The next few days passed like a blur. Unlike last time, this time my heart is empty. I didn’t know how to feel. The shock came too suddenly, a little too soon, and a little too hard. Sometimes I feel like escaping the life I’ve always knew. In the end, everything is nothing but a lie. To look at one person and see someone else makes me scared and confused. I wanted to call my mother. To ask her why she handed me over to Uncle Chen. Why didn’t she raise me by her side just like she raised Ah si. Why did she abandon Star and I? Why did we have to grow through everyday playing cat and mouse everyday with each other? I want a warm shoulder to lean on too. I wanted to play soccer with dad, bake with mom, and play dress up with my sister. Yet, I grew up learning how to defend myself from kidnappers, to put a pistol together from scrap, and how to detonate a bomb. All the skills that is necessary for me to survive. But I’m tired. I don’t want to always keep a look out everywhere I go because someone is out to kill me. I don’t want to always think that everyone is after something and filled with bad intentions. I want to trust. To fully believe and feel secure. Growing up, I never wanted to be like mom. She led a life I found unimaginable because I simply couldn’t understand her. She can seek happiness in goals and objects that I myself find meaningless and invaluable. To her love did not exist. A fairytale emotion created by weakness and incompetence. Only people that lacked capability were coward enough to seek love for shelter. She told Ah si and I loud and clear that she married dad for the fame and fortune, there was no shame. Money and status are the only ways to redeem yourself. Honor came hand in hand with power and power is captured by ambition and selfishness. A motivation driven solely based on self-interest. Mom always had something in mind that she needed to possess and own including Ah Si and I. In a way I am jealous of her inner drive because I have never wanted something so much in my life before…except a healthy family that is. I wanted to have a family dinner without flipping tables and smashing glass cups. Now it seems like I can’t even hold a 5-minute phone conversation with my mom without an awkward pause. All I can hear is silence on the other end and she has no idea how much I want to close that gap between us. I want to put together all the pieces and figure out how to love.

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I paused in front of the car garage. Am I really ready to do this? It’s time though, I knew that for sure. It’s been too long.

“ Hey, are you busy?” I stuttered.

He looked up from under the car, “ Yea kinda, what brings you here?”

I didn’t know what to say. I just looked at him and squeezed out an excuse “ well I was passing by so I wanted to see what was going on in the garage.” That was such a stupid reason. I tried to force on a smile to decrease the amount of tension.

He gave me a weird look “oh, the usual stuff. I’m just fixing up my mustang cuz it got a little noisy the last time I drove it.”

“I’m sorry.” At that point we both looked at each other. Waiting for him to break the silence, I looked away. Guilt was eating at me and I didn’t know what to do. This was a bad idea  Xinxin. Why are you so stupid???

“ There’s nothing for you to be sorry about” and he slid back under the car.

I can’t believe that’s all he had to say. Wow I feel stupid. Did it mean nothing to him that I came all the way up here to apologize?

“I came all the way up here and all you had to say was there’s no need to be sorry? I admit I crossed the line but I was young. I didn’t know any better. I fell in love and I couldn’t help but make dumb mistakes.” I yelled.

He rolled back out and looked at me straight in the eye and with a stern voice he said “ you always had an excuse Xin, always a reason to make yourself sound innocent and always making me the bad guy. So what if you fell in love? So what if you can’t help but forget me completely and just run off with some guy you’ve only met for 3 weeks? Did you ever think about how I felt about that? Have I even crossed your mind once when you decided to just leave?”

Say something Xinxin, did the cat catch your tongue? Why are you so quiet for? Is he right?

“ Yea, I didn’t think so either. There’s nothing left to say between us anymore.” He muttered.

“That’s not true Adam, my feelings were real. You, you were perfect. Tall, handsome, smart, funny, a guy all girls wished to have and you were mine. I was selfish to keep holding onto you even though those initial feelings of lust were no longer there. I wanted to keep you by my side because with you I felt safe and secure. There has not been one day that I have not thought about what had happened between us.”

“Us, you throw that word around like it’s nothing. There was never us, there was you and then there was me. We were never really together.” He gave a sad look.

“I’m sorry, if I can take everything back I would.” I felt the tears streaming down my face.

“I’m sure you would. But the damage has been done. There’s nothing you can do now. So just let it be. Let time heal everything. I’m gonna finish up and then report to uncle Chen. You should head back too, it’s getting dark. You know you never liked the darkness.” He said everything expressionless making me feel even worse inside.

I wiped my tears and nodded “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yea see you around.” He whispered.