Sulli's Point of View

          They say that we should love our self-first before other people learn to love us…

          …but it’s not as easy as it seems,

          Sometimes, we need someone to accept us and love us first; then, we would learn to see ourselves through that person’s eyes and learn to love our self.

          But not many people know when love really starts…

          …more than friends, but not quite like lovers.

          A delicate relationship like this changes gradually once it is noticed, and keeps on blossoming, just like the changing season.

          A lot of people think that I am a strong child because they always see me smile and never cry even though the world had given up on me. Wanna know why I’m like that? It is because I learn about happiness. It has given me hope for myself and my future. But because I learned about it, I feel lonely for the first time. It is just mean that I’m not having enough.

          Around me is full of negativity and downfalls but I’m trying to light it up by smiling. What I didn’t know is I’m losing my own happiness in the process. It is good that you are helping with other people but don’t forget about yourself too. Because I know unhappiness, I understand happiness for the first time. It is the best portion of your life. The small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to us…

          I want to have a taste of that moment though I’m running out of time…

          JongIn always visits me at home whenever he got a free day. If he can’t, he will give me a call during his free time and then, he will talk how his day went whether it is good or bad. He never asked how I am feeling because he knows I don’t like that kind of questions. I think he set up a rule in dealing with me. Good for him though, I really think he is a worthwhile guy.

          JongIn sigh on the phone. “I’m sorry I can’t visit you today. I still have some schedule to finish.”

          “It is alright. You can’t be with me 24 hours.” I said to comfort him.

          “But I want to see you.”

          “Why? Are you missing me already?”

          “If I say ‘I miss you’, will you be happy about it?” he asked back.

          “Why would I be happy about it?” it is the little dance that we always do, asking each other back until one of us surrender. Mostly JongIn gave up first since he is being kind to me and since I am so stubborn. My mum always complains about that attitude of mine but I didn’t care, it is who I am and I love myself for it. “I don’t care if you miss me.”

          “Why are you like that? Didn’t y miss me at all?” he is literally complaining on the phone.

          I wanted to laughed at him but I hold it in. “no, I didn’t miss you.” I answered bluntly to mock him.

          “You are really mean.” He said.

          I can’t hold it in any longer so I exploded in laughter. “Yah, don’t be sad, I’m just kidding.”

          “How could you do that to me? You are always playing with my feelings.” JongIn sighed.

          “I’m so sorry. It is just that your reactions are funny.” I said, still laughing.

          We talked more on the phone. He babbled some unimportant things but I still find it interesting. Sometimes, I will still make fun of him but his patience is so long that he couldn’t run out of it.

          Most people are bored in listening on other people’s stories especially when they have nothing to do with it. They like to talk more about themselves but if they continue on being like that, who is going to listen to them? When they, themselves are getting tired of listening. Human minds are really hard to understand. Am I like that too? Am I hard to understand?

          JongIn continues to tell me some stories until he needs to say goodbye. “Don’t worry, I will find a vacant time to visit you again.” He said, sighing.

          “Stop it.” I ordered.

          “Stop what?” he seemed confused on what I’m talking about.

          “That ‘breathing thing’ that you’re doing.” I pointed out.

          JongIn think for a second. “Breathing thing? I don’t know what are you saying.” He sighed again.

          “See! You did it again!” I accused.

          “You mean sighing?”

          “Yes,” why people are doing that? I don’t understand why. “Did you know that every time you sigh, a little bit of happiness escapes?”

          I thought he would make fun of my logic but to my surprise, he agrees to it. “Okay, I won’t do it again.”

          “Good,” I said. I heard someone talking to him on the background. “I think you need to go now.” I was ready to hang up when he stops me.

          “Wait! I just want to say one more thing.” He took a deep breath first. “I miss you.”

          I smiled. “I miss you too, JongIn.”

……..

……………….

          I was drawing up in my room and then after a few hours, I gave it up. I don’t feel like drawing today. I walked over to the window and forced it open. It was hard going because I had not opened this room to actual air ever since we got here. The paint stuck a bit as I wrench up the sash. Oh.

          The air came in and it did feel good. It was nice, open like this. The breeze blew around some of the papers on my desk, but I didn’t mind.

          I heard my mother downstairs in the kitchen. I thought of telling her about my feelings to JongIn. I’m sure that I’m feeling something new, and different about him. He was kind and caring to me an