Things kind of went back to normal, or however close to normal you can get in their circumstance.

The girls were very supportive of Tiffany, giving her space when she needed it and smothered her with love when love was called for. They knew they had to tread a thin line between being supportive and being detrimental. It seemed that whenever they got too close, Tiffany would take two steps back and they would have to start all over again. So instead, like Jessica had told Taeyeon before, they played the waiting game.

They waited for Tiffany to approach them. It was never the other way around. Soon, they had worked out a system. Tiffany still evidently had trouble asking for help, and Taeyeon noticed the younger girl would sometimes lightly strum the inside of her thighs with her thumb when she was bothered or frustrated. Almost like she was strumming her guitar. Knowing the younger girl would say nothing was bothering her if she was outright asked if anything was wrong, Taeyeon took to using not-so-subtle hints. The kid-leader would playfully shove Tiffany out the door, saying she needed help to buy groceries or something else mundane. Then the two of them would simply walk around aimlessly, neither saying anything.

For Tiffany, this was enough. She often just needed some time to cool down and stop thinking so much. Taeyeon’s calm and composed companionship seemed the best for that, and Tiffany always went home feeling a slight bit better.

Jessica also picked up on another one of Tiffany’s little quirks and she actually wondered how she hadn’t seen it before. The younger girl would absentmindedly the ring hanging from her neck every time she seemed to be deep in thought, and Jessica knew Tiffany intimately enough that most days, her thoughts turned to Lexi and her family. So Jessica relaxed Tiffany in her own way.

She knew the younger girl was very physically driven. Physical exertion seemed to be able to take Tiffany’s mind off things. Jessica noticed that their -life had started to become more physically demanding. Tiffany gradually started amp things up in the bedroom, sometimes getting so hard and rough on Jessica that she felt the danger of Tiffany leaving marks or breaking skin. The younger girl was never abusive to her in any way though, it was just that there seemed to be less and less tender moments in between sessions, almost like Tiffany was drowning herself in .

It was at times like these that Jessica could really tell the difference between just ‘’ and ‘making love’. Jessica knew Tiffany was using her in a sense, but she had no problems with that. Tiffany was her girlfriend, and if rough was what Tiffany needed to help her, then Jessica would gladly comply. Jessica allowed Tiffany to use her body for because she loved her. They didn’t have to be ‘making love’ for Jessica to be confident of Tiffany’s love for her. ‘Making love’ meant there was a presence of love, but ‘’ did not mean there was a lack of it.

On top of a more strenuous -life, Jessica also made Tiffany take her along on her boxing sessions. She forced Tiffany to teach her how to box, because although Jessica knew she would never be a match for Tiffany, she still liked the idea of perhaps holding her own if an altercation arose. Jessica knew that Tiffany didn’t get much out of sparring with her, so she was totally fine with the younger girl having friendly matches with the other men in the gym, as long as Tiffany didn’t get too roughed up, which was actually almost never. The men in the gyms were not the men in the fight rings. They weren’t beasts.

Jessica tried really really hard to keep Tiffany from the illegal fight rings, which is where she knew Tiffany got most of her action and almost most of her injuries. She even tried outright asking Tiffany to stop going, but Tiffany told her she wasn’t confident enough to give her a firm reply. It would be better to fess up rather than to lie to Jessica and Jessica had to at least appreciate Tiffany’s honesty. The younger girl said that she still often felt the need to feel pain and that sometimes the yearning was so bad that she found herself letting herself be beaten and banged around. Jessica knew this was a psychological issue of some sort and tried to persuade Tiffany to perhaps see a psych.

The results of that conversation had been…explosive.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Oh gawd Steph…have you been fighting again? Your ribs aren’t even fully healed yet!”

“I’m sorry.”

“How the hell does no one ever notice that you slip out at night? You know I’ve slept with my ears pressed to my door in order to catch you and you still manage to get out undetected!”

“You sleep like the dead Jessi.”

“That’s not the point. Tiffany…are you even trying to stop yourself from going? Are you even making an effort to stop?”

“I do. But sometimes it’s not enough. I go and I always feel better afterwards. My body heals in a few days and there are no permanent lasting consequences. My mind doesn’t feel like there are disadvantages at all to going, so it’s hard to stop myself.

“Steph…you know that’s a really twisted and messed up way of thinking right?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe…you should consider going to see a psyc–”

“No. Don’t you even dare ask me to participate in that shrink voodoo.”

“Nayeong unnie went, and it really helped her.”

“I’m not Nayeong! I’m not anyone else! I’m Tiffany! Or did you forget that?! Did you forget that you’re not dealing with Stephanie anymore?! Could you please stop calling me Stephanie?!”

“Tiff…please…”

“NO! I’d rather scream myself hoarse every night, dreaming of my dead and gone sister than go to a freaking shrink who thinks he can pick me apart like some crow at a mangled road kill carcass!”

“Tiffany you’re not even trying t–”

“HOW AM I NOT TRYING?! I’m back aren’t I? I haven’t tried to directly kill myself again have I? I’m going to practice and schedules and being on time and smiling and smiling and smiling like the freaking idiot they all take me for! I let them pull me and push me and mold me into a bubbly freak who loves pink and doesn’t have another goddamn care in the world other than flashing her freaking eyesmile!

Everyday I go and become someone that isn’t me! It’s not me Jessi! I entered this business because I needed it Jessica! Because I needed the stability and money it offered. But that need is gone now. And yet I am still here, hanging on, continuing to try and have some semblance of normality in my life. Why? Because I’m trying. Goddamnit I’m trying so hard. Everyday it’s a struggle but I drag myself through regardless. Why can’t you se