I Won't Let You Go




I felt his hands steadying me as I fought to regain consciousness.


“Dara, let’s go…” I heard him saying.


“I, I…” I tried to speak to him but my words just wouldn’t come out.


That again, that feeling of dizziness.


I looked at him and saw concern and pity on his eyes.


Have I become so pitiful to garner those eyes?


“Let’s go.” He started guiding me out of the club but I stopped him.


“No, Khun Khun.” I told him as I pulled away from his grasp. “I have to know why. I have to know why he did tho-----“

I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to say as I felt two strong hands snatching me and pulling me towards the exit.


“Jiyongie!” Was all I could exclaim when I have fully recovered from the scene earlier. Jiyong and I were already standing in a dark alley outside the club.


I looked into his eyes. It was the first time I have seen his eyes up close after three days. I was surprised to have found them red, puffy and dazed.


Has he been crying?


“Have you been crying?” I managed to ask him. I wanted so much to hold his face and erased the loneliness reflecting from his eyes. I wanted to so much to hold him tight and erase all the stress that was visible in that handsome face of his that I have always loved. 


I wanted so much to kiss his lips even though those very lips have betrayed me earlier, kissing another woman.


I wanted to kiss him so badly even if my heart was breaking earlier, seeing him with another woman.


Yes, I must be crazy. I am crazy to fall in love with him again.


“Ani. I’m just too drunk.” Was all he answered.


He looked at me intently and I felt myself in chills from his cold stare.


“Jiyong…” I struggled to speak as I felt my fragile heart having a difficult time conveying what I wanted to say.


“What are you doing here?” He asked me, his voice not betraying any emotion of his.


A million questions flooded my mind, all wanting to escape and be thrown at him.


Why did you write that song?


Why did you sing that song when I thought you would fight for me?


Why did you give up?


Why didn’t you come when I told you I would tell you something important? 


Didn’t you know I was about to confess to you?!


Why did you leave without having the decency to say goodbye to me?


Am I that worthless to you?


Why did you kiss her in front of me, knowing full well it would hurt me?


Am I just a toy to you that you can just play with anytime you would want to?


I wanted to ask all those things but as if conspiring against me, the words just wouldn’t come out.


I just remained rooted to where I was standing, oblivious to the loud noises outside the alley.


All I could hear were the million questions running in my find, struggling to find escape.


“You shouldn’t have come here.” He said. His voice was cold and uncaring.


“Wh-why did you kiss her?” I suddenly found my voice and it was the first thing that I managed to ask.


“Same reason you kissed him.” He gave me a challenging look. I frowned in confusion.


“Wha-what do you mean…” 


“Aww, come on now, Sandara. I saw you. I saw the two of you kissing in the balcony. “ He glared at me.


“You and Nichkhun.” He looked at me intently. The eyes that once made my heart melt with mere glances were now giving me reasons to be afraid.


“But Nichkhun and I… we’re not—“ 


I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to say as I felt his lips crashing into me. 


I knew I should have felt heaven because of what he did but instead, all I felt was fear. He was pressing his lips into mine with so much force, so much pressure that I felt he wanted to bruise me instead of making me feel his love.


He continued kissing me aggressively and pulled away when both of us needed air already.


“Was he better than me? Was his kiss better than that?!” He was starting to sound like a madman that I started to cower in fear.


What had happened to him? Who is this person? Where is the Kwon Jiyong I know?


I just looked at him, dumbfounded and unaware of how to answer the stranger that was in front of me.


He groaned in frustration when I did not answer him.


“You’re still confused, huh? Always the fickle-minded.” He grunted with irritation.


“How about this then?” He grabbed my waist and claimed my lips once again, this time with much more force and aggressiveness that I thought my lips would spill blood from the sudden attack. I gasped as I felt his hand caressed my back viciously instead of giving gentle caresses. My sudden gasping gave him access to explore my mouth even more, inserting his tongue which was now traveling and exploring that part of my anatomy as if telling me that it was still his.


This time, it was I who pulled away from the kiss as I couldn’t stand the pain it was giving me physically and emotionally.


I slapped him hard after I recovered from the daze his kiss gave me.


“Why are you like this, Jiyong? Why are you treating me like this?” I bit my bottom lip so hard that I tasted blood to fight the urge to cry in front of him. Somehow, I didn’t want him to see me hurt so much.


“You want to know why, Dara?” He asked me, his eyes bewildered. I tried my best to level his gaze


“You know how much it hurt me to see you kissing Nichkhun? Do you know how my heart was breaking when I saw you responding to his kiss, knowing that you finally found the person that can replace me in your heart?” His eyes which were full of coldness and anger were suddenly replaced with hurt and agony.


“Do you know how much I struggled to act as if it didn't hurt seeing the woman I love giving her heart to someone else?” I could see tears forming in his eyes.


“Do you know how much I hated myself for not extending more effort in making you love me again? That no matter how I show you how great my love for you is, one thing remains. I have hurt you so much for you to see that I still sincerely love you…”


He now allowed his tears to fall, not minding if I saw his vulnerability.


The man in front of me was no longer G-Dragon, the artist who was brash and uncaring.


He is Kwon Jiyong, the man I love and will continue loving.


“Jiyong…” I reached out my hand to his face but he turned his face away, not letting me.


“I don’t want your pity, Dara.” His eyes turned cold again. 


“Please let me leave with whatever’s left of my pride.”


He said as he brushed past me and walked away, leaving me trembling and cold in the dark alley, unable to contain the tears that now spilled from my eyes.


















“Dara!” I was running the streets of Seoul looking for her. 


I turned left and saw her standing by a closed boutique and heaved a sigh of relief.


“Dara!” I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me but stopped as the girl turned to look at me.


“Omo! Nichkhun!” The surprised girl who I thought was Dara started jumping up and down.


I grunted “sorry” and ran as fast as I could.


“Damn it! Where are you, Dara?” I was starting to lose hope when I saw a familiar figure walking aimlessly, looking as drunk as hell.


“Jiyong!” I pulled him to the side and looked at his dazed eyes that were puffy and red.


“Where is Dara?” I asked him, still agitated by what I witnessed earlier.


“Ooh, loverboy. Missed your girlfriend already?” He asked mocking me, his eyes full of hatred and disgust.


I remembered what Woo told me while I was still in Tokyo.


"He saw you kissing her."


"Who saw me kissing her?" 


"Jiyong. He saw you kissing Dara-noona." 


I nodded my head as if understanding for the first time why Jiyong was acting that way.


I tapped his shoulder. He glared at me as he slapped my hand away.


“You know the reason Dara is here now?” I asked him though I know that he has no idea why.


“Are you playing with me? I can’t read minds.” He answered, irritated. I smirked at his cockiness.


“She went here to ask you why you left her. She came here to ask you why you didn’t meet her in Shiba Park the night she texted you that she had something important to tell you.”


Jiyong just gave me a bitter laugh. “What’s the use of meeting her there? So she could tell me how happy she is to be with you? So she could tell me that he chose you and apologize for not choosing me? So she could look at me with so much pity in her eyes?” He glared at me once again and I found something in his eyes that I saw for the first time. 


Agony.


I shook my head. As much as I did not want to pity him, I couldn’t help myself. He was clueless and somehow, I blamed myself for that. The kiss I gave Dara made him like this.


“Do you want to know what she wanted to tell you?” He was about to respond but I didn’t let him.


“She wanted to tell you that she decided to give the two of you a chance again. She wanted to tell you that she has fallen in love with you all over again.” I gathered up all my strength to say those painful words.


Even if it crushed my heart to say those words, I knew I owe it to Dara. She is hurting partly because of what I did.


Neh. I will be strong for her.


Endure it, Nichkhun.


Endure your hurt a little more for her.

















I felt my world stop as he told me those words.


“She wanted to tell you that she decided to give the two of you a chance again. She wanted to tell you that she has fallen in love with you all over again.”


I stared at him as if it was the first that I noticed he was there all along. I started to speak but my tongue was tied.


“But the two of you kiss…” Was all I could say. I was still confused with the sudden revelation of Nichkhun.


“I kissed her. That’s true. But it was one-sided.” He answered, sadly, remembering that bittersweet encounter he had with Dara. “She pulled away and cried. She told me that she loves you and wanted to get back to you. She was looking for me because she wanted to tell me that she realized that she wanted to give the two of you another chance.”


I was stunned. I knew that my heart should be jumping from joy at what I was hearing but I was too stunned to have found about these things.


I was too stunned to have found out only now after I have hurt Dara once again.


“She kept on saying sorry to me. Sorry for not being able to reciprocate the feelings I have for her. Sorry for not being able to love as much as she loves you.”


I could see him struggling to fight the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. 


For the first time, I was looking at Nichkhun with so much respect for his courage to tell me these things when he could have easily hid it from me and pursued Dara instead.


“Mianhe.” I heard him say. He was avoiding my gaze.


“Because of what I did, Dara is hurting again. Mianhe.” His tears were now falling. 


I felt his pain. That ominous and torturous pang of regret was tugging at my heart.


No, Nichkhun. It wasn’t you who hurt her.


I hurt her. Again. 


I made her cry. Again.


I drew a sharp breath as I realized the gravity of what I did to her.


I gently tapped his shoulder and said the word that I never thought I would tell him.


“Mianhe.”


I ran as fast as I could, determined to find her and hold her so tight.


Never letting go of her this time.