Chapter 5

Does she have to run to him and hold him? No, she's too selfish to do it. Pain is still there and still in her heart. Yoona just looked at his back slowly away from her sight. Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks and her hands clutching her dress over her chest. Why is this so painful? She shook her head when she remembered Soo Jin, she drew her breath very heavy.

"Jonghyun". The name came out with bitter in and she felt the tears pouring down her cheeks. "I must let you go". When his back was not seen by her eyes, she turned and walked toward her apartment with a vengeance. She pushed the elevator button and suddenly she saw an old lady standing next to her. She didn’t know her and just stood silently waiting for the elevator doors opened.

"He's your boyfriend?", She asked suddenly. "Are you broke up with him?"

Yoona glanced at her and didn’t answer the question. She hasn’t right answer to answer the question, even though she knew he wasn’t her boyfriend.

"I saw you so sad when he left you. I think he still loves you. His eyes couldn’t lie, how he looked at you. He really wanted to hug you." She smiled to Yoona. When the elevator doors opened they entered it. Yoona leaned back against the elevator wall.

"Take this tissue". The mother handed her a tissue.

Yoona took it and smiled a little, she should be able to hold back her tears so as not to wet her cheeks. She hugged herself, and felt her hands clutching her arms.

"You must really love him, don’t torture your feelings. That would be very painful," she said, she heard all the words very clearly. When the elevator doors opened Yoona out of the elevator and then she turned to the old lady.

"Kamsahamnida"

"Don’t be sad again and torture your heart ". She smiled and the doors closed. Yoona walked into her apartment and feels her footsteps very heavy. What should she do? When she entered the apartment she threw herself on the bed. She felt her chest is very tight and she was crying again. Her breathing was howling because it is very tight. 3 years she tried to forget him but she felt tonight very futile. She remembered every moments with him when they are still not aware of their feelings.

She took the bottle at her side and sat beside him. He breathed with relief. "Thanks for this drink," he said happily.

"Uhmm, your body full of sweat"

"I like basketball and you know it"

"Yeah I know it"

"You want to wait?"

"Yeap, I want to see the your game"

"Okay wait for me". He ruffled her hair and Yoona laughed and walked to the field again.

"Aigoo". She felt very happy when the palm of his hand touching her hair. Her body shook as she felt it and smiled to see it. She didn’t realize that a smile tugging at her lips with sweet.

Yoona woke up from her bed and walked to a table, she took the journal and open it. There is one photo that she didn’t burn when Soo Jin's death, when she gets angry and hates Jonghyun. The photo was still there, she also didn’t know why the only picture left in her journal. Jonghyun's face hasn’t changed, but now she doesn’t see his bright smile again. A bright smile had vanished from her face too. Why love is so painful? She just looked at that photo and closed her eyes when  that eyes wants closed. Pulling her breath and bit her lip.

~

He parked his car inside his apartment building and out of the car. He didn’t want to think about the bitterness that surrounding him. He kept stepping towards his apartment. When he arrived at the apartment, he saw Yonghwa standing not far from it.

"Lee Jonghyun," he called. He approached Jonghyun and stood in front of him. He put his hand into his pocket.

"Yonghwa"

"You came from Paris&don’t tell me?". Yonghwa grinned and patted his shoulder gently.

"I'm sorry"

"Why?"

"I just want to go home without anyone know if I’m in Seoul"

"Yoona?"

Jonghyun silent and opened the door of his apartment. "Come in"

Yonghwa followed Jonghyun from behind, as he entered his apartment he saw no change in it. Then he sat on the couch and his eyes caught the photo on the table from a distance. Yoona’s Photo. "He's still got it"

He brought Yonghwa beer and gave it to Yonghwa. "Sorry, I haven’t took myself to visit your house"

"It's okay"

"How with Seohyun and your child?"

"She 's alright and my daughter too"

"Your daughter is chooding like you huh?". Jonghyun laughed when told about it. Because he knew why Seohyun fell in love with him. He could always made her laugh with his chooding side. He still remembered the words from Seohyun to him when he asked why she loves Yonghwa.

"He makes me laugh and smile at the same time", she replied with a grin.

Jonghyun turned to see her and he smiled to hear the answer "you never tired of his chooding?", He asked.

"Oh never. It’s his excess. I really liked it, because his chooding makes me comfortable." Seohyun very confident when answering and it made him very envious.

"Same with me but yeah she's like her mother"

"Hahaha". He chuckled to hear his answer and begin to imagine how his daughter when they meet.

"Jonghyun, you meet Yoona?", He asked to open the conversation. He looked at Jonghyun. His head was bowed and then drank his drink.

"I've met her. She hasn’t changed. She's still same," he said. But Yonghwa caught his words very bitter and full of doubts.

"She was better than 3 years ago"

"I know but I still love her. I can’t forget or throw away all memories of her. I chose went to Paris because I don’t want to take a wrong decision in my life"

"She still loves you Jonghyun, but she chose to listen to her ego"

"I don’t know if there was a chance or not. She too hates me"

"I'm sure she'll give you a chance"

Jonghyun paused to think the sentences are pronounced by Yonghwa. He wanted to grab that opportunity. He didn’t want to lose Yoona for the second time.

~

Seohyun opened the door when heard the sound of bell ringing. She saw Yonghwa smile when looked at her. The clock showed at 12 am.

"Yonghwa ~ ah", she called him softly.

Yonghwa approached her and hugged her tightly. "I'm lucky to have you in my life"

"Hmmng?". Seohyun somewhat confused by the behavior of her husband who had just returned home. "What happened to my husband?"

Yonghwa off his arms and looked into her eyes. "I saw the sadness in the Jonghyun and Yoona's eyes. They love each other but there are wall that prevent them"

Seohyun pursed her lips and his cheek. "I really hope that wall disappeared from them"

"They would often meet in my office," said Yonghwa entered the living room and sat on the couch.

"Why?"

"I'm cooperating with the company in which Jonghyun work and I will need Yoona for this project"

Seohyun listened well, she sighed and leaned her back. "I hope there is a miracle, I'm tired of seeing they deceive themselves"

~

Yoonatrying to avoid Jonghyun. They attended a meeting at the Yonghwa’s company. After finish the meeting, Yoona left the room. She didn’t want to see his face and avoided her true feelings.

"Can I talk to you Yoona?"

Yoona stopped in her place, she turned to Jonghyun. Suddenly she felt very shaky when he called her name.

"Yoona-sshi". Yoona knew that voice and turned around, she saw Mr. Donghae stood nearby her.

"Yes, Mr.Donghae?". Yoona looked at him and her hand holding files.

"I don’t have a friend for lunch. What if we have lunch? ". Donghae saw her fell silent when he said that. Jonghyun still behind Yoona. He's still waiting.

"Sorry, my friend waiting for me", replied Yoona. She didn’t know why she can say about it. She will provide an opportunity for Jonghyun to speak.

"Ohh, okay maybe next time," said Donghae smiled slightly and leaned to Yoona.

"Yes, Mr. Donghae "

Donghae left Yoona who still stood near the meeting room. "okay Yoona. I’ll not bother you anymore ". Jonghyun moved from where he stood and walked past Yoona.

"You said you would talk to me. I give you the opportunity to speak". He stopped and turned around facing her.

"Okay, I just want to say it briefly. Give me a chance Yoona. I know I'm crazy to say this. But I still want to try it"

Yoona looked at him and holding the files tightly. "A chance?"

"Yes Yoona. A chance "

~

Yoonajust stared at the food in front of her. Her mind was still fixed on Jonghyun. She remembered every words are still clearly ringing in her ears. She just said "sorry" and immediately left him.

"Oh god why did I feel like this again?". Yoona was silent and her heart ached. Tears streamed down her cheeks without realizing it. "Jonghyun"

Jonghyun saw her from afar. He didn’t return to his office and saw the sadness in her eyes. He didn’t want to hurt her, but why should love that he had hurt her. He didn’t know how many times Yoona cry for him. He didn’t want to see her cry, he just wanted to see her smile.

One woman loves you.
That woman loves you wholeheartedly.
She follows you around like a shadow everyday,
That woman is laughing and crying.

Just How..How much more do I have to gaze at you alone.
This love that came like the wind, This love like a beggar.
If I continue this way, will you love me?
Just come a little nearer..a little more..
If I take one step closer to you, then you take two steps back.
I who love you am next to you now.
That woman is crying.

That woman now is very careful
Therefore, to learning a method of smile
Even can not talk with best friend … too much
So the woman’s heart is always crying

(Baek Ji Young-That Woman OST Secret Garden)

~

That night Jonghyun called Jessica to accompany him to drink. "She didn’t answer it". Jonghyun stared at the glass he was holding. "I’m fool asked her to give me a chance"

Jessica saw him and took the glass in his hand. "Drinking alcohol will solve your problem?". She sighed softly and kept the glass from Jonghyun. "She loves you  Jonghyun. But she's still not out from her guilt. If I'm in her position, I'll probably hate you too. Do something to prove it"

"I've done Jessica. I've done it ". He shouted near Jessica’s ears. "What should I do Jessica. Why does she hate me?"

Jessica stood up and walked away from Jonghyun. But her hand achieved by Jonghyun, "you'll leave me?"

"I have to go Jonghyun. I'm sure you can find what you should do ". Jessica released her hand slowly and smiled a little. Jonghyun could only stare at her back that is moving away from his view.

~

Yoona bit her lip and sat on the couch, holding her drink. She couldn’t say anything when Jonghyun asked for an opportunity from her. Soo Jin is still looming on her memory. She felt very guilty because she heard from her mother that before Soo Jin died Jonghyun met her. She wanted to be angry and told him what he had done was the stupidest thing in his life. If he didn’t do that Soo Jin might still be alive, but whether she will be strong to sees Jonghyun standing at Soo Jin side?

A bell interrupted her reverie and she walked toward the door. She saw him standing in front of her, she wanted to close the door but suddenly her hand stuck to not close it. "Why are you here?"

He restrained his body by placing his right hand on the wall and tried to answer the question through his eyes. "I'm willing to do anything until you'll forgive me. You know I'm so miserable, I was tormented Yoona. I love you but I can’t have you. I must love other woman who I didn’t love. Then when I took a decision everyone are blaming me. Am I not allowed to choose what is best for me?"

Her eyes were watery as she heard his words and then he stepped one step closer to Yoona but suddenly he fell in the Yoona’s arms. The smell of alcohol ambushed her nose and she was forced to put his hand on her shoulders and helped him walk toward the couch. She dropped him on the couch and his eyes were closed. Yoona sat beside him and stared at him. She raised her hand slowly approached his cheek and began to touch him. But she pulled her hand back and stood up, suddenly he stucked her hand.

"Tell the truth to me Yoona. I just want to love you. Only that Yoona". His sincere eyes looked into her eyes and slowly those eyes closed. Yoona could feel the tears roll down her cheek.

"I also want to love you Jonghyun," she said quietly and bowed her face, staring at his face once more before she stood to leave.

"Jonghyun, I want to love you but I don’t know why my heart haven’t allowed myself to accept your love. What should I do Jonghyun? Honestly I still feel guilty because Soo Jin has died and I still always blame you, hate you. I don’t want to do it but I can’t lie to myself if part of me still hasn’t forgiven you"

Yoona silent in her room. She didn’t throw him to get out from her apartment and let him fell asleep on her couch.

~

Sunlight entered through a crack in the window and made Jonghyun opened his eyes slowly. His head was dizzy and slowly lifted himself. He circulated his views and felt alienated by what he saw. He paused for a moment and stood up. His eyes caught a photo that is not far from his sight. Jonghyun approached that photo and held it. He saw the smile on her face had disappeared for him, he longed for that smile. Feelings flare up and closed his eyes for a moment.

"You awake?". That sound made Jonghyun turned slowly.

"Yoona"

"Why you should come here? You better be home soon," Yoona said coldly without stared directly at him. "This is the second time you come to my apartment in a drunken state"

"I'll go." Jonghyun walked past Yoona without looking at her and he stopped at the door. "I'm sorry Yoona, I'll fix it all though I can’t return Soo Jin into the world again"

Yoona looked his back again out of the front door of her apartment and she sat on her couch with a limp. Her heart is very sad, she wanted to scream and asked God to finished all quickly without being hurt. But she really wanted to forget Jonghyun?

Jonghyun leaned against the door of the Yoona’s apartment, he hasn’t gone away and wanted to be there for a moment. When he saw her, he wanted to hold her tightly and said that he loved her very much. The words were always uttered in front of her but Yoona didn’t seem to hear that and passed from him. He couldn’t erase any memories of her.

We used to love during the many days we were together
We used to hurt together- making each other's pain our own
Where are you? Can't you hear my voice?
My pained heart is looking for you
Is calling out to you- crazily
 

My heart, my tears, my memories of you
Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest
Though I cry and I cry, the memories won't erase
And again today, I drench my empty heart
We used to like each other- you laughed at my smile
We used to cry together- you were pained by my tears
Where are you? Can't you see my tired body?
My pained heart is looking for you
Is calling ou to you -- crazily

Please come back to me- I call out your name every night
And in my exhausted waiting, I wander around and look for you
My love, my tears, our memories
Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest
Though I cry and I cry, the memories won't erase
And again today, I drench my empty heart

 (Super Junior-Memories)