The first night back in her own bed is not as comfortable as she'd hoped. It's got nothing to do with her bed - which is as soft as ever - or the fact that Minki regards her disdainfully when she walks in, before stalking off, tail swishing irritably. She knows he'll come round. It's more to do with the horrible words the reporter threw at her, her guilt and worry for the baby taking over her mind.

She tosses and turns, her belly empty and aching underneath the dressing. She is distracted, her mind churning and turning over the reporter's words over and over, as if examining them closely will make anything clearer.

"I guess you don't need the kid anymore, now Choi's married you." His sneer is still fresh in her mind, and even as she presses her hands to her eyes, she cannot get rid of the image. It's not true. It's not even how it happened, and yet, she feels as if there is some horrible grain of truth that she is too scared to acknowledge.

She certainly didn't set out to get pregnant; she's always been quite careful about contraception, and before this, she'd never even had a pregnancy scare. And when it did happen, she was going to do the right thing.

Or so she thought. What is the right thing? Because that's the crux of the matter, really. Is the right thing pulling away completely, handing the baby over to an adoption agency, without even an adios, and annulling her marriage to Siwon like it never happened? Or is it okay to follow her heart, which - in the uneasy darkness of her bedroom - she can admit does not want to do either of those things?

She doesn't know. She's never been very good at listening to her gut reaction. She's so used to doing what is the socially acceptable thing that she hasn't stopped to consider what it would feel like to do what makes her happy. To be honest, she doesn't really remember being truly happy.

It sounds pathetic, when you put it like that, and she's not looking for sympathy, but, well, it's true. And she doesn't want that for her baby, her tiny little son who has all the world before him and so much to live for. She doesn't want him stuck in a world that will mould him into yet another unfulfilled stereotype, a world that will disapprove of him forever, just because he was born in unfortunate circumstances.

And the only way to try and make that a possibility is to find other parents for him. So why is it so hard to let go?

***

It is almost impossible to drag herself out of bed the next morning - although Narae urges her to rest - and she sits at the dining room table, listlessly dragging her fork through a selection of fruit. It's true, she's not the best eater at the best of times, but right now, she has no appetite.

The only thing that motivates her to eat the few mouthfuls she does manage is that the baby needs nutrients, and at the moment, they're better coming from her.

Sungah watches her like a hawk, and though she finds the supervision vaguely insulting, she has missed the woman, who has been more like a parent than her mother ever has. "You can stop the KGB act," she says, almost amused, "I am eating."

The housekeeper sniffs. "Not enough," she says tartly, arms folded under her bosom.

Hyerin rolls her eyes, but her lips are twitching into a smile. "You try having a massive scar across your stomach," she retorts, delving deep into her pitifully low reserves of energy.

The other woman mutters to herself, and though she catches little of what she's saying, she is fairly sure none of it is complimentary. It does not worry her, however; Sungah is not one to show her affection through soppy soliloquies. It is perhaps why she likes her so much.

As she rises to shower, the cat hurtles downstairs, dashing with a rallying mah! to his food bowl. He brushes past her as he does so however, leaving a trail of black and white fur on her black leggings. She smiles.

Somehow, the brief show of affection from her cat is enough to brighten her mood.

***

Siwon appears as she is leaving the shower, a towel wrapped loosely around her torso. She stares at him blankly for a second, before hastily tightening the towel around her. Embarrassment at being caught in such a state - especially when her body is, quite frankly, at its worst - reddens her cheeks. "What are you doing here?"

He blinks for a moment, distracted. "Oh. Sungah let me in." She will be having words with that woman. How can she let people in (especially extremely attractive people, with whom she has an ambiguous relationship with), willy-nilly, when she is showering and therefore not ready to receive them?

"Right," she says faintly. "Um," she pulls the towel a little higher, suddenly acutely aware that her hair is a sodden mess of rat's tails, "why are you here?"

He straightens, and an all too familiar determined look settles in his eyes. "I'm here to take you to the hospital."

"But I just left it," she says, deliberately obtuse.

He rolls his eyes, but he is smiling. "Yes, I know that. I'm here to take you to see the baby."

She nods, and turns to enter her bedroom, lingering in the doorway for a moment. "Thank you," she says simply.

He looks nonplussed, and she hides a smile behind her hand. "That's it? You're not going to fight me on it?" He raises a brow, looking decidedly (and deliciously) confused.

"No." She shakes her head. She purses her lips, considering for a second. "Give me...thirty minutes?"

"Sure," he says, sounding thoroughly disconcerted. She grins.

***

She makes it in twenty-five, doing a rush job of blow-drying her hair and applying only the barest of makeup. She looks (and feels) like utter crap, but she finds that there is only a small part of her that is upset by this. She doesn't have time to make herself look acceptable, and besides, she'd really rather spend the day with the baby in clothes that she is willing to sacrifice to snot and sick.

And if Siwon expects her to look perfect, then, well, it's just even more of a reason to break up.

He smiles when he sees her, however. "You look good," he tells her, and she looks away, unable to take the compliment gracefully.

"Yes, well, let's go," she says brusquely. He takes her hand, and she finds herself clutching it like a lifeline as they plunge through the gauntlet of judgemental neighbours. One woman watches them openly, clutching her yappy little dog to her chest. When Hyerin meets her eyes, she stares back, unflinching, lips thinning in disapproval.

Siwon squeezes her hand, a silent message of support she cannot help but be grateful for. The woman huffs, hugging the dog closer to her . It squawks in protest. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she announces, before slamming her door in their faces.

"Hello to you too," Hyerin mutters sarcastically, chest tightening. Screw you, she thinks angrily, you.

"Ignore her," Siwon's voice is haughty, deliberately so. Despite the warmth he exudes around her, he is exceedingly good at being snot-nosed when he wants to be. "She knows nothing of what she speaks."

The fingers of her free hand curl up uselessly. It's just another confirmation of the fact she's known from the start: there is no way she can bring up her baby herself, not in this environment. Hell, everyone seems to think the idea of her being a fit mother is laughable.

"Yeah," she says dully, and Siwon turns to her sharply, attuned to her changes in mood, as always.

" her," he says fiercely, loud enough for the interfering old biddy to hear, if she has her ear pressed to the door (which she undoubtedly does). "What do they know?" He's so close, she can smell his aftershave and the expensive conditioner he uses to keep his hair from getting fried every time it is dyed. She looks up at him blankly. "Sweetheart, I know you better than they ever will."

His arms are around her, and she can feel herself softening in his hold, the tense set of her shoulders loosening. She closes her eyes. "Let's go," she says, before she allows herself to do anything stupid, like kiss him for just being himself.

It would be so easy.

***

The journey to the hospital is quiet, as Siwon taps out a rhythm on his steering wheel and rests a hand on her thigh. She is hyper-aware of it, the warmth on her thigh too comforting for her own good, and she stares out of the window to keep herself from doing anything she shouldn't.

He opens the door for her when they park, and she rolls her eyes at his chivalry. "I can open doors for myself, you know," she chides gently, and he quirks a grin at her.

"I know. I just like doing it." She shakes her head.

"ist prick," she says provocatively, and his eyes glitter with mischief.

"I am in no way ist." He sneaks an arm around her waist, and she doesn't bother to shake him off. "I'd be a fool to be, with the way you walk all over me."

She leans up to press a kiss against his cheek. It is rough with stubble, and she wonders what her face would feel like after kissing him properly. Buffed and smooth, or itchy and sore? She'd take either. "Let's keep it that way," she says cheekily.

***

The nurse who lets them into the NICU smiles widely when she sees them. "Ah, back already?" She teases.

"Can't stay away," Hyerin responds wryly, already eager to get to her baby. She wants to hold him and reassure herself he's still safe, cocooned and insulated in the quiet of the NICU, away from the nastiness of the press.

She wishes she could stay in here with him, but she has to get back to the real world sometime.

When she lifts him out of the incubator, he grizzles, his complaints weak and more to show he dislikes being disturbed than out of any real discomfort. His tiny white hat falls off as she holds him against her chest. Siwon holds it out to her, but she shakes her head. Without his hat, she can see his fine black hair.

"Hi, baby," she kisses the top of his bare head. Siwon holds the tiny little hat in his hand, but he isn't paying attention to it, instead watching them with a half-smile on his face. "Did you miss me?" She asks, heart thumping as she cradles him.

He opens his eyes blearily for a moment, and then - as if the effort is too much for him - closes them again. She laughs, enchanted by this small, unimportant movement. "So is that a no, then?"

The baby does not reply, his head turned towards her . She knows what that means, and gracelessly, she sinks into the seat next to his incubator. "Cover me?" She asks Siwon, as she slides down her bra with awkward, fumbling fingers.

He takes the baby for a moment, and she pauses, her hands caught behind her back, as she watches them. He kisses the top of her son's head, as she did, the baby looking even tinier next to his taller frame.

"I missed you, little man," he tells him cheerfully, "I wish mummy could take you home." There is a note of sadness as he says it, but he forces it away. "But you've got to get better."

The bra falls loose in her hands, and she bites her lip, heart aching. She reaches for the baby, an act that is beginning to feel far too natural for her peace of mind. He settles him in her arms gently, and she wonders just when they began to make such a good team.

Her son is warm in her arms, and she's probably imagining it, but he feels slightly more substantial than he did when he was first born. His powerful, insistent at her is comforting; it means that he has the strength to feed, that he isn't sickening for something.

"He's so determined," she says, cupping his head. "He's had the worst start, and he's still going for it."

Siwon pushes her hair out of her face, an unidentifiable emotion in his face. She looks from the baby to his face, then back again. "He gets that from you," he tells her confidently, and then his mouth his on hers, and she's kissing him back, heedless of the other people in the room and the baby at her .

He pulls back first, looking pained. "I'm sorry," he blurts out immediately, "I just - "

She swallows, the baby's head to calm herself. "It's okay," she mutters. "I kissed you back, so..."

Siwon laughs nervously, "I don't think it affected him at all," he lays a finger on the baby's cheek, "he is determined."

She laughs with him, but the paternal pride in his voice has her stomach sinking. They can't keep playing this game, not when it's drawing them both in and they're unlikely to get out of this unscathed.

The baby finishes, and, as carefully as she can, she burps him, her hand rubbing his back. He nestles against her chest, little fists resting against her neck. She can feel tears beading her lashes. "I wish I could keep you," she whispers, the intense rush of sorrow, and yes, love that follows too much to hold back.

Siwon watches her, longing in his eyes.