11 weeks

A few days later, she has a wedding to attend. It’s not a family wedding – not really, anyway – and she doesn’t actually know either the bride or groom that well. Of course she’s spoken to them, had a few conversations that consisted of more than a couple of words, but they’re not exactly friends. She’s just here because she’s the daughter of Park Gayoon – to not invite her would be the equivalent of snubbing her in public. It’s simply not done.

And besides – it’s supposed to be the wedding of the year. She couldn’t very well not attend, now, could she? Everyone’s going to be there. If she skips out on it, there’ll be hell to pay with her mother. And she promised Heechul she’d keep him up to date with the latest gossip. She’s obligated to go, really.

Oh, alright. She bought a gorgeous new dress for the event, and considering how everything’s been going to hell lately, she really, really wants to feel pretty and just have some fun. She’s not sure how she’s going to get out of drinking alcohol without alerting everyone to the fact that there’s something going on with her, but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t try her hardest.

Although she loves the dress – really, really loves it – she approaches it with a fair amount of apprehension. She’s not too far along, but…what if it doesn’t fit anymore? She doesn’t think she’s gained any weight (especially as she’s spent most of her time throwing up lately), but –

She’s being silly. She knows she is. But now she’s looking at the dress on its hanger, she can’t bear the idea that it might be too small. Maybe she should have gotten a size up.

Maybe she should stop being so stupid and try the damned thing on.

Sighing at herself, she grabs the dress and stalks over to the bed to lay it down. She shimmies out of her oversized nightshirt, discards it on the floor (because she’s a messy pig and she admits it, okay. She lives alone, no one can stop her). There’s a second of contemplation; a half-formed thought about the other dresses she could wear if this one doesn’t work out, but then she’s sighing again (she really is an idiot).

The dress slips on easily – it fits as well as it did the last time – in fact, better, because this time, she’s not trying it on in a hot changing room as Narae whines about being thirsty. There’s a certain sense of triumph – a happy sort of reassurance, if you will – as if to say, ‘I might be knocked up but I can still be one hot mama.’ She knows if Narae ever heard her saying that, she’d never hear the end of it, but it is truly how she feels.

Though, the tight bodice isn’t doing her ever-nauseous stomach any favours. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers, and she has a reputation to hold up; that of Heechul’s younger step-sister. He’d hate to think she wasn’t making jaws drop somewhere; being well-dressed is just one aspect of that. If only he knew what a jaw-dropping secret she was carrying, she thinks.

She’ll tell him eventually. She just…can’t deal with anybody’s censure at the moment, not when it’s so new and…sensitive. She shakes her head to dispel any lingering unhappiness; today is supposed to be about having a laugh. She’s not even going to think about the baby – not today.

Yes. She can do this. She can have fun, it’s fine – no one’s going to kill her for being herself for one more day, of course not. And it’s perfectly fine to wear five inch heels – people might think something’s off if she wears flats, after all, and she’s trying not to make anyone suspicious. It’s not like she’s going to fall over in them and crush the baby or something (is the baby even big enough to crush? She’s not sure she wants to think about that).

Narae doesn’t seem to agree when she comes to pick her up, if the unimpressed look she gets is any indication. Fortunately, she says nothing, aware of her brother (who still knows nothing of Hyerin’s…little problem) in the car. She accepts Hyerin’s compliment on her gorgeous red velvet dress with a vague grunt and indicates the back seat, because Jongdae has taken the shotgun position. He grins cheekily at her, clearly not at all apologetic. Stupid little bastard. If he wasn’t so pretty, she’d be forced to hate him. Whatever her faults, Lee Minseul does create attractive children.

Silence reigns for the first few minutes of their car journey, broken only by Jongdae’s incessant fiddling with the radio and Narae’s exasperated sighs when he won’t just leave the damn thing alone. Hyerin is about to step in and bat Jongdae’s hand away from the bloody radio in order to stop the siblings squabbling when Narae decides to speak.

“So,” she says airily, in a suspiciously light tone. “You didn’t bring a date?” Hyerin can feel her forehead furrowing in confusion. Why would she bring a date? She’s not with anyone, and the few people she’d consider taking with her have already been invited.

“…no.” She blinks, a little confused about where Narae is going with this. Jongdae doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on either, as he lets his hands drop from the radio (finally) to stare at his sister. “Why would I?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Yeah, something’s definitely going on. She sounds far too breezy, and Park Narae does not do breezy. “I would have thought you’d have gone with Siwon.”

Sometimes she hates her best friend, she really does. “I told you,” she says through gritted teeth, pissed off that she’s brought this up in front of Jongdae, “we’re not on speaking terms right now.”

“Huh?” Jongdae pipes up, clearly not having been informed of this new development. “Noona, what the hell – you and Siwon-hyung are best friends. Why the are you not talking?”

“Language, Jongdae!” Narae says playfully, her impersonation of their mother a little too convincing as they hover at a red light. Jongdae snorts. She doesn’t bother to clear up the mess she’s just made; oh no, she leaves the explaining to Hyerin, who is in a very delicate emotional state right now, but does she care? Does she hell.

“We just had a little bit of an argument, Jongdae.” Hyerin says quickly. “Just as your sister and I will if she doesn’t stop this right now.” She glares at Narae through the rear-view mirror. Narae has the gall to whistle innocently, as if she didn’t just piss her best friend off.

“Stop what? All I did was ask a question…” She asked because she thinks Hyerin needs to smack some sense into Siwon; it’s not like him to be so…well, so ungentlemanly, if that’s a word. And if the baby is his, then they’ll need to get their together, and fast. Her meddling is meant well (or at least, that’s what she tells herself as Hyerin glares at her once more).

Hyerin doesn’t bother to dignify that with a response, instead choosing to huff and stare deliberately out of the window. Jongdae looks perplexed, but doesn’t question it, too used to his sister and her best friend to look too much into it.

(And even though she’s not speaking to Narae right now, she jumps in with a yell of her own when Jongdae starts messing with the radio again. Female solidarity and all that)

By the time they make it to the fancy hotel, set in several acres of beautiful parkland, the atmosphere in the car is ridiculously tense and uncomfortable. Jongdae sprints off as soon as he can, claiming he’s spotted a friend over by the bower (alright, so he doesn’t know Chanyeol that well, but he still counts as a friend. He does), leaving the two girls to pout at one another.

“I was only trying to help – “

“You didn’t have to do that in front of Jong –“

They stare at one another for a heated moment, before Hyerin rolls her eyes. She’s not that mad – not really – but why did she have to bring up Siwon on a day when she just wanted to enjoy herself?

“Really.” Narae says softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I just…wanted to bring it up in a way that wouldn’t seem weird to Jongdae.” She looks guilty as she says this, because really, she knows she probably could have handled it better. Maybe.

“It’s just – I don’t want to think about him.” She says in a rush, hoping Narae understands. “Not after how we left…things. It makes me feel totally .”

Narae nods, her expression turning apologetic. “Sorry. Really.”

Hyerin waves off the apology, already tired of their little tiff. “ it. I don’t care anymore. Let’s just get out of this car and have a good time, alright?”

The other woman nods, bends down to pick up her clutch bag as Hyerin slides out of the car. When she’s ready to climb out herself, Hyerin is waiting by the door, hand extended so she can link their arms together.

She never could stay mad at her best friend for very long.

***

They weren’t invited to the actual ceremony – that was for real friends and family – so the party is already somewhat underway when they make it to the gardens. A tall, gangling man with a giant smile and glittering (yes, glittering – only he would think glitter was appropriate) waistcoat bounds over to them immediately.

“Ladies! You’re here! Finally, me and Kyuhyun we beginning to think we’d have to play it straight with inferior escorts.” His grin widens, becomes just a little bit sneaky. Zhou Mi might be a little crazy, a little camp, but underneath it all he knows exactly what he’s doing.

The aforementioned Kyuhyun sidles up next to him, snorting. “Speak for yourself Mi, but I actually like women. Any I’d find would always be up to my high standards.”

Zhou Mi rolls his eyes, amused by the fact that Kyuhyun always has to remind him he likes women too. It’s a way to make their…little arrangement seem less binding, a way to let Zhou Mi know that he has other options.

He plays the game too, lets his fingers linger just a little too long on another man’s on the pretence of sizing him for one of his collections, graze his fingers over someone’s crotch accidentally. Because Kyuhyun needs to learn that he is just as desired – just as wanted – even if he only plays for one team.

But that’s not what they’re here for, so he pushes any thought of Kyuhyun and what Kyuhyun does to the back of his mind. He holds out an arm to Hyerin, who takes it with a smile. He watches Kyuhyun offer his own arm to Narae out of the corner of his eye, hears him ask after her brother politely – only, he knows it’s a little more than politeness.

Kyuhyun’s had his eye on Jongdae for quite a while now. And that’s fine – he just hopes that Kyuhyun doesn’t hurt the poor boy. He is younger, after all.

***

They play at being part of high society, introduce themselves to matrons draped in jewels, and aging CEOs with their much younger, plastic wives. Hyerin’s cheeks begin to ache from all the smiling, but she’s actually enjoying herself. It’s fun because Zhou Mi whispers all sorts of naughty things about the people they’re meeting in her ears, things she stores away carefully for future reference. She wonders if Zhou Mi calls Heechul like she does. They’ve always been good friends, and Heechul has always loved the way Seasoning knows everything about everybody.

She thanks god that she hasn’t bumped into her mother – she’s still terrified she’d be able to magically sniff out her pregnancy, or something – and she’s feeling rather peckish when Zhou Mi wanders off to get everyone drinks. She’s about to nudge Narae, suggest they go follow one of the overwhelmed servers to the kitchen when she sees him.

Her blood runs ice cold, because, intellectually, she knew Siwon would be here.

She just didn’t think that meant she would see him.

She knows he’s spotted her; she can feel his gaze scorching the back of her neck as she scoots behind Narae. “.” She whispers into her best friend’s ear. “He’s here!”

“Well, yes.” Narae says dryly. “He got an invite too, I should imagine he’s here.” She doesn’t need to ask who he is. She can tell from the tension in Hyerin’s shoulders, the way her hand slides down to her belly, as if to keep it from roiling in pain.

“I have to go.” Her voice is tight – mainly because is constricted by the bile that is currently rising in (why does everything have to end in her being sick nowadays? It’s so not fair).

“You can’t!” Narae protests, glad that Kyuhyun followed Zhou Mi, and is therefore not here to earwig on any sensitive conversations. “They haven’t even started dancing yet, you love dancing!” It’s a poor excuse, but she doesn’t think Hyerin should leave – she was having such a nice time, and it was so good to see her bouncy instead of depressed.

She does love dancing, but she also hates confrontation, especially public confrontation. She’s willing to forgo the fun to minimise any chance of being yelled at.

“He’s not going to bite your head off.” Narae sighs. “You can avoid him for the rest of the night, can’t you?” He hasn’t come over to them – he’s too busy explaining what he’s been doing with his life to Kyuhyun’s father. She assumes he’s not telling him about the fact he’s potentially fathered a child.

“I don’t know, he’s fairly conspicuous.” Hyerin says sarcastically, but Narae can tell she’s won this round. “Please stay with me at all times?” It’s more of a plea than a request, so Narae nods in response.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let the big, bad Siwon get you.” She croons with a smirk, squawking in pain when Hyerin hits her upside of her head.

It was funny, okay!

***

There’s a buzz of fake excitement when dinner is announced, flighty wisps of girls declaring that they’re famished, absolutely famished – and Hyerin doesn’t doubt they are, because she’s not sure she’s ever seen any of them actually eat. People converge into little groups, stare at the seating plan in a haze of disinterested concentration. Fake platitudes abound when they are not sat with their new acquaintances, but it’s just an unsaid fact – everyone is happier to be sat with their friends; especially those that keep their secrets.

For Hyerin and Narae, there is no such excitement – one look at the seating plan is enough to have the both of them sighing in dismay. Because the bride and groom do not know them well – or, perhaps because the wedding planner was lazy – they have sat them with their respective families.

“Why do they never sit us together?” There’s a slight whine to Hyerin’s voice, underlain with a touch of fear. She can’t sit with her mother, she just can’t – not when there’s no one to act as a buffer between them.

Narae shrugs miserably, resigned to an hour or more of her mother’s pointless rambling. “Maybe the universe is conspiring against us.” She offers, lips curving up into a sarcastic smile.

Hyerin scoffs, her eyeroll a practiced gesture. “Honey, I think I know that much.” She tilts her head down towards her stomach, lets out an uneasy laugh because she’s still so uncomfortable with mentioning it. She doesn’t know how to explain it, but the whole idea of being pregnant makes her queasy.

They both chuckle together, pretending that it’s funny, when they both know it’s really not, and Narae is aware that if Hyerin’s mother somehow finds out about the baby, everyone is toast. And she means literally everyone – Park Gayoon’s tantrums are legendary, and while they make for good stories, they aren’t exactly fun to experience.

“It’s one hour. One hour of dealing with being in close proximity to our mothers, and then we can escape – well, I can’t.” Narae still lives with her mother – a fact which Hyerin would mock her for if she didn’t know how hard Narae had been trying to move out for the past eight years. “But we can avoid them, like we do most of the time.”

Sometimes, Hyerin wonders what it’s like to have a mother you actually want to spend time with, but the idea is so alien to her that she usually dismisses it. Narae may be something of a daddy’s girl, but she’s never truly gotten on with her mother, and neither has Jongdae. It’s just what happens when you have a mother who’d rather focus on her social life than her children; Hyerin has always known her mother was never going to care, especially when there was yet another party to be going to.

Her childhood memories mainly consist of her seeing her mother only as she strode out of the door to yet another engagement, of her mother’s many weddings and her numerous stepfathers. There are some good ones, of course – mainly involving her friends and Heechul – but none of them involve her mother, and they certainly don’t involve her father.

It makes twist into an ironic smile as she takes her place at the dinner table, greets her companions – including her mother – with polite gentility, and prepares to stay as quiet as she can throughout the dinner. The parallels between her upbringing and the one her (why does it still make her want to twitch when she thinks the word?) child will experience are almost painful.

She thanks god that she won’t have to endure dessert with her mother; it’s barely been a minute, and her mother is already commenting on the fact that she looks a little…hmm, what’s the word? – fuller than the last time they saw one another. If only you knew, mother, she thinks darkly. If only you knew.

***

After the long, interminable dinner – in which she was forced to pretend she’s on some new diet in order to explain her refusal to drink alcohol – they finally get to dessert. She’s not going to lie and say she’s not a sugar addict, and she’s been eyeing the little booths full of every sweet treat imaginable since they came into the room.

The place looks nice. Crystal chandeliers and flowers, that kind of thing, normal faire for a society wedding. There’s some kind of fountain/pond combination at the end of the room, and a circular structure that’s been acting as a bar. It all looks vaguely tropical and summery, a theme her mother has deemed incredibly tacky, but who cares what her mother thinks?

Not her. Definitely not her. Especially when her mother turned her nose up at her dress and (of course) made disparaging comments about how much she was eating. She couldn’t exactly tell her she’s eating for two now, so she just tried to ignore her and pretend that her attitude really wasn’t affecting her.

She takes the first chance to rush away from the table – still terrified that her mother will somehow notice she’s pregnant – and ends up hovering behind Narae’s chair, silently pressuring her to put her knife and fork down. Her best friend notices her presence immediately, and turns to speak to her even as Hyerin is bowing her head politely and greeting everyone in as light a voice as she can manage.

When Narae has finally managed to excuse herself from the table (she’s quite glad to avoid her mother’s eagle-eyed stare), she joins Hyerin in a long-suffering sigh. “What is it about our mothers that makes them so impossible to deal with?” She groans, placing her hand against her forehead in an exaggerated display of displeasure.

Hyerin shakes her head, not able to put what her mother makes her feel into words. “They’re both a nightmare, I swear.” Her hands are still shaking; she puts this down to pure fear of being discovered as pregnant, and not just a reaction to the fact that she’s just realised Siwon is sat a mere two tables away.

They both head towards the display of desserts without saying anymore, knowing that while it might not make their problems disappear, something sweet is always a nice distraction. They take a plate and hand them over to tired servers, Hyerin grabbing Narae’s plate out of her hand and shoving it at the waitress when she hesitates to take something she wants to eat. She’s not going to let her friend deny herself.

She tugs Narae by the hand towards the ice cream stall, her plate already loaded with cheesecake and meringue; she feels she deserves it when she feels so damn mixed up. But fate does not seem to be on her side today, because as they near the stall, who should be there but Siwon, smiling and chatting to the waitress?

“ my life,” she whispers, Narae barely keeping a hold of her full plate as Hyerin prepares to fling herself behind a pillar.

She’s not exactly good at being surreptitious, however, because Siwon turns around just as they’re about to walk away, one eyebrow quirked in amusement. Bastard. “You can’t hide from me forever, Rin-ah.” He sounds smug; proud that he’s caught her. She almost hates him for it – what the hell is he doing, addressing her when he made it pretty obvious he didn’t want to deal with her?

Alright, so she’s now really confused, and her dessert is melting; it was entirely logical to pretend she didn’t hear him (when she so obviously did) and walk across to the other side of the room for no reason.

“So…” Narae starts, clearly not understanding what just happened. “We’re not talking to Siwon, then?”

“No.” She hisses, stabbing her fork into her cake viciously (how she wishes it was Siwon’s . . That was kind of cruel, even for her. Is it too early to blame hormones?). “We are not talking to that bastard. What the hell does he think he’s doing, thinking he can just talk to me like that?”

“Er…” Her best friend gulps, not really prepared for this mood change. “Well, um, you guys are friends. It’s not really…unexpected for him to seek you out after an…argument?” She tries, too afraid to look at the (probably insane) expression on Hyerin’s face.

“Hmph.” It’s not a satisfactory response, but Narae’s not sure she’s going to get a better one, so she leaves her best friend to her irrational emotions and prays to god that she and Siwon fix this, and soon. She doesn’t want Hyerin to end up in prison, or something. Orange jumpsuits aren’t a good look for anybody.

Hyerin will admit to sometimes loving the exhilaration of high society, but some days, it just makes her want to run away; to just go home and sleep because this constant pressure to be somebody is exhausting. She knows everyone here by sight – but the people she actually knows are few and far between – she does not want to discuss Mr and Mrs Kim’s new holiday home, does not want to coo over pictures of the Lees’ third child (she has her own child to be worrying about, thanks). All she really wants to do is curl up in bed and cry, because everything feels so impossible and because Siwon is doing nothing but confusing her.

“I miss him.” She admits in a hushed, embarrassed voice; Narae has to lean in to hear her. “I miss the stupid , alright?”

Narae hums in response, unable to think of an appropriate reply; she already knew this, but then she’s not sure if she should tell Hyerin to go over and sort it out with him, or wait for Siwon to come to them.

“It’s only been what, two weeks, and I – I don’t know what to do without him!” She huffs, humiliated by the admission, and by the crack in her voice.

“Oh, great, so I’m not good enough for you?” Narae jokes, despite the fact her pout is real.

“Babe, you know I love you.” Hyerin rolls her eyes again, glad of the chance to regroup and control her unsettled emotions. “But I love him too, and well, you know…he’s involved.” She looks away after she finishes that last little statement, unable to commit to its meaning, and so she misses Narae’s penetrating stare.

To be honest, Narae’s always wondered if perhaps there was a little more going on between Hyerin and Siwon than either of them acknowledged; the fact that they slept together wasn’t entirely unexpected.

“I do know he’s involved,” her voice is dry, a little sardonic and very reminiscent of her brother’s. “And I understand that you’d miss him. He gives you stuff I can’t.” There’s a tiny undercurrent of jealousy; a sadness that she can’t be the only person who means this much to Hyerin, but she pushes it away because she knows it’s silly. Her possessiveness stems from her own need to be loved – and when she says similar things about her other friends, she knows Hyerin feels the same way.

There’s a pause, in which they decide to finish their rapidly-melting desserts. Years of enforced breeding ensure that they eat delicately, that they don’t scrape their forks against the plate in an unseemly manner. Hyerin is distracted, however, and even as she forks a bit of cheesecake in , Narae can see her glancing over to Siwon’s side of the room.

Her gaze is wistful, a little too full of regret because even if this baby isn’t his, she’s not sure how they can go back to the way they were before.

And if the baby is his, then their relationship will be irrevocably changed.

***

As it turns out, she doesn’t need to find him; he finds her as she’s placing her plate on the table for the waiters to collect. She knows it’s him as soon as she feels a pair of hands on her waist, and his breath in her ear. “Can we stop playing this game?” He whispers, and she’s not sure whether or not the fact that his arms around her make her feel secure is a good or a bad thing. “There’s a lot at stake here, sweetheart.” The subtle reminder makes her stomach clench.

She turns around, lets his arms fall from her waist. “Sure.” The word is bitten off uncomfortably, because she’s not sure how to play this. She’s not sure who’s on the right side in this…well, she’s not sure – can it be called an argument?

“Honey, I never meant to hurt you.” The sincerity in his tone makes her feel even guiltier. “It was just – just a shock, you know?”

She sighs, forces away the sarcastic comment about how she wasn’t exactly expecting this either. “Yeah, I know. I never – look, Siwon, you really need to understand I’m not asking for anything.” She coughs, looks down at her shoes because she’s not sure she can stand to look him in the eye at the moment. “I just – we’re best friends. Even without – well, you know” – she hurries over the fact that he may in fact be responsible for her current condition because she’s pretty sure neither one of them want to think about it – “you’d have been one of the first people I’d have told.”

She hopes he can hear the unspoken words of because that’s how much you mean to me. He nods.

“So – yeah.” She doesn’t know what to say, because he’s not really saying anything. She opens , wanting to explain, to fix things somehow – but the loud, microphone-amplified voice of one of the singers interrupts her.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you’d like to take to the stage – it’s time…to dance!” The words are eager, but the hoarseness of his voice belies his exhaustion. The band have been playing for hours.

Siwon’s lips curve into a genuine smile. He laughs. “Babe? Just shut up and dance with me.” snaps shut, and because it’s a chance to stop talking and stop thinking, she lets him pull her onto the dancefloor.

They’re one of several couples, the rest laughing and whirling about to the music in a swirl of silk and loud chatter. He threads the fingers of one hand through hers, places the other on her waist and draws her close.

She rests her head on his shoulder, and breathes out slowly. “I missed you.” She whispers. “We’ve never  had a disagreement like this…I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

His hands tighten around her waist. “I missed you too. And…I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

He can feel her eyes dampening against his neck. “S’okay.” She mumbles, her arms around his neck. “I told you I was pregnant. And that it might possibly be yours. You were entitled to freak out.” As long as you came back, she thinks, secretly.

They’re swaying to the music, not really following the beat but instead using the excuse of dancing to get close to one another. “And I shouldn’t have let you run away like that. I’m your best friend – and now your potential baby daddy” – she manages a laugh – “I should have supported you. You just…took me by surprise.”

“You’re a good man, Siwon.” She lifts her head to look up at him. “I’m sorry I’ve dragged you into this mess. It’s not exactly what I was expecting.”

“I doubt anyone was, sweetheart.” His grin is unconvincing, but she’s grateful for his attempt to lighten the mood.

“Or rather, no one is expecting this,” she frowns. “Only you, me and Narae are aware of the…little annoyance.”

His lips quirk up in a semblance of a true smile. “Pet name?”

She glares. “That’s what it is.”

He snorts a laugh. “You’re really taking to motherhood, aren’t you?” He sweeps them around another a couple, laughing when she presses a finger to his lips to stop him spilling any more of her secret.

Her heart twists, because she’s not taking to motherhood, and the only thing she can do is fake a smile as the song ends.

He doesn’t let her go, however. She’s not sure what to read into that, so she lets him start another dance with her, and she pretends.

She pretends that they’re still just friends and this doesn’t mean anything.

The chapter title is taken from Darren Hayes' album of the same name. Also, a big cheer for the waiters and the band in this chapter - I work at events like this, and it is not easy. :P