Live, Laugh... Love?

[PG-13]

(pt3)

~Love?~

>>Hey, seriously, what was your problem yesterday? It was just a kiss!<<

>>She only kissed me because the guy really wanted to come at me. I told him I didn’t want anything but he just wouldn’t stop. So I gave Yuri the signals to get me out of this and this was the first thing she thought of.<<

>>I don’t see how we did anything wrong.<<

>>You’re acting like a kid, Taeyeon. If you won’t tell me what your problem is, then I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I should say sorry for.<<

>>I don’t think I did anything wrong but if you do, then tell me what it is, for heaven’s sake.<<

    Taeyeon read all the messages at least twenty times. And it was her dozenth version of the reply that she typed in.

    She has regretted her decision to act so childishly and not listen to Tiffany last night. The fact that Yuri only kissed her to get the guy to back off a little was something that already made her feel ten times better than last night.

    On the other hand, Tiffany did kiss back, and she also told Taeyeon that she was ‘not into girls’ anyway so what should she say? How should she explain why she reacted the way she did without revealing her feelings for her? She was now sure that Tiffany didn’t feel the same way. Or else, why would she have said that?

    But she couldn’t act like this forever, right? She didn’t want to lose Tiffany when it’s been such a short time since they’ve known each other. At least, too short for her to let it end here.

    Her first idea was to just deny everything. A message along the lines of ‘I don’t know what got into me, it must have been the funny cigarette or something.’ But she knew Tiffany had a really sensitive BS detector. Especially when it came to her. It was no use lying to her.

    After deleting and rewriting the message another three times, Taeyeon finally took a big breath and hit the ‘send’ button.

>>You kissed her back.<<

    She was trembling and her heart was thumping crazily as she waited for a reply. She almost immediately regretted her decision to word it the way she did but it was already out there, she couldn’t take it back. She the TV but couldn’t concentrate. She kept glancing at her phone on the couch next to her but she received no reply.

     ‘Would this be the end of it then? Would Tiffany not want to see me again because of this?’

    It seemed like at least half an hour passed by and still nothing when she heard the buzz of the doorbell. ‘Didn’t Yoona and Sunny take their keys with them?’

“Going,” she said, walking to the door and checking her phone one more time on the way there.

“He—Fa—mm!?” Taeyeon’s phone dropped on the floor as she felt Tiffany’s lips on her own and her tongue slipping into with ease. After a moment of shock, she pulled her closer by her jacket as she responded to the kiss, feeling all her senses on overdrive and her brain stop for a minute. Tiffany’s lips between hers, hers between Tiffany’s, brushing together, slipping, sticking and pushing as their tongues danced against each other carelessly… it all felt so real, it was almost unbelievable.

    Tiffany broke the kiss.

“See?” she said a moment later, a little out of breath. Taeyeon released her grip on her jacket. “You kissed back too, right?”

“What…?!” Taeyeon had a bad feeling about how casual Tiffany looked after what had happened just now. She felt like she could run up the tallest mountain and back from what had just taken place.

“I only kissed her back because I was surprised, I didn’t even notice! But, well, you did that too, right?”

“Well, yes but—” ‘Really? This is how our first kiss had to happen? Well… probably our one and only too.’

“But you were surprised, I know! I was too, that’s why—”

“No, you don’t kiss someone back just because you’re surprised!” Taeyeon shook her head incredulously.

“But you just did!”

“But that was because… because… ” Taeyeon wasn’t sure how to say this.

“Because what?”

“Uh… ”

“You dropped your phone by the way,” Tiffany pointed at the floor, and Taeyeon finally picked it up, closing the door behind Tiffany. Tiffany took her shoes off.

“Sit down,” Taeyeon told the other girl as she followed her to the couch.

“Look, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal that Yuri and I kissed.” Taeyeon turned off the TV. “It’s not the first time it happened anyway,” Tiffany said as she took her jacket off and sat on the couch. ‘Okay. That’s something I really didn’t need to know.’ “It’s not like I’m gay or something but I thought you were better than that, you know.”

“Better than what?”

“Making such a big deal out of two girls kissing. By the way. If I didn’t kiss back, it would’ve been only too obvious what Yuri was trying to do there. Plus, you kissed back too even though you seem to be pretty much repulsed by it so really, it’d be nice if you stopped being mad at me.”

     ‘Repulsed? She thinks I was repulsed by her kiss?’ “Why do you care so much about what I think of this?”

“Why do I care?! Because you’re my friend and I love you, that’s why?” ‘Did she just say she loves me?’ She took hold of Taeyeon’s hands. “Look, I may not give a damn about what some strangers think about me, and I may not care if you don’t like every single thing I do, but I do care about you and I do care about us, okay? And if you’re so appalled—”

“I’m not appalled. It’s not like that,” Taeyeon mumbled, heart still on a rampage. She couldn’t help but hope again, at least a little, after what Tiffany’s just said.

“Then why were you acting like that last night?”

“Because… ” Taeyeon could barely hear her own voice and couldn’t look into Tiffany’s eyes. ‘Because I wanted to confess to you last night, that’s why. Because I thought I’d be the one kissing you at the end of the night and not Yuri.’

“Because what?” Tiffany leaned closer to hear Taeyeon better.

    She was too close. “Because… ” Taeyeon didn’t think. She just did it. She kissed Tiffany. She couldn’t get out the words but the one swift move probably spoke for her feelings just as well, if not better. She captured Tiffany’s lips but she didn’t do more than that. Unlike Tiffany, she was too shy to initiate a kiss involving tongues but just feeling the warmth and softness of Tiffany’s lips between hers again was enough to make her heart flutter like nothing else.

    When they broke apart, she glanced up to look into Tiffany’s eyes but she had no idea what to think of the way Tiffany was looking at her. She definitely was surprised but Taeyeon couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

    Tiffany turned away, letting go of her hand and stared ahead of herself as she gulped. Her face was flushed. Taeyeon never saw her embarrassed like this before. “Since when?” she asked, and that was it. Taeyeon was sure of it now. Nothing good could come out of that tone.

“Does it really matter?” Taeyeon asked back weakly, not wanting to humiliate herself any further.

    Tiffany looked at her. She must have understood what that meant. “I’m sorry.”

    Taeyeon’s heart broke.

“I’m sorry too. I was going to tell you last night but… ” she sighed.

“I’m really, really sorry,” Tiffany whispered, burying her hands in her hair as her elbows rested on her knees.

“There’s not much you could do about it.”

“I know but I really thought we were good friends and… I just… I should have noticed or something… ”

“I tried not to be too obvious so maybe that’s why.”

“No, you were. You were pretty obvious, looking back but… ” Taeyeon’s face burned too now. “You know how I don’t like to over-think and over complicate everything. I just kinda ignored when something was a little off. Even last night… ” she rubbed her forehead. “,” she cursed under her breath. Taeyeon was, once again, unsure of what to say. There was a long minute of awkward silence. “I meant everything I said earlier though,” Tiffany continued, “and I really, really don’t want to lose you as a friend. Do you think we could still…? I mean, would it be hard for you to stay friends like this?”

    Well, before Tiffany confirmed that she didn’t feel the same she thought she could. But this felt a thousand times worse than she ever remembered feeling in her life. Could she continue being reminded of that every single day just for the sake of their friendship?

“I don’t know, Tiffany.” It was back to that. Tiffany. It just came out that way. Not ‘Fany,’ not even the occasional ‘Miyoung;’ Tiffany. The other girl looked down into her lap. “I really, really don’t want to lose you, either but… I don’t know.

“I think I need a little time to think things through.”

    Tiffany nodded. “Well… can you at least come and let me do your nails every now and then while you figure it all out?” she asked. “You still won’t have to pay.” Taeyeon was going to interrupt but Tiffany continued. “And you can just stop coming if you really can’t… deal with it or something… ” Tiffany finished weakly.

“I don—”

“Hey, unnie, are you feeling be— Oh, sorry to interrupt.” Seohyun said as she realized they had company. “I’m Seo Juhyun,” she introduced herself as she stepped out of her shoes and into the living room, bowing to Tiffany, “and you must be Tiffany unnie, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice to finally meet you.”

“Yes, you too,” Tiffany bowed back a little. “Um, I think… I think I’m gonna leave now.”

“Oh, you don’t have to, because of me or anything, I’m just gonna be in the bedroom anyway, I won’t interrupt you two.”

“Oh, no, it’s… I guess we’re done talking for now, right?” she looked at Taeyeon.

    Taeyeon found it hard to look back at her so she just nodded to her feet.

    Tiffany stood up. Taeyeon followed, while Seohyun headed into their shared bedroom.

    After putting her jacket and shoes back on, Tiffany hesitated for a second before wrapping Taeyeon into a tight hug.

“I’m expecting you for your appointment next Thursday, okay?” she whispered into Taeyeon’s ear.

    Tiffany’s scent had clouded Taeyeon’s mind. “Okay.”

“Good,” the girl replied as she pulled away. “I really am sorry,” she said once again, tucking a strand of hair behind Taeyeon’s ear.

    Taeyeon could hear the sincerity in her voice without having to look up. But she forced herself to do so anyway at the touch. “Yeah, me too.”

“See you, then,” Tiffany gave a weak smile.

“Yeah, see you,” Taeyeon tried to reciprocate.

“Thursday, 3:30.”

    Taeyeon just nodded.

“Bye.”

“Bye Tiffany.”

    And Taeyeon closed the door.

*

    Taeyeon ended up not going to get her nails done that day. Instead, she did her own nails the next day because she didn’t want to be reminded of everything that happened whenever she looked at her hands. Everything else around her was just as good a reminder anyway.

    Whenever she walked past the station that she left from when they met up at their usual spot, whenever she heard a song that they listened to or sang together, even just seeing the fried corns on the street that they shared once… every little thing made her think about Tiffany, and she just didn’t know what would happen if she’d actually have to face the girl like this.

    She’d probably die.

    At the same time, every moment of the day she wished she could see her, talk to her, have fun with her or just sit next to her without saying a thing just like how they used to do. But that evening, when Tiffany rejected her, made all the hope that kept her going before dissipate and was replaced by a bitter sense of disappointment and pain that she was unable to get rid of.

    If she had the chance to actually process what Tiffany was asking for when she hugged her goodbye, she would have said no. Yes, she didn’t want to lose Tiffany. But she loved her. And she needed some time to clear her head and try to get over her, or at least get over the fact that Tiffany doesn’t feel the same way about her. And a couple days only definitely would not suffice for that.

    She was fighting a war inside ever since that day though. Should she go or should she not? She wanted to see Tiffany, badly. She missed her severely. But wouldn’t she just make things worse for herself if she fulfilled that wish? Give herself false hope again, torture herself with sticking to something she knew she had no chance at getting? She’s heard the term before that love is like a drug and now she understood why.

    She didn’t want to be an a**hole though.

    Fifteen minutes before her appointment, she made her final decision and sent a message to Tiffany.

>>I’m sorry, I can’t go today.<<

    Tiffany replied a few minutes later.

>>Oh… It’s okay, we can reschedule.<<

     ‘No, Tiffany, we can’t,’ Taeyeon thought and she wanted to cry. She didn’t cry on the day the confession happened. She was too much in shock to actually comprehend it all. She cried almost the entire day after, however. The others didn’t know what to do with her. She finally confided in Sunny when they were alone, and told her what happened, but neither the crying nor the talking seemed to get any of the weight off her chest.

    She hasn’t cried or talked about it with anyone since.

    She just redid her nails a day after she should have gone to the salon, and that was it. She tried to move on. Maybe, once her heart would finally catch up with her brain and understand that that was it, that Tiffany and her wouldn’t ever be together, she would be able to look her in the eyes once again without feeling like she’s suffocating.

“Taeyeon-ah?”

    And there it was. That suffocation. She unintentionally met her eyes as she glanced up in surprise. She almost dropped the bag of onion ring chips she was about to take off the shelf. Never once throughout their friendship had she accidentally bumped into Tiffany, and now, here, in the middle of the supermarket…

“H-hi,” Taeyeon stuttered. ‘Stupid.’

“Hey, how are you?” Tiffany asked awkwardly.

     ‘Do I really need to lie to her about this? I look like sh*t, I walk like I have lead balls chained to my feet and I’m dressed like a hobo. What do you think?’

“Sorry,” Tiffany said, “I guess that’s a stupid question.”

    Taeyeon finally remembered to lower her arm that was reaching out for the bag before.

“Why… why didn’t you come though? Why didn’t you write back?”

    Taeyeon just stared at Tiffany.

    She was trying to convince herself for the past week that she’ll find someone better sometime soon. But how could she? Tiffany was perfect.

“Look, Taeyeon, I really… I miss you… a lot,” Tiffany fiddled with the basket in her hands, “and… I wanna talk to you.”

     ‘Are you trying to rub salt in my wounds? You should know that I miss you just the same, probably even more than you do.’ It felt too good and too painful for Taeyeon to hear these words from Tiffany. She looked down at her feet.

“So you won’t talk to me at all now?” Tiffany scoffed. “Great, the only person I still… ” Tiffany’s voice cracked. Taeyeon looked up at her. During the almost six months of their friendship, she’d never seen Tiffany cry. Yet here she was now, standing in front of her, eyes misty with tears. She shook her head as she wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said weakly. “Can we at least talk about things somewhere? Just… a half hour or something?”

    Taeyeon was so confused, she was literally unable to say anything.

    Tiffany waited and Taeyeon just felt like her brain had become a blank piece of paper. ‘What should I say to that?’

    Tiffany sighed.

“Well, then… I guess I’m just gonna s— Oh, sh*t,” Tiffany squatted down to pick up the scattered fake pearls from her bracelet. It must have gotten caught in the ring on the strap of her purse and ripped the elastic.

    Taeyeon reacted with a moment of delay, helping Tiffany pick up the pink and white pearls from the double bracelet. “You don’t… you don’t have to… ” Tiffany said with a sniff, but Taeyeon didn’t really take in her words. Everything in that moment just felt completely surreal to her.

    When they finished collecting them all, they both stood up and Taeyeon handed Tiffany the pearls. As the other girl stretched out her hand and offered her already pearl-filled palm, her wrist was barely covered by the single remaining bracelet on there. Taeyeon was shocked to see that beneath the tattoo Tiffany has mentioned before, which was an English word she couldn’t make out at that moment, there were clear marks of healed cuts on the snow-white skin.

    opened to say something but she didn’t know what.

    Tiffany noticed the stare and she quickly snatched away the rest of the pearls and threw them carelessly in her bag before saying goodbye and walking off in a hurry.

    Taeyeon’s heart finally calmed down but her brain was still processing what had just taken place. She felt so stupid, so guilty, so pained at seeing Tiffany like this.

    She didn’t think that what happened between them had affected Tiffany the same way it did her but from the way she was acting just now, it looked more like Taeyeon had just broken up with her instead of her having been rejected by Tiffany.

    The next day, Taeyeon decided she’d at least send an apology to Tiffany. She didn’t want her to feel as miserable as she did at the moment, and she could barely sleep at night just thinking about all of it. How Tiffany was tearing up, how she told her she’d missed her, the way she looked at her… And she couldn’t stop thinking about what she saw right before Tiffany left. The scars. ‘When did she get those? Why would she do that to herself?’ If there was anyone in this world Taeyeon could think of that was really confident and strong and happy with herself, just to be herself, it was Tiffany. But apparently, she hasn’t always been that way either… The obvious hit her harder than ever before. That she too, that Tiffany too was a human being after all, just like Taeyeon.

>>I’m sorry about yesterday. To be honest, I was a little shocked and just didn’t know what to say.<< she wrote.

>>I understand. But I really think we need to talk. Dinner date tonight…?<<

     ‘And this is why it’d be best if I kept away from her for a while.’ A dinner date. A dinner. Date. Taeyeon’s heart still went crazy just reading that one word. She’s called it that before, Tiffany did. Whenever they went out for dinner, just the two of them, she’d call it that. But it wasn’t funny anymore. ‘Are you playing some kind of a cruel joke on me?’ Taeyeon thought, although, deep down, she knew Tiffany wouldn’t do that.

    She wished she could say yes but this message just further confirmed how she would probably delude herself into seeing things the way she wanted to with every word and every look and every touch that came from Tiffany. Either that, or they’d just be horribly awkward and that would be even worse.

>>I think I need some time, Tiffany. To figure out how to go on from here.<<

>>How much time?<<

>>I’m not sure.<<

>>But you promised…<<

     ‘I know, Tiffany, I know. But this might just be one of those rare cases when a promise is better broken than kept to.’

    Tiffany tried calling her that night several times, but Taeyeon decided it was better not to pick up and give both of them false hopes.

*

    Taeyeon felt something heavy push down the bed next to her on both sides of her body. “Are you really such a deep sleeper or are you just trying to ignore me?”

     ‘Huh?’ Her brain was still half in dreamland to understand what’s happening around her.

“I said, wake up Kim Taeyeon.” Taeyeon frowned at the familiar voice and scent, and the poke that followed along.

“Lemmesleeeb… ” she mumbled, covering her face with an arm as there was no blanket on her body.

    The person who, she now realized, was on top of her, tried to peel the arm off unsuccessfully.

“Well, okay, two can play this game, Taeyeon.”

     ‘Wait. Tiffany…?!’

    Taeyeon felt something warm on her bare stomach, not even warm, it was hot and soft. Once, twice, three times, going upwards on h—

    Lips.

     ‘What the—’ “TIFFANY?!?!” Taeyeon shot up in her bed and immediately bumped her head hard into the ceiling. It wasn’t a good idea to do that on the bunk bed. But it was not like Taeyeon really had the time to think it over.

    Tiffany hissed along with Taeyeon. “That must’ve hurt,” she said, biting her lips. “And good morning to you too,” she grinned widely as Taeyeon stared at her with round eyes.

    Her heart was pumping out of her chest. She didn’t understand.

“What— How— Why— How did you get in here???” she ended up asking, still utterly shocked by the fact that Tiffany was freaking on top of her!