Saturday, June 18th 2022

After sending Nayeong off to work by dinking on her bike, Tiffany went back home.

She found the fridge stocked with leftovers and the busted sliding screen door she had been meaning to fix for weeks now working without a hitch.

Jaesung must have done some maintenance while he was here.

Tiffany smiled to herself.

Her doll was in good hands.

The thug took a quick shower and then walked to her room completely , small beads of water rolling down the curve of her back and down her shapely legs.

She was alone and there was really no need to care too much about her state, not that she cared much when the girls were around anyways. It’s not like they haven’t all seen each other . But because Jessica was around and Tiffany knew her to be the jealous type, she made a point of being a little more careful with showing her skin. Not that Jessica had ever said anything or asked that of her, but Tiffany figured that if it was within her power, she should do it. Because as far as she herself was concerned, she too wasn’t much a fan of anyone else seeing her Jessi , even if it was just her members.

But now that she was alone, it felt slightly liberating to be able to walk around in this state of undress. Tiffany couldn’t help but imagine doing something like this in her own apartment. An apartment she shared with Jessica.

Now there was a thought…

Tiffany shook her head rousingly to get herself to concentrate.

She rummaged around the back of her closet, searching for the thin wooden box she had hidden there behind her shoeboxes. Feeling her hands brush past the smooth wooden surface, she grasped it and pulled it out.

The wooden casing was smooth and simple, yet also elegant with a quiet grace. The joints were dovetail joints, fashioned and sanded to almost velvet smooth consistency by mom’s own touch. The wood itself was purpleheart wood that mom herself had chosen and cut, and despite the years, it still gave off whiffs of that faint wonderful woodsy scent Tiffany loved. Everything about the box held whispers and secrets of Allison Drewbrooke’s dexterous skillful hands. Hands that had crafted countless beautiful wooden carvings, charcoal paintings, watercolor masterpieces. Hands that had held, caressed, and loved all four of her beloved children. Gentle, loveworn hands that had created this piece in hopes her son could learn understand that no matter how violent and ill-willed the object of weaponry that would lay inside this box…kindness, humanity, and a mother’s love was always greater and would always always protect him and overcome it.

Engraved into the wooden grains of the inside of the lid, in the beautiful cursive hand personally penned by mom, were the words:

‘We love in spite…’

Tiffany remembered how Dominic had cried when Mom had handed him the box. Mom also had tears in her eyes, but they never fell. Allison vowed to be strong for her son despite the pain he was putting her through. She felt it was the least she could do for her son, who would soon be separated from her by miles and miles of dessert and ocean expanses.

We love in spite…

At a quick glance, anyone would have seen it an appalling thing to say to your son who was leaving to serve their country, leaving to where they could be gunned down and killed at any given time.

But Dominic understood his mother’s love and what she wanted to say.

It was not love steeped in spite and malice, rather, it was a mother’s undying and unconditional love for a son who was choosing a path she so vehemently and passionately disagreed with. What was left unspoken in that phrase meant so much more to Dominic than any spoken or written word.

His mother would forever love him no matter what road and path he chose to walk and tread. It extended beyond this one decision to join the military. It extended beyond anything he had ever done in the past to hurt or disappoint his mother. It extended beyond anything he would or could ever do in the future.

That was his mother’s love for him.

‘We love in spite…’

It was hard to imagine that within this box lay an instrument of such ill omen and of such horrible past.

Tiffany opened the box with wisps of her past swirling about her like vengeful spirits.

The heartbreaking moment the instrument was laid inside this beautiful box, it’s owner bound for lands far far away.

The violent moments the instrument had seen in the arid dunes of Afghanistan, where it had seen the blood of men who were deemed ‘foe’, strapped to the boot of its carrier.

The agonizing moment when the instrument was wielded by its owner to betray the ones he vowed to protect.

The heart wrenching moment when the instrument was plunged through muscle, bone, and sinew, straight into the heart of its possessor.

The terrible moment when said instrument was returned to a young girl who, even now, bore the mark of its devastation.

And lastly, the fearful moment when the instrument was strapped to the chest of a young girl in hopes of self-preservation.

Dominic’s knife.

The very knife Stephanie was attacked with at the hands of her own brother; the very knife that had and lodged itself into her brother’s chest and rid him of life, the very knife that Tiffany had requested be returned to her after her brother’s case had been deemed a suicidal death under no suspicious circumstances, the very same knife that Tiffany had strapped to her chest to protect herself against Gura.

Tiffany now held the knife in her hands and she could almost feel the blinding pain on her back. She closed her eyes and laid the knife back into its wooden confines. Taking out her leather holster, she strapped it to her chest and slid the knife into its leather pocket, tightening the straps accordingly so that the knife sat snugly along the diagonals of her torso.

It no longer belonged in that box.

That box was made out of love, but the knife was everything the box was not.

Tiffany had held onto the knife for too long, in a desperate bid to somehow keep her dead brother closer to herself.

It wasn’t healthy nor was it normal.

But for the longest time, she saw it as the last thing that Dominic had touched. It was the last thing that was the closest to him, the most intimate to him. It was once wrapped with the muscles of her brother, his heart beating around that wretched steel, his blood flowing in rivulets down its steel blade. Every part of him, everything that made Dominic live and breathe…it had touched this knife.

It was also the closest she had ever gotten to her brother.

Her blood had run along that same steel edge.

Her blood too had been shed by the same sharp steel.

So when Dominic had plunged it into his beating heart, he had plunged a bit of her deep inside him. For that briefest of seconds, before Dominic had died, he had lived with a part of her beating in his heart. She had been with him in the moment he perished. So despite not being to tell him she loved him, despite not being able to hold him as he breathed his last, she had been there, inside.

It was a twisted way to see it, but somehow, the knife had brought her comfort for many years, convinced her that somehow, Dominic knew of her unspoken words that night despite never having heard it from .

But now…Tiffany knew it was wrong to think that way.

She could no longer have the ghost of Dominic’s madness and insanity hanging around her like a millstone around her neck.

His dog tag had been heavy enough, but the knife…it was even more oppressive in every way possible.

She needed to let it go.

Tiffany dressed quickly in her characteristic thug-wear and then headed out, getting on the train to take her to the province of Buan.

It was a long journey and most of the passengers fell asleep, but Tiffany couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes.

Despite knowing she had to let go, there was a tiny part of her that didn’t and almost couldn’t bear to lose this last piece of Dominic that she held. So she spent the entire ride running her finger along the leather edge of the holster, thumbing the hard edge of the strap in order to substantiate that it was still there with her, that a part of Dominic was still there, close to her body.

When she finally arrived at Buan in the late afternoon, she hailed a taxi to take her the rest of the way to the Jeokbyeokgang cliffs.

The driver was an elderly man who lived nearby. He lived with his son and daughter in law who owned and maintained a small traditional hanok by the village close to the cliffs. Not many tourists came here at this time of year and he was especially friendly and talkative, happy to have a customer after such a long period of nothing. He even offered to show Tiffany around when they got there but the young girl politely declined with slightly clenched teeth. She just wished the old man would concentrate on the winding road rather than making nice and talking to her. She couldn’t help but feel that very real fear of getting involved in another car accident again.

When they finally arrived, Tiffany was quick to jump out of the car, bowing low and respectably before paying the man and wandering off.

Before she left, the elderly man made her promise to come drop by his son’s hanok and stay the night if she so wished.

Tiffany smiled tightly, still feeling a little stressed from the car ride, but she accepted the man’s offer. It would be too late to take another cab ride to the train station. She had underestimated how long the trip would take, so it was nice to know she had some accommodation at the ready.

Leaving the old man waving behind her, Tiffany asked for a few directions and then began to hike up to the cliffs.

It was getting rather dark and the weather was not the best, but she had gathered enough resolve and rationale to do this today and she wasn’t sure it would still be the case if she waited. She knew it needed to be done, and it needed to be done today.

So Tiffany hiked even higher, her pace quickening with each hollow beat of her heart.

I need to do this.

I have to do this.

…

…

…

He would want you to do this.

Tiffany practically ran up the brambly trail, her sweat pouring off of her forehead and back in saline beads. And when she finally reached the edge, she stood right at the tip, toes hanging off the cliff face, her entire body teetering like a supple willow branch swaying in the wind.

‘You know one day, we’ll return to your homeland Steph. You and I, we’ll go there and explore the place where you came from. We’ll see the sights, walk the trails, jump off cliffs and do whatever the heck we want. We’ll live. You and I.’

Well Dom…I’ve seen the sights, I’ve walked the trails. And when I do this last thing, the cliff diving, then we’ll have done everything we meant to do. Then…I’ll be ready to let you go and say goodbye. Then I can try to live again.

Tiffany breathed in deep and inched just a little bit closer to the edge, feeling the wind behind her back, threatening to push her over.

She slowly removed her sweater and t-shirt so that she was now only in her bra and her jeans. Then, the jeans were gone too, leaving her in nothing but bra and , and the knife strapped to her chest.

Tiffany ran her fingers along the black smooth leather, scratching slightly with her fingernails. She drew the knife and it slid from its sheath like a well-oiled machine, ready to bring nothing but pain and suffering.

“Every single day Dom! Every! Single! Day!” Tiffany suddenly screamed out at the top of her lungs, her voice whisked away into the gales of the wind, carrying it swirling up into the heavens where she was sure he could hear her.

Tiffany drew in one breath and threw the knife down into the watery depths of the cliffs below. She watched in silence as the knife arced before turning its trajectory to follow the laws of gravity. It sliced through the frigid air like the razor-sharp weapon it was before plunging into the brackish waters much like how it had plunged into muscle and sinew.

Tiffany caught the slight shimmering sheen of steel underwater, the outlines of the knife wavering and already threatening to fade forever from her life.

She took one step back and then leapt off the face of the cliff, diving down in a graceful arc, her eyes focused only on the already fading gleam of steel.

The frigid waters enveloped her and she felt her breath leave her in a rush. It was so cold her entire body locked in on itself and refused to move. She could see the almost bone-white flash of steel once more before it was gone forever, and yet, she still hung on and tried to dive down deeper, even when there was no breath left in her lungs.

Her chest was screaming out but her need to hold on was stronger.

The water was closing in on her. Fast. Too fast.

And then she was suddenly aware of how tiny she felt amidst everything.

So tiny and insignificant.

A small fragile human body, tossed and buffeted by the huge waves of the mighty ocean.

But…tiny and insignificant in the eyes of the world did not mean tiny and insignificant to other tiny and insignificant people.

She still had other tiny insignificant things to do.

Tiffany fought and struggled to the surface, her legs finally regaining their strength to propel her towards the break in the water. And when she finally burst through, her first breath of air tasted like sweet persimmons, fresh, invigorating, and a sign of progression. From bitterness to sweetness.

She was not fully there, but she knew and had already started to let go of her past pains. She needed to learn to release her death-hold on her guilt and grief and taste the present sweetness in her life.

Tiffany swam back towards the shore, tired and shivering but somehow at peace. She raced back up the trail, already feeling the chill settle into her bones. She had