I thought of how hard we worked and that made me cry, then I thought of Onew hyung trying to thank everyone for us, and I cried, and I thought about my dog and I cried some more…” – Kim Jonghyun

Name: Kim Jonghyun

Stage Name: Bling Bling Jonghyun

Birth Date: April 8, 1990

Position: Lead Vocalist

He’s loud, outspoken, emotional, and height sensitive.

He has a voice that makes him be heard, and bring the strongest heart tearing at a heartfelt ballad.

He can sing up a storm, and blow the audience away with vocals strong enough to shake the building.

He tries to be strong for his company, for his image, for his band and for himself.

I’ve seen him try, I’ve seen him fight, and I’ve seen him fall.

He was an energetic, excited and musically passionate 15 year old when he first joined the company. I was there when the group first gathered together. I had watched as he mistook the eldest as his dongsaeng, and diligently showed him around the company, all the while speaking in banmal thinking he was a hyung. I was there to witness the look on his face when they exchanged birth dates, and realized the boy he had been speaking impolitely to was a hyung who was a year older than he was, to be the leader of their freshly formed group.

He quickly assumed his position as the group’s ‘cool’ factor, choosing to play off his personality with jokes, sarcasm and pretending he didn’t care what was going around him. But I saw the way he would hum the right tune so that Kibum could catch onto the tune, or the way he grumbled about his height to Minho so that the tall, doe-eyed boy would show off a smile.

And as hard as he tried to hide it, I could see that he had fallen for the charm of the newest member, when the last 5^th member was added into the group and became their maknae. He had eyed jealously at how close little Taemin and Jinki seemed to be and played it off cool, but when Taemin sheepishly admitted he would not be able to take any vocal training classes due to his puberty, Jonghyun had subtly taken the young boy under his wing.

Then he debuted, as lead vocalist.

They debuted as one of the younger idol groups, with an average age of 15. At 18 years old, Jonghyun debuted with his 4 other band mates under the scrutinizing eyes of the Republic of Korea and belted out his notes and adlibs, every move, every note and every second determining his success in achieving his dream.

Jonghyun had experienced immediate success. His vocals blew the crowd away, and the group and young man found a quick and growing following.

Jonghyun worked through the late night schedules and activities with his group with the tenacity expected from a newly debuted artist experiencing fast fame and success.

He worked through the training and never ending practices to perfect his voice and his dance.

He worked through it, and the bags under his eyes got heavier.

Their second mini album, their single was a song Jonghyun had written. He stopped sleeping a week before their comeback date. I watched as he sat at the kitchen table, perfecting the lyrics down to the last pronunciation. I watched as Kibum stormed into the dark kitchen, and literally threatened the singer to go to bed lest he wanted his sheets ripped up.

Another comeback. Another round of schedules. Another slew of promotional activities. Another pound added to his stress as he worked so hard on his voice, he had been on the verge of losing it, had Jinki not force the singer to stop belting out in their computer room.

Calls he made to his family became far and few in between.

Their 3^rd mini album.

I had sat him down in the practice room. His eyes were glued to his music sheet.

“Jonghyun.”

“Deh hyung?”

“Take a break.”

“I am,”

“Without the music sheets”

“I have to practice hyung,”

“You’re going to tire yourself out like this,”

“You have four other boys to worry about hyung, I’m fine.”

“You’re going to collapse. If Minho hadn’t forced you to sit down in a chair and Taemin hadn’t used his agyeo you wouldn’t have eaten. If Kibum didn’t threaten you with a spatula you would have stayed here all night. If Jinki didn’t fall down the stairs, you wouldn’t have even left the building.”

“I’ll be fine hyung, I promise.” That dino smile again.

It was the same dino smile that I saw when I rushed to the hospital with the rest of the members after he had collapsed at the dorm with swine.

Idol life is never easy. There are so many restrictions, so many ‘do’s’ but for everything they can do, there will be ten more ‘don’ts’.

Scandals are things idols must avoid at all costs. And my job was to keep track of the boy’s lives, private and professional. The night Jonghyun came to the dorm, and dragged Jinki into a spare room and closed the door and stayed there for more than an hour, I was in the kitchen watching Minho and Taemin play a racing game.

Jonghyun came back out with a nervous smile, and Jinki patted his shoulder, and sat down next to Taemin.

Scandals are major don’ts, and so three months after their comeback with Lucifer, I was at the dorm again. Damage control was my job, and if I wasn’t with the boys, I was at the company. On the front end, we sorted everything out, made official statements to feed to the calm before the storm. But behind the scenes, Kibum had ushered Minho and Taemin into the room Minho and Jonghyun shared, casting a nervous look at me. Jinki and Jonghyun returned to the dorm from the company. I looked at Jinki, he looked at me. Jonghyun disappeared into washroom.

5 seconds.

1 minute.

5 minutes.

10 minutes.

Nothing. Silence. Jinki stood up from his spot on the couch. He walked to the washroom door, picked up the spare key they kept on the top shelf, and unlocked the door.

Jonghyun was always emotional. He could cry at anything. His sobs were more like howls, unmistakable howls. Jinki crouched down, gathered Jonghyun in his arms, and shoved his face into his shirt, patting his back. All I heard were his hard breathing and sobs.

Kibum came out a second later, his eyes immediately catching onto the scene. He didn’t say anything either except walking up with a hand on his waist, and smacking Jonghyun’s head.

“Babo.” Kibum said, but he had tears in his eyes too. Taemin and Minho followed, they all crouched down, and the four boys covered and protected the sobbing vocalist.

I remember, he was 15 when he joined the company. 18 when he first debuted as SHINee’s lead vocalist. A young boy with the ambitions of a grown man, to inspire the world with his music, with four other boys who became his family.

Idol life is never easy. There are more don’ts than dos. I was their manager, I took care of them under the harsh stage lights and even harsher scrutinies that came from the blood thirsty public. I managed their public image, but knew who they were beneath them.

It was funny that with all the training the company had given them, they never trained them to be normal boys. They knew how to fend off the thousands of cameras, how to smile and keep their posture in the shouts of thousands of fans, and how to work through schedules grueling enough to bring a grown man to his knees.

But never how to deal with life. Never how to be an idol to deal with the consequences of wanting to be a normal boy.

I watched as he grew with his family of four boys, and found love. I watched as what was to be normal for a young man his age, the love that was supposed to make him strong became the one thing that brought him to his knees.

I watched, because I was their manager, and I knew him.

I knew him, because under SHINee’s Bling Bling Jonghyun, he was Kim Jonghyun.