Tao was hoping to somehow become the wall as he was pressed against it by Sehun. The kiss died shortly after it had been initiated, because Tao wasn’t kissing back. In fact, he was pulling away. Sehun awkwardly removed himself from Tao, and looked to the floor, cheeks burning a furious red.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” He said, voice low.

No, you shouldn’t, Tao thought. He was still stiffly lining the wall, afraid what would happen if he moved. When something like holding hands would send Tao into a panic attack, why would anyone try to kiss him?

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that you have been so kind to me and that… I’m not capable of these things. But I just can’t, Sehun.” Tao’s voice shook. It was not that the kiss had been that uncomfortable, but Tao simply wasn't used to physical contact.

“I understand. You didn’t like it when I touched you before, or when I hugged you. I should’ve known… I should’ve understood the rejection then.” Sehun sounded like he was blaming himself. Tao didn’t know which was worse; that, or the panic attack he was having from the kiss.

“Don’t, it’s not your fault. I really want to be able to return your feelings Sehun. Believe me, I do.”

Sehun got up, straightened his shirt and fixed his hair.

“Sometimes you take a chance, and it doesn’t work out. But you’re still happy that you took the chance because otherwise you would never have known. Right?” He said, smiling sadly at Tao.

“I guess so.” Tao got up too, limbs stiff and uncooperative.

“I’ll see you around, Tao. Thank you for coming.”

“Yeah, see you… and thank you for being you.” As Tao spoke the words, he saw himself doing something he never thought he’d do. He pulled Sehun into an awkward hug, still clueless as to where his hands were supposed to be. But it felt nice.

Sehun said goodbye to Tao at the front door, waving as he walked out the garden gate. Tao breathed in the chilly evening air. Usually, he didn’t like walking outside when it was getting dark, but tonight, he needed the walk to clear his mind. Hopefully he’d reach the hotel before it got too dark.

As Tao turned down the alley of the hotel, he thought he heard someone cough behind him, but shrugged it off. It was nearly completely dark, the streetlights contrasting the black sky and the wind picking up. Tao increased his walking speed. He was exhausted from a long day of new experiences, and all he desired was a bed and some silence.

Half a minute passed before Tao recognized the sound coming from behind him as footsteps. The alley was completely empty except for Tao, and as it turned out when he turned to check behind him, some other guy walking in the same direction as Tao. He was a few hundred meters behind. Perhaps he was just headed the same way as Tao, coincidentally. Probably. But Tao started walking faster, even if that was the case. When he turned his head a while after, he noticed the man had done so, too, decreasing the distance between them. Tao halted. The hotel wasn’t far away.

“Who are you?” He shouted at the other man. Maybe Tao was being silly, the other man was probably just tired stranger hurrying home like Tao. But as he neared, Tao thought he recognized the jacket. The man from the café… A hat was keeping Tao from seeing his face, but it was definitely him.

“Stop following me!” Tao shouted before turning around, walking the fast few hundred meters to the hotel breathing heavy and moving frantically. When he stepped inside, walking to the reception, he was almost gasping for air, shivering. He almost jumped in surprise halfway to his room as a voice sounded behind him.

“Something wrong?”

Tao turned to see a worried Kyungsoo, holding a stack of clean towels.

“No I just… thought someone was following me on the street.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened, he looked like someone whose worst fear had just been confirmed. When he spoke, his voice was firm, almost strict.

“Don’t walk alone at night.” The words were simple. But what had the biggest impact on Tao was the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes. It told him that he should definitely listen to the smaller male, even if he wasn’t sure why.

“I’ll… be more careful. Thanks. Goodnight.” Tao nodded at the smaller male, who shot a measured glance at Tao before nodding. “Goodnight.”

Tao threw himself right on the bed, kicked off his shoes and threw only his jacket off the bed before falling asleep in his clothes. Too many things had happened that day.

“Sorry if I were being rude yesterday. I just keep hearing these awfully scary stories about young people being assaulted after dark.” The hotel manager was at his seat, behind the desk, when he looked up at Tao, who was about to exit the hotel.

“No, it’s okay. It was silly of me to be out that late. I just wanted some fresh air, is all.”

“Good. So, besides that, are you enjoying the stay here? Finding any answers?” the smaller man politely asked.

“I am enjoying some parts. It’s nice to be back but so many things have changed, I need to adjust.” Tao explained.

“Time flies. Struggling to keep ahold of what you know is hard enough. I can imagine it being even harder with what you’re not sure of.” Kyungsoo spoke, looking thoughtfully into the distance. “But on you must go. Take care, will you.”

In many ways, Kyungsoo sounded like a mix of a concerned mother and a wise old man. But he wasn’t either, and that put Tao on edge. He decided not to think more about that, and instead try to plan out what he wanted to say to Baekhyun when he arrived at his apartment shortly.

He had no luck, as usual spending the cab ride hyper-aware of the stranger in the seat in front of him, analyzing his every move and trying very hard not to break down. Tao found himself in front of the entryway to Baekhyun’s building, staring at his name on the buzzer, much too soon. He pressed it, hoping for the best.

“The Byun’s. Who is it?” Same voice.

“Huang Zitao. I am here to speak to Baekhyun.” Tao nervously spoke.

The other end went silent. A minute later, Tao heard a buzz and pushed the door. He walked to the sixth floor. He was eager to see Baekhyun again, but afraid that this meeting might end even worse than the previous one.

“You won’t let me go, will you?” Baekhyun said as he opened the door.

“I just want to talk to you. It’d be easier if you would listen.”

“Sure, why not. Come on in.” Baekhyun had the expression of someone who had already seen the worst this world has to offer, and thus has become fearless in some sense.

The apartment was small and worn out. A paint job would really help, but in order to paint, you’d have to first throw out all of the useless stuff that lay strewn across every horizontal surface in the various rooms. Actually, Tao was sure the worth of the apartment would rise by about 90 % if you just cleaned up the kitchen.

Baekhyun showed him to a chair by the wobbly dinner table. Tao sat down cautiously, not trusting the plastic chair one bit. Baekhyun threw himself in an identical chair opposite Tao. He folded his hands, elbows resting on the table, chin resting on his hands.

“So. You wanted me to listen. I’m listening.” Baekhyun stared indifferently at Tao. This was going to be hard.

“I didn’t want to leave you.” Tao tried. Baekhyun sighed.

“No, please, listen. I woke up one afternoon to my mom who looked like she had been crying, saying that we were moving the next day. She told me it was because my dad’s job had been transferred. I didn’t believe that. Still don’t, that’s partly why I’m here. But that’s a different story. I don’t… know how. But I know there was another reason.” Tao adjusted himself on the chair. Baekhyun stared mercilessly at him.

“I remember asking my mom if I could write to you and Chanyeol, because I wanted to stay in touch with you. God, I missed you. My mom said we didn’t have your address. She didn’t like talking about this place, so I quickly gave up. I never really got to finding new friends. Something’s wrong with me. Social interaction and especially physical contact unnerves me. I never forgot about you. I came back hoping to find you. Just... know that I didn’t want to leave you.”

Tao ended his ramble earlier than he'd thought. Baekhyun looked intrigued, but not convinced.

“I know you have trouble trusting people… I understand only too well. But please believe me.”

“You know, do you? Then, do you know what has happened to me while you were gone, too?” Baekhyun spoke loudly, surprising Tao.

“I… heard some stuff. Only after I came back. I never knew…”

“No, you never knew. Nobody knew. I wasn’t supposed to know. But I did.” Baekhyun was speaking fast, anger in his tone. The first few tears rolling down his cheek alarmed Tao.

“You told me why you left. Now let me tell you what you missed out on. When I was around 10-12, nobody knows for certain when it started, a man who really liked cute kids discovered me. He kidnapped me multiple times, used me and dropped me off back at my home address. Nobody knows how many times he did this. I didn’t even know it was happening at the time, because he drugged me. The drug he used made me forget all about the kidnappings, the time when he used me. He only ever did it for a few hours, that’s how nobody noticed. It worked fine, I had no clue, my parents had no clue, everyone was ing happy and ually satisfied. But then I ed up.” Baekhyun smiled maniacally.

“I became immune. The drugs stopped working. I ended up remembering everything, remembering his face, the things he’d do… I started running before he could catch me whenever he came looking for me. That’s how he knew he had to change tactics. So he did. He started threatening me. He told me he’d kill my family if I told anyone. Beat me up a few times to prove that he was serious. I had to pretend like I was fine so my family didn’t know. I was so scared. He kept using me. And I remembered every time. Still do.” Baekhyun cleared his throat, looking down.

“The day my father found out, I had been too sore to walk properly. I remember hating myself for letting him find out, because I thought it would mean the end of me and everyone I loved. I told my parents everything. My mom sobbed and my dad raged. I, most of all, wanted to die. My parents called the police, and sure enough, the knew who the guy was. They were chasing him already, as he’d used other kids too. At the police station, I overheard an officer telling my parents that one of the kids that had been used had committed suicide. That’s when I decided what I wanted to do.”

“Of course, they wouldn’t let me. I cut myself. They wrapped me up in bandages. I ate pills. They made me puke the whole mess right back up. I starved myself. They forced me to eat. I ran out of options when they started watching me all the time to make sure I wouldn’t try to kill myself. I was never alone. I was disgusted with myself. I hated my body. I hate my body. Can’t let anyone touch me, everything hurts. It's like... he owns me. And everybody knew. I almost wished they'd never found out. The way people look at you when they know... You never get a chance to try and forget, because it becomes everything you are. That poor kid who was abused.”

“The best part is, I didn’t just ruin my own life. I ruined my parents' too. I drove my mother crazy with my suicide attempts. I disappointed my dad with my lack of interest in fighting for my life. In the end, they couldn’t take it. I told them they should’ve just let me kill myself. I was worthless anyway.Then I left. And that’s pretty much where we are right now.”

Tao wasn’t sure if he should say anything. He felt destroyed. When he had heard that Baekhyun hadn’t been fortunate, he had not imagined anything of this magnitude. No wonder Baekhyun looked broken. In fact, he looked incredibly intact compared to how he must feel.

“I… don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry Baekhyun. I didn’t know.”

“So if you think I’m angry with you for leaving, then yes, I probably was at some point. But from then, everything has simply gone so much downhill; I don’t think I care anymore.”

What do you tell someone who’s so broken, they can’t be fixed? Silence and nothingness filled the room, and Tao had a pretty good idea of how Baekhyun felt about silence. In Tao's experience, ff nothing claims your attention, your mind will wander to what is breaking you. The loss of your parents. The state of your abused life.

“My parents passed away two months ago. Car crash. I came back here because I knew they hadn’t told me the truth about why we moved. This all sounds insignificant now because, well, it is. I don’t know what to do with my life.” Tao studied Baekhyun’s fingers as he spoke.

“So we’re both ing miserable.” Baekhyun darkly said.

“I heard Chanyeol’s doing well.” Tao pointed out.

“Chanyeol’s a .” Baekhyun snapped.

“Did he leave before or after you knew about…”

“After. But mentally, he left me around the same time as you left.” Baekhyun stated bleakly. “I can’t really help you with your problem. I’m sorry.” Baekhyun got up.

“It’s fine.” Tao replied as he got up, too. He desperately wanted to hold Baekhyun, to somehow heal the boy. He knew he couldn’t. Somehow, he felt they were the same. The way Baekhyun moved, the way he carefully avoided putting himself in situations that craved physical contact. The brokenness in Baekhyun seemed to correspond with the asive emptiness inside Tao.

“It was kind of nice seeing you again, Tao.” Tao felt his heart heat at the words.

“Take care.” Tao really hoped he would, but it was pointless saying it. “Goodbye, Baekhyun.”

“Goodbye, Tao.”

Most of the goodbyes Tao had ever experienced had been awkward, because people wanted to shake hands or hug or the likes. But both Tao and Baekhyun seemed content with the distance between them as they bowed and Tao walked out the apartment, Baekhyun closing the door after him.

Had Tao been any other person, he had insisted on staying to comfort Baekhyun. But Tao knew that he needed time to process what Baekhyun had told him - preferably alone. The pain Baekhyun felt had not come just now. Besides, Tao was sure that healing Baekhyun would be mentally craving and time consuming, and that it would not matter if he waited one day to start, so he could gather his own thoughts first.

Walking towards the hotel, not feeling for taking a cab and having a panic attack at every move made by the driver, Tao felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

From: Sehun.

Hello Tao. I hope you’re ok, I’m really sorry about what I did yesterday. I should’ve known better. I just wanted to check if you’re ok. Text me if you feel like it.

Tao breathed in heavily before letting the air back out in a long sigh. He didn’t know what to do about the whole Sehun-situation. He was really happy to finally have a friend - simple as that, uncomplicated friendship - and then Sehun had to develop a crush or whatever on Tao. Of course it wasn't something he could control, and Tao wasn’t angry with him. He just thought some distance between them would be the best right now.

He walked another ten meters before feeling the phone buzz again. How eager was Sehun? Pulling out the phone, Tao was relieved to see it was just Kris calling. He hesitantly answered.

“Hey, it’s Tao.”

“Tao! Thank god, I thought you lost your voice or something.” Kris spoke loudly, relief washing over him.

“Don’t be silly. You know I don’t like talking over the phone.” Tao spoke, hushed for some reason.

“I know you don’t like talking at all.” Kris sounded like he was blaming Tao, who became irritated at an instant.

“What do you want?” He snapped, more harshly than he liked.

“I…” Kris hesitated, taken aback by Tao’s harshness. “I just wanted to check if you were ok.”

“I’m not. Never have been.” Tao said, again, unnecessarily harsh.

“But is everything going well? Have you found your parents’ house?”

“I found it, yes. It didn’t hold any answers. Nobody seems to know or want to tell me the truth. I’m sorry but I have to go.”

Tao hung up before Kris had the time to answer. Why did Kris keep caring about him? Tao treated him awfully. He never asked for sympathy, but Kris kept wanting to take care of him, to help him. Why couldn’t he just understand that Tao wasn’t a healthy acquaintance for him?

Tao knew, he knew all too well why. He didn’t want to acknowledge Kris’ feelings, because then he’d have to deal with thwem. So he kept trying to push Kris away, hoping for those feelings to somehow vanish from the face of the earth. They never did.

Arriving at the hotel, Tao didn’t see Kyungsoo anywhere. He shivered at the thought of the creepy man from the day before, but he was nowhere to be seen. Locking himself in and throwing himself on the bed, closing his eyes, Tao wanted to disappear as well.

Tao dreamt the same old dream he had been dreaming for so long that night. Only, something was different. Something was very obviously different. All the times he’d dreamt it before, usually there’d been the black-haired kid and sometimes a few other kids around him. But none of the kids had visible faces. This time, one of the kids had a very familiar face. Under curly brown hair was a large pair of eyes and a full, cute mouth. The kid that disappeared this time was Baekhyun. 

A/N: things are getting crazy now ok. the next few chapters are going to be very hard to write, but you can look forward. it's gonna be good (hopefully) (if i don't go down with a depression because of the sadness) so maybe you'll have to wait for it