Even though I trusted my members very much I still felt myself panicking as I watched Jjong play with my son. He had gone out and purchased some trains, and the two were sat on the floor of the living area playing together.  I worried that my son would prefer one of the others to me, and I knew that that would be even worse than losing Jinki. I could not deal with that kind of pain. “Appa? Come play, Appa?” He took a train from Jjong and handed it to me.

I smiled and sat next to him, my grin stretching even further when he climbed up into my lap. I was doing my best not to show how tired I was after waiting up all night for Jinki to come home, and since no one had mentioned it I assumed that I was doing a banner job at it. “Can we talk, Kibum?” I heard he voice of my ex coming from somewhere behind me.

I debated not answering him, and wrapped my arms around Cheolyong’s waist. I knew that I was making the right decision, even if it hurt.  “We don’t have anything to talk about, Jinki.”

“I love you.”

“Good for you.” I squeezed my eyes shut trying to make sure that no tears were able to slip out. I could not believe that I could ever be so cold to my love. If I showed him any kindness I was sure that it would be the first step into walking back into his arms.  I had to stay strong in this. I had to do what was best for my son. Jinki was not capable of being a good father to Cheolyong, and that meant that he could not be my lover. Somewhere else in the room I heard Taemin ask Minho if Jinki and I had broken up. “Did you expect that things would be okay, Jinki? Did you think that you could say the things you said this morning and then still call me yours? Cheolyong is the most important thing in my life, Jinki. Even you pale in comparison.”

I could hear my own heart breaking and I wondered if he could hear his doing the same as I spoke. My words were not complete truth and I was not sure that he knew me well enough to realise it. While Cheolyong was the most important thing in my life now, he had tied with Jinki. The two could easily share first place, if only the latter wanted to. “Everything was fine until he showed up...”

“I’m glad it turned out this way. Now I get to know that I could never have a life with you.”

“I can learn to be a father, Kibum.”

“No, you can’t. I know you, Jinki.” I looked down to see Cheolyong squirming in my lap, trying to turn his body around. It appeared that he wanted to face the man I was speaking to. “That’s Jinki, he’s in Appa’s band. Just like Uncle Jjongie, Cousin Minnie, and Uncle Minho. He broke Appa’s heart.” Even though I was upset with Jinki I could not contain a smile as I felt Cheolyong press his lips against my chest. As though he was trying to kiss the pain away.

I heard an ‘awh’ exit Jjong’s mouth as he watched it. He had obviously been won over by my son, so why couldn’t my love feel the same? “I love you, Appa.”

“I love you too Cheolyong.” I held the boy close to my chest. I felt like the luckiest man alive to be able to have him for my son. I knew that there would be more repercussions than just losing Jinki, but I was prepared to take them for him.

“When did you and Jinki hyung break up, Key?” Jjong asked me, nosy as always. Though I suppose that it was an important question. When two friends break up it usually causes problems with the group dynamic.

“This morning, but it really doesn’t matter Jjongie.” I smiled, “It’s not going to change anything. Except you won’t have to worry about walking into a room and catching Jinki hyung and I face.” I shrugged, trying not to let anyone else see how hurt I really was. Though I am sure that it was obvious with how nasty I was being to him. I could not believe half of the things that were coming out of my mouth. I was not a vicious person, but I was certainly behaving like one.  “Jinki hyung isn’t prepared to raise a child yet. Nor do I believe he ever will be.”

“You may be right there.” Jjong frowned, clearly deep in thought, “though can’t you two be together still? He doesn’t have to raise your son.”

I felt strangely validated when Jjong had the same opinion that I had held before the break up. I knew I was being selfish, wanting to have my cake and eat it to, but I wanted to be with Jinki and I wanted to have my son. And it hurt like hell that my love had made me choose, even after he knew that I would not pick him. No matter how much it hurt the both of us to be apart.