There had been something wrong with Youngbae for months. Noone knew what was bothering him, even Youngbae himself. At first he thought it was pressure from preparing for his solo album but he felt totally relaxed and happy in recording studio. This wasn't the right answer. The feeling was irritating, like something was missing and there was a hole somewhere in his chest. It suffocated him sometimes, other times it numbed him and he felt like nothing.

March 15th

Youngbae came home after finishing another recording session. Daesung hadn't been home for months since his solo started. Seungri wasn't home either, he left for some Japanese shows this morning. Maknae moved in with him and Daesung last September and Youngbae felt thankful for that. Not because he could take care of him like what Youngbae said on TV, in fact it was the other way around. At this late hour coming back from work, it was good to have Seungri around, even though it was just some talks, it helped him feel less lonely. Youngbae had changed to a more relaxed and optimistic person, he knew it, but somewhere deep inside, he was still the lonely boy with many worries from back then.

After quick shower, Youngbae turned the laptop on, he had to check the Alive tour documentary to see if his part was ok before sending back to the editing team. Flashing through the screen were images of them, five young boys, from Asia, America to Europe. Time flied so fast, it had become a habit to perform every weekend and Youngbae still remembered how lost he felt the week after Final Alive tour in Seoul. Just when Youngbae thought "after concert depression" was the right answer, a familar image appeared on screen, he paused and stared at it. So it was not something, it was someone missing from Youngbae's life. They were literally glued to each other during Alive tour, from airport to concert stage, from recording studio, MV filming set to shopping together at Chrome Hearts and even at swimming pool like the image on laptop screen right now. There were barely any days that they were separated.

Youngbae couldn't remember last time he and Jiyong enjoyed their time together, carefree and happy. Maybe at Jiyong's pension at New Year? Not really, Daesung was also there, not like last summer when there were only two of them. It was such an unforgetable summer, they pedalled the duck boat, played by the river, chased each other and splashed water like kids. When the sun set and they were also tired from playing all day long, Jiyong leaned on his shoulder. They didn't talk, just looked into the sky slowly becoming dark but the silence wasn't awkward at all, it was peaceful and warm. "I wish this moment last forever," Jiyong whispered to Youngbae, reluctantly stood up when his father called him to say dinner was ready. It had been always like that, Jiyong read his mind so well and always said it a second before Youngbae could. It was just like yesterday but at the same time seemed far far away.

After Alive tour and some year-end award shows, they rarely talked to each other. It’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. Both of them had been busy, Youngbae with recording for his solo album and Jiyong was even busier, preparing for new album and the world tour. Youngbae understood his friend just like the way Jiyong understood him. Jiyong was always sensitive and too focused when it came to work, especially when he was under pressure. Youngbae didn’t mind that they didn’t have much time together, after all, it was not the first time they had to focus on their own solo activities. But there was still something not right, when Jiyong was promoting Heartbreaker and he was promoting Wedding Dress or during Solar era, they treasured every little time they got to share their thoughts, their worries about their own activities, or just some lame jokes to ease the pressure. This time, it was just cold and distant. Their conversations became short and somehow too polite for a friendship that had last for more than 10 years.

Finding the answer didn’t mean the hole in his chest could be filled immediately. He was clueless about whether Jiyong was just too busy with work or he was intentionally cold to him (his heart sank just thinking about it). He believed his friend more than anyone, but there seemed to be no logic answer for that sudden coldness. There was no way Youngbae could ask Jiyong directly, what if it would worsen the situation. He let out a sigh, closed the laptop after putting a vague (not that vague) tweet, “Miss you and love you. How about you?”

That night, Youngbae dreamt about going skateboarding with Jiyong like what they did last summer. But Jiyong kept going far far away despite how much effort Youngbae had put to catch him. As Jiyong was gradually disappearing into the fog, Youngbae shouted from his lung “Jiyong ah, come back to me…” but nothing came out from his mouth. He woke up, still terrified but his mind was awake enough to think, “I will never let that happen.”

March 31st

Youngbae was in the kitchen, preparing some jappaguri while “Father where are you going?” was on TV again. He just came back from Kpop Star, it went well but he wasn’t that happy. Not that he wasn’t satisfied with the performance, just because of this show, he couldn’t attend Jiyong’s second concert. He was there on first day but it wasn’t enough. He remembered how desperately he wanted to jump over the barrier to go on stage with his friend, he craved for performing with Jiyong, and how happy he was when Jiyong went down the stage and danced with him during encore.

Two weeks since that nightmare, Youngbae had tried every way not to let that happen, like what he promised himself. And so far, everything did get better. He took part in MichiGO MV, the same way as One of A Kind, but there were so many cameos that he didn’t have much time with Jiyong as expected. He even made Jiyong jealous (even though he didn’t mean it and actually it was Seungri’s idea). He didn’t tell maknae details, just asked him “Seungri ah, how to know someone’s real feeling?” After all, Seungri had more experience about those kind of things. “Jiyong hyung, right?” Youngbae wanted to deny but in the end he nodded. “I don’t know what’s going on but how about making him jealous? Jiyong hyung is really possesive over his things or his man. Even back then, do you remember that radio when he told you to stay away from me because ‘maknae is mine’? I know it’s just an excuse to hide his true intention.”

He didn’t want to test Jiyong, if he had to choose one person to trust, it would be Jiyong. But Seungri was too excited to help, some days later, he posted bunch of photos with Youngbae on instagram with cheesy captions, knowing Jiyong would see. He knitted his browns seeing those pics and called Seungri right away, “Yah, I told you I won’t use that technique. We’ll talk later after I finished the work… Why not at home?... Ok see you at the restaurant.” When Youngbae was about to leave the studio, Jiyong came in. “Finished?” “Yeap, I’m leaving now, I promise to have dinner with maknae.” “Ah, maknae…” “What do you find me for?” “Nothing important, we can talk later.” Youngbae could feel that Jiyong was a bit upset, or was it him being delusional?

The only thing Youngbae was sure was that during photoshoot for Kakaotalk later, Jiyong was surprisingly warm to him, hugging, smiling and all, when they looked into each other eyes, it was so familiarly warm. Jiyong even called him “little fairy” and Youngbae remembered smiling like an idiot. He whispered to Seungri, who was playing with Jiyong’s hat, “Maybe you were right.” But his happiness didn’t last long, he checked twitter just to find out that Jiyong deleted the “little fairy” picture. Until now he cound’t find the reason why, were all of those happy moments just for the photoshoot?

The noise of boiling water pulled him back from the memories. This jjapaguri was being popular, he wanted to cook for Jiyong so badly after seeing his friend struggling on Thank You with that dish. “I usually cook one portion,” Jiyong made an excuse for his terrible jjapaguri. Youngbae chuckled remembering that pity lie. Jiyong never set foot in the kitchen, it had always been Youngbae cooking for him, since their trainee days. That was also the reason why he mastered in cooking ramen, a cheap but delicious dish that two little boys could afford. Youngbae wonder how long it was since last time they had a family dinner. Today he received a text after finishing Kpop Star performance, “Come here when you finish, I’m waiting.” Must be a party after concert, he thought, “Sorry Jiyong, I’m tired. I’m going home now, maybe other time.” He wanted private time with Jiyong, he had had enough of those noisy parties. And here he was, alone in the kitchen with his jjapaguri.

“Yes.. On sunday, jjapaguri it is..”

April 1st

Youngbae came to Tablo hyung’s studio but he wasn’t there. Just when Youngbae was about to leave, he appeared, “Sorry have you waited long? A sudden meeting, about Jiyong’s concert.” Seeing the confused expression on Youngbae’s face, he continued, “Jiyong can’t do his concert alone, he needs a guest to perform in between. You also saw how he barely made it on first day. The second day was a bit better with 2NE1 as guests but girls can’t come along with him from country to country. I really want to go but you know, my songs don’t fit the concert’s flow. So in the end, YG hyung and Jiyong decided to play some MVs. Not a good solution but they don’t have other choice.” Tablo hyung paused a bit, “Not to mention Jiyong’s health condition right now. He was hospitalized yesterday.” Youngbae’s heart sank, so that text was about hospital, “How stupid I am,” he cursed himself, a guilty feeling raised in his chest. “Tablo hyung, I’ve got to go now, will be back later,” he said while running to the elevator, pushing button 7 - YG’s office.

“Youngbae?” Jiyong turned around when Youngbae walked into the recording studio. “Uh, are you feeling better?” “Still have fever and sore throat but better than yesterday,” Jiyong’s voice is as light as a breeze. “What are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to have a recording session with Tablo hyung?” “Later. Jiyong ah, do you want me to guest for your concert? I asked YG hyung and he said as long as you’re ok. My album is almost finished anyway and I have to get used to a solo tour. Mine will start soon.” Youngbae made a long speech with any reasons he could think of, just in case Jiyong would refuse. But he didn’t mention the most crucial one, “I just want to be with you.” “That’s great! I’ll call the directors and others to re-organize the stages. Thank you. I’ll tell you details about practice and rehearsal later.” Jiyong replied with a smile.

“That’s it?” Youngbae thought. He expected his friend to jump over and hug him, something like that, but only “thank you”? It hurt his feeling a bit, even though he didn’t come to visit Jiyong at hospital yesterday, Jiyong had his right to be mad but what’s with this cold response? It had been 3 years since only two of them standing on same stage, everything was so good then and if he remembered it right, both of them were happy, Jiyong even said, “We’re matched in heaven.” But now…he tried to look on the bright side, “As long as I can be by your side.”