I stared at the huge white mansion in front of me with the beautiful waterworks in the center of the circular driveway. I felt a tear forming at the side of my eye. It’s been so long since I’ve been here. I remember the day I had to say farewell to my home and go live with my uncle Chen in Shanghai. How I’ve missed this place and the people that lived in it.

All of a sudden I felt this sudden sadness invading my heart. It’s weird how I have a family yet I can’t be anywhere near them. I’d parked my car behind one of the bushes in case if one of the male servants saw me. I wanted to turn back and drive away, but I couldn’t. My eyes were glued on the house and its surroundings.

“One day, I would like to come back here with a family of my own.” I whispered to myself.

Then I slowly backed out of the property and went to my brother’s flat in Taipei.

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“Xinxin, what are you doing here? Did you miss me?” My brother always had so much energy.

I laughed and replied “of course, how can I bear to not see you for a whole week? That’s 7 days!” He smiled in return and came towards me to give me a hug.

Seeing him made me feel good. I soaked myself into his hug so I can absorb all his innocence and purity. I think back to when I was little and how I had loved Jerry’s companionship. My brother who knows nothing about my life seems to be able to give me the biggest comfort in the world.  Sometimes I get really jealous of him. He had one thing that I can never have and that was a life of his own; the privilege of pursuing his very own happiness. To see him live his life however he wanted makes me want to runaway from the Tri-Lotus clan and everything that defines who I am. But then again, who am I? I really don’t know. I only know that…..I had forgotten how to live.

Then all of a sudden, I couldn’t look at my brother straight in the eye. I was afraid that he’d see through all my lies. He’s my only true family that I have left. I don’t even know if I shall acknowledge Star as my sister anymore. It seems like it’s been awhile since I looked her in the eye and believed every word she said to me.

“Family” a word that sounds so foreign to me. Ah Si is all I have left. He is the only thing I can truly call mine. Someone that belongs to me; a person that cannot be taken away and in my heart I knew I just had to protect him with my life. Because if  he left me too, I will have nothing left. He is my life, my reason, my logic, and my air. Without him, I won’t be able to stand here and do what I do.

“Ge, please don’t leave me.”

“You silly girl, why would I leave you?”

“I don’t know, I just know that without you, I won’t be able to go on.”

“Don’t say those things, I will always be here for you.”

And with that, a teardrop fell from my eye. It tasted salty yet sweet at the same time.

I whispered to myself “ I will never let you go, I love you so much.”

“It’s just that I feel so lonely right now; I can’t remember the good times that we had. I can only see the pain I face everyday. Why can’t this all just be a dream? I’m sorry I have to bring these unhappy things into your life, I love you so much. Even though I’m so lonely, I don’t want you to feel the same. I’m going to say goodbye now. I don’t know when I can see you again and I’m sorry I have to leave. But I can’t let anyone hurt you. You’re all I have now. I may be just another girl, but I can’t let things go anymore. I will end everything once and for all. So until we meet again, please be happy and smile for me everyday.”

I wish I could say those words out loud……

“Is it just me? or have you become really beautiful? I never noticed how bright your smile was and how shining your eyes were. Now that I have to say goodbye, I just want you to know that I’m really lonely.”

“Xinxin, it’s getting cold these days so don’t stay out for too long. Make sure you close all your windows at night and put that extra blanket on top. If you ever need anything, just give me a call. I want you to know that I’m always here for you when you have a problem.”

He smiled and waved at me as I got into my car.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry oppa.”

And without knowing where I was driving, I started to cry. I pulled to the side and turned off the car lights. How can such simple words touch me so gently on my heart? I don’t know, I just wanted everything to end already.