In 2008 I debuted in SHINee, I was very young and very excited for what was to come. I thought that if 2007 was going to come back it would be once I got famous, but nothing happened. I told my hyungs and dongsaengs nothing, and I never thought that I would have to. By the end of the year I had my first boyfriend, Lee Jinki, and I thought that he was the beginning and ending of all things good. It was so easy for me to fall head over heels for him and I constantly worried if he felt the same about me. He told me he loved me each day, but I still worried that I was not good enough. So I worked harder.

I thought hard word was the answer to everything. I forced myself to care for what I looked like, to care for my little Tae-baby, to make sure that Jinki-hyung did not injure himself or others, and to do everything that I could to make sure SHINee lasted. Little did I know that none of that would matter come the biggest news of my life.

I called ahead to the dorms and made sure that I got the other four members to be waiting in the living area when I arrived. I had major news for them and I needed to tell them right away. I had been keeping it from them for years but the time to tell them had come. When I arrived I was literally shaking from the fear that was pulsating through my body. The four of them were waiting as I asked and after I slipped my shoes off I walked into face judgement, “This is my son.” I closed my eyes and indicated to the child I held in my arms.

“Hidden camera?” Were the first words to slip out of Taemin’s mouth. I should have known that people would not believe me when I told them. They had always known me to be very staunchly gay. When we had all met for the first time it had been one of the first things I had told them. I had not wanted any of us to feel uncomfortable because of who I was. I had never had any intentions of changing myself, but I would have had to work something out if someone like Siwon-hyung had been in the band. At the time Taemin was too young to know what he thought, and the others were fine with it.

Jinki’s eyes shot up to me, nothing but rage in them. “You had better be lying.”

I held my child tighter in my arms, as though I needed to protect him from my boyfriend. “He’s three years old. His mother was just killed in a car accident. He’ll be coming to live with us.” I bounced the child gently in my arms, trying to keep him calm. He had had a very rough day and I worried about how he would react when he realised this Umma was no longer around. “His mother did her best to keep me out of his life, but now he’s mine.”

I watched sadly as Jinki walked over to the door, grabbed a random pair of shoes, and stormed out of the dorm. I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any second, and this was not helping. I had thought he would be the first person to support me in this, but it appeared that no comfort would be coming from his direction. Just as I felt the tears starting to well up in my eyes I felt someone grab the child from my hands. I felt my heart rate increase and quickly turned to see who had taken the child. Fortunately it was Minho, I probably would have panicked a little if it had been Taemin, but I knew I would need to learn how to be okay with the idea. “What’s his name, Key-hyung?”

“Kim Cheolyong., he is not named after Mir from MBLAQ.” I was so quick to defend his name, though I had not been part of choosing it, and I had often been reminded that the only reason he had my family name was because his mother was a Kim as well. I was thankful of that; I would not have been able to recover from the pain of my own son not having my name. “I didn’t tell you guys because I never thought I would actually have him in my life.”

It seemed that the three were unconcerned with the fact that I had kept Cheolyong from them, and were instead completely fascinated by him. Jjong had already started listing things that we would need to take care of him, and Minho and Taemin were trying to ask him about his interests. The two of them did not seem to fall into that category and as soon as he saw me again he started reaching out and trying to get back in my arms. I took him away from the two and his demeanour brightened, “Do you like Appa?” I kissed his forehead and felt him nod underneath my lips. “Are you happy to live with Appa?” I could not hide the smile that stretched across my lips when he nodded again. Though it was sad how I got my son back, I was very happy to have him. I was sure that Jinki would come around when he saw how happy I was, and if he did not then I would work something out. I knew that I could never choose between him and Cheolyong, and if he loved my like he said he did then he would never ask me to choose. 

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I had a dream about this last night, so I decided to write it. I hope you enjoy it. Comments are loved, and if you have any ideas for something you want to read please do not hesitate to tell me. ^^