*Seasons 

If it was because of the season change or not, neither of them would know. It was the end of summer and nearing fall as August ended and September started, the transition was always hard. In fact, a particular relationship wasn’t getting along very well either. Their relationship started last year, and slowly, problems came along and both had a tough time getting through it all. Their differences were just too hard to get along with. She was a bright girl with needs that ranged from latest trends to constant physical affections. He was a subtle boy who knew how to be satisfied with what he had. She liked parties and clubs, he liked town parks and cafes. She was fancy, he was simple. They were opposites and in this case, opposites did not attract.

          “I’m sick, I had enough!” she yelled at him. She always did, and it made him feel helpless. The way people looked at them either strangely or in a pitying way didn’t help at all, neither did her volume or vicious tone. “I’m so done with you Chen. I am so damn done.”

          He winced at the swearword. “Is foul language really necessary, Soyun?”

          She scoffed in disbelief. “You’re more concerned about my language than what I’m saying? What the Chen?”

          He sighed. “Come on, let’s sort this out calmly. You don’t have to scream at me like that. We’re in public!”

          She shook her head and picked up her Chanel bag, which he had bought for her for their one-year anniversary. “Screw it. Screw it all. Screw you. I’m done.”

          With that, Soyun got up from the bench, crossed the street even when Chen called after her, and called a cab to go to her home. Chen silently ripped his fingers through his black hair and hid his face with his hands. He knew people were staring at that very public argument. It was like this all the time. She would scream at him and storm away and he would go after her and comfort her. For a few days, she wouldn’t answer to his texts or pick up the phone, but she did on the third day or so. Soyun was a little kid, despite being nineteen. She was like an innocent child, all smiles and cute. But she liked shopping, luxuries, new things, and conspicuous places, everything Chen didn’t like. Still, he tried to put up with it all. She tried to fit to his taste too –they were at a park for today’s date. Even if Soyun hated parks because of dogs and lack of noise, she went for Chen. Chen was grateful for her efforts, but they were bound to crash if one’s favorites were the other’s dislikes.

          Soyun wasn’t a bad girl. She had a terrible temper but she was actually really sweet. That was why Chen fell in love with her in the first place. She was a bit shy and blushed a lot, which Chen thought was adorable. She was also very nice and did her best. She was clumsy so she always tripped or stumbled, and he was always there to catch her. Moments like that, he loved. She would go red and mumble an apology, all to Chen’s amusement. Their relationship headed down after six months. As she grew comfortable around him, she opened up to him, which he was glad, but then she started to speak up more and her opinions or suggestions really weren't to Chen’s liking. They tried sorting out but during the last few weeks they had bickered basically as soon as they made up. The intervals between the fights were getting smaller each time. Chen had his pride to protect and Soyun had her needs to fulfill. It was just not working out.

          He went on a walk to clear his head. After half an hour of doing that, he went to his favorite cafe, Hazelnut Coffeehouse. There, he got a cup of black coffee and a slice of strawberry cake. He gave himself thirty more minutes. An hour, and he would have made a decision. During the walk, all he did was let out his frustration mentally. Now, he was going to be his regular reasonable self and come down to a proper, logical decision that would be for the best. What was the best?

          Chen was going go to Soyun, whether to her doorstep or contacting her with the phone. That was not even a question. Next thing he had to think about was why he was contacting/going to her and what he was going to say. Why was he going? That he was sorry? For what – not remembering that today was their monthly anniversary? That was another thing that wasn't working out – he just couldn’t seem to remember that every twenty-sixth of each month was their anniversary. Some he caught on, some he didn't. He was busy with university work – couldn’t she give him a break? A year. It’s been over a year since they started dating and things haven't improved since their sixth-month mark. Then again, Soyun didn't ask for much. It was just luxurious items and remembering special dates. She didn’t need Chen to be with her every single second of her life or help her with everything or force him to introduce her to his friends. He did, but not to all, and she never rushed him. She was quite patient with him, actually. She let him have his study-time and went to cafes with him despite hating it. She was a good girl. He was just careless. Because he liked books, she read. Because he wanted to be a doctor, she encouraged him and even studied with him by reading his notes or quizzing him. And yet he couldn’t remember their monthly anniversary. It was important for a girl in general, so why couldn’t he do it? Chen growled almost inaudibly. It was his fault again. He quickly sent her a text.

 
To: Soyunie~

Message: Soyun-ah, I'm sorry. I won't forget next time, okay?

He clicked send and pocketed his phone. She wasn't going to reply until a few days. He would have to continuously text her too. He still didn't understand why she had to make such a big deal out of it, but perhaps it was because he missed out eight out of the thirteen times. It's been thirteen months. Maybe it was too many times. If making the same mistake twice wasn't smart, how stupid was eight times? Suddenly, his phone vibrated. He frowned at the screen. It was from Soyun. She actually replied? For some reason, he felt apprehensive. She never replied after a fight. The fastest was thirty-four hours. To his earlier question, Soyun answered it with the next text.

To: Chenie~

Message: It’s not just that.

Chen frowned.

To: Soyunie~

Message: What do you mean?

A reply came immediately. That was really unusual of Soyun.

To: Chenie~

Message: See? You don’t get it. It's just not in your nature, and I understand that. We're just not fit for each other, and I get that. It’s as simple as that. I think it'd be best if we just.. stopped this, whatever this is now. A relationship? Special bond? Whatever it was and whatever it is now, I think we should end it. Sorry for making things complicated for you.

The frown on Chen’s face deepened. Was she actually breaking up with him? A certain feeling surged through him and he knew it was dangerous to reply, so he put his phone away. He took deep breaths. She just broke up with him. For some reason, he felt relief. He knew it wasn’t right, but he felt relief. He felt better, easier. It felt like a burden was lifted from his chest. They could just be awkward friends, right? It was like an escape! His frown was replaced with a smile as he took a blissful bite of the strawberry cake and sipped his coffee. Then it hit him: wait. What about her?

          His heart fell. As much as he was relieved that they were no longer a couple, he still cared about her. In fact, that’s how their friendship started. He didn’t feel attracted to her at first. He thought she was a cute little sister type of friend. But when their friends about her crush on him, he started to see her in a different light. He felt his heart skip a beat when he saw her. He wanted to see her more, he wanted to talk to her more. And slowly, his feelings for her grew and blossomed in a different way. And now that their couple reign ended, all that was left was the sisterly love he had for her. She wasn’t a bad person, he couldn’t hate her. She didn't hate him either. His heart clenched in his chest as he closed his eyes. Right after he thought his problem was solved, a bigger one attacks him. He rested his head back on the cushion of the seat and kept his eyes closed. If they broke up, who would look after her? Would she be okay? Could she handle daily things without hurting herself? What if she feels lonely or moody, and there was no one to comfort her? She lived alone in her townhouse after all. Her parents were overseas most of the time. And just because she lived alone didn’t mean she could manage things completely independently. She would call him up to help her with recipes or instructions, or to move heavy things. Who would she ask now?

          Chen groaned. Just because of that though, he couldn't get back together with her. It didn’t seem like she wanted to get back with him anyway. Whatever the other reason for her breakup was – he didn’t know, and he was sure that Soyun wasn’t going to tell him. He sighed as he bit into his strawberry cake again. It wasn’t very sweet anymore. He checked the wall clock in the cafe – he had fifteen more minutes of thinking time. After that, he would decide what to do.
 
 

Soyun sniffed and wiped her tears away. After the last text message to Chen, she took her SIM card out. She wouldn’t be receiving tempting calls or texts from anyone. She wasn’t taking up offers to go to places with anyone. She was going to stay home and bawl her eyes out - no. She won’t. She wouldn’t. She wasn’t the victim here. She rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. She smacked her cheeks and tried to smile as she encouraged herself, ”Come on, Soyun!” But it was futile, and she knew it. Even if the smile stayed on her face, tears rolled down her cheeks and she began sobbing to herself again. Soyun hugged her knees but then recoiled immediately. There was a fresh bruise on her knee. There was a little bump from the entrance to the actual flooring of the house. It was slightly elevated, and her foot caught there again and she fell, bruising her knee. She frowned at it, but then she started crying again. She broke up with him because she needed to, not because she wanted to. All the thrill, the suspense, the excitement and the joy of thinking of being with Chen and actually being with Chen was all gone. It was a burden, a worry, and an unfriendly issue in her life. Fighting with Chen made her feel bad, ignoring his attempts at contacts worse, and now the breakup was a slap to her face. Her heart hurt so, so much. But she knew she had to break up with him, or they’d be suffering.

          She let out a chuckle. He’s probably jumping in joy, she thought bitterly. Chen, the good-looking, polite, manly, and ideal boy was hers, and now, not anymore. It was a big blow no matter what the situation was. She got up and took a quick shower – ten minutes. The puffiness of her eyes had died and her face was less swollen now. She would’ve texted her friends about the breakup, but not now. She needed some space, some time. Being the rebel she was, she didn’t blow-dry her hair. She let the water drip down her back as she simply towel-dried her hair minimally. Then, she went to the refrigerator and took out the tub of ice cream that had been tucked away in the deepest corner of the freezer. She didn’t need to look good for anyone anymore and now that winter was nearing, she needed her fat. Like a bear. She laughed, A bear I am, hey? She took out a spoon from the drawer and didn't bother to close it. She started digging into the sweet coldness of it. Another tear threatened to escape but she rubbed her eyes before it could fall. She wasn’t going to cry anymore. No, not today.

          She took the tub of ice cream and went over to her couch. She grabbed the remote and the TV. Her favorite show was on, and she was relieved. It would distract her, and she was right. Within the next few minutes, she burst out laughing and pointing at the screen. And suddenly, the actors ate pizza. She wanted to eat pizza. She hadn't eaten anything for awhile now. She used her home phone to call the pizza place instead of her cellphone, which was still turned off. She quickly ordered a medium cheese pizza with a bottle of coke. The price was exactly 2 man 3 cheon 500 won/ 23.50 dollars. It was always that amount – she ordered that much almost every time. They said they’d be here between ten to twenty minutes. Good enough. She hung up and went back to the couch and ate her ice cream. She knew it would spoil her appetite, but she could eat the leftovers for tomorrow or something. She continued to watch the show and laughed. It was a very entertaining and amusing comedy show series. Her friends thought it was childish and stupid, but to her, it was hilarious.

          And then, the doorbell rung. Pizza, she thought happily. “One second!” she called as the character finished talking and the scene shifted. It was her time. She dashed to the door and tripped on the difference in flooring level again and her knee banged against the door. “Ouch, damn it,” she gripped her knee and leaned against the door, groaning. “That hurt!” she mumbled to herself. Then she remembered why she was there in the first place. Wow, the pizza delivery guy must think I’m retarded. Oops. She laughed to herself mentally before he thought she was actually crazy. “Sorry,” she said as she unlocked the door and swung it open.

He winced when he heard her stumble. He couldn’t help but wince again when he saw her face change in the lightning speed of expectant and happy to immediate disappointment and sadness. Soyun had been expecting a confused pizza delivery guy, not her pitying ex-boyfriend. “What are you doing here?” she asked viciously, and he winced a third time.

          “I – er, wanted to see how you were…”

          “I’m fine.” That was a flat-out lie, and both of them knew it. Soyun hated how weak and hurt she sounded. This is what she wanted, so why did she sound like this? “Not that it’s any of your concern anymore,” she added to sound stronger, better, but it only confirmed Chen’s suspicions.

          He shook his head, “No, you’re not. Come on Soyun, are you okay with this breakup?”

          She snorted. “Do you think I’m a helpless little kid that can’t do anything without a boy? You’re wrong. I’m nineteen, I can handle myself.”

          He eyed her knee bruise, which freshly appeared all the time. She felt anger course through her, and embarrassment. Always embarrassment. He looked up at her with a small smile, but she didn’t smile back. The sadness ate away inside her. He reached out to touch her but she took a step back, away from him. “Soyun, if you really want to break up, we can.”

          “We already have.”

          “Okay…but think about it a bit more, won’t you?”

          “No. I thought this through many, many times. I honestly think this is the best…for both of us.”

          The way her voice softened near the end – Chen knew her intentions weren’t bad and out of spite. Her slight hesitation before saying that, the slight lag in her words – Chen knew she really did think this through, and it made him sad that she had to carry this burden too. “Will you really be alright? You always hurt yourself and get lost; you really worry me you know. And you always –”

          ”Stop, no…stop.” Her voice was no more than a whisper at the last word. She gripped the edge of the door. She didn't know how long she could hold back the tears. She wasn’t going to cry in front of Chen. It would only burden the kindhearted boy even more. Even if he was kindhearted though, he wasn’t right for her. Not every kind person got along with Soyun, especially when she was direct and specific. “Stop.”

          ”See? Soyun, you – the Soyun I know, you’re a child. Not in a bad way, no, you just – you can’t – darn.” He ruffled his hair with one hand. “You’re about to cry. How can I let you go at this rate? Before we started dating, you were like a little sister to me. Do you think I’ll stop caring about you just because we stopped being a couple? Come on, Soyun…I enjoyed us being together, you know? That clumsy Soyun I know – knowing you, I know you’ll end up lonely and hurting yourself. Don’t you want to think this over again?”

          Soyun shook her head. “No. We are done as a couple, one hundred percent, that’s for sure.”

          Chen smiled at her again. “If you’re alright with this, then so am I. Just remember that this was what you wanted, okay?” So sweet. His was voice was so sweet. He himself was so sweet. How could Soyun not collapse and cry on the spot? She bit her lip down, hard. Perhaps the shock of pain in her lips would keep the tears back. “You know, this might be the last time we see each other.” He was right. They go to different universities and this isn’t high school anymore – she wouldn’t be coincidentally or inevitably seeing him by the lockers or the hall. They weren’t neighbors either. They don’t work together, or study in the same field. They really might never see each other again, or talk. There was no excuse to talk to him anyway, ever. “Soyun,” he caressed her arm and she let him. She was so close to breaking apart right then and there. “Smile for me, won’t you? I hate seeing you so sad, sis.”

          Soyun really was at the brink, the edge.

          “Seriously Soyun, you really expect me to leave you like that? How can I, when I know you’re about to fall apart?” Chen was always caring and kind. He came to her and approached her gently like this even after she yelled at him in public, the thing he hates most, and dumped him virtually. That’s why Soyun fell in love with him – his sincerity, his consideration, his kindness. What kind of girl would not love a boy like Chen? “Soyun, it’s okay to be a bit selfish. Even if we’re no longer a couple, I’ll still act like your boyfriend until however long you need me to. Even if it takes a long time – days, weeks, months, years – I’ll wait until you can fully recover or rid yourself of your clumsiness and mature a bit.”

          Soyun

          was

          a single

          step

          away

          from

          yielding.

          “It’s okay. Stay with me,” Chen mumbled softly,

          Even if Soyun was a step away from giving in, she took two steps back. She wanted to break up with him, not the other way around. She had absolutely no right to drag him into her problems. They were no longer together. Even if they were dating, she still had no right to push her troubles to him.  “No. No, thanks.” Chen looked at her in a way Soyun couldn’t describe and suddenly, he seemed different. Not the boy that had been giving her stress for the past few months. She saw the brotherly friend she had seen just over a year ago. Finally, she smiled. The look on his face was replaced by pure surprise. She widened her smile and suddenly, the traces of tears were gone. She didn’t feel like crying anymore. “You’re right. I’m a clumsy and careless idiot, and I’m not okay. But I will be, and no, I don’t need to stay with you, or your assistance. And you probably already know this, I’m sure you do – I’d never be able to forgive myself if I had you help me.” Her smile turned lopsided into a friendly smirk.

          Chen smiled, not out of pity or sadness but of true pride. He felt proud of this sisterly friend of his. She was already maturing. “You really are amazing, you know that, sis?”

          The rue feeling gripped her chest, and Soyun knew her female mood swings were really kicking in today. She was going to cry any minute, but not this minute. The next maybe, but not this minute. Soyun kept the proud grin on her face for a little longer, “Yes. I am Soyun the Great. Thanks for dropping by…really.”

          Chen's smile was still on his face. “Anytime. Hit me up whenever you need to, got it? I'm here for you no matter what. As a brother, not a boyfriend, but nevertheless supporting you. It'll be no different. So don't hesitate, okay?”

          Soyun nodded instead of answering him because her tear-free minute was reaching its end. “Bye.” Before he could say his goodbye, she closed the door. She leaned against the door and shut her eyes. As she slid down against it, she clamped a hand to . Chen knew she was finally crying, but he couldn't knock on the door. She was Soyun, she would be okay…sometime. He would check on her tomorrow. Not now. Right now, she needed to release her emotions. Right now, she needed time to herself. Right now, she needed to be alone.

          And she did. She heard his footsteps on the cement and down the steps to her porch and she couldn’t hear them anymore. She was so thankful of his understanding and she let the tears fall continuously, wetting her cheeks. She cried and cried and cried, and when she heard the pizza delivery person come over, she didn’t answer the door. After a few minutes, he left with a cuss. Soyun continued to sob and eventually, she let out a loud cry. She was hurt, really hurt, but she wasn’t going to burden Chen. He was a friend, not her therapist or counselor. She went to her room and cried on the pillow. No faking when she was alone. Tomorrow she’d smile and tell her friends how pleasant the breakup was. It really was pleasant. Chen was caring till the end, and she appreciated that. Tomorrow, she’d put her walls up again, put that mask on her face once more. But now? Today? No. She was coming clean. She let her emotions take control of her and cried. She cried until burned and she felt lightheaded. She, Soyun the Great, cried herself to sleep over a boy she didn’t know if she’d ever stop loving. Yes, she loved him, but it hurt to love him, so it couldn’t possibly be the “real” love, right? Still, it hurt. It hurt her so much, and it hurt the Chen who had come to drop by a few hours later and heard her cries. It hurt the Chen who walked away after she fell quiet, fell asleep. It hurt the Chen who knew for a fact that Soyun would suffer, while he moved on.