A/N: alright so this is gonna be like the back-story for jinki.. 

WARNING: suicidal themes, dark themes

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Looking back at it, it was truly a dark time in Jinki's life...

It was right after the accident when he started to over-eat...and cut. His mother was in ruins and he was mere 15 years old, three years younger than he is currently.

The car accident left them all traumatized, probably Jinki the most, his mother was able to recover-at least mostly- after a few months.She was able to freely smile at family gatherings and birthday parties for her friends' children.

-2 years ago-

"Hey Jinki! Wanna play Super Mario Kart?" Jonghyun clapped a hand over Jinki's shoulder.

Jinki offered a weak smile and a slow shake of his head.

"No thanks, I'm not in the mood." Jinki sat down in the recliner across from Jonghyun's television, where the game's start menu blinked.

Jonghyun huffed and sat on the floor by Jinki's feet.

"You never want to play video games with me... Ill just ask my boyfriend to play video games with me then." Jonghyun said this to Jinki with a huff before turning his head towards the bathroom.

Jonghyun in a breath before hollering, "Kibuuuum, hurry so we can play Super Mario Kart!!!"

Jinki heard a shuffle of feet in the bathroom before the blonde emerged while scratching his scalp.

"All right all right... hey Jinki hyung." Kibum grumbled towards his boyfriend before greeting Jinki.

Jinki raised a hand in response before Kibum sat next to Jonghyun on the floor.

"I'm totally going to beat you." The blonde bluntly stated before grabbing a random game controller.

"Are not!" Jonghyun's mouth gaped and he grabbed the other controller.

Jinki merely watched them with a smile.

'They're cute together.' The oldest thought idely as Kibun shoved Jonghyun on his shoulder to try to get him to fall off Rainbow Road.

Jinki spent some of his time watching the pair play Mario Kart and he would 'look away' when the pair would steal kisses from each other.

Jinki allowed his mind to wander and he somehow stumbled upon the subject of the crash, which surprised him- to say the least- since the crash was almost a year ago.

'Why did he have to die? When you only escaped with a few scratches.. Dad was a loving and hard-working person. I haven't accomplished anything. It's your fault. The crash is all your fault.'

Jinki didn't realize that he was crying until he felt Jonghyun and Kibum shaking his shoulders.

"Hyung are you okay?! Oh my gosh, what happened?!" Kibum held onto the oldests' shoulder as his eyes searched Jinki's. 

Jonghyun was right next to the blonde, his had rubbing circles into Jinki's lower backs.

"It's okay hyung, it's okay." Jonghyun murmured from the side.

Jinki stayed silent as the tears continued to flow freely from his eyes. Jinki went home from the get-together at Jonghyun's house, he was bid farewell with kisses to his forehead and tight hugs.

His mother stayed silent during the car ride home, afraid that anything she said would make Jinki cry again.

They made it home and Jinkis mom sent him to bed with a tight hug and a kiss to his cheek along with murmurs of "It's okay" and "I love you".

Jinki went upstairs mindlessly before shutting himself in the bathroom that connected to his bedroom. He simply sat on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hands as tears began to fall again.

That was the first time Jinki cut. He felt it was necessary. To suffer but not die. The pain grounded him and reminded him that he was there and his dad wasn't. That he deserved this.

He deserved this.

He deserved this.

He deserved this.

The reminder echoed through his head and he fought to push it back.

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Jinki moved to put his dishes in the sink as brushed strayed tears off of his puffy cheeks.

'No point in crying. You need to get ready for school.'

Jinki walked up his staircase, his lead-heavy feet dragging out his every movement.

He made a left at the top of the staircase and continued down the hall before getting to his room, and eventually his bathroom. He hastily brushed his teeth and put his octagonal glasses on the bridge of his nose, not bothering to fix his straight dark brown hair.

He couldn't help but look at his reflection longer than necessary in the bathroom mirror before he went to his closet- which connected to his bathroom.

Ugly.

Fat.

Worthless.

Waste of space.

Geek.

Stupid.

Jinki sighed and went to his closet before changing into his uniform, the once-loose fabric now taut against his skin.

"ing summer uniforms." Jinki swore under his breath, the short sleeves making him uncomfortable.

Jinki settle by putting on a light cardigan, one that was sill considered in the dress guidelines, and had long sleeves. 

Jinki fixed his pants and his shirt one more time before tugging on the edge of the cardigan's sleeves (to cover his wrists) with his fingers and walking through his bathroom again.

The eighteen-year-old made his way down the stairs and he glanced at the shoes by the front door, and noticed that his mother's work shoes were gone.

'Probably went to work already.' He thought absent-mindedy before stepping out and locking the door behind him.

Jinki looked towards the direction of the public bus station that he used everyday before sighing.

"Time for another day of hell."

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A/N: Sorry for any grammar errors! This was typed from my iPod haha, comments are loved and appreciated!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter (even though it made me sad just writing it :< )