Five

five

[ Taemin ]

“He talked to me today,” Taemin tells Jinki during gym, while they’re changing.

“People tend to do that,” Jinki points out, laughing.

Taemin sighs to himself and pulls a sweatshirt over his shoulders. He knows his voice is quivery and high but he can’t be bothered to fix it right now. “It was different, though. It was like he’s a really person. Like he’s not all about--”

“--unicorns and butterflies?” Jinki offers.

Taemin scowls. “I mean, he’s not just some superficial rich kid with no problems.”

“Whatever you say,” Jinki shrugs. “You’re the expert here.”

He finishes tying his sneakers and heads outside. Taemin is left inside the locker room, his heart threatening to break free from his chest, because it hasn’t stopped pounding since Jonghyun’s smile.

But Jinki’s words slowed down its headlong gallop somewhat. He was probably right. Taemin is probably blowing things out of proportion again, making believe that Jonghyun feels something that he really doesn’t. It wouldn’t be the first time that Taemin’s misinterpreted someone’s politeness. Jinki’s just one of those traditionally raised kids, always holding the door and smiling in all the right places even if he hates the person he’s doing it for. He’d be nice to the murderer of his wife and unborn child, because he doesn’t just know how to work any other way.

But in freshman year, when Taemin met Jinki for the first time, he was just so excited that someone didn’t outright reject him, that he thought he had made a friend. He spent hours agonizing over word choice, clothing choice, backpack choice, because he felt like he had to please the person he thought was his friend. He even made the mistake of inviting Jinki over for his birthday party, but even after his mother told him no one was coming, Taemin didn’t believe it. He really thought that someone liked him.

Even now, Jinki makes friendly conversation in between classes, but ditches Taemin as soon as his friends approach. He’s unreliable as far as friends go, but Taemin entrusts him with the knowledge of his uality for two reasons. First, Jinki runs in completely different circles from him (because Jinki still doesn’t know who Jonghyun is). Even if he weren’t good at keeping a secret, he would never get a chance to tell Jonghyun how much Taemin talks about him. Though Jinki is miles higher than Taemin on the social hierarchy, he is miles lower than Jonghyun, and Jinki isn’t exactly known for his big mouth.

Second, though, which is probably the bigger reason, Taemin just needs to tell someone. His parents would kill him if they found out, and carving it into desktops when no one’s looking doesn’t exactly bring him any satisfaction. At least with Jinki, he can release some of the pressure of pretending to be something he’s not. Even just a little helps, like lifting a heavy load off your back just for a second makes you believe it’s not so heavy after all.

In a way, telling Jinki is like a cry for help as well. Somewhere deep inside, Taemin hopes that he can find a place with the school’s gay crowd, or accepting crowd, or hippie crowd. He wants someone to notice him, to tell him what to do. He’s just too afraid to try, because he trusted Jinki once, and he was wrong.

People reject those that aren’t like them, and Jinki was no different. Why should Jonghyun be? Sighing, Taemin crosses his arms over his skinny chest and heads outside into the biting cold. They’re running laps today.