Nine years after the move

Tao woke up in his bed. He still hadn’t gotten used to waking up alone in an apartment; he always felt like something was missing. The obvious truth to that feeling fed the chaos in his head. It was dark, so he knew he should just go back to sleep. As he slipped out of the covers and walked to his kitchen for a glass of water, he thought of the recurring nightmare he had been having since his parents died 4 months ago. Or was it just a dream? Nothing really bad ever happened, but Tao felt uncomfortable thinking about it, like some knot made of feelings he didn't understand just grew in his stomach out of nowhere and he woke up with no idea how to untie it. The dream was usually followed by sweating, panting or nausea.

In the dream, Tao was back in his old hometown. He was not a kid anymore; he was a grown man walking in a neighborhood similar to where he once lived. It was the same every time he dreamt this dream - when he walked by a house that uncannily resembled his childhood home, he would notice a small, dark-haired boy running in the garden in front of the house. A large, grey van would then pass by the house at an alarmingly high velocity. Tao never managed to get a good look of the driver's face, and a few seconds later the van was gone, and the small boy too. Tao would feel shivers down his spine, lasting even when he'd wake up.

No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t make out what the dream meant. The boy resembled himself, yes, and the house looked familiar. And somehow, the van did too. But he couldn’t place the van or the owner in his mind, and he'd never heard of anyone being kidnapped like that. It felt odd and well-known at the same time and Tao couldn’t decipher what it meant. He had literally lost contact with everyone he had known back then when his family moved to the other side of the country. He remembered attempting writing to his best friends at the time, Baekhyun with the bright face and Chanyeol with the loud laughter, but he only knew their first names, and when he asked his parents to help him find their addresses, they became all serious-faced and silent. Eventually, because he was a kid and kids adapt well, he let it go. But he never forgot his old life.

As he looked out his kitchen window, a stray dog passed in the backyard, seemingly clueless about where it was going. He felt he could relate well to the dog, his life too being a fruitless fumble in the dark, and went back to his bed, letting his repetitive dreams of past mysteries catch up with him.

The dreams of the bright house and the sunny town he grew up in had him sleeping uneven and living unfocused. He had not been to school for four months. He had been studying to become an architect, but with his parents, he also lost the will to pursue a career. His parents had been the people closest to him. As a child he used to have many friends, but when his family moved to their new city, Tao encountered severe social barriers. He didn’t want people to come too close, he was afraid of touch and he had developed trust issues. Now, he was 19 and hadn’t even had a girlfriend. He wasn’t interested for some reason he couldn’t quite comprehend. He had two people in his life he would consider friends, also the only two human beings he had interacted with after his parent’s death, if you don’t count the investigator of the car crash they died in. It was a solo accident, so much was settled after one week and Tao was left alone in a resoundingly empty house full of agonizing memories of love and security. He’d decided to move to the apartment when he had slept only two hours in eight days.

One of his two friends, a tall blonde named Kris (who had a talent for looking uninterested and careless, though he was nothing like that) woke Tao up the next morning by repeatedly knocking on his door. As Tao opened the door and greeted the slightly taller male - an indifferent nod being the best Tao had to offer, Kris' facial expression turned  concerned and sympathetic. The blonde deliberately strode past Tao, who was wearing an old robe, messy hair and a sleep drunk expression.

“Would you look at you. You look miserable, Tao.” Had it been anyone but Kris, Tao wouldn’t have been hurt. It stung in the pit of his stomach, close to where the knots conjured by the nightmares also resided.

“I don’t sleep very well.” Tao muttered, turning his back on Kris as he walked to the kitchen to prepare two cups of coffee, a drink he had become fond of while studying and now had a hard time quitting.

“You need to see someone. Are you still dreaming the same thing over and over again?” Kris sat down at the small, square dinner table. Tao regretted telling him about the dream as he poured the hot water.

“Yep. Every night. It still doesn’t make sense and it creeps me out. I’m thinking of…” Tao trailed off, not sure if Kris would like the idea. He took the two cups and went to join Kris at the table.

“You’re thinking of…?” Kris motioned for Tao to continue.

“I’m thinking of going back. I found the name of the city and some pictures of our old house in my parent’s house last week and the thought has been nagging ever since they died that... something is weird. I need to go back and at least try to put it right, whatever it is that is wrong I mean.”

Kris looked at Tao carefully, examining his features. Then, having decided on what he thought of the idea, he sat up, expression business-like and important.

“Ok. That sounds alright, and I’d like to discuss that, but I actually came here to discuss another issue, one that is indeed relevant if you’re thinking of leaving. Chen and I are having severe problems defending your absence at school. Teacher Zhang approached me yesterday. He said that even if he understands why you would need a break, it’s not something the system will tolerate. Four months is too much. If you don’t come back in less than a week, you’re getting kicked out. You going to have to start all over again if that happens, so I’m begging you Tao, consider coming back. This is your future.”

Tao had reached a conclusion as soon as Kris mentioned school. “I’m leaving. If that means I get kicked out that’s fine with me, I understand the consequences. Don’t worry Kris.”

Kris felt a sudden urge to reach out for Tao’s hand, to assure him that he trusted in him even if this was not the smartest of decisions, but he had to repress the urge. It had been very clear from the first day they met that Tao was not one for physical contact, hesitating when he was required to shake hands with strangers as well as acquaintances. As Kris got to know Tao, he willingly sacrificed physical interaction - if that was what was needed to come close to him, then that was it. Instead, Kris looked Tao in the eyes and forced himself to smile at the beautiful, sleepless mess sitting opposite him.

“I understand. I don’t want to worry about you Tao, because I know you’ll be fine. But I can’t help it, I worry. When do you think you’ll be leaving?”

“Tomorrow. Actually, maybe even tonight.” Tao looked at his cup, uninterested in his coffee that was going cold. Kris felt a twitch in his chest as he processed the consequences of what Tao had said.

“Already?” He tried not to sound hurt. “Are you going alone?” Kris knew the answer, and decided to rephrase. “I mean, I could come with you. I don’t think you should travel alone in this state…”

“You’re still planning on graduating, right? You need to stay here with Chen and study, and you need to complete what you started. There’s absolutely no reason for you to come with me. I’ll be fine on my own, don’t worry. And it’s not like I’ll be gone forever. Maybe a month or two, you’ll survive.”

Kris felt like the air around him became heavier, his feelings pressing on, wanting to get out; he was fighting a n outburst. He didn’t want Tao to leave, he wanted to come along and make sure his friend would be alright. And he wanted more than that, much more, and these were the things he could never tell Tao, because he knew the rejection would send him to the absolute bottom of everything. Christ, Tao wouldn’t even let him hold his hand, how much clearer did he need to be? He watched as his crush got up, signaling that the conversation was over. It was settled. Tao was leaving and Kris was being left behind.

“You have to call me. Or just write. Don’t get lost.” Kris felt desperate and was sure that was how he sounded, too.

“Sure. I’ll see you soon, ok?”

Tao was at the door and Kris was outside, not sure how they’d gotten there, but in mere seconds the door was closed and Kris was left staring at the nothingness,  with a searing pain in his chest that made it even more obvious how much better a hug from the unapproachable younger male would've made him feel.

Tao wasted no time as he packed immediately after Kris had left, deciding on the transport form that would require as little contact with the outside world as possible; driving in his parent’s car. He showered determinedly and fast, muscles moving with more energy than they had in months. He locked his apartment door behind him, left the building and threw two large sports bags in the trunk of the car before he drove to his parent’s house nearby. The last nine years of his life rummaged through his head, threatening to short-circuit his brain, as he entered the house he had been afraid to enter for the past four months, telling himself he just hadn't had any reason to go there. Everything was as it had been the day he left. He took the familiar route to his old room, purposefully not stopping to look at the family pictures and memories plastering the walls, and grabbed the few things he needed. On the way back to the stairs, he caught sight of an open door. Tao shivered as he cautiously neared his parent’s old bedroom. Why was the door open? Tao gripped at the handle, wanting to close the door and leave as fast as he could, but before he got so far, his eyes found his mother’s and he was petrified. The picture was about five years old. His father had taken it on a night that they had been out to eat, and Tao’s mother had held Tao's hand as they walked back home. Tao remembered the sounds of the street and his mother’s laughter, the smell of food and pollution mixed together and the feeling of safety and stability. As he took a step towards the picture, reaching out for it, the tears started falling silently, but he didn't notice. When he reached the bedside table, grabbing the photo in his hand, his vision was blurred to the point where he couldn’t see clearly because of the stream of salty water, but the image of him and his mother in each other’s arms, happier than ever, was clear in his head and burning in his veins. He fell to his knees, hugging the frame tightly, feeling the knot inside him turn and the longing for those warm, comforting, long gone arms becoming unbearable.

Tao woke kneeling by his parent’s bed, the picture of him and his mother still clenched in his hands. His eyes stung, and his cheeks felt sticky. As he got up, his knees hurt to the extend where he felt they were broken. He hadn’t cried since his parent’s funeral, he remembered the day clearly. It was five days after the accident that stole them from him. At the time his life was a blur of crying, screaming for air in the middle of the night, sleeping but never feeling rested and not eating. He wouldn’t have been at the funeral had it not been for Kris and Chen waking him up, showering and dressing him up and taking him there.

Once in the church, Tao remembered feeling completely numb. He could not cry, had no more tears. He stared at the matching coffins and the priest behind them, a face so wrinkled and grey and worn by time, Tao did not want to hear the precocious things he had to say about his dead parents. The priest hadn’t known them and never would.

At the funeral

Tao clenched his fists. He felt anger, he was done feeling sorrow. The only people that had ever meant anything to him were gone and this priest thought he could tell him not to feel sorry. He actually thought that his words could convince Tao that everything would be okay. That there was a meaning behind all this agony, that, if he just gave it some time, the world without his parents would become bearable to live in. Tao felt the intense stares of Chen and Kris. They were all he had left, and they were nowhere near enough.

His muscles tensed and he stood up so fast, Kris had no time to try to keep him down. The priest slowly and lazily turned his head to face Tao, shock painted upon he face as he felt the young boy’s piercing glare. Tao breathed in and screamed at him.

“What do you know? You didn't even know them! You didn't appreciate them and nobody else did! There was only me, and they were all I had! How dare you even speak of them!” Tao’s words rang through the church, the acoustics of the building making the few other guests shiver. He didn't care about anyone else in the church and he wanted to keep yelling, but words didn't form in his mouth like he wanted them to. He was now out of both tears and language, and as he felt someone push at his shoulder to make him sit down, he couldn’t find the energy to resist. He sat down quietly as the priest snapped out of shock and continued speaking, though now unsure of his words. Tao settled for staring at the floor, not listening for the rest of the ceremony. He felt his body falling, deeper and deeper, and there was no end. He did not remember exiting the church or how he got home.

The priest hadn’t been right, of course he hadn’t. Tao missed his parents just as much right now as back then, time had done nothing for him. Life had not regained any kind of meaning. Tao had spent the past four months waiting for someone to tell him how to keep living, as the only thing he seemed to know how to do was breathing, and what kind of life was that? His nightmares had eventually convinced him that a part of him was trapped in the past. If that part of him was just the tiniest bit more willing to stay alive than he was right now, chasing after it would be worth it.

Tao gathered all the remaining strength in his body, got up and exited his parent’s house without looking back. He got in his car and started driving. He knew his destination was at least two days’ worth of driving away, and the thought of being able to focus on driving and not on the mess that was his life was immensely soothing.

Tao kept driving hours after it had gotten dark. Keeping track of time was not his core competence these days, and as he pulled in at a motel, he glanced at his watch for the first time since leaving. 3:30 am. He indifferently rented a room and went to sleep in a tattered, unfamiliar and uncomfortable bed.

Tao woke up to the buzzing of his phone on the night table. Kris’ name lighted up on the screen, but just as Tao groaned and reached for it, the buzzing stopped. A few minutes later, Tao received a message.

From: Kris. 

Hey, I just stopped by your apartment but you weren’t home, so I assumed you left already. Don’t get lost and just call me if anything happens. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Call me whenever you get the time.

Tao turned and was close to falling asleep again, when he noticed that it was light outside. If he wanted to reach his destination today, he would have to get going. He got up, showered and got dressed. The receptionist was visibly concerned as she asked if he was not going to eat breakfast before he left. Tao knew he had become skinnier than what looked healthy, but shrugged it off and thanked the receptionist before he left.

It was getting dark as the signs on the highway started showing the name of Tao’s destination. The first time it appeared, Tao shivered involuntarily. His body tensed as he neared the mysterious town, not really knowing what to expect, but expecting a whole lot nonetheless.

A/N: sooo I know this is kind of boring and badly written and not interesting but the story is just starting. bear with me, you are my strength. peace out