Kelsey’s POV

*PRESENT DAY*

I looked away from the mirror and away from the memory of Henry. I still feel the same way about him. I even surprised myself at how much my love for him had stayed intact, never faltering once. He was doing well now. I heard news about him often through my best friend Janice. I had met her this school year and I learned quickly how she was a die-hard Super Junior fan. She told me about Super Junior M’s soon to be comeback and I had told her previously about my somewhat relationship with Henry. She believed me of course and told me I was an idiot for letting him go.

He would be debuting today. In fact their new song ‘Breakdown’ was written by Henry. On a Chinese talk show he said the song was inspired by a girl he knew and liked. He didn’t mention the name, but he said if that if the girl saw the interview she would know he was talking about her. I was going to watch the music video for the song today, Janice had insisted on us watching it together.

I was scared to watch it though. I knew that if I saw him, even through music video that I would burst out in tears. I missed him. I missed him every day of my life, and it was a pain I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemies. I regret, but also don’t regret letting him go at the same time. I knew that if I stayed with him, he would have given up on Super Junior M, and I couldn’t take that away from him.

I was in Janice’s bathroom trying to calm myself down. The anxiousness of seeing Henry for the first time in nine months was starting to seriously get to me. I felt like I was about to go to war against myself.

“Kelsey, come on! I want to see this already.” Janice called me from her room and I exited the bathroom and made my way down the hall. She was a really great friend, but she wouldn’t understand how much I missed Henry, I could barely understand it myself.

I made my way into her room and closed the door behind me. She was sitting in her chair next to her computer desk with the web page opened to the official SM channel. The music video stood paused at the beginning and waited to be played.

“I found it with English subs.” She said

“Oh… Okay.” She looked at me sensing my nervousness.

“Don’t worry about it Kelsey, you’ll be fine.” I nodded and pulled up a chair. The music video began and Henry was the first to sing.

The lyrics, the melody, his face, everything about the video made me burst into silent tears. The video continued and all I could focus on were the subtitles. The lyrics that made me feel the absolute guilt, regret, and heartbreak.

The first lyrics that brought on the tears were “Our conversations completely ordinary why is my heart beating exceptionally fast.” That made me remember all of our little innocent conversation that had me questioning why I was falling for this boy so quickly. Why I blushed every time he smiled. The next lyrics, “For you my armed heart breaks down, what’s left is my bare confession, my defenseless love. For you my emotionless mask breaks down. All of my expressions have revealed my adoration for you, even if I get hurt, I won’t feel regret; I want you to rely on me,” Those lyrics reminded me of the day he confessed. He had everything and he was willing to give it up for me. It reminded me exactly how much I hurt him, how I left when he asked me not to. It reminded me of the mask I used to put on every day before Henry came into my life. After those lyrics, there were more tears. However, my tears increased more when I read the part that said, “Along the way I remove my armor, running faster with all my might, I catch up to you, protecting you so you don’t get hurt. Even if I get covered in bruises, it doesn’t matter to me; it’s all for you. Yes, you can call me crazy. Actually, I think so too (but I can’t stop loving you).” I remembered the incident with Kim at the restaurant. How he yelled at her for me and gave me his shirt, I completely felt safe with him. I thought that was it, that I couldn’t feel any more heartache, but Janice was oblivious to my silent tears, and the video remained playing. “It’s like I’ve almost found myself again, but failed once more. Again you’re breaking me down, breaking me down. How many times have I gone far away, but comeback again? Love’s always breaking me down, breaking me down.” It was as if the video mocked me by repeating all the lines that hurt me over again. It was the final line however that made my heart shatter completely, “Loving you makes me completely Break Down.” It was over then, but I didn’t care. All I felt was sad, terrible regret. I wanted him back, so badly, with everything and all that I was I wanted him back. But how? I knew that I couldn’t reach him anymore if I tried. He was famous now and he had many fans. He wasn’t just my Henry anymore.

Janice’s clapping and squealing pulled me out of my thoughts. “Kelsey wasn’t that great!? Henry looked really nice in that video! But did you see Zhoumi and Donghae? My gosh they were amazing.” She finally turned to me and when she saw my red, tear stained face, her smile vanished completely. She pulled me off the chair and wrapped me in a hug that I desperately needed. I don’t know how it happened but I ended up on the floor with her still hugging me and me crying on her shoulder. I could hear her talking but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. All I could hear was my loud sobs and all I could feel was the painful throbbing in my chest.

Henry’s POV

I was sitting in the dorm with Zhoumi and Donghae, today was the day I debuted and I was incredibly nervous that I had not done well, and above all I was the one who wrote our comeback song. Ah…. That song. The song I wrote for Kelsey. Pain stabbed my chest at the mention of her name and a scowl made its way to my face. I couldn’t get over her. It had been nine agonizing months and I still wasn’t close to getting over her, if anything, I missed her more. Every time I was angry and I thought of her, my pain would go away, but it wasn’t replaced with happiness, only sadness.

“Stop thinking about her.” Zhoumi said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Who says I was thinking about her?” I asked. He always knew when I was thinking about Kelsey.

“Every time you scowl like that it’s because of her. Just forget about her Henry.” I was getting angry a lot lately. I was usually the calmest person in our family, but ever since the Kelsey incident, even the littlest things have been getting to me. My pre-debut fans have already labeled me as the ice prince.

“Don’t you think I tried? I don’t want to feel like this.”

“Do you think she saw the English subbed video SM put on the channel. It’s our first time doing that you know.” This time Donghae spoke.

“Yeah.” I said, “I’m positive she saw it. I don’t know how she’ll react to it though. She told me she didn’t feel the same way about me when I confessed to her, but I was so sure she did. There was something in her eyes; she looked like she was going to cry.”

“Don’t worry,” Zhoumi said, “You’ll get over her eventually.” Donghae just nodded.

I leaned my head back on the couch I was sitting on. I remembered the day I confessed to her. She really did have a look in her eyes. It was hidden deep in her glimmering eyes. I remember it so clearly because I can still feel the pain of it. It was a look I had never seen on her. It wasn’t longing or guilt. It wasn’t anger or frustration. It was a look that held sadness, like she was begging me to leave her. Like she wanted me to go. It was a begging look, almost as if she was trying to be harsh to me, like she wanted me to just accept it and let her go.

My eyes flew open. She did want me to accept it. It was sadness in her eyes! She knew I would give it up for her, she knew I would stay! She let me go so I could do what I wanted to do. All those feelings that I thought she had for me, she did have them.

I sat up and put my head in my hands. “I’m such an idiot.” I said out loud, mostly to myself.

“Nice of you to finally realize.” Zhoumi said sarcastically. I shot him a look that made him back down immediately.

I let out a sigh only now realizing it. Kelsey didn’t leave me, I left her…

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I cried writing this!!! It was sadder than last chapter. 

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