She keeps her meeting with the baby a secret, not ready to tell either Narae or Siwon that she has seen him, that she knows what he looks like - what he sounds like - because they'll expect something from her, and she isn't ready for that.

Her feelings are not quite ready to surface, and she needs peace to figure out what it is she wants. Her secret, clandestine knowledge of her baby and his hungry cry is hers alone. She does not quite know how to explain the strangely wonderful feeling of feeding, or how her baby stopped crying in her arms. She doesn't know how to say that she hates the fact he hasn't even been named, but that she feels his real parents should have that honour.

And if she is honest with herself, his 'real' parents are a shadowy, vague idea of a family, rather than a physical reality, because she has done nothing to find him a family, and she doesn't know why.

In short, she has no idea what she wants, and it is driving her mad.

***

The routine of pills and bland, flavourless food three times a day gets old, quick, but she doesn't really want to go home. She doesn't know where home is - she doesn't know whether to stay in Seoul, or run back to Busan until she can forget that she is a mother, that she has a child somewhere in the world and she doesn't even know his name.

She's beginning to question whether or not she can live with that. Now she's seen him - now she's given in - it feels like even more of a betrayal to turn her back on him. She can still feel the warmth of his tiny body in her arms, the insistent at her and though she knows she isn't ready to make a decision, she finds that she wants to...well, she isn't sure.

To hold him? To tell him she's sorry that she's not the mother he needs, that she failed him when he needed her most, and that she wishes - oh, she doesn't know what she wishes. She is confused, and torn, and so mixed up that she doesn't want to think about him, and yet, he is all she can think about.

She knows that the nurse thinks she's coming back; that she has bonded with her baby and that she'll take him home, and he'll have a perfect little happy family to recover with. She doesn't have the heart to tell her that that is not the truth, and he'll have to wait for that family.

But does that mean she can't see him, in between the time it takes to find him his adoptive parents? It's a moral quagmire, and she does not want to probe its murky depths. She wants somebody to tell her what to do, to tell her what to feel and how to act, but there is no one. This is a decision she has to make on her own, a decision she cannot look to Narae or Siwon for. A decision that will remain unaffected by societal prejudice, because honestly? She doesn't care anymore.

It's something she's come to realise, over the past few months. She doesn't really want to go back to whatever it was she did before. She wants something to do, to be somebody who matters, even if it is only to a few people.

And she's angry, oh, so angry. Angry at the people who turned her back on her; furious at her mother for just acting as if she doesn't exist, so, so pissed off that Hyunjae gets to walk away with no censure. And she is seething that the bottom-feeders who call themselves paparazzi endangered her baby's life. It doesn't matter that she doesn't want him; it matters that he is her baby and he deserves to live just as much as anyone else does.

She closes her eyes, the image of his tiny hands clenching pasted across her eyelids. So small, so very, very small.

What is she supposed to do? What is she supposed to feel?

She has no idea.

***

Her stomach still hurts, her incision a burning brand across her belly, but she ignores the pain as she stands in the neonatal unit. The baby's been doing so well that he's been put in with the rest of the healthier babies, so she came to – well, she's not really sure why she came.

To reassure herself he's doing fine? To assuage her guilt? To see him one last time, before she hands him off to an adoption agency?

She doesn't know. All she knows is that she's been standing in front of the incubator-filled room for what feels like hours, just watching her baby as he stirs in his plastic cot, his eyes tightly shut and his arms above his head.

He's okay. She can see that. So why is she still here?

"What are you doing up?" The disapproving voice comes from behind her, and she jumps, thinking it's one of the doctors, here to chastise her.

But when she turns around, it's just Siwon. She flushes at being caught, but straightens up. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," he says immediately. "Your room was empty." He shrugs. "You can't blame us for worrying."

She rolls her eyes, but turns back to the nursery. "I'm not an invalid." The baby's face screws up, and she leans forward, checking if one of the nurses is going to comfort him. Come on, they can see he's unhappy. Move.

"No, you're not," Siwon agrees, coming to stand right behind her. He sneaks an arm around her waist, and she doesn't want to admit it, but the support is what she needs as her incision aches. "But you did just have surgery, and a nasty fall."

He doesn't ask why she's here, but she knows it's coming. So she decides to ward off the difficult questions by speaking first.

"I just wanted to check on him," she says defensively. "That's allowed."

Siwon nods, as he unfolds one of her clenched hands to rub soothing circles on her palm. How is it they just fall into this routine, even after all the unsaid words between them? "I know." His touch is comforting, and she leans against him, tiredness suddenly overcoming her. "You gave birth to him, after all."

"Why have you been visiting him?" She asks, needing to know just what he thought he was doing.

He stiffens behind her, not having expected to be caught so soon. "I couldn't help it," he says helplessly, "I just wanted to see if he was okay. He's...perfect."

She wrests herself away from watching the baby to look at him. He looks like a child caught snatching the last cookie from the biscuit tin, and she sighs. "Why do you do this to yourself, Siwon?" She's exhausted from all this to-ing and fro-ing, but it doesn't stop her from placing a hand on his face. He hasn't shaved, and his stubble is prickly underneath her fingers. Privately, she thinks this unkemptness is a good look for him.

He places his own hand over hers, and the look he gives her makes her heart ache. "You know why."

She turns away, hand still cradling his face. "Siwon..."

"I know, I know," he chuckles sadly, "you don't want him, and you're not ready for me."

She did say those things. But deep down, she's starting to question her own feelings. "You make me want you too much," she laughs, the sound more wry than joyful. "Why couldn't you just make me hate you? It would be so much easier."

He smiles, lacing his fingers through hers. "I'm too lovable for my own good," he teases, and this time, her grin is real.

"You have too high an opinion of yourself," she tells him, the desire to kiss him mounting. She forces her gaze away from his mouth, and back towards the baby, who is crying in earnest now, eyes screwed up tight. "I want to hold him," she finds herself whispering, surprised by the intensity of the feeling.

"You can," Siwon tugs her towards the door. "He's yours still, after all."

Part of her wants to resist, to get her head set on straight and go along with her original plan, but somehow, her more sensible self is overridden by this emotional need to be near him.

She doesn't understand it, but she doesn't really care. She's always been good at only thinking of her own needs before others; this strange need to comfort another person at her own expense is new. She's curious.

A nurse turns to them with a smile. "Ah, mummy and daddy here to see baby?" She says, as if expecting them, and without really thinking, she slips her hand inside Siwon's.

"Yes," she says simply, because it's easier, because it is a nice idea - maybe even because it feels good.

Siwon doesn't speak, but she can feel him nodding next to her, his fingers lacing though hers.

The nurse grins, oblivious to the slight tension. "Let's get you settled, then."

***

The baby is squirming, jerking in his small incubator, little mouth a red o, and she leans over the cot, hands hovering. She turns to the nurse for permission. "Can I - can I pick him up?"

She nods immediately, but comes forward to help, just in case. Hyerin finds that she is glad of it, as she gently - oh so gently - lifts his wriggling body out of the incubator, the nurse guiding her as she does so.

"Hey, little one," she whispers, and she is gratified when his head turns to her voice, ever so slightly, "how are you today?"

The breathing tube is still taped to his nose. She is careful not to dislodge it, and Siwon - standing so close to her, their arms touch - his head. As the nurse walks away to help another set of parents, he asks the question she knows has been burning in his mind ever since she picked him up.

"I thought you weren't ever going to see him?" He murmurs quietly. "I thought you wanted nothing to do with him?" There is a slight, mocking lilt to the words, and she resents it, her arms tightening around the baby.

"Things change," she hisses back, and - rather petulantly - turns her back on him, keeping the baby all to herself.

She doesn't tell him that she has already seen the baby; that she has held him and because of that, she cannot stay away. She doesn't tell her that the baby needed her, and that was all the flimsy excuse she needed to see him.

And she doesn't tell him that the only thing she is thinking is that the – her – baby fits perfectly in her arms, and when she looks at him, she marvels at how amazing he is. She doesn't admit that she is extremely reluctant to let him go – even to him.

Instead, she holds him the way the nurse taught her, close to her – and, she thinks, far too soppy for her liking – her heart. He's calm in her arms, wide eyes staring around the room as if he is still unused to all the space he has now.

She bends down over him, and gently – oh, so gently – kisses the top of his head, inhaling his strangely compelling scent. Siwon watches wordlessly, but she knows he is full of questions. She can almost hear his brain buzzing, but then they have known one another for a very long time. She knows how his mind works.

Or, at least, she thought she did.

"Hyerin," his voice is soft, so it does not carry in this quiet environment, "I wasn't - " He sighs. "I wasn't trying to be arsy with you." He comes closer, his hand resting on her shoulder. She doesn't turn to look at him, determinedly absorbed in the baby's tiny features. "Hyerin," he tries again.

"What?" She says, and when her next words come, she knows they are accusing. "You held him for the first time. I'm not allowed alone time with him?"

His mouth snaps shut, and his hand drops off her shoulder. "Hyerin, what do you want?" He asks helplessly, more than a little thrown by her changing moods.

The anger goes out of her, and her shoulders sag as she turns back around. She searches his face for some kind of anchor to cling onto. "I don't know," she says defeatedly, looking back down at the baby in her arms, "I really don't know."

He carefully pulls her to him, then, mindful of the baby in between them, and rests his chin on top of her head. She leans her head against his chest, and finds tears prickling behind her eyelids.

And - hidden in Siwon's embrace, with the baby she never thought she could want held in her arms - she cries. She cries for the family they might have been, for the happiness she might have had, and selfishly, for the freedom she has lost. She cries for the baby, who was born into a world that he wasn't ready for and that doesn't want him; she cries for the months of fear and horror at her changing body. 

But most of all, she cries because she is terrified, and she doesn't what to do.

"It'll be okay," he whispers, his arms around her and his lips in her hair. She tries to force the tears back, but they have been held in check for too long, and it is as if a something has burst within her. She's scaring the baby, she knows, and while part of her wants to cling onto him for comfort, the other knows he needs calm, and she can't even give him that.

She pulls away from Siwon, his hand sinking to rest on her face, as he thumbs away stray tears. "Can you get the nurse, please?" She mumbles huskily, cuddling the baby close in an effort to soothe him.

He nods, and strides off towards her. She watches him go, envious of his confidence as he taps on the nurse's shoulder and smilingly tells her she needs to rest but they'll be back, oh, they can count on it. Wryly, she thinks it is only half a lie. She knows she will be back.

But when the nurse takes the baby, he cries, a loud squalling that scrunches up his entire face, and even the nurse's expert rocking cannot calm him. She watches, the cries causing a heavy pain in her chest, and her body moves of its own accord. "Give him back to me," she orders, and the nurse hands him over without protest.

She cradles him against her , his minute head held in the palm of her hand, his tiny, frog-like hands clenching and unclenching. "Shh, shh," she croons at him, rocking him gently. She lays her cheek against the downy hair on top his head. "I'm here, baby, I'm here."

His cries subside, but the lie is like a knife in her heart, and grief begins to overcome her.