Dear Chanyeol,

Well.. You gave me my first heartache.

After our little scene at the prom night, I came up with a decision. That I would tell you my feelings about you.

After that night, I was so sure that you felt the same way. You have no idea how I wasn't able to sleep the night you send me home after that. I would have confessed right there and then, but I chickened out. That whole night, I was thinking of how should I cross that thin line that between our friendship and love. I was afraid, I might add.

Afraid that I was assuming things, but the blissful feeling that comes with the flashbacks of our prom night made me think that maybe, just maybe, you felt the same way about me.

I prepared the next day. Wore my best dress, and texted you and asked if we could meet at a restaurant. Our favorite pizza house. You replied with an "okay" which was a bit unusual, considering how even in texts, you were such a happy virus but I shrugged it off. Around lunch time, I arrived at the said restaurant looking all happy and.. nervous. I want to chicken out once more, but I knew better than to prolong my little confession.

You came not a minute after, looking like your usual self. Stunning, yet not aware of the look people were throwing at you. We ate lunch like how we used to. As if nothing have change, and it made me quite nervous. The way you treated me then, it was the same as everyday but I remember that, it was the same reason I even fell in love with you in the first place, right?

You asked me to watch a movie with you. A sappy, too romantic for my liking, tear jerking movie. It was one of the many things I find weird about you, honestly. What's with you and those sappy movies? If we didn't spend our whole lives together, I would have thought that you're gay. Haha. Just kidding, Yeol. So back to my story, we watch the freakin movie with you commenting how good it was every other minute, and me throwing you annoyed look. The movie thing made me forgot the whole confession, but you put your (long) arms at the back of my chair casually, making my heart beat faster than the usual. Then the sudden urge to confess came again, but confessing inside a movie theater is so damn cliche, so I waited till we finish the movie.

Finally, the movie had ended and I asked you to go to the park (yea, I know. Still cliche as ever. But hey, I was too young to come up with a better idea okay) so you agreed. Hell, I thought my heart would jump right out off my chest while we were walking. Like seriously, I was so goddamn nervous then. I still can remember how I tripped every 5 minutes just because I can't walk straight. Fortunately, we managed to get in there safely.

I was lost in words. I want to just get over it and scream and tell you I love you and maybe kiss you till we ran out of breath. But I was too nervous. I wasn't usually the type to think things through, or to just to say something as important as that in a simple way, much more, in a freakin park. You know me, I love surprises. I love the thrill. But above everything, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I cross that thin line, it might ruin everything. Turn everything into a waste.

With these thoughts in mind, I prolonged my little confession by casually asking you about your day. I remember how you told me that you were so thankful I called you and you were blabbering about how ing bored you were...

And I just said it.

That little "I love you, Chanyeol"

And being the idiot you were, you casually replied with, "Well, I love you too Hanseul" I would have jumped out of joy, but it dawned upon me that you mistook it as me, saying 'i love you' like we always do as a greeting.

So I said it again, With much determination I whispered, "No, I am in love with you" And next thing I knew, you took off. You stared at me wide eyed, and then.. you ran away

Back then, I thought that rejection hurts. But being left alone hurts more.

I was confused. I was thinking 'Why?' you could have said 'No', but you did not. Which added to my pain. Because back then, I thought that you don't feel the same and you were too afraid to hurt me. But it still hurts.

The way I watch you disappear as the sun sets, the way you just turned your back at me. It broke my heart in a way I didn't imagine I could feel. I cried and cried in that swing where you left me, thinking "Where did I go wrong?" and then, I thought that maybe.. I assumed too much. So with that in mind, I went back home with my heart broken.

I am not blaiming you for it, Yeol. I think that what made me stronger. Having my heart break made me stronger. And I thank you for that, Yeollie.

Honestly, I think heartaches make us stronger. It make us realize that love is not always happy rainbows or unicorns.. That in reality, love hurts.

P.S Ah, heart aches are part of our lives, right? Now now, I am surely expecting that you're over the little heartache I gave you? Move on, Yeol. You deserve the happiness I wasn't able to give.

Love,

Han Seul