Sulli's Point of View

          I’ve been thinking about it all night…

          …some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live.

          But I am different… I know that my time in this world is getting shorter, so why I have to be afraid?

          It’s not like I don’t care when I die… no one knows when they will die. Neither you nor I may be able to live that long, but no life is so little as to give up, to think ‘I don’t care when I die’…

          What I mean is, everything in life is temporary so I want to make the best out of it. I want to live just like before…

          3 years ago, my life is so normal. Well, not actually normal.

          Because I was living, I was free and living.

          I was athletic and never running out of thing to do: School, party, trips, sports and many more. I also liked to challenges myself, I could do anything I wanted to do even if it’s the first time I’ve tried it.

          …I wanted to be like that again, the one who is living her life.

          So I came up with a plan…I have to escape as soon as my parents leave me alone for work and get backs before they notice…

          Maybe my idea is insane but hey, out of all my problems in the world, why should I be bothered if insanity added in my illness?

          Crazy sulli…I may have liked the sound of it.

……

……….

          Today is the day. My fingers are crossed for anything that may turn bad.

          My parents and I came at the hospital early in this morning because they have to go back to Busan to finish all their paper works there at the afternoon. That’s good news for me.

          “And they live happily ever after…” I said the last words in the story I’ve been reading for kids at the hospital.

          I was here again for my other test. And like always, while I am waiting for my parents, I’m visiting the children who have the same illness with me.

          Sometimes, I felt pity for them because they are so young to be trapped here. But then, I stop myself to feel that because I don’t want others to feel that way for me. I know it’s unfortunate to be like this but I’m still smiling and so these children are. In my opinion, as long as a person is happily living, even though they can’t change their path, it is the same living in this world in a hundred years.

          “Sulli, let’s go home.” My mum called me.

          I got up and say goodbye to the kids. “Be good, okay.”

          They all nodded and waved their goodbyes.

          When we are on the car, mum can’t stop worrying about me leaving alone in the house. It’s not like I’m going to do something bad…..erm…yeah, I’m going something bad but it’s not actually bad if you think it through. I just want to do sightseeing and it’s not bad if they wouldn’t know my plan right?

          “Mum, I’ll be fine.” I said for the hundred times.

          “I could stay here,” my mum said to me.

          “No you can’t.” I understand that she is worried but I’m not a kid anymore that is needed to be looked at every time. Yes I am sick but it doesn’t mean that I’m not capable of taking care of myself. “What bad could happen to me inside the house?” or outside the house, I added in my mind.

          My mum sigh “okay, just be careful.”

          They left a few minutes after we arrived in our house…

          …because my time is limited, I don’t have any time to waste hesitating, that’s why I walk straight ahead. That’s why I never stop and never looked back.

          Sulli, you are free now, let’s see the world and search for happiness…I said to myself.

          There is a book I always reads…

          …it says that, watch the world with glittering eyes, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

          So now, I’m up for an adventure of finding it.

          The air was warm. The beams of sunlight glowing on my skin, the laughter of small children running around, the bark of a dog in the distance, the scraping sound of a jogger’s sneakers on a gravel sidewalk, the sweet aroma of the ripening peaches in an orchard nearby, the young couple having picnic under a shady olive tree.

          At first I thought I remembered nothing from being outside. Then, as I ambled around the town, a few little things jogged my memory. Even though it’s not the town I grew up, there are a lot of things in common here. One was the peanut machine outside the hardware store. When I was a six years old, I’d thought it was weird and old-fashioned that the gumball machine dispensed peanuts. And yet, here it still was, I strongly suspected the peanuts were as old as I was.

          I also remembered that I used to climb on the high wall next to the bank, and my mother shrieking at me to get down. I’d been such a monkey as a little kid. I’d been the best tree climber in our neighbourhood, even among boys and older kids. I’d felt so light and rubbery then compared to now.

          I let my feet guide me, because they seemed to have a better memory than my head. I pass along the market street, a wide field stretched out, green and lush. It went along for three blocks, bordered by giant, ancient oak trees and pretty iron benches. At the far end, I noticed soccer goals marking a beautiful green regulation field. I felt breathless as I looked at it. There was a rumbling, creaking feeling in my brain as it searched its many dusty, unconsidered files.

          …when I was a child, I used to play soccer. I’m not just only playing, I’m very good at it maybe even great.

          I sat on the bench and closed my eyes. I remembered running and I remembered a soccer ball, and then I started remembering many, many things all in a rush. I remembered my father teaching me how to kick the ball when I was only three or four. Sometimes, I’d tripped over my feet, but it is okay because I loved it. I remembered holding my hands behind my back to remind myself that soccer was only kicking.

          I remembered dribbling past my father shouting proudly after me, ‘folks, I think we have a natural!’ even though there was nobody else on the field.

          God, I had forgotten about that until this very minute. And it had been so meaningful to me then and so funny, the image of my dad cheering for me from the sidelines on my soccer games.

          I sat there, resting my head on the back of the bench for a long time, until, as though in a dream, I heard footsteps and shouts and the beloved thunk of a foot against a soccer ball. I opened my eyes and watched, startled, as a group of little boys took over the field.

          I watched them kick around and play. They are so cute and happy, those faces of an innocent angel. I was dazzled by them because they have that sparkle, the kind of sparkle that you can only see through looking so deeply.

          I was more entertained when one of them came to me because their ball went to my direction.

          “Noona, can you hand me our ball please~” the smallest boy said to me.

          I get the ball and pass to him. “Here you go,”

          “Thank you,”

          “What is your name little guy.” I asked.

          “My name is Yoogeun, and you?”

          I smiled at him. He is so adorable. “I’m sulli noona, do you mind if I play with you?” I don’t know why I asked that. I haven’t touched a soccer ball since I was diagnosed. Is this my heart wants? To feel it once again, the feeling of freedom…?

          Yoogeun nod