| confession
Pragma
“Kim Iseul.”
I slowly turned around, anticipating the face I was going to soon see in front of me.
“Iseul.”
I could almost feel the air being back into my body and I unconsciously held in my breath. Myungsoo was there in front of me, dressed up in a t-shirt and basketball shorts like any other day. Yet, I found my heart beat accelerating and the butterflies beginning stirring up inside my stomach again.
“Yes?” I replied after managing to find my voice.
“You left again yesterday. Is something the matter?” He questioned and I could hear the concern in his voice. I let out a little sigh, causing a frown to surface onto his face.
“It’s nothing. I just remembered I left something in the music room so I went to get it and just headed straight outside after,” I mumbled as Myungsoo stared at me.
“You didn’t even say bye to me though,” Myungsoo said, a little pout forming on his lips.
“You seemed busy,” I muttered and I could almost hear the bitter tone within my voice.
“Busy?” Myungsoo slightly scratched his head. “You mean Minhee? I don’t see a reason why you wouldn’t say bye to me just because she was there..”
I sighed again, gaining the boy’s attention again. “It’s nothing alright?” I forced a little smile, which I wasn’t too sure if it would convince Myungsoo. He always seemed to be able to right through me.
“Fine. I’m taking your words this time,” He patted my head, before heading off the opposite direction, that little action causing the butterflies to scatter wild within me. Stopping on his tracks, he turned around to look at me, raising an eyebrow before giving me a boyish grin. “You coming to class?”
It took me several seconds before realizing the bell had rang and first period was starting soon. I jogged a few steps before stopping in front of Myungsoo who still had that grin plastered onto his face.
“What?” I asked, tilting my head slightly as I stared at him questioningly. He chuckled before shaking his head, giving me another smile. “Nothing. Just wondering what goes on inside that head of yours from time to time.”
I bit my bottom lip slightly before trailing behind him to class. Taking my seat, I automatically let out another sigh, causing my desk partner to give me a questioning look. I forced a smile as she shrugged it off before I took a seat.
I accepted my feelings towards Myungsoo and I don’t know if whether that was a good choice or not. I feel at ease somehow, because I’m finally accepting these feelings I’ve been trying so hard to push away, but because I accepted them, that meant I’ve opened up my heart and let him in.
Being able to like someone feels nice, I won’t lie. It’s like a love-hate relationship with those sudden butterflies spreading wildly in your stomach; it’s frustrating but yet, feels nice to know that those fluttery feelings are because of one cause.
Sighing heavily, I slightly groaned before placing my desk on the table, closing my eyes as the cold surface of the wood came in contact with my skin. Is it normal for a girl crushing on a boy to feel this way?
Scrolling around the internet, a sudden ding from my phone broke the silence in the room.
iseul, what are you doing? :)
Seeing it was Sehun, I typed back a response.
just on the internet roaming around. you?
Almost instantly, the screen lit up followed along with a ring.
talking to you c:
I softly giggled to myself at the boy before typing a response, only to have another message interrupt. A familiar name flashed up on the screen, the simple 8 letters causing my heart to begin racing.
Iseul?
My fingers immediately began to move along the keyboards, typing a reply back to Myungsoo.
hm?
oh you’re here. what are you doing?
roaming around on the internet. like usual o u o
The talk continued, with me giggling every few minutes because of his replies. I don’t know how, maybe it’s just the mind of lovesick fool, but just simply talking to him made me happy. We continued for 30 minutes, sending messages back and forth.
But never did that realize that there was someone who I left hanging, waiting for my response.
Hey Iseul, can i ask you something?
Go for it
Do you have anyone you like?
I froze, my mind seemed to have completely stopped functioning during that moment. My heartbeat accelerated, and I couldn’t even tell if it was the good kind of excitement, or the one where you know you’re gonna be done for in a few seconds.
One minutes passed, as I sat there on my bed, feet under my blankets and phone in hand as I stared at the brightly lit screen. I called out to Lord jesus christ, buddha, whoever created us, please tell me what am I supposed to do.
Trying to stall some time, I replied back nearly five minutes later.
Why do you ask? XD
My fingers were trembling, and I was slowly finding it harder and harder to control my nervousness.
I was curious, cause, I overheard some people talking about you liking someone. wanted to see who this special person could be XD
I inwardly curse. Was my crush on him really that visible? I’ve had cases of people shipping us with each other, though we’ve always denied it, but by no means do I think my feelings actually show. It couldn’t have an that obvious. We’ve always been seen as close friends by others.
Errr…
Weelll?
...Um..
Lol it’s fine. I’m not going to force it out of you
My heart practically fluttered at his kindness. I was almost glad that he said that but at the same time, part of me felt uneasy and guilty for not being able to tell him.
It’s not that i don’t want to tell you. it’s cause..like.. ugghh idk how to phrase it
do i know him? :o
...yeah you know him. reaallyyy well ..too well if i must say..
I was almost to the point of screaming of frustration, not knowing what to do. I had told no one about this, no one at all. I’ve always been sensitive in this area. Not to mention, Myungsoo is the first guy I’ve ever liked. Does that explain the feelings he causes me to go through?
...wow you’re making this harder for me. who the hell do i know that would even fit my panda’s taste.
I sighed, hitting the back of my head slightly against the wall behind. I was debating on whether to tell him or not. If I did, wouldn’t it make the friendship awkward if he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings? I doubt he would. Or maybe it’s just because I have majorly low self confidence.
Taking a deep breath, I replied back.
..i’ll tell you.. but. promise me one thing mmk?
sure. what is it
that our friendship won’t change after this? just that?
lol why would it change. thought not having you around might be relaxing eue
heeeyyyy that huurttsss
I’m just kiddinngg. it’d honestly be a bit boring, without your constant whining and hyperness. i’ve grown used to it lol
I smiled at his message, finally deciding to muster up the courage and tell him. How hard could it be?
I only realized how hard it was when my fingers hovered across the keyboard, typing slightly, then deleting, and retyping, only to repeat that process for a minute. Scanning over the message again, I took a deep breath, thumb right above the ‘send’ button.
And yet I couldn’t click.
The amount of things running through my head is ridiculous to even try imagining. I’m scared to get hurt, which is why I tend to not open up to people - to not let them in.
Yet I found myself here, meeting Myungsoo who completely broke through that wall and got to me. He possessed this ability to make my heart flutter with the slightest actions; he could make the butterflies fly free from their cage with just a single smile of ruffle of the hair. It’s so confusing yet so easy to understand.
I don’t get what exactly these feelings are but I know that they’re delicate, that having feelings transforms you into a vulnerable person. And I know it for myself, that the more open you are to someone, the easier it is for them to break you apart.
And I was scared. There was a tiny chance that his feelings for me would be the same. Part of me knew there was no hope. He said it himself didn’t he? We were friends. There are so many girls out there, so much better than me. What made me think he would choose me over them.
But I know him don’t I? We’re really close friends, I know so much about him.
But the question I had forgot to ask myself before my finger found it’s way to the send button was - how much did he know about me?
im not too sure with my feelings yet but..there might be a big possibility that.. I like you?
Author's Note - i left you guys hanging fo like over 2 months. so sorry ; n ; forgive me. im so bad i know. and then i came back with like this totally crappy update. i should be studying for finals right now but it's been bothering me to make an update soon so I figured i might as well get to it. see I love you guys that much. comments mean so much to be, especially after months now so i would love LOOVEE to hear from you guys again about you thoughts. i'm trying to relate as close as possible to the feelings of a regular girl having a crush on someone so tell me how im doing. ^ u ^ other than that, enjoy. happy reading petals~
-Jia
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