❉Evilmagnae || Remember Me Dara
┇❉Pandamonium Reviews❉ ┇UnderConstruction┇
Remember Me Dara by: Evilmagnae
Reviewer: Krissy_
Title [3/5]
I'll be stricter with the title because it's really important in a story. Even if we have a perfect storyline, The title, and description are what that attracts the reader. Regarding your title, I've no objection since it's your story, but I felt that it revealed what the storyline is about since it wrote 'Remember Me'. Perhaps you could change it to 'The Lost Bride', 'Twinkling Beginning', 'The Hidden Love'. If you want the meaning to the above mention titles, feel free to ask.
Designs [6/10]
You do not have a background for your story, so I can't say much about this. But, you do have a poster, in my opinion, I'm sorry but I'm not trying to be nasty or attack you, the poster really does not suit the whole story. You could try a darker background and maybe put the both of them closer and add a little fading effect. Again, it's really my opinion, at the end of the day, it's your story. Plus, I really do have to reward you for not adding any colors to their conversation. It's crystal clear.
Forewords/Descriptions [7/10]
For the foreword, it seems interesting to me. Short and sweet, but you could add in some more scenes to spice it up. That does not mean to put a whole scene in it, but extract one small part and add in more description. So that, you'll leave your reader in a suspense and cliff-hanger feeling. Moving on to the description, that's when mistakes come in. For the first few sentences, example, "Have you ever... Forget someone you love so much? Forget all the things you've done with that person?" and so on are still pretty much acceptable. But, from "All the memories are gone. Vanished", you're slowly starting to reveal most of the plot. Of course, you'll still attract readers, but most of them probably know the twist in the story. Try to cut it down and edit it to an enigmatic one.
Characters and Plot: [16/20]
About the characters, yes, at least you're one of the writers that describe each of them like what they really are in reality. I could feel them, and imagine their actions. Which is good, a point to praise for. Next, about the plot, you made me emotional when Jiyong held Dara's wet body and kept whispering into her ear. In conclusion, I really love how you describe this story.
Originality: [3/5]
Erm, sadly, there are lots of websites and stories with a similar story plot.
Flow: [17/20]
Everything's going perfectly well. No worries.
Grammar/Spelling: [18/25]
Yes, I've spotted grammatical and spelling mistakes. In the first chapter, you wrote, "But Dara has known about the job of Jiyong, she has experienced numerous unexpected dangerous events with Jiyong, yet she still choose to be with him." Here's my correction,
"But Dara has known about the job of Jiyong, she has experienced numerous unexpected dangerous events with Jiyong, yet she still chose to be with him." I really wish I could state it all out here, so it'll be easier for you to edit but the majorityof all your mistakes are simple errors. At a moment, it's present tense, the next moment, it's back to past tense. Of course, I do know the rule to past or present tense, but some of them you're writing as 'flashbacks', something that happened once. It'll be better to write it in past tense. Since I can't state it all out here, I thought I could help you with this last one. In one of your chapters, there's a spelling mistake, you wrote it as 'Dara's present', I believe that you're intending to write it as 'Dara's presence'. Am I right?
Overall Enjoyment: [4/5]
Though I did say that this story is common, but I enjoyed reading it. It's a good try, keep up the good work! I'll be here to support.
Bonus points: [3/5]
I like the way you describe the scene, it does not sound really deep neither does it sound like a child's essay, it's perfect. Try and elaborate more, and I believe you'll shine. Especially the way you describe Jiyong as a tough man, but for Dara, anything is possible, it just melts my heart, you made me crave for this impossible reality relationship.
And, I really hope I did not sound too harsh or rude, I've no intention of attacking anyone. My job here is to give feedback and help every writer. I hope that the next time I see you, you'll come out with a better storyline with my feedback, I believe you can do it. Fighting!
Overall grade: 77 out 100 ; 77% Or C+
author's note
» I'm sorry for the long wait for this request. I was quite busy with homework, and essays that were piling up. Please request again!~ Don't forget to credit!
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