April 20th

“I miss you like everyday. Wanna be with you, but you're away…” Youngbae was humming a sad melody while lying on bed, staring at the ceiling. The second weekend he had been with Jiyong, well, to be more exact, he was just in the same car, on the same plane, staying in same hotel and standing on same stage with Jiyong, literally. He was with him, but not that WITH him. It was totally different from last year, he didn’t want to compare but the distance was too obvious.

Youngbae had developed a bad habit of letting his mind wander back to last summer, he had never been that happy before. He was with Jiyong everyday, he lied on the couch behind Jiyong when he prepared for his solo album and sometimes danced some silly moves, just because Jiyong said he could get inspiration from that. And Jiyong’s first live performance, he remembered being nervous as if it was his own comeback stage, even though he was just a backup dancer. Well, he didn’t mind being a backup dancer, because it was for his Jiyong. He also remembered drifting to dreamyland while Without You was on repeat the previous night. He was half anxious half excited that he couldn’t fall asleep, and Jiyong’s sweet voice did magic, “I’m falling without you…”

The blue sky last summer had turned grey for him, he thought he could bring it back by tagging along his friend for the tour but he was wrong. They rarely talked when sitting next to each other on plane or during rehearsal or at backstage. Sometimes he wanted to take selca with Jiyong (he didn’t know how long since last time they took a photo together), but his friend’s serious face made him reluctant. So he stepped back, just sat on audience seat and watched Jiyong rehearsing from afar. On stage, as they are professional, noone could recognize anything, they screamed something like “We are friends, he’s cool…” but it was all about professional. Last time, he went back to Korea right after concert ended and this week, he also came back to hotel without saying much to Jiyong. He would rather feel lonely alone than feel lonely even when he was with his friend. That kind of loneliness scared him.

Well, to be honest he thought things started getting better when Jiyong came and said, “Youngbae ah, I’ll write a song for you.” Youngbae couldn’t believe his own ears, “What?” “I want to write a song for you, I think I should pay you back as you guest for my concert.” The smile which was about to appeared on Youngbae’s face disappeared without leaving a trace. It was like a debt that Jiyong had to pay back, Youngbae thought. “Am I a burden to him? Was it a right decision to go with Jiyong for his tour?”

Everything not only didn’t get better, to be honest, it became worse. “Am I a burden?” he couldn’t keep his mind from that thought.

“It's better being alone. 'Cause I'm trouble. And I'm an island.”

April 25th

Youngbae was in the studio again even though he didn’t have much to do, ‘cause after all, it was where he felt the most comfortable. Just sitting there listening to other hyungs making music or having some random talks with them could ease his mind. He didn’t want to think too much those days, when he had time, his mind always stopped at the same thought, “Am I a burden to Jiyong?” He had a point though. Seeing Jiyong so happy and relaxed traveling from this place to that place gave him smile but at the same time saddened him. Why he wasn’t like this when he was with him, instead it was all about work?

Choice37 hyung just walked out to take some water and Youngbae flicked his phone.

IBGDRGN: "I'm in trouble. It's been so long since I've tried to come up with new lyrics, I can't think of anything..."

Youngbae felt like someone had punched onto his face. So this was what Jiyong really felt, it was Youngbae being a burden on Jiyong and giving him a hard time. He needed to do something about that, as his mind was still confused, his legs were a bit faster and led him to Jiyong’s studio.

“If you don’t like it, don’t push yourself, I don’t need it,” Youngbae let all his disappointment and anger out.

“What are you talking about, Youngbae?” Jiyong startled.

“I don’t need that kind of song. You know too well all that matter in a song is feeling. If you really mean it, you can write the song easily. I don’t need that forced FEELING.” He yelled.

“You must have misunderstood, that tweet isn’t about you. But… wait, what’s with ‘forced feeling?’ Are you doubting my sincerity? It’s my sincere promise and I’ll keep it no matter what.” Jiyong’s voice cracked.

“Hah, so you do it because it’s a promise, right? Because it’s like a debt you have to pay? Then I have more reasons not to receive that kind of song.”

“Youngbae!!!” Jiyong couldn’t believe those words were said by his friend.

“I dare not to bother Mr G-Dragon the Great to spend his precious time for me.” Youngbae blurted out and regretted it a second later. His anger must have gone out of control but whatever.

“At least I do my best to keep my promise, what about you? You never keep your promises. What happened to the supposed promotion together? What happened to the cover of Without You that you’ve promised me?” Jiyong couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Yes, it’s all about me, it’s always my fault, are you satisfied now?” Youngbae couldn’t believe those were really his words. His mind was no longer his. He didn’t want to continue this argument, too tired, disappointed and hurt, “Now do me a favor, if you’re writing any ing songs for me, please stop, ok?”

“You...” Jiyong stuttered.

“I’ll still come to your concert this weekend. Don’t worry, I won’t ruin your concert.” Youngbae said as he walked out of the room, leaving Jiyong behind not believing what really happened.

Later, Youngbae didn’t take same flight with Jiyong. “Hyung, I had to finish recording this song and will take early flight tomorrow,” he said to manager hyung.

He didn’t want to face Jiyong for a while, “You never keep your promise…” Jiyong’s voice echoed in his mind. He still came to his concert ‘cause he didn’t want fans to question and all the consequences of that. But from deep inside, he also wanted to prove that he could keep his promise, at least one last time. The word “last time” cut deep into his heart, but it was better that way, being with Jiyong was all he wanted but what it was for when he was just a burden to him and hurt him, the same way as he was hurt.

April 27th

Concert was coming to an end, just when Youngbae was about to go on stage to perform Bad Boy, a staff told him, “Youngbae wait here a bit.” There must have been something wrong, in previous concerts he always performed Bad Boy right after Breathe. It didn’t take him long to know what it was: Jiyong was being carried on the back of Youngdon, from his expression Youngbae could tell he was in much pain. Some images flashed through his mind, two years ago, during Love and Hope tour, Jiyong also hurt his leg, then the party, the cigarette and… Youngbae forever blamed himself for not taking enough care of Jiyong, if he had been there, if he had paid more attention to his friend, if… then all those misfortunes wouldn’t have happened. He couldn’t let history repeat itself. At that moment, nothing was more important to him than Jiyong.

He rushed towards his friend, “Jiyong, does it hurt a lot? You rest here, I can go there and perform Bad Boy alone.” He felt Jiyong’s hand holding onto his arm, “I’m alright, I just need some painkiller.” Youngbae could tell the injury was serious from how strong Jiyong gripped his arm while a staff gave him painkiller. But somehow they had finished Bad Boy and that stubborn boy even insisted on performing two more encore songs.

When Jiyong was carried back, he looked soulless. And Youngbae didn’t know if he had ever been scared like that when he saw Jiyong falling on the floor and lying motionless. All he could remember was that he shouted from his lung, “Jiyong, Jiyong, wake up, come back to me…”