16-17 weeks

Her stomach is no longer anywhere near flat. It's round, excessively big and protruding in a way that she can't hide.

It disgusts her. She's spent so much of her life obsessively checking her body in the mirror, suppressing, forcing her body to be acceptable, that it is both thrilling and horrifying at the same time to let her body do as it wishes. Most days, she avoids looking at herself, and if she does, it's only to see her silhouette swathed in fabric that conceals her shame.

But not today. Now she can't avoid it, because Siwon is peeling off her clothes and refuses to let her keep anything on because he wants to see. She's shivering in the sturdiest bra and knickers she can find, and he –

He's smiling at her. She doesn't – can't – understand. All she knows is that she's fallen hard for him – fell hard for him years ago – and all the time she wasted with men who never even liked her very much seems so futile. And this baby – this unwanted nuisance taking up space in her body and her life – is an obstacle in the way of having something that really feels like it could actually mean something.

She hates it. She hates herself, too, for feeling so apathetic towards a child she's supposed to love – a child that's supposed to be the centre of her world, if the media is anything to go by – but she guesses she was always going to turn into her mother. Maybe this is what Gayoon was looking for, every time she married. Maybe this is what she was ignored for – the all-consuming heat, the tingling in the pit of her stomach – lust, for want of a better word.

And she does lust for him, longs for him really – she craves his touch, wants the satisfaction of him inside of her and – if her blurry memories are anything to go by – the skill with which he can bring her to . Nobody's ever looked at her the way he does. As if she matters. As if she's a prize, something worthy of admiration – not just a fat, unwanted socialite with nowhere and no one to go to.

She's made a pretty good job of ing up her options, if she does say so herself. Blaming the thing inside of her is just a way of pushing the guilt and the fear away. “Here I am.” Her voice is shaking, but there's nothing she can do to stop that. Her arms are crossing against her s, as if that will hide anything. It's all she can do keep from diving under the covers. “In all my repulsive glory.”

He rolls his eyes, infuriatingly handsome. Mr Perfect, that's what they call him in magazines and right now – when she's the ugliest she's ever been – it stings, and her emotions (still so volatile) are making her tremble. He places his hands on her shoulders, that slow, y smile playing on his lips. “Darling, you could never be repulsive.” He says it as if the very idea is ridiculous, and she doesn't even have time to disagree because he's leaning down, and kissing her.

Kissing her the way she's always wished he would – deep, hard kisses that leave her gasping for breath in a way that's pleasurable rather than uncomfortable.

“Just shut up for once, will you?” He breathes into her ear, after what feels like minutes but was probably seconds. She snorts, ready to argue, but he has one finger pressed against her lips. “I'd rather show you what I want, and I think even you can agree that that will be far more fun than talking.”

And suddenly, she's on her back with him hovering over her, grinning like a madman. There's nothing to do but giggle and let him have his way, because sometimes, actions are better than words.

***

They barely leave the room for a week after that, and only when they get hungry. She insists that she doesn't need food when she has him in her arms, but he just looks pointedly at her swollen stomach and she's forced into silence. He's a considerate lover in that respect, if nothing else.

She can't accuse him of being the insatiable one, though. That's all her. It's as if her body is desperate to make up for lost time, or maybe it's just the hormones – she read somewhere that the fourth month is all about being constantly (never mind the fact that she's rapidly approaching her fifth month – that'll just kill her buzz). All she wants to do is him, and if she's not ing him, she's either asleep or eating.

They spend most of their time . That would bother her, if she had time to think about it – but she really doesn't, because he's only gone for about five seconds, and then he's back again, climbing on top of her (or underneath her, wherever the whim takes them) and soon, all she can really focus on is trying not to moan too loudly.

She hasn't checked her phone in what feels like an age, and a nuclear war could have started, for all she knows – her world has narrowed to this room, to the slap of skin against skin and the musky scent of . They fall asleep entangled together; she can't tell where he ends and she begins, and when his arms wrap around the bump, she doesn't complain. It's too intimate, but she's rapidly becoming accustomed to his fascination with her body.

His thumb is leisurely against the underside of her stomach right now, his other hand sliding up towards her s. “We're going to have to get out of this bed eventually,” he murmurs into her ear, dipping down to press a kiss at the juncture of throat and neck. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” she laughs, already a little breathless. His thumb is descending lower, and she's tingling in anticipation. “Not right now, though.”

“No, not right now.” He agrees, as she rolls onto her back underneath him. They smirk at one another, her arms threading around his neck. Her stomach feels heavy, but she ignores it. “We've got other things to be doing right now.”

Her legs part to accommodate him, and it only takes one intake of breath and a few muttered words for him to slip inside of her.

And if those words were I love you, well, she can't answer what she doesn't hear.

***

Siwon reclines against her headboard, arms propped behind his head. He watches her search through her wardrobe with a lecherous grin on his face, and she's about to roll her eyes and ask him if he's enjoying the view of her barely-clad body, when he tilts his head.

“Turn to the side, sweetheart.” He says, straightening upwards. When she turns so that he can see her profile, he nods, “Yeah, like that.”

He stares at her for a moment; it makes her uncomfortable, because she's still not okay with being like this in front of him, and she wants to snap at him to stop this – but then a smile spreads across his face.

“You can kind of tell you're pregnant now,” he tells her, and as he smiles again her stomach drops. No. Not yet – she's not ready for this, she's not ready to come out with the truth, and if he can see it, won't everyone be able to?

She pulls her robe on, holding it loosely so that it covers her body. He looks put out, but she doesn't care; she doesn't want him looking – doesn't want him seeing the worst parts of her. “Oh?” She says shakily, trying very hard not to sound as terrified as she is.

He seems to have understood he's said the wrong thing, though. “I didn't – , honey, I didn't mean that it was obvious! I just meant that...if you were looking for it,” he tries to explain, but she's still turning the words over and over in her head. You can kind of tell you're pregnant. “And you were !” He adds hastily. “You can't see anything when you're clothed.”

She nods dumbly. “Okay,” you look pregnant, “that's fine,” you're screwed.

Of course, it's not fine, but this relationship – for want of a more accurate word – is still too new, too tender for her to say what she's really feeling. If she wasn't so scared of him storming off, she'd slap him for the insinuation that she looks anything other than perfect, then kiss him and make him promise he'll still want her even when she's enormous.

But they're not ready for that. They're still pretending this isn't a big deal; that marrying one another won't be a massive mistake and that they have all the time in the world to spend together. The last time he tried to bring up the baby, she distracted him so successfully with a that he couldn't even remember what he was going to say.

She doesn't want to talk. She just wants to be with him; she wants the feel of his arms around her waist, his lips against her cheek, , mouth, thigh – she wants to be surrounded by his scent and his warmth and pretend that nothing else is happening because that's easier.

And because – for once in her life – she's actually somewhat happy.

But all good things must come to an end, and she's well aware that they will have to leave her bedroom at some point, even if it's just to let her housekeeper clean it. They have lives to get back to – plans to make – and burying her head in the sand might feel good now, but Murphy's law dictates that it will bite her in the later.

“I didn't make you sad, did I?” He asks, repentant and awkwardly sweet. When he embraces her from behind, she doesn't move his hands from her belly, even though she itches to do so.

No, she lies instead. “You didn't make me sad.” She forces a smile, even though he can't see it, because she has to try and be the woman he wants her to be, if nothing else. “I guess I'll have to get used to it.”

When he kisses her this time, it's hesitant, grateful – and just a little too much like the kind of kisses an errant husband gives his wife when she smiles for the cameras and says they're happy, so, so happy.

***

Siwon's little revelation clears her mind of its -filled haze. There is no way they can keep going like this; eventually, she's going to start showing so much that it will be obvious, and before that can happen, they need to get married. Everyone will know it was conceived before they got married – some will even sniff judgementally about it – but most will simply accept that they did the 'right' thing and pretend that it was planned.

Her mercenary position on marriage would leave a bitter taste in , if she hadn't been raised to view marriage as nothing but another transaction. The fact that she is marrying Siwon is a plus point, but there are other things to consider. Where can they do it? Can they tell anyone? How do they announce it?

Their parents will likely be angry with them – mostly because the chance to attain the most profitable match has been snatched away – but they'll have to agree when they hear that she's...well, she's pregnant.

She sighs. This was never how she imagined her life. This was never what she wanted – even now, she's not really convinced it's what she wants. She's not ready for marriage. That's the unfortunate truth. She's not ready for any of this.

And she really doesn't want this baby. But you do the best you can with what you're given, and when he asked...there was no way she could say no. The very idea of someone wanting to marry her – especially Siwon – was too much of a siren's call. She is self-serving; she's never denied that.

But she's also insecure and unhappy, and being around Siwon makes her feel as if she matters. As if, for once, she's not the stupid, unwanted daughter of the ice-queen, Narae's inferior shadow. With him, she is important – she shines, in a way she can't with anyone else. He's not quite her knight in shining armour, but she reflects well off him. 

And right now, he's her saviour.

***

When he tries to kiss her again, she pulls away. She takes a deep breath, and plunges right into the deep end. “We need to get married,” she murmurs, arms around his neck. “This,” she moves one hand to gesture to her stomach, “can't happen without us being married.”

“Okay,” he agrees readily, hands resting on her arms. He looks at her, a surprisingly calm expression on his face. “What do you want to do?”

What she wants to do is hide under the covers with him forever, but she needs to secure her future, and besides – once they're married, they can stay in bed all day and no one can tell them not to. In fact, it'll be expected. “We're going to have to do it quickly,” she says firmly. “No one can know about this – not yet,” she adds hastily, when he looks a little put out. “We've got to get this all done and dusted before anyone else can object.”

He nods. “So no star-studded wedding?” He gives her a wry smile, gently squeezing her arms. “What a disappointment.”

“Nope, just us,” she tells him briskly, unwilling to look him in the eye, because then she'll lose track of what they have to do, and go back to doing nothing at all.

“Maybe we should run away to Vegas,” he jokes, a sly glint in his eye. “Wedding and honeymoon all in one.”

She's fairly sure the expression on her face right now is the very definition of scandalised. “I am not getting married there,” she hisses. “This might not be fancy, or elegant, or nice, but I'm going to do the best I can, and I'm not having a trashy wedding in some drive-thru chapel!” She shudders, the gesture not all exaggerated.

He laughs, and she wants to punch him. She can't tell if it's hormones, or just her normal reaction to the suggestion of a Vegas wedding. She's never really had anyone offer to marry her before. “I wouldn't do that to you, sweetheart,” she glares at him, unconvinced, “mainly as I know you'd hurt me for doing it.”

“Too right,” she mutters, a little nauseous at the very idea – though whether or not that's just a run-of-the-mill pregnancy symptom, she can't be sure. “Registry office, it is, then.” She's less disappointed than she thought she would be – maybe because it doesn't feel real.

“We can have a proper wedding later,” he promises. “We could renew our vows on our first anniversary, or something.” He grins as an idea comes to him. “The baby will be about six months old, then.”

It's such a sweet sentiment – and a good compromise. But she just feels sick, because in less than six months time, she will be a...mother.

And the idea doesn't appeal at all, no matter how happy Siwon seems about it.

***

It turns out that a shotgun wedding is quite easy to organise on such short notice – if you have the money, of course. Flashing their cash gets them in everywhere; it gets her a dress, and him a tux, and it gets them a slot in the courthouse, guaranteed.

Somehow, it amuses her – that a commitment such as this can be obtained so easily, so cheaply, almost. It's practically proof that marriage is not about love, although it's not that she doesn't care for Siwon.

She wants him – oh, she needs him – but she's not ready to class as it as love. Not yet.

***

The wedding band feels heavy on her finger; a seal of safety that even her mother can't argue with. “I now declare you husband and wife,” the registrar intones, sounding faintly bored. She always thought this part of her wedding would be more...dramatic, but beggars can't be choosers. Especially pregnant ones.

Siwon smiles at her, his familiar conspiratorial grin, and she can't help but smile back. “I think I get to kiss you now,” he murmurs in her ear, and she fights the urge to laugh.

“I think you get to do a lot more than kiss me, now,” she whispers back, and the lingering look he gives her sends a delicious tingle of anticipation through her. “Not that you didn't do those things already.”

“You may now kiss the bride.” The registrar sighs, as if their wedding is a tiresome affair he'd really rather was over and done with. She finds that a little offensive, but she supposes even the allure of a wedding must run thin when it's your day job.

Siwon's eyes glitter when she turns to face him, a determinedly innocent look on her face. When she leans up to kiss him, she's expecting a polite peck on the lips – they are in front of witnesses after all – but instead she's swooped into a Hollywood moviestar-style kiss.

It takes her by surprise, as does the cheering from the other brides and grooms in the background. “Show-off,” she mumbles, cheeks flushing. It's embarrassing – but she can't help but admit she secretly likes it.

“What, I'm not allowed to show my wife any affection?” Siwon's eyes dance with merriment, clearly lost in the excitement of an illicit marriage.

Wife. She toys with the word in her mind. It doesn't quite fit, not yet – but it's a name you grow into, she supposes.

“Not in public,” she says smoothly, linking their fingers together. The cool metal of his ring presses into the flesh of her palm. “Not yet.”

As they walk out of the courthouse as husband and wife, she can't help but wonder if this is the right decision for either of them.

***

Have our favourite will-they-won't-they couple finally made it official? Sources report that Little H and catwalk favourite Siwon have been seen together almost constantly as of late, and – to make this even juicier – it's definitely past the hand-holding stage.

Not that we expect anything less.

My proof? Take a look at this photo. That's an awfully big bug bite, don't you think? My, my, Little H, what have you been letting Mr. Choi do?

Find out for me – I'm nothing without you!

X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl

Sooooo I had to post this as a shorter chapter, because otherwise it was going to get massively long. Also, Jongdae suddenly got his own starring role in this AU, with his own series of fics, like QMi did and I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. Chapter title taken from Duran Duran's Come Undone. Yes, I do love eighties music. No, I'm not ashamed.