Twelve

twelve

[ Jonghyun ]

Jonghyun’s heart stops and even though he’s heard it twice he still can’t believe it. He doesn’t know what to say so he keeps his mouth shut, looking away from Taemin’s eyes.

Now he knows the secret that lies behind them. Taemin’s loved him from the start, he realizes, but he’s just never seen it. Jonghyun can practically feel the pain of holding it all in, Taemin locking away his true self in what others tell him to be. It must have been so hard, spending all that time together and not being able to say anything, going through everything alone, with that secret weighing on his chest.

Jonghyun knows what it must have felt like, being crushed by expectations for something Taemin neither was nor wanted to be. Jonghyun has his own set of expectations, set out for him with no choice but to be followed. It’s stifling, because it means he has to stop being Jonghyun and start being what others think Jonghyun is. And that’s why he can’t stand his friends anymore, can’t stand the way he expect him to do this or that when in reality he wants to do neither. He’s sick of people trying to dictate his life, telling him that he must be gay, or he can’t pursue a singing career because he’s too smart for that, or he can’t see this or that person because it doesn’t look right.

So of course it was a relief when he found Taemin. It was more than the way their lives meshed together so easily, their footsteps fell so easily next to each other. It was knowing that he wasn’t alone, and even if his problems didn’t go away, at least he had someone there to take them on with him. At least he had someone just as crushed under the weight of others.

Jonghyun’s not losing that someone, just because a few people tell him it’s not okay. He’s never followed the rules, and he’s not going to start now. Just the thought of the contempt in Key’s voice as he told Jonghyun about Taemin, makes Jonghyun so angry. Key doesn’t have any right to judge him--how should he know what Jonghyun and Taemin have?

Jonghyun realizes now just how much Taemin means to him, that he’s willing to risk the rejection of all of his other friends. But before he can say this Taemin closes up, his eyes becoming distant as he stands up and pulls his hood further down over his face. Taemin’s been hurt too much to let himself be tricked so easily again, because that’s all he thinks Jonghyun is--a cruel ploy of fate designed to bring up his hopes and dash them into pieces again.

“I’ll see you around,” Taemin mutters as he leaves. His voice is strangely thick.

Jonghyun knows that he was too late. He just wants the ground to swallow him up and let him die a slow death from its stomach acid. Yeah, that about sums it up.