appa got you. And Appa could not be happier.” I pulled myself out of bed and scooped him up into my arms, preparing to face the rest of the day. My first day as a father, which would also coincide with my first day without Jinki, was going to be the hardest in my life. Cheolyong and I went out into the living area, expecting it to be desolate like usual. However, when I got there Jinki was sitting at the table with his head in his hands and Jjong was trying to get him to tell what was wrong. Taemin and Minho were trying to cook breakfast, and had apparently failed to figure out how to use the internet and had not created a reasonable meal for Cheolyong. “Aish, you two. Get out of my kitchen.”

I walked passed my ex and did my best to shove the two youngest members out of the kitchen. “Key-hyung, shouldn’t you try to comfort Jinki-hyung?” my precious Tae-baby was so nosy sometimes, but I knew that I could not get angry with him. None of what had happened had been his fault.

“I see no reason to comfort a chicken loving idiot, Taemin.” I dug around the kitchen in attempts to find a decent meal for my son. “What do you like to eat, Cheolyong?” The boy shrugged and I could not help but sigh. Being an Appa was going to be much harder than I had anticipated. It had already lost me Jinki, and now I was realising that I had no idea what I was doing. “Do you like apples?” I picked one up, and felt him shake his head at it. “How about Cheerio’s?” I felt his nod against my chest and I grabbed the box and saw Taemin grab a bowl. I poured some into the pink bowl, put the box back down, and held the cereal up to Cheolyong.

I looked up and saw that I was not the only person amazed by the boy. Taemin’s, Jjong’s, and Minho’s eyes were all locked on my son as he ate his breakfast. His small fingers kept reaching out into the bowl and each time they would pinch together and bring back one of the small circles for him to eat.  Having him in my arms made me realise that I had made the right decision, and that even though it hurt that it would be worth it.