“If the situation is awkward, you go LA!”

–Lee Jinki

Name: Lee Jinki

Stage Name: Onew

Birth Date: December 14, 1989

Position: Main Vocalist, Leader

Of all 5 boys, he is the one I worry about the most. The eldest, the leader, the kindest, and the most fragile hearted.

Do you think it’s ironic, that I would worry about the oldest more than I would the youngest?

It’s ok, don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one. You only see what you are shown, only see what they are trained to show; see only what he chooses to show.

How does a 19 year old learn to be a leader to a group of barely grown up boys…when he himself wasn’t even grown up yet?

How does a 19 year old work through endless cycles of schedules, and keep his young members together, when he barely has the time to keep himself together?

You just do.

He was leader because of his age, even though he was barely older by much.

They were a young group fighting to find their way in the world; he was their young leader fighting to pave the way for his group.

You see his proud smile when Jonghyun belts his loud notes.

His amused smile as Kibum showed off his moves, his attitude, his smirk.

His kind smile as Minho tried his best in every rap and every performance.

His comforting smile as he watched the youngest dance in front of the cameras despite his age.

You see the smile he is famous for, that lights up his face, that hides his eyes; a smile so bright that you don’t look anywhere beyond that smile.

But you don’t see the reason for that smile he is so famous for. You don’t see that the smile hides his eyes so that you don’t see how tired he really is. You don’t see past the brightness of his grin, because if you go further, you’d see how nervous he really was, how his mind had already gone through every mistake he had made.

His smile is what makes him gentle, his smile that sets him apart from his other members. He has to smile, because if he doesn’t, people think he’s upset, and the last thing Jinki wants is for people to think he’s upset. The only image they need to see of him is of him happy, happy and smiling. That’s what he wants to show, and that’s what you see.

Of all the members, he injures himself the most. Slips here, falls there, tripping over things that wasn’t even there. You call it Onew Sangtae. You call it his charm, only adding to his quirky personality. He is quick to shoot out another smile, and accepts the name, and accepts his own sangtae. When he falls you see him get up, he smiles, continues, and pretends nothing happened. Under the stage lights, that smile of his seems to grow even brighter, it becomes so captivating you don’t think of anything else.

Because you don’t see him walk off stage, and you don’t see him break his smile until he is in the safe confines of the car, in the backseat, with a ice bag on his swollen ankle, and his eyes closed as he tries to keep the painful tears behind his eyes. He has papers in his hands, and rather than getting the rest his ankle needs, he asks for painkillers, and makes sure the rest of the members know their next schedule.

You think he falls just because he does. You think he falls because his sangtae doesn’t let him do anything else.

He falls because his mind is always everywhere at once. He falls because he’s too busy monitoring his boys, too busy offering a quick smile at Jonghyun’s long adlib, too busy to give a silly smile at Kibum chanting along with the fans, too busy to give Minho a high five in the middle of their choreography, and too busy watching Taemin dance, and giving a subtle pat on the back.

He is their leader, and it’s his job to watch over them.

He is the leader you see, a leader who barely seems like a leader. You think that a leader should be more outspoken, like Jonghyun. A leader should be stronger and not as clumsy, like Minho. A leader should be more attention grabbing like Kibum, or strong like Taemin. You see all those comparisons made against him, and you see him smile as he counts down to their introduction and introduce himself as SHINee’s leader.

You don’t see how he sits on the dorm couch alone and unmoving even when I come in.

You don’t see how he looks up at me without the smile he’s so used to giving cameras.

He has all those schedules and papers in his hand, but he doesn’t look at them.

He is the oldest, and it is his job to keep the group up.

He is the oldest, but who is there to keep his doubts at bay?

“Am I doing a good job hyung?”

“What are you talking about?”

“As SHINee’s leader…am I doing a good job?”

“Of course you are.”

“Jonghyun should be leader. He’s more outspoken, and he’s lead singer, he always gets people to listen to him.”

“Jinki ah…”

“Or Minho, he’s tall, and good looking, and kind. He always wins, and he’ll make sure SHINee will win too right?”

“Jinki.”

“What about Taemin? He’s growing up, he has a lot of noona fans, and he’s not klutzy like me, he doesn’t forget choreography, or falls down.”

“Stop.”

“Or Kibum. Kibum always grabs people’s attention, they’ll pay more attention to us with Kibum. Plus he can take care of us, he takes care of everyone now, I don’t even know how to make food for everyone.”

Those eyes that always hide when he smiles? You don’t see how sad and heart breaking they can be when he’s not smiling, when he has an unsuitable frown on his face.

“Jinki ah…stop. You’re SHINee’s leader, no one else.”

“They can be…”

Jinki was a confident, quirky 17 year old when he joined the company. He hid on the roof and sang out loud to the sky because training rooms were too busy. He took care of little Taemin when he first showed up in a teddy bear t-shirt, allowed Jonghyun to treat him like a dongsaeng even when he wasn’t, he let Minho brood on his own but never for too long, and let Kibum nag everyone, including him.

But he had a fragile heart, a fragile heart that tries to care too much for s, and not enough for himself.

A heart that seems too big for a still growing boy.

“Talk to your members Jinki ah.” He smiles at me. It’s not the smile you see on the cameras, it was a small smile that doesn’t brighten his face to hide everything, a smile that was easy to look past to see how conflicted he was inside.

“Aniyo hyung, they’re almost home, and I haven’t even started looking over their schedule. If anything, it’s the only thing I can do to help them. Kibum will be home to make dinner for everyone…”

He doesn’t talk about that anymore after that. He lets Kibum take over the kitchen, he lets Jonghyun take over dominating the dorm, and he lets Minho and Taemin dominate the couch. He sits in the corner of the kitchen table with his papers in silence.

The members don’t know about his inner turmoil.

Do you? Can you see?

Do you see that even though every quality he listed out about s was true, he had one quality that would overtake all of them? Do you know? Do you think he knows?

You don’t. He doesn’t. Only I do.

You don’t see how Jonghyun chooses to tell him about his relationship before anyone else. You don’t see the many sleepless nights Jinki had, trying to comfort his second oldest, while trying to maintain SHINee’s image, torn between his loyalty to his brother, and his commitment to the company.

You don’t see how Jinki sees through Kibum’s insecurities. How Jinki knew that Kibum left the room in the middle of the night to contemplate his actions. You don’t see how Jinki knew Kibum was scared to get close, and so he will act even sillier, have even more sangtaes so that Kibum can give him his usual glare, because Jinki knows that Kibum is sarcastic, and sharp, and blunt, and honest because he cares.

You don’t see the daily talks he has with Minho. You don’t see how he will sit with Minho to watch a soccer game, and joke about all the moves, so that Minho will have to correct him. But he knows Minho likes to correct him, because Minho likes to spend time with s, and that the time he spends with them is the only peace of mind he'll get from his inner competition. It didn't matter how many times he had to explain why the goalie can’t leave the net to play with the team.

You don’t see the phone calls he still makes to Taemin’s family, to inform them of how they were doing. You don’t see how, in the middle of the night, he will wake up, and see Taemin looking at his family’s picture trying to hold in tears, and Jinki would pick up his cell phone, and give it to the youngest because he had lost his, and say, in a quiet voice, that Taemin’s family number is on speed dial, just like the numbers of the other three members.

Can you see that quality now? Can you see what I mean? What I’m trying to say?

Can you?

You don’t see his doubts, because you see him as SHINee’s Leader Onew with the brilliant smile.

I see everything. I see his attention to s, his tears that he hides in the car. I see a 21 year old who still holds the doubt of his 19 year old self.

SHINee’s Onew is growing, improving, becoming more talented, stronger, more confident. You see that, don’t you?

Lee Jinki is still growing, still accommodating, still learning, and still fragile. I see that. Do you?