I really ing hate the country.

The garden behind the mansion was huge. Baekhyun and Chanyeol had been exploring for almost a half hour now, looking for the groundskeeper who was apparently working outside. Every path they took was still muddy from the rainstorm.

I hate everything.

“Hey! Look!”

Baekhyun glanced up as Chanyeol ran ahead, excited about something. “Is it the groundskeeper?”

Chanyeol shook his head so Baekhyun walked over to stand by him. They were looking at a row of flowerbeds. There were nearly half a dozen and each had been made in a long, rectangular shape. A new plot had been dug next to a bed of yellow flowers. It looked to measure almost two feet by over six, and was fairly deep.

Suddenly, Chanyeol jumped into the hole.

“Chanyeol what are you doing.”

“Just watch. I bet I can...” Chanyeol lay down in the plot, then grinned up at Baekhyun with his crazy wide smile, “See! I fit perfectly!”

“Jesus, Chanyeol! Get up! That’s not a ing sandbox!”

“It’s actually kinda comfy...”

“Chanyeol!”

Chanyeol got to his feet. Giving Baekhyun a sheepish look, he held out his hand, “Can you help me up?”

“Like hell! You’re full of dirt!”

Chanyeol wiped off his hand and offered it again.

“You two looking for something?”

Baekhyun jumped and turned around. Xiumin stood behind him. He was wearing a red newsboy cap and matching shirt, and carrying a shovel. He raised an eyebrow at Baekhyun.

“We were looking for you, actually.” Baekhyun replied, wishing Xiumin hadn’t shown up in the middle of Chanyeol being a child. “We have a couple of questions, about the case.”

“I was wondering when it would be my turn.” Xiumin stuck his shovel in the ground, “Come on, then. Let’s get this over with. I’m due for another break soon, and I don’t want to spend it with you guys.”

Insulting. “Do you mind showing us the way back inside?”

“Might as well.”

“Don’t forget about me!” Chanyeol called, still trying to climb out of the plot.

Baekhyun forgot.



“Let’s get started right away.” Baekhyun said, when they were back in The Study. “I’ve already interviewed everyone else, and they all made mention of you appearing in each room on the first floor of the house last night. Can you explain to me, in detail, what you did, saw and heard in each room?”

Xiumin rolled his eyes.

What?! “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just...” Xiumin sighed, “This is gonna take awhile.”



By the time Xiumin returned with the deliveries for the mansion, Kris and his guests had finished eating dinner. Xiumin stopped by The Kitchen first, where Kyungsoo was cleaning up. There wasn’t much to drop off there, but Xiumin ended up staying longer than he would have liked, listening to Kyungsoo about his underappreciated cooking.

After that Xiumin dropped by The Ballroom with a box of more dumb unicorn . The music was up on blast and Lay was dancing around the room with this zoned out look on his face. Kai was dancing nearby, next to that creepy unicorn bust. Before Xiumin turned away he remembered seeing Lay bump into Kai, which was funny because Lay didn’t seem to notice at all.

The next time Xiumin looked around, after putting the box away, Kai was gone.



“Kai just disappeared from the room?”

Xiumin shrugged, “Can’t blame him if he did. Creepiest ing room I’ve ever seen.”

Baekhyun couldn’t argue with that.

“So next you made a delivery to The Conservatory?”

“A delivery? Ha. No way. Nobody gives a about that place.”

“Suho mentioned you were there.”

“Yeah, because he dragged me in there.”

Baekhyun leaned back in his chair, pen at the ready. “Go on.”



Xiumin walked down The Hall, carrying the box containing Kris’s book order. He’d almost reached The Library when Suho popped up from out of nowhere.

“I hope that’s something for the plants.” Suho said.

“What plants?”

“The plants in The Conservatory.” Suho said, as Xiumin lay down the box outside The Library. “They’re dying.”

Xiumin raised an eyebrow at him, “Reeeeeeeaaaaally.”

This seemed to set Suho off. As he pulled Xiumin to The Conservatory he went on and on about the plants, whose job it was to take care of them, how they needed water, and a bunch of other Xiumin didn’t really pay attention to. When he did pay attention, it was only so he could make a reply that would piss off Suho.

Honestly, why did Suho care so much about the dumb plants? For that matter, why should Xiumin? He had work to do and breaks to take.

At one point, in The Conservatory, Xiumin noticed Kai. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against a table of plants. Taking a break from dancing, maybe?

And Suho was still going on about the plants.

“Hey, if I’m not getting paid to do it,” Xiumin finally said, “I’m not doing it.”

“But they only need water!”

Was there no getting through to this guy? “If you’re that bothered about it, water them yourself.”

“Fine! I will!”

Xiumin hadn’t been serious, but Suho apparently was. He marched over to the windows. That was when Xiumin noticed Kai, on his feet now and seeming to stagger a bit- drunk, maybe? He was making his way towards Suho, which brought Xiumin’s attention back towards the man in the green coat.

He was trying to open the window. In the middle of a storm, Suho was trying to open a ing window.

Xiumin ran across the room but not in time to stop it. The moment Suho got the window open it was yanked out of his grasp by the wind and blew inwards. Xiumin shut his eyes and covered his face against the sudden onslaught of rain, wind and everything else the storm carried in. Faintly, he thought he heard a crash, but between the howling wind and music still blaring from The Ballroom, it was hard to tell.

When Xiumin finally managed to pry his eyes open, he realized the window had smashed and there was glass on the floor. Nothing he could do about that now. Xiumin grabbed Suho’s arm and started dragging him towards the door; they couldn’t stay here. He looked around but couldn’t see Kai. He must have left after the window blew in.

Once they were back in The Hall with The Conservatory door closed behind them, Xiumin let go of Suho. “Are you ing senile?!”

Suho was shaking from shock and cold; his green coat and ugly old lady hat were drenched. “I just wanted to water the plants...”

“Then consider them watered! It’ll be lucky if they don’t drown after tonight!”

Suho looked ashamed. Sighing, Xiumin said, “Look, why don’t you just go to your room and dry off or something.”

“Yes... I think I’ll do that. Maybe I’ll just go to bed.”

“Whatever.” Xiumin started down The Hall to retrieve The Library box. He hadn’t gotten far when Suho hesitantly called out to him.

“There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, actually...”

“WHAT.”

“You see, it’s the trees. The ones outside. They’re losing their leaves and-”

“You know what? the trees, Suho! the trees! I am on my BREAK.”



“That’s rather different than the version Mrs. Suho told me.” Baekhyun said, “He neglected to mention the window.”

“Do you really expect people to admit to all the dumb they do?”

Touché. “So did you go on your break then?”

“Nope. I still had to deliver the books to The Library, because Kris needed them for Ace’s bedtime.”

“Ok, so- wait. What? Who?”

“I’ll get to that. Don’t worry; dumb abounds.”



Xiumin had just dropped off the box to The Library. Backtracking to The Billiard Room, he poked his head in, only to see Kris was in the middle of a pool game with Tao. Why they even bothered playing, he didn’t know. They were both at it. Kris appeared to have sunk one ball, but that was probably only by chance. Or knocking the table.

Noticing Xiumin, Kris put down his pool cue, “Is the delivery here?”

“Yeah. I left it in The Library, like you wanted.”

Kris straightened his collar awkwardly, “Yes, well, I’ll go sort that out now. Take your time planning your next move, Tao. I might be awhile.”

After Kris had left, Xiumin walked over to the pool table. Tao, meanwhile, was trying to line up his next shot.

“What the hell are you doing? You don’t want to go for that angle at all.”

Tao glanced up, “Why not?”

“Here, I’ll show you.” Xiumin held out his hand for the pool cue, but when Tao passed it to him he realized a pool cue it was not. “What the ? What is this thing?”

“A wushu stick. I brought it with me from home, in case I had time to practise.”

“Yeah, ok, but this is pool. You use a pool cue for pool, a wushu stick for wushu.”

“But I’m more comfortable with it. Pool cues are weird.”

“No, they- You know what, never mind.” Passing Tao back his wushu stick, Xiumin picked up Kris’s discarded cue. “Move over.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to make the shot for you.”

Tao’s face brightened, “We’re cheating?”

“No, we’re speeding up Kris’s failure. It’s completely different.”

Tao looked extremely pleased.

In the process of winning Tao the game, Xiumin noticed Kai. He was in the corner of the room, by the door that led to The Conservatory, slumped against the wall like he was asleep. Whatever. Not Xiumin’s problem.

After he’d given Tao a distinct advantage, Xiumin replaced Kris’s pool cue. “Ok, now you make a shot. Whatever kind you like.”

“Why? Can’t you just win the game for me?”

Xiumin gave him an annoyed look. “That would be way too obvious. I don’t want to get fired. This is a good set up for me.”

“Fine.” Tao pouted, but still lined up his wushu stick with terrible aim. Just as he made his shot, Kris called out from The Library for Xiumin. Startled, Tao missed the ball completely, while Kris called out again. Xiumin thought he heard a grunt, but Kris’s second call drowned it out.

Tao was getting ready for another shot when Xiumin left The Billiard Room through The Library door.



“So Prince Kai was just sitting in the corner of The Billiard Room?”

“Pretty much.”

“And you didn’t question that at all?”

“Pretty much.”



“What?” Xiumin asked as he entered The Library, leaving the door to swing shut behind him.

“I can’t find it!” Kris was digging through the box Xiumin had brought in, throwing books over his shoulder after checking the covers, “Where is it!”

“Where’s what?”

“‘The Roaring Buffalo’! It’s Ace’s favourite bedtime story!”

Xiumin gave Kris’s back a very judging look.

“Is there another box?!”

“Not of books.”

Kris was panicking, “Help me look for it! It has to be here! Ace can’t get to sleep without it, and I lost his last copy in the move!”

Xiumin cast a dubious look at Kris’s stuffed alpaca. It was perched on the large chair Kris had dragged to the middle of the room, awaiting its’ bedtime story with all the enthusiasm something that wasn’t alive could muster.

Xiumin couldn’t wait for a new employer.

“Come help me!”

Rolling his eyes, Xiumin went over to help Kris.

Not long after that, Xiumin noticed Kai stumbling in through The Billiard Room door. Kris didn’t, since he was too absorbed in looking for the book. Xiumin watched as Kai staggered to the chair and picked up Ace, who he hugged to his stomach. As he slumped away, he stubbed his toe on one of the books Kris had thrown on the floor. Kai cursed just as Kris held up a book from the box and exclaimed, “Found it!”

“Hm? Did you now?”

Kris’s smile slowly melted to a frown as he stared at the cover, “Xiumin, you bought the wrong copy! This is ‘The Rolling Buffalo’! This one gives Ace nightmares!”

“Hey, don’t blame me. You wrote down the book list. It said ‘rolling’.”

“I distinctly wrote ‘roaring’.” Kris scowled as he got to his feet, “But this will have to do for now. If Ace wakes up in the middle of the night screaming I may have to rethink how much I pay you.”

Xiumin wasn’t worried.

Kris started to walk over to the chair. When he reached it he froze, dropping the book. “Ace! My baby! He’s gone!”



“You’re joking, right?” Baekhyun asked.

Xiumin held his gaze, completely serious. “No.”



After Xiumin had finished calming down Kris and taking his break in The Study, he went to The Lounge to set up for Luhan and Sehun’s date. Really, why did they need so many candles? Putting them all up and then lighting them all was such a pain in the . Couldn’t they just-



“Wait.” Baekhyun said, “What about The Study?”

Xiumin’s eyes widened a bit, “What about The Study?”

“You skipped over it completely; what did you do in The Study?”

“Uh... I ate.”

“In The Study?”

“Yeah. It was my break. So I ate. In The Study.”

“Was Chen there?”

“Sorry, who?”

“Prof. Chen. You gave him a tour of the gardens earlier yesterday, or so he said.”

“Oh. That Chen. Yeah, he was in The Study too.”

“And what was he doing?”

“You know. Studying.”

Oh come on. “And did you see Kai at all, in The Study?”

“Nope. Can’t say that I did. I was too busy to notice.”

“Too busy eating?”

“Yep. Eating. In the Study. That was what I was doing. Chen- er, Prof. Chen- was studying. In the Study. Yep.”

“How long was your break?”

“Fifteen minutes.”

“That doesn’t seem like a very long break.”

Xiumin shrugged, “I get a break every half hour.”

Baekhyun wondered if Kris knew that, then he stopped wondering because he didn’t really care.

“Fifteen minutes. Was that enough time for you to... eat?”

Xiumin smirked. “Oh yeah. It was plenty.”



Xiumin was halfway through setting up The Lounge when Luhan came in. Offering Xiumin a brief smile, Luhan walked over to the bar, where he place a wine glass of some kind of brown liquid.

Ew. “What’s that?”

“Bubble Tea.” Luhan said, still smiling. “Chocolate. Sehunnie’s favourite.”

Luhan left after that. A few minutes later, Sehun came in. He was carrying a wine glass too, except the drink in this one was purple.

“Over there.” Xiumin said, when he saw Sehun looking around the room unsurely. “On the bar. That’s where yours is.”

Sehun glanced at Xiumin, then put the glass down and left, not saying a word. Really, that Sehun. Such a social guy.

Just as Xiumin finished lighting the last candle, Kai staggered in from The Hall, still clutching Ace to his stomach. He stumbled over to the bar and picked up the glass of chocolate bubble tea with his free hand. Taking one sip, he spluttered and put the glass back down. Trying the other, he spit that out too and actually dropped the glass. Lurching away from the bar, he fell against The Dining Room door, which opened under his weight.

Wow. Kai must have been crazy drunk.

That’s when Luhan and Sehun came in again, this time together, and Xiumin forgot about Kai. At least, he forgot about Kai until he went through The Dining Room with another box for The Kitchen and found his dead body.

“Kyungsoo!” Xiumin called, “You-”



“Then we got Kris, and he called you guys, and you pretty much know the rest.” Xiumin leaned back, crossing his arms, “There. Happy?”

Not really. “So let me get this straight; you saw a ‘drunk’ Kai stumbling through the entire house last night and it didn’t once cross your mind to approach him?”

“Not once. I’m a groundskeeper, not a ing butler. I don’t get paid for that .”

“Right. I forgot.” Baekhyun rubbed his temples. This case was going to drive him insane. “Anything else you’d like to mention?”

“Yeah, it’s time for my break.” Xiumin pushed himself to his feet, then tipped his cap sassily at Baekhyun, “Good day, detective.”

The groundskeeper had just left when Chanyeol reappeared in the doorway, clothes full of mud and smiling from ear to ear. He took a step forward, “Baekhyun, you’ll never guess what-”

“Back it up, Chanyeol. You’re filthy and as long as I have to work in here I don’t want dirt all over the place.”

Chanyeol took a step back, but started bouncing excitedly on the spot, “So you know how you left me back in that garden? Yeah, well after I got out of the hole and found my way back I came in through The Kitchen, and Kyungsoo told me there’d been a call for us, so I called back and it was from SM!”

Baekhyun perked up. I’m getting promoted? Shinee got fired?

“They finished examining Kai’s body!”

Oh. That. That’s ok too. Sort of.

“We know what killed him!”